Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 1. On top of porn binge, I have also played video games a bit. Dopamine overdrive is so high that even though my stomach signals it's time to eat, I don't have motivation to go and eat. Absolutely insane that I have spent years living in this state. Absolutely crazy.
     
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Another day 1.

    Here's vicious cycle showing why all my streaks (of no porn because I'm still MOing) between days 30 - 100:

    View attachment upload_2022-2-14_17-9-5.png

    It's insanely hard for me to break that in the city that I work in. I have no family here and friendships are shallow due to the fact that I moved here late and I preferred to PMO/play video games rather than build social life. But social network can't be an excuse because the friday language event that I didn't attend to (decided not to go after edging to fantasies for more than 1 hour) included two good looking girls as photos and videos of this event have been posted to the internet.

    How do I break this vicious cycle? I think that things that could help are:
    a) force myself not to MO,
    b) strategically visit family town as long as pandemics are going,
    c) force myself to work in the office even if I'm not forced to,
    d) force myself not to reject social events.
     
  3. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 2.

    I have to stay strong and take it day by day. Total numbness to the pleasure, zero motivation to do anything.
     
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 3.

    I'm thinking that hard mode may be the way to go as even though no porn makes me feel OK mentally, keeping MO'ing to femdom fantasies (sometimes for hours) is still keeping me impotent when it comes to PIV sex.
     
  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 5.

    MO'd in my family home but generally feeling slightly better.
     
  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 10.

    Went to the office today and while things are getting better, I still have this "beta" feeling. This feeling usually lasts very long, don't expect it to be gone before one month mark.
     
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    5 MO's in the weekend.

    Not very smart of me but it helped a lot with the work-related stress that is insanely high this month.
     
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Another MO. 1st month in the new job is so stressful and I can't find other way to cope with it rather than wanking.
     
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    12,9% of the porn-free year achieved ;)
     
  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Small and somewhat surprising victory.

    So on one hand I have a streak of 50 days without porn under my belt and long periods of abstinence from porn in the last several years. On the other hand, I spent hours wanking last weekend, having 3 orgasms on Friday, next 2 on Saturday and edging for like 90 minutes today. After that, I decide to visit an escort (domme, I visited here last year) and my body reacted in a way that I didn't expect. What I expected was that due to the draining my pipes, there will be very limited excitement, however it was quite opposited but let me present the rest under the spoiler tag as it can be triggering:

    So I tell her all the usual BDSM things I'd expect, I go shower, she goes shower, she comes back and tells me to start kissing her, from the bottom of the legs, upwards and then I get erection. She's doing a bit of femdom things but my body, sort of, wanted to get close to her, it felt great and I was pushing towards her, started carressing here more and more passionately, I felt desire for her. After that she told me to lie on the bed and handcuffed my hands to the bed and took care of me, while I also took care of her (details aren't necessary). Later when she was performing a HJ I couldn't keep my eyes from her and when she got her body close to my face, I couldn't resist touching her with one of my handcuffed hands. I was close to coming but didn't. Then she untied both of my hands, both immediately ended up wildly caressing her body and I had an orgasm.

    Guys, I know it's still not PIV sex. I know it's an escort. But if my body reacted like that after 5 MO sessions in last 4 days to a 40+ years old woman after getting limited sleep today, how will it react to a woman my age? How will it respond when I'm not 50 days porn free but one year porn free? Another point, would be, that maybe my body reacted quite well because there was zero pressure since my approach was "well, I'm tired, MO'd a lot so don't expect any miracles in my pants" and this lack of pressure helped. I don't know, there are lots of variables and still lots to learn. It's not the end of the road and not the "success story" material yet but after over 6 years of writing this journal, all of those ebbs and flows, this was by far the best sexual session of my life.
     
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Femdom session with 19 y. o. hot girl. Domme, no "sexual" touch allowed.

    Long story short, I MO'd twice yesterday and edged a lot today so I was tired, not motivated and it kinda destroyed the session. I'm not going to describe specific fetishes we performed, she was professional, quite smart and commited (which can't be said about me, at least the commitment part). Seeing me not respond well to practices that we did, visibily pissed her off (but she maintained professionalism). Should have booked the session when not tired and also should control my wanking (avoiding porn goes well though).

    HOWEVER

    While it was cool to spend time with young, hot girl, the "femdom" aspect wasn't that arousing. To be honest, I was more excited by her when she was in everyday outfit (in which she picked me up from the hotel lobby), rather than fetish outfit. Paradoxically, the most sexy things during her visit were here partially naked (because she wasn't completely naked) legs and bottom. All the rest was a theater. I didn't even feel humiliated, I felt like an actor playing a role, which is something I very often feel during these sessions. My natural drive was to escalate touching her sexually, something that was obviously forbidden by the rules but that's what I did with 40 y. o. escort domme that I visited recently. And I edged and MO'd before that session as well.

