Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    You're smashing it mate - keep it up!

    Also I really appreciate this post. I've always wondered the same thing, and whilst you don't feel any closer to knowing which direction you should take, you've certainly shed light on the illusion of femdom, and the disconnect between P and reality.
    niskanen91 likes this.
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    90 days without porn!

    Next goals:
    a) 365 days without porn,
    b) limit MO even further.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  3. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey, it's nice to see you back.

    Yes, all of those visits, staying off porn and doing different experiments in general increase my knowledge regarding my preferences.

    What I've learnt so far is valuable, especially given the lack of information available regarding guys who (P)MO'd to femdom porn/fantasies all their life and then decided to seek a relationship (be it vanilla or femdom) in real life. We have to figure it on our own.
    UK Don likes this.
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    7 days since that last pair of orgasms means that counter resets:

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 9, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 0
  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO today.

    EDIT: 3x

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 16, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 3
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2021
  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed. (2 orgasms)

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Feb 17, 2021
    Last MO - Feb 17, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 5
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2021
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    The binge continues.


    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Feb 18, 2021
    Last MO - Feb 18, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 6
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Binge followed by feeling beta, anxiety and insomnia.
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Super important not to use porn again in the next 2 weeks. Cravings will be insane after the last binge but repeating the cycle again would put me back to square one.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Feb 18, 2021
    Last MO - Feb 18, 2021
    Orgasms in the last week - 6
    Orgasms in the last month - 12
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    PMO today (binge with 2 orgasms)

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Feb 19, 2021
    Last MO - Feb 19, 2021
    Orgasms in the last week - 8
    Orgasms in the last month - 14
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2021
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Keep trying friend. It's hard to dig ourselves out of the whole after relapsing and having a lot of binges, but it's possible to get back up again.

    One day at a time man.
    niskanen91, -Luke- and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  12. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    I’ll second @Thelongwayhome27 here. Not easy, but give it your best shot. Your 90-day streak is still fresh, you can go back to this, a few binges probably don’t throw you back at zero.

    Good luck. And feel free to share your thoughts and feelings when you give updates, if you feel like it.
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Thanks for your support, really means a lot to me.

    I just took a long walk and thought about everything. I've made the old mistakes, browsing FetLife, browsing FB profiles (related to femdom), forgot how awful I feel when I'm using porn (beta and emasculate) and I had my social needs fulfilled by my family (so no access to potential mates). On the bright side, it's another super long streak, there've been many of them since Dec' 19.

    Regarding thoughts and feelings, I feel physically tired after all of those orgasms in recent days. Mentally, I feel beta (as I said before) but that's what always happens when I use porn, funny thing is that like 10-15 years ago this was my EVERYDAY life. And I wasn't aware that porn is responsible (in a huge part) for that. So knowledge seems to be very powerful.
  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    2nd day since the last porn binge. Feeling weird. Played some soccer and when there was no action, I was thinking about one of many porn movies that I've been watching recently. Cravings are high. Dopamine system, as always with porn, is f***ed up now, I didn't play soccer for 2 months and wasn't super excited for the opportunity to play today as I normally would be.

    Other than that, I'm determined to keep going. I think that the basics that I've been pasting here (and at the end failed to comply to :( ) still apply, I was maybe wrong with the approach that I'd leave porn, still wank, stay isolated from women until I'm "ready", instead of diversifying between PIED and porn addiction. What I mean by that is that even if my dick isn't working properly, women (outside of the family and even if they're married etc.) fill a very important need that isn't filled when I'm isolated from them, let's say due to COVID. When this need isn't filled, my body automatically is looking for substitutes and since conciousness values streak a lot, the travel through slippery slope has to be gradual:

    1) Facebook profiles of potential dommes,
    2) Visting FetLife but texts only (stories/forums),
    3) Visiting FetLife but with images,
    4) Full HD porn.

    Somewhere between steps 2 and 3, I get "drug-like" response from my body that is very hard to resist. To be absolutely honest with you guys, after steps 2 and 3 I lose motivation to do normal things but that loss is MUCH higher after step 4. After step 4, there's a brain fog and I feel beta/emasculate/weak.

