Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Yes. You are mimicing porn, which is not 100 percent bad.

    Question for you: If you had a girlfriend who enjoyed femdom stuff and amused you that way would you have considered that a functional sexualityin real life?
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member


    If I was getting spontaneous erections and be aroused in her presence/during the femdom play, I'd definitely consider it a functional sexuality.
    baywalker likes this.
  3. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Femdom blog + domme twitter + FetLife yesterday lead to the relapse to porn on Jun 21th, 2021.
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Moderator note - Potential triggers.

    Quote that I like:


    This quote (and article) combined with the relapse yesterday and multiple orgasms in the recent days made me think.

    What if the strategy I had was wrong? What if copying the strategy that has helped me beat the cigarette addiction, isn't the solution here?

    Those of you, who read my journal, know that my approach in the recent years was quite simple and could be described as "quit porn and all the pieces will eventually fall into their place", just like it happened with cigarettes. With nicotine, the rule was simple and it was to never take another puff. Once introduction of new nicotine into my brain is cut off, the void created by previous cigarette is getting smaller and smaller. Days went by (today I'm smoke-free for 1046 days) and the problem solved itself.

    The logical conclusion, would be to apply the same logic to porn and to an extent it worked. I've noticed lots of changes from not using porn, however my penis was still a limp noodle. Long streaks were happening but when confronted with sexual situation, the dick didn't work, in fact it was harder to get him erect than when being alone.

    I have analyzed all times when my dick has shown signs of life and came to the conclusion that if I want to have a functioning sexuality with another person, I simply have to give up masturbation. Of course, when I cut off porn/artificial stimuli, my autopilot would still rather have me lie on the bed and produce "femdom porn" in my head, while wanking. The effect would be of course much smaller than when wanking to actual porn/femdom blogs (the latter make me more horny than earlier as I've noticed in the recent days) but still it would prevent me from having and chasing any intimacy with the real women.


    1) During the student exchange in 2015-16, I was almost entirely cut off from porn, yet I kept wanking to fantasy (quite long sessions under the shower) and dick didn't work despite making out with women etc.

    2) After that exchange, when I went on hard mode for few weeks, I had the random situation where the woman working with flowers was in front of me (like 100 m away), she was into "doggy" position and her jeans have fallen off her butt. I got instant and very hard erection. It was in 2016!!! I was in a better state (sexually) then than I am now!

    3) When the wife of my friend was cutting my hair, I was on 50+ days streak. She was super hot but my dick didn't react AT ALL because I was still MOing to fantasy.

    4) When visiting prostitutes, my dick didn't work properly, despite being on long no porn streaks. I was still MO'ing though.

    5) Not feeling anything particular when being near "dominant" women during fetish events.

    Which leads us to the simple conclusion:

    My autopilot wants to wank to artificial material, while being alone. When this is taken away from it, it switches to wanking to fantasies (producing this material in my head), while also being alone. Sexuality with real people can only develop if I take away those behaviors.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 22, 2021
    baywalker likes this.
  5. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    What if smoking and porn addiction was caused by different issues in your life?

    What if smoking addiction didn't even start because of an issue but simply a cause of your surroundings?

    What if what you call this 'fetish' isn't really a bad thing? What if you could invite a female friend of yours (from real life, not prostitutes) to experiment with you?
    niskanen91 likes this.
  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Yes, I agree that smoking was caused by the people who were my friends when I was 14. The root causes were different in those two cases and I also believe that there doesn't need to be "a cause" for the addiction to start. Porn can hook even successful kids from rich backgrounds and happy families.

    Regarding your last question, I don't think that fetish itself is bad, the bad thing is that fetish is only arousing me when it's happening on my screen or in my fantasies. Real life femdom hasn't caused an erection so far (unless I masturbated during/after that but then I'd be able to achieve erection when masturbating without any stimuli at all).

    I think I understand what you meant with your question though, if after the reboot it turned out that femdom sex life would be more arousing than regular sex life (is that what you asked?), I'd have no problem accepting that.
    baywalker likes this.
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Extreme porn cravings today :(
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Porn binge @ Jun 25th
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Small adjustment to the strategy, since porn cravings are extremely hard to beat when I'm horny, for the first 2-3 weeks of the reboot I'll wank to fantasies just to eliminate porn cravings.
  10. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Ultimately, it doesn't matter if one is better than the other. I think that's a property you are looking for. Almost like if a guy wants a big girl so he can enjoy the big ass and the tits, knowing that he can't get that with thin girls with small ass and tits, then obviously he will be going after the bigger girls than not.