    This is so weird.
     
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    9 quick and random lessons from the recent years. Writing them down for myself but also maybe there are younger souls lurking, having femdom fantasies and trying to understand their sexuality:

    1) Real life is different from porn/erotica,
    2) During sex in real life, the male dominance is rewarded by good and arousing sights of the woman's body parts, submissive positions lead to worse sights or none at all ;-).
    3) No point in trying femdom with a woman who doesn't feel it, experience will be bad and admitting to being into femdom is very risky for vanilla relationships.
    4) The biggest problem with sex workers is that they turn off their emotions (to a different degree but it always happens), which affects sessions negatively.
    5) I have a problem with escaping to the fantasy wanking more than a problem with fetish itself. I didn't understand that years ago, thinking that my motivation towards meeting women
    is lower because they're not dominant but in reality, I was wanking to femdom too much. When the same happened with a young domme, it opened my eyes.
    6) Fulfilling both vanilla and femdom needs with one person may be impossible.
    7) "Dominant" women are mostly doing a business, they're more engaged when doing marketing towards the huge audience rather than 1:1 meetings because as long as
    she doesn't get bad review, her revenue isn't affected that much.
    8) The femdom in real life is very hard to get aroused to, however I feel like it causes my brain to wire emotionally to women doing that. The last two sex workers, I legitimately craved.
    I craved them in a primal way, which is a good sign, however would I crave the woman who's not into BDSM at all? Regular female colleagues usually bore me.
    9) Even though my experiences are risky and paying for services of sex workers isn't healthy, it allowed me to explore my sexuality and partially understand some things. If I got a vanilla
    girl, without my experiences, I would blame everything on her being vanilla.
    10) No matter if I'm into femdom, vanilla, sexual intercourse with a teapot or asexual at all, I need to live like a normal man e. g. exercise, take care of my career, have social life etc.

    While I've learnt A LOT during recent years about myself and my sexuality, it's still not clear what kind of woman exactly I'm looking for.

    The next steps:

    a) Committing to kink scene. Even if a woman isn't a domme, I feel like being able to share everything I shared here, would be very helpful to create an intimacy. I spent years fantasizing
    about it so even if it is not something that I want in real life, it has became a huge part of who I am. If I go 100% vanilla route, I'll have to hide it forever.
    b) Have a session with non-domme escort (however domme outfit being optional because I can always ask vanilla woman to wear femdom clothes, while doing "sick" femdom things would be much harder to convince her to.)
    c) Staying off porn. Does that really need an explanation?
    d) Limiting sessions with my own hand :)
    e) Maintaining healthy lifestyle outside of sexual things.

    It's a twisted and messed up road. And I won't even be able to tell my grandchildren about details of what I went through ;-)
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2022
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    May MO sessions:

    May, 7th - MO (3x)
    May, 10th - MO (1x)
    May, 14th - MO (2x)
    May, 17th - MO (1x)
    May, 20th - MO (3x)
    May, 23rd - MO (1x)
    May, 24th - MO (1x)
    May, 27th - MO (1x)
    May, 29th - MO (2x)

    June MO sessions:

    Jun, 1st - MO (2x)
    Jun, 4th - MO (3x), including femdom blogs so resetting my counter (111 days)
    Jun 5th, - PMO (2x), full blown porn binge
    Jun, 9th - MO (1x)
    Jun, 11th - MO (1x)
    Jun, 17th - MO (2x)
    Jun, 21st - MO (2x)
    Jun, 23rd - MO (1x)
    Jun, 25th - MO (1x) + PMO (3x), binge
    Jun, 27th - PMO (2x) binge continues
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2022 at 4:53 PM
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro'. What is that you want for your life? Do you have anything that turns your crank aside from Femdom?
     
  15. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    I'm proud of you mate, great to hear your progress
     
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey! I like sports a lot, recently injuries are taking their toll but I'd say that nothing feels better than good football match ;)
     
    Saville likes this.
  17. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Thanks UK Don, nice to hear from you and also glad that you're never giving up despite relapses, you're an inspiration to me!
     
    UK Don likes this.
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Reading femdom blogs yesterday, leads to the full blown porn binge today.
     
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 3.

    High cravings but on the other hand awareness that resetting this clock will lead to permanent fog and beta feeling that happen for few days after porn binges.
     
  20. Thisworld

    Thisworld Member

    Don't you go in arousal flatlines when you stop porn?
     

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