    Regarding the difference between PIED and porn addiction, I think that it's important to differentiate them because even if I give up porn and still wank (usually to femdom fantasies), let's say, 2-3 times per week, my dick is lifeless when encountering women. This is something that articles on YBOP touch on, the levels of masturbation that feel like "natural" when watching porn (I could orgasm 5 times per day watching porn now) aren't really natural for us. And for real women to be arousing, there has to be much more in the tank, I think. So this is one problem, if I eliminate porn completely, I will beat porn addiction. However, I still won't be able to penetrate women. This is where, orgasm counter and keeping MO to as low as possible, would help (other than psychological state, diet, training, social life etc.). I left family home in 2014 and during college years, I usually wasn't able to watch porn almost at all, yet I kept having lifeless penis. Why? Because I made up for that by masturbating during the shower etc. Of course, porn is still number 1 enemy as the mental damage is just way too much and also it's impossible to keep orgasms count low when watching porn.
  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Wild ride continues :(

    2 orgasms to porn - Feb 21, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2021
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    3 days clean, starting slowly. Feeling like a beta, nothing unusual after porn usage.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  17. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO on Feb 24th, 2021. Without porn though.
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    4 days without porn (despite one MO). Feeling SLIGHTLY better than right after the binge but slightly better than feeling like a total sh*t is still far from where I want to be. The brain fog/emasculate feeling makes me think that the priority is to free myself from porn and the way it makes me feel, working penis is a secondary thing.
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO without porn on March 3rd.
  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO on March 9th. Happened when I was visiting domme. The new one.

    I will not describe the visit in the details, I will just focus on what I've learnt about myself and how can it affect the six rules that I've written for myself earlier.

    I think that, in terms of widely understood "recovery", there are two variables that come into play, one is porn/fantasy and the second is horniness. Those two are partially overlapping but not entirely and this distinction is very important. I believe that horniness is a function of several lifestyle factors (e. g. stress, exercise, diet) but also a result of the amount of sexual activity of any kind in the recent days, e. g. if I wank only once in 2 months, I'll be much more horny than if I was wanking every second day, even if there was no porn included.

    After reading an entire paragraph of obvious things, you may now ask yourself how does it matter regarding the reboot from porn and well, my recent experiences show that the meetings with escorts are affected by an amount of orgasms in the recent time rather than time that I didn't use porn. It of course doesn't mean that porn is good because during the porn usage there is obviously a lot of masturbating going on as well but it means that to unlock "the true libido" and finish the reboot, the key is to not only give up porn but also limit sexual activity enough so that "horniness" raises to the normal male levels. This is a common YBOP knowledge but I think that figuring it out myself using the trial and error method, visits to escorts, several huge no porn streaks is important because I internalized this knowledge.

    Now, regarding the "the true libido". Before it has awaken my sexuality consisted of different femdom-based themes: porn, non-porn materials (stories, captions) and my own fantasy. Those three things had different impact on my arousal (porn had the biggest, own fantasy had the smallest) but they impacted my sexuality in the same way (I think a good analogy would be vodka with 40% alc., wine with 12% and beer with 6%). Now, porn (and to a very significant degree also non-porn materials) because of its "drug-like" nature and very high dopamine amounts has affected non-sexual areas of my life e. g. anxiety, withdrawing from social contacts, lack of confidence, brain fog (if you are on this forum, you know the drill, hahaha). So removing porn and its substitutes (FetLife, femdom stories, femdom blogs) has improved my life drastically but didn't really solve a sexual issue.

    How did I try to fix the sexual issue? By going to both vanilla and femdom escorts and try to find what I'm into. The result? In both cases, I wasn't horny enough. I've done femdom things not because I had a drive that pushed me towards them but because those things could act as a fuel to later alone masturbation sessions (porn was not an option since I was building streaks). Another reason is that doing femdom didn't require my dick to work so there was no pressure like with a regular meeting. In January, I decided that it would be good to track all orgasms since it's crucial regarding sexual recovery. And after not exceeding my natural limits, I have a drive towards real women. It's not femdom drive, it's a willingness to somehow connect both physically and emotionally. This is what may be "a true male libido" and it's fueled by horniness.
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2021
    JohannesParvus and UK Don like this.

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