    Now, what you are looking for may or may not be easy to spot on the regular day. Who is into it, who is not? What I know is if one openly shared that interest from the get go, of course at an appropriate time, then he can quickly screen who is fitting and who is not.

    I don't think you should focus on post-reboot regular sex life to be surpassing femdom sex life. In reality, and I want to choose my words carefully here, people including myself are into some fucked up shit man, femdom is not fucked up, nor something to be separated off of. For example, personally, I like girls who are eager to suck my dick, now, I know there are women who are not interested in that (conservative women, women who simply don't enjoy things like that), and if I continuously chased the kind of women who weren't interested in such a thing, I would be foregoing that aspect of life-enjoyment from myself. That wouldn't be fair to me or to the woman I am with. And though it sounds so simple and easy to let it slide, we are humans that need wholeness in our lives, so if a girl I am dating won't suck my dick even during the whole sex, I won't see her again. Now, I would ask her to do it, and I would ask her what she would want me to do for her, but that's because it's important, and I know it is important for them too.

    I think there is a huge difference on the following, coming from someone who had countless paid sex, and trust me, I've had enough to know the arousal difference by this point.

    I want to know, was that real-life femdom that didn't cause erection through a real relationship or was it paid?
    niskanen91 likes this.
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I apologize for the late reply but was quite busy in my life so had no time to provide a proper answer earlier.

    Well, in my experience, there are more variables than sadistic tendencies of a woman. In real life, especially after abstaining from porn, my legs tend to shake when being next to/thinking about attractive woman with darker skin and black hair, not when being near women that I know are indulging into dominating people. Sadistic tendencies are certainly a plus but, based on my limited experience with real women, not the biggest possible plus.

    In most cases, it's not socially acceptable to discuss your interest in BDSM with others but generally agree with your point.

    Wait, receiving oral sex is "fucked up shit"? I don't really think so, I think it's a pretty standard fantasy.

    I generally agree that we shouldn't remove parts of sex-life that we really enjoy but I don't know yet if I'd enjoy it beyond the fantasy/porn level. Real femdom means a real person causing me a real suffering. Enjoying it would be a paradox.

    Femdom sessions were always paid but there was some femdom flirting by my female friends.
    baywalker likes this.
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Pasting this picture again as I approach 7 days without MO:

    baywalker likes this.
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    8 days without any masturbation. So far, so good.
    baywalker likes this.
  14. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Good stuff Kanen.

    I like that you said "Enjoying it would be a paradox."

    But isn't that the paradox of being human? :)
    niskanen91 likes this.
  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Yes, it is. :D
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Tension was too high, quickly fapped without porn. Good opportunity to create the counter for July MO sessions:

    Jul 4th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Jul 10th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Jul 18th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Jul 20th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Jul 22th, 2021 (2x) - domme and then home
    Jul 24th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Jul 26th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Jul 28th, 2021 (1x) - no porn

    Aug 5th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Aug 11th, 2021 (2x) - no porn
    Aug 14th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Aug 16th, 2021 (2x) - no porn
    Aug 24th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Aug 28th, 2021 (2x) - no porn
    Aug 30th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Aug 31th, 2021 (1x) - no porn

    Sep 1st, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Sep 3rd, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Sep 7th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Sep 14th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Sep 16th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Sep 19th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Sep 22th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Sep 25th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Sep 29th, 2021 (3x) - no porn

    Oct 1st, 2021 (2x) - no porn, then porn
    Oct 6th, 2021 (2x) - porn twice
    Oct 16th, 2021 (2x) - no porn
    Oct 20th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Oct 24th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Oct 26th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Oct 27th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Oct 28th, 2021 (1x) - domme
    Oct 31th, 2021 (1x) - no porn

    Nov 5th, 2021 (3x) - no porn
    Nov 6th, 2021 (3x) - porn
    Nov 7th, 2021 (1x) - porn
    Nov 9th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Nov 14th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Nov 15th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Nov 21th, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Nov 22th, 2021 (2x) - no porn
    Nov 25th, 2021 (2x) - porn

    Dec 1st, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Dec 2nd, 2021 (1x) - no porn
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2021
  17. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    30 days without porn. That's good.

