I've started to become addicted to porn and masturbation when I was around 16 years old I think, I mean doing it compulsively. I knew about Nofap but I've always thought it was sketchy and so I was never a believer. I could make a long list of why but that's not the point of this journal. I am 28 as I am typing this, I will be 29 the 30th of August, which is soon. Here's who I am right now... Virgin, living with parents, jobless, no car or driving license, no money, no motivation, lack of confidence, depression, anxiety through the roof, sleep schedule all over the place, feeling lost, ashamed of myself, I am not proud of me, slight pain in my right testicle, no energy, feeling dizzy when standing up, paranoid about my health, lack of appetite, IBS, nausea, emetophobia, painful flare-ups, stomach burning, acid reflux, no friends that I can meet in real life, feeling very lonely, having dark thoughts but I do not want to die, having fetishes since childhood that I want to experience with other people but unable to. (I'm kinky). So yeah, I am not happy with my life, am suffering pretty much every day and my stomach is making everything worst. I am not proud of the version that I have become, I would have never thought that this was the life I was going to get when I was younger. I think I do have a pretty good life, but for some reason it's like a never-ending nightmare, and I am so exhausted with all this shit going on. Quitting PMO seems impossible to me, because each time I give it a try I end up crying ALL the fucking time. It's just horrible, it's like if I was punishing myself. I don't think that the no PMO lifestyle can change me in any way, in fact, I believe it will just make my life much worse, because PMO is my way of coping with life, but I wouldn't say that PMO has ever helped me in any way when it comes to progressing through life, all it does is giving me a little buzz and some happiness for a short time. I believe this is the very first time I am going to do a journal while rewiring my brain. I am doing this for me when I am going through some tough times but to also help people if they are in the same situation as me. Will see you in a few days to give a little update.
@Crow442 Welcome to this forum my friend. I would strongly recommend you to start Meditation as soon as possible. And remember one goal at a time. Make Avoiding PMO your most important goal at this moment. Prepare yourself for withdrawals such as anxiety, depression, anhedonia, and insomnia etc. Urges and fantasies and triggers are your main obstacles at the beginning but things will start to get easier as your streak builds up. 1. Meditation 2. Exercise 3. Reminding yourself of your goals and what you can do to improve your chances of achieving your goals. Wish you all the best!
I relapsed the next day... I had pain in my stomach on my left side that didn't wanted to go away and it gave me a lot of anxiety, I tried to distract myself playing a video game called Rust, it helped me a bit but then I started to panic and then I thought I was going to get sick because I wasn't doing well at all. I turned up my laptop and watched some hypnosis to calm myself down, and then I watched maybe 10 minutes of porn and masturbated a bit and that was it. I have noticed that the moment that I relapse is often because I am not even sure why I am doing it, but also I always think that all the claims is just a bunch of B.S and this won't help me in any way, but when I relapsed I just thought "Damn... I could of just went on YouTube and typed Dr Trish Leigh if I needed some answers..." and it was too late. Will do better next time. Btw my stomach is still not perfect, all I eaten today was a bowl of noodle soup. I have no appetite and I am so tired of living sometimes. EDIT: I will try to drink at least take two glasses of water with one tablespoon of ACV (apple cider vinegar) maybe I just have low acid and I can't digest anything because of it.
I am near a relapse, I peaked for like a minute on a video and touched my penis but I stopped. I was working on something and the frustration of the program freezing on me or not being able to find the correct video just made me feel discouraged and I needed a little buzz to make me feel better. So I immediately went and search online for some emergencies when someone is about to relapse, and a user said that ejaculating is most of the time disappointing or not worth it, he's right, it feels good but it's just ok at best, not as good when you've haven't ejaculated for two weeks. That sort of killed my urge but I can still feel it a bit. I will try to keep myself busy.
