Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed again.

    I'm lonely as f**k recently. Things that used to numb that loneliness (video games, porn) are destroying my motivation and ability to feel pleasure completely. A chicken and an egg situation. How do I escape it?
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Surfed a bit of porn on Nov 7th but without an orgasm.
  3. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Time to think for plan for year 2022 and beyond. I've just read last ~14 pages of this journal and I have to admit that I've learnt a lot in the recent years.

    Positive intimacy with a cool escort (femdom was included) increased my horniness towards women on the street (but in a vanilla way). Career advances and not being isolated seem to help as well. I'll analyze old rules here:

    Nothing changes here.

    Nothing changes here except I need FetLife to go for events (we are not escaping from reality, even if it involves BDSM). So FetLife for events is OK. Browsing profiles there is not OK.

    I think I will remove the part about recovering completely in 7-10 days because I feel that it may be a bit too optimistic.


    This part needs editing but will not remove it completely as the goal is to be happy and have functioning sexuality rather than become a monk.

    This point will remain. Inhibiting femdom desires is inhibiting my sexuality. After positive (again, this is very important, the sex worker was a right woman) femdom session, I felt an increase in vanilla interest in women. Indulging in femdom carries some risks and disadvantages (for example, reputation), however I feel that in general, femdom practices aren't the enemy here. Femdom in porn (and any porn) is, creating those fantasies in my head is (albeit to a lesser degree), however good femdom sessions actually feel helpful in my journey.

    I also noticed that when other factors are going well, my fantasies naturally turn from more submissive to more dominant, however BDSM is almost always there, sometimes even femdom is there e. g. in those fantasies I have dominant role towards a woman who has dominant role towards somebody else (my mind is crazy, I know). So I'd rather enjoy my sexuality and let the things take care of themselves, rather than try to restrict my sexuality without any real reason.

    On top of that, I'll create a hierarchy of those goals (with no porn ofc being the most important) and add another one, regarding social isolation. So on the high level it will look like this:

    1) No porn.
    2) No porn substitutes.
    3) No social isolation.
    4) No MO.
    5) Training helps.
    6) Escorts bring more good than evil.
    7) Not fighting femdom (nor BDSM) as part of my sexuality.
    CoolMan likes this.
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Potential trigger warning!

    Whole post hidden behind the spoiler tag because it contains some graphic descriptions that are necessary to accurately present the problem.

    I was thinking a lot recently. About PIED, porn, femdom, sex in general. In the recent months, I visited about ten escorts, like eight of them were dommes. This, combined with other experiences and articles on YBOP, allows me to shed some light on my sexual life.

    I relapsed yesterday and watched porn for about 4-5 hours, which led to 2 orgasms. During watching this, I had an "eureka" moment, when I saw some activity on the screen, found it very arousing and realized... this was done to me already. And it wasn't arousing in real life, my penis didn't even tingle when doing one of the things that were the most arousing and humiliating femdom practices. It's fascinating that femdom on the screen causes erection, while in reality... it doesn't. Few days ago, I was innocently browsing a group on FetLife. You know, boring staff, it wasn't text porn but mostly people having philosophical discussion. And then, some poster was writting about the femdom relationship of his acquitances. One sentence triggered an erection. No pictures, no sound, no video.

    And in real life? Despite various femdom experiences, I can't remember ONE instance when my penis even tingled. Not even talking about erection but the only time I felt anything was when the physically attractive domme bent over in a "doggy" position. However, this is not a femdom trigger. I masturbated to some of those memories (some of them got a bit twisted in mind), however they were not arousing when they were happening and those session were way less arousing than masturbating to porn/fetish material. When looking at this from this perspective (and even ignoring the fact that those escorts need to be paid), the question is:

    Why would I create femdom scenarios in real life (which means allowing a sadistic person to damage your life) when I can get better erection and masturbation session when using porn/fetish material? And the negative effects (except numbness to pleasure and real life + PIED) vanish as soon as I close the browser and take a shower?

    If (after period of abstaining from porn) my penis reacted with the same arousal to sessions with dommes, then it would be a different story. But it doesn't. The only signs of life (significantly helped by abstaining from porn and MO in general) happened in "vanilla" or "natural" way. Penis reacted due to interaction or proximity to a female. Re-creating femdom scenarios didn't cause arousal.

    Even if we ignore the question if finding a domme who's not an escort is realistic and if this would be more arousing than the best looking woman I can possibly get (those are topics for different discussion), we can't ignore the fact that while femdom has been insanely sexy for me, it has been so only in fantasies and in fetish material.

    This leads to the problem, however, that the thing that my brain thinks is the most sexy (femdom porn/fetish material) is also the thing that makes me dysfunctional socially and sexually.

    The middle ground, MO sessions to femdom fantasies seem to not affect me socially (in a sense that I'm behaving way more 'alpha'), however there's still almost zero sexual lust towards real women. And because I have zero sexual lust towards real women, I have no girlfriend. And because of that I feel emotionally lonely. Work colleagues, sports buddies, escorts, family members and even female friends can't make up for it. The biggest problem that was created by porn in the first place, remains unsolved.

    This inevitably leads us to the conclusion that I can give up porn and end up in the cycle of wanking to femdom fantasies until the day I die. But is that what I really want?
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2021
  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    6 days.