    What's bad is that recent 3 days meant following the same cycle that happened with other visits to dommes:

    1) disappointing (sexually) visit to dominatrix,
    2) twisting that visit with some of my fantasies and MO'ing to that while being alone at home.

    More details here (trigger warning):

    This visit was a bit different to previous ones, in a sense that this domme genuinely enjoyed inflicting pain i. e. for the first time, I have had a session with an actual sadist. Some of the previous sex workers have enjoyed the sessions/dynamic etc., however this one visibly and genuinely enjoyed causing me pain. I wasn't ready for that and even panicked a bit (didn't stop the session even though it came to my mind), mentally I was in absolute darkness and there was no arousal, as opposed to when watching/reading femdom materials online.

    We have done several femdom practices, it never felt as "femdom" as it did this time, the fact that she was much taller than me probably helped this status imbalance. We have indulged in lots of fetishes that I fantasize about, however in real life as always, they were not as arousing.

    Following that, I had 2 MO sessions while fantasizing about that meeting and yesterday, it was actually hard to MO to that. I don't recognize it as a sexy interaction, "traumatic event" is a better description. Watching/reading/fantasizing about that is entirely different than actually being tortured and treated like an animal. Instead of enjoying it, for the first 1/4 of the session I legitimately thought that this woman is actually a transsexual, her dominant behavior had nothing to do with feminine behavior (which for genuine masochists would have been great), however seeing her vagina during the session has destroyed any doubts in this regard.

    It was as femdom as it gets (only real possibility to endure femdom in a more genuine fashion would be to enter long-term D/s relationship) and... I didn't feel the magic. There was legitimate fear, feeling legitimate darkness, however magic and arousal weren't there. I feel more of it when interacting in a vanilla way with women that are my type looks-wise. So the belief that what I need in relationship is a sadistic domme, may have died this week.

    I know that a lot of folks on this forum regret their visits to escorts and live with remorse because of that, however I'm not one of them.

    I don't regret any Euro, any calorie of energy, any second of my time that I've spent on escorts because it has helped me to discover who I really am.

    And including money exchange into the deal made it easier for me to walk away from those women as emotional attachment wasn't there so nobody could have felt lied to and cheated. I think it's a fair deal.

    So today I think that my type of a woman doesn't necessarily involve sadistic tendencies and the type of relationship that I'd look for doesn't involve hardcore D/s relation, however soft femdom and the "dominatrix" look are still sexy in my book.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
    UK Don likes this.
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Tomorrow, there will be 90 days without porn. Good achievement but I also feel the need to go hard mode.
  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed @ 98 days.

    At first I thought about silently editing post #716, resetting my counter and moving on, however writing down my observations after almost 100 days streak is necessary as even if I'm never to win this war (against PIED), my lifetime is limited so the amount of times we will be on 90 days streaks is limited. Need to make most of it.

    One observation (that I already had before) is that once my brain is being put off porn it very slowly changes its taste to natural things instead of porn induced fetish (e. g. it moves from femdom to doggy/women's asses etc.). After I turned on femdom porn after all of those days, brain had to "adjust" to this stimuli, it's interesting and it's not the first time it happened (it always happens after the long streaks). It means that when porn/artificial stimuli is put off, healing happens.

    Another thing that needs to be said is that this whole femdom obsession is the brain's backdoor to porn. Because once I realized that porn is causing me the erectile dysfunction, being alone, behave like a weirdo and makes me numb to any pleasure, there's no logical reason to continuing usage. Then, however, comes the brain wanting its dopamine and says things like "go on FetLife, find some events" (I was on two of those in my life, however visited FL hundreds of times), "you need to accept that you're into femdom", "there aren't almost any non-escort high quality dommes" or "you need to check if you're into femdom or vanilla", like it was as binary as it sounds (my real life experiences make it complicated).

    This question can't be answered and even if it was, the answer isn't worth swimming in the drug that is porn.
    -Luke- likes this.

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