Ok. So here I am. Rock you like a hurricane. Wait, that's not right. I'm here bc I realized that I cannot have sex with a real woman anymore. I've been surfing online porn since my mid 20s. It didn't really interfere with my sexual functioning at that point. My porn tastes haven't changed much over the years but I've gone much deeper down the rabbit hole as it were, the last 11 or so years and maniacally so, the last 11 months. Interesting that both are 11. Sept. 9, 2009 the love of my life and fiance died of stage 4 brain cancer in early 30s. This destroyed me. I went straight to porn for comfort and got lost in it completely. I dated a college girl for a while 2012-2013 which was primarily a physical relationship. I noticed that I had a tougher time getting an erection. I didn't know why. We still had a great time though. She was a good sub. But it wasn't meant to last. Fast forward to 2014 and I meet a girl from Georgia on Fetlife. We talk for a while and she moves up to CT to live with me. At first I was managing to get hard sometimes which resulted in our son. But I would literally lay next to her in bed and surf porn and jerk off with her asleep next to me! She left me last March 13th for several reasons but one of the biggest is that we hadn't had sex in 2 years. I completely closed off. I would stop it if she tried to initiate. I couldn't face the ED for one and I was no longer tempted to have sex with my then fiance bc I was already a slave to porn. But I wouldn't talk about it with her, wouldn't face it at all. We started getting close again over the months apart. When her and my son, Brennan, came to visit for the long Christmas break, it was obvious feelings were still there for both of us. We started hugging then kissing. Then touching. Then she wanted me to spank her with the paddle and did that. Long story curtailed, we attempted sex on two different nights. I even tried generic Viagra the second night. I tried to get hard. I was even trying to use porn fantasy in my head to get an erection and nothing. Not even from her sucking me! This was very serious. Never has a blowjob not made me hard and cum. But she was happy that I tried and that I was being open and honest with her. They're coming back on April 3rd and leaving April 11. We are rebuilding our relationship but in a much better way. Openly honestly. I bought Your Brain on Porn and it was very sobering. I know I have PIED and can only get hard when chatting with my fans and followers on Tumblr or Fetlife. A good deal of them are sissies and some are submissive females. Also, by captions, gifs, vids. But that's it. None of it really real. The last time I was with a real person was a sissy that came over last March and visited a few times just to suck me off. But that's it. I doubt I'd even be able to make that work at this point. I started a reboot hard mode so no PMO and I wouldn't be able to jerk off without porn of some kind now anyway. As it was, I was only getting half erections even to porn the last half year at least. It will be 55 days the night they arrive, Sat. April 3rd. I want to be able to fuck the shit out of her, (as she put it), while she's here. I need to reboot and rewire to a partner who is an actual human female without using my spank bank to try to get or stay hard. Just her and I playing with each other like the early days but even better on my end. I'm determined to do this but tonight is 2 weeks and I'm struggling big-time. Yesterday was bad but today was hell. My mind kept going to unanswered DMs on Fet and Tumblr and down that road of fantasy. I kept trying to redirect and course correct. I prevailed but it was hairy. I'm scared that I'll never be able to just enjoy a woman again responding to her touch and body not using my spank bank to fuel me at all. Terrified I'll never get hard and/or stay hard with her. And I fear that if I can't seal the deal in April, it could put a damper on us getting back together fulltime. But I'm gonna trust the process and reboot hard mode. As David Coverdale sings in Here I Go Again: "Oh Lord I pray you give me strength to carry on" bc I sure as hell need it.