    Calorie deficit + not being allowed a sexual relief makes me tense and frustrated.
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I had an 'eureka' moment. Yesterday, on purpose, I wanked very quickly. In bathroom and straight to the orgasm. Today I felt very horny and my erection was almost rock solid. This compared with the discussion with domme few months ago (she said that M even without O lowers libido and makes me chase sex less), leads to change of the rules of the reboot regarding MO:

    Porn (and any substitutes) is forbidden at all, this is absolutely fundamental and requires perfection.

    MO will be allowed but it will have to be quick, in the bathroom and straight to the orgasm. Just to relieve the physical tension and sperm. It should happen only once per 7-14 days. I will mark below:

    qMO - quick MO described above. Quick, straight to the orgasm and in the bathroom.
    MO - any MO that isn't qMO described above. I used to masturbate a lot and even though I had limited amount of orgasms, my libido was non-existent because I spent hours M'ing anyway. Forbidden in my reboot.
    E - M without O also known as edging session. This is also forbidden.

    So the goals for 2022 are 365 days without porn and qMO once per 7-14 days. We will see the effects.
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    PMO, MO, qMO and E tracker since Dec, 1st:

    Dec, 1st '21 - qMO (1x),
    Dec, 2nd '21 - MO (2x)
    Dec, 8th '21 - MO (1x)
    Dec, 9th '21 - E (2x)
    Dec, 11th '21 - E (1x) + MO (1x)
    Dec 12th '21 - E (1x)
    Dec 14th '21 - E (1x)
    Dec 15th '21 - PMO (3x)
    Dec, 18th '21 - MO (1x)
    Dec, 28th '21 - MO (1x)

    Jan 3rd '22 - MO (1x)
    Jan 7th '22 - MO (2x) 1h apart
    Jan 12th '22 - MO (1x)
    Jan 16th '22 - MO (1x)
    Jan 19th '22 - MO (1x)
    Jan 21st '22 - MO (2x)
    Jan 24th '22 - MO (1x)
    Jan 30th '22 - MO (1x)
    Jan 31th '22 - MO (2x)

    Feb 2nd '22 - MO (2x)
    Feb 5th '22 - MO (2x)
    Feb 6th '22 - MO (1x)
    Feb 9th '22 - MO (1x)
    Feb 11th '22 - MO (4x) - including femdom blog so resetting the counter
    Feb 12th '22 - PMO (1x) - full blown porn binge
    Feb 13th' 22 - PMO (2x) - porn

    Feb 18th '22 - MO (1x)
    Feb 22nd '22 - MO (1x)

    Mar 2nd '22 - MO (2x)
    Mar 7th '22 - MO (1x)
    Mar 12th '22 - MO (2x)
    Mar 13th '22 - MO (3x)
    Mar 17th '22 - MO (1x)
    Mar 19th '22 - MO (1x)
    Mar 22nd'22 - MO (1x)
    Mar 25th '22 - MO (1x)

    Apr 1st '22 - MO (3x)
    Apr 2nd '22 - MO (2x)
    Apr 4th '22 - escort (1x)
    Apr 8th '22 - MO (1x)
    Apr 10th '22 - MO (1x)
    Apr 12th '22 - MO (1x)
    Apr 18th '22 - MO (1x)
    Apr 23rd '22 - MO (2x)
    Apr 24rd '22 - MO (1x)
    Apr 26th '22 - MO (1x)
    Apr 28th '22 - MO (1x)
    Apr 30th '22 - escort (1x)
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2022
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Masturbated in the evening to orgasm and masturbated without orgasm in the morning.

    Not perfect but still no porn in December.
  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Domme postponed the arrangement and so I spent almost whole day edging and finally cumming in the evening.

    What a fantastic Saturday (/sarcasm).
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Resetting the counter as I read FetLife/blogs yesterday and today.
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Another counter reset on Dec 14th as I browsed FetLife.
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Porn binge ;(
  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    One positive aspects of the long periods without porn is that, while still being heavily tied to the screen and being alone, my sexuality slowly moved a bit from fetishes to vanilla things (curves etc.). :)
  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    One month without porn! :)
    tarconi_union and UK Don like this.
  16. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    niskanen91 likes this.
  17. CoolMan

    CoolMan New Member

    Idk if your still updating this.

    I went and read some of your stuff and I like your mindest and methodology. I just have some tips if you want to take them it's your choice.

    First off don't go on Fet Life. That is essentially a substitute for porn for you right now. At the bare minimum wait till you go 90 days.

    Same with masterbation wait.

    As for Escorts. I would also advice waiting in my opinion maybe like a month but 90 days is also good.
    I know that's tough but I think your sexual experience is linked to porn so you gotta unlink it. Give your brain a break from all sexual stimuli cause it might be reinforcing those porn pathways which it seems ends up in relapse for you. Wait a little then come back that's my opinion.

    This is just my advice. Keep trying.
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey, @CoolMan , I am still updating this, in post #728 you can see the list of all my orgasms, I'm just not writing posts as I feel that everything that should have been written, has been written already.

    Agree, FetLife is a fetish porn substitute, in fact you could argue that some of the material there IS fetish porn.

    Good advice but hard to deal with tension. And since I'm also tackling other issues in my life (job, losing weight, social life etc.) it's not always possible to limit M.

    Regarding escorts, in my experience visiting them was helpful in terms of recovery as, even though they're pros(titutes), this is still human contact, something that my body registers as weird and hard to arouse to.

    Thanks for your post, my friend, really appreciate it!
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2022
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Tough time recently (despite no porn), I wank so have no energy and motivation to socialize and then wank to escape from loneliness.
  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Full blown porn binge. Back to the square one. Vicious cycle continues. Maybe my therapist finished her maternity leave?

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