Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    ONE
    MONTH
    WITHOUT
    WATCHING
    PORN
     
    TrueDat and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    37 days without porn.
    I masturbate sometimes and don't put it here recently, it's like 1-2 times per week.
    I think my sexuality is slowly healing.

    Six rules again (may be annoying for readers but it's very helpful for me):
    1) No porn - doesn't need explanation. Relapsing to porn is like relapsing to cigarettes, nothing else matters if I don't stay away from P.
    2) No substitutes - if it's ain't real, no deal. In the past stories, photos etc. had similar effect as porn. So FetLife and femdom stories count as porn.
    3) MO is bad because it keeps me away from real deal (as it lowers the tension and decreases libido, plus it keeps my sexuality in fantasy land). It's not as bad as porn though and I can recover completely in 7-10 days (I think) so I'll keep separate counter for that.
    4) Training (both soccer and strength) is good as, among many other benefits, it makes me horny.
    5) Escorts, despite disadvantages are good because:
    a) they keep my sexuality closer to reality,
    b) sexual experience (I have obviously very little),
    c) zero consequences (social) if my penis doesn't work.
    So whenever I feel horniness towards real girls on the streets/anywhere, I'll just go visit an escort. This is a very important part of the strategy.
    6) Distinction between femdom and vanilla isn't important at this point as long as it happens in real life. Discovery of my REAL preferences is an additional but important goal of this journey.
     
  3. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I had a nightmare last night. In this nightmare, I relapsed to porn and was back to square one.

    Those nightmares tend to happen (and still happen tbh) when giving up cigarettes. Nothing to worry about :)

    I'm starting the year with 44 days without porn. There were two better streaks last year but now I realize it's not about streaks, it's about removing the porn from my life indefinitely!
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Visited an escort.

    50 days without porn and 3 days without MO.

    Effect? At first, it wasn't that bad, I was genuinely aroused, wanted to genuinely touch that woman (and did so). The intimacy felt fake but it was quite arousing. However, when tried to penetrate her I wasn't feeling anything really and lost an erection. Helped it a bit with my hand and tried again. Same story. Dick didn't work and my mind stopped being interested soon after. After that I asked her to do some femdom and at the end came using my own hand. There was, as usual, a lot of sperm (every escort notices this) because I cum rarely during the reboot.

    This leads to the conclusion that maybe 3rd point of my six rules may be a bit too lenient:

    Playing femdom fantasies in my head and masturbating (both using penis and nipples) is not as harmful as watching femdom porn but still doesn't seem to be helping. When I'm home alone, I do that to relax a bit and it seems to be a habit that makes a recovery harder. MO counter comes back and next attempt with an escort will require a longer period without masturbating.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 06, 2021
     
  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 11, 2021

    Visited a domme. Or dommes, I should say.

    For the first time in my life, I decided to pull the trigger on something more extreme than going to domme. I booked a visit with two dommes. And on top of that, I told them, right off the bat, that I want this session to be extreme. Not to trigger anyone, the rest is under spoiler tag:

    So the first one was a slim domme that I went to 3 times earlier. I knew her, she knew me. She was dominating me but there was never a point when I thought "oh, I couldn't take more from her.". It was more of a show, she played a bit. She didn't want to hurt me. The second one was a young and chubby woman (however still sexy), I didn't know her earlier.

    At the beginning I told them the list of fetishes and that I want it to be extreme and that I can have marks everywhere except the face. And, boy, did I get exactly what I wanted!

    They collared me and tied my hands and while the slim domme that I know, was being "bossy", the chubby one took a whip and started to be sadistic, right away! After a few whips, I was like, "the hour of this is going to be hard to take". The way the chubby beaten me was something different, the slim one had to stop her at some points. The chubby one played the role of a cruel domme perfectly. During that hour, there were some forms of femdom:
    1) Bondage - I was on the leash + handcuffs behind my back,
    2) Verbal humiliation - it was light compared to the degree of other forms,
    3) Pissing - took it only from one, I think it's very degrading,
    4) Anal play - fingers for sure, probably also butt plug, didn't like that to be honest,
    5) Wax play - it hurts a lot, made me panic a bit but after a few times, I kinda got used to the pain,
    6) Nipples play - it doesn't sound extreme but the way chubby domme touched my nipples was literally a torture,
    7) Foot/shoe worship - it's not that extreme compared to the rest,
    8) Whipping - the slim domme was whipping with much less force than chubby did. Chubby seemed to hit with a fury and when she missed the butt and managed to hit balls, I moaned loudly.
    They both whipped a lot but the slim domme's whipping felt like a break, compared to the other one.

    At the end, I was told to masturbate and this is exactly what I did. I couldn't get an erection and came with a soft dick after long struggles. Masturbating after being literally tortured is hard.

    What do I take from this?

    I finally got a femdom experience that wasn't light by any means. It was extreme and at times I felt that it was too much.

    There's value in this. This is so different from watching it happening on the screen or fantasizing. I finally have the reference point that I can compare my experiences to. I finally can analyze femdom with the understanding of what it actually feels like. I don't feel I can go any further down the extremeness road, without it being plain stupid.

    Where do I go from here?

    I don't know honestly. Ironically, the huge part of the journal was to determine who I really am. And sadly, when I finally faced the most extreme femdom I will probably ever face in my life, it doesn't provide any clarity on who I am nor direction I should take. But the fact that, when there were new punishments those women were putting me through, I didn't feel the rush that I felt when browsing femdom porn movies/tubes. It's not something similar. I can feel something like that when I'm not (P)MOing for a long time and I see an extremely hot girl (however it doesn't last long, while when browsing porn it does) but I can't feel that during the femdom sessions.

    Thanks for your attention.
     
  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO'd.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 13, 2021
     
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    TWO
    MONTHS
    WITHOUT
    WATCHING
    PORN
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO'd.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 18, 2021

    Balance of the fantasies has slightly moved to vanilla (male dominant) from femdom ones.
     
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    66 days without porn. 24 away from the famous 90 days milestone. 289 from a full year :)

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 18, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 1
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  10. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    I have been following your thread, you’re on a good streak now, it’s good. But man, if you have PIED, stay away from masturbation. There aren’t many guys with severe ED who healed while keeping the habit of masturbating every once in a while.

    Also, this advice may sound weird, but I personally don’t really have moral issues with the idea of having sex with prostitutes, so here it is. If you still have ED, then at least take some ED pills when you do that. If you find the one that works best with you (probably Viagra), at least you’ll be able to have a good time. But then, I’d also recommend to not visit escorts too often, of course, it might slow your reboot.
     
    niskanen91 likes this.
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey @Bilbo Baggins , thanks for your feedback. I agree that masturbation may impact recovery, I'm trying to stay away from that but it gets so hard after a while. I become really tense :(

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 18, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 1
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  12. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Well it’s better to masturbate than to watch porn, no doubt about that. If you try to do it as less as possible, that’s already pretty good. Keep it up.
     
    niskanen91 likes this.
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Tension was unbearable last night after not orgasming for 7 days. Funny thing that I still felt horny 30 minutes after an orgasm.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 25, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 1
     
  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Tension from not orgasming makes me super angry/frustrated/tense.

    Don't know what to think of this.
     
  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 27, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 2
     
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 3, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 1
     
  17. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    2nd MO today


    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 3, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 2
     
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Don't mind me, I'm just pasting 6 rules again:

    1) No porn - doesn't need explanation. Relapsing to porn is like relapsing to cigarettes, nothing else matters if I don't stay away from P.
    2) No substitutes - if it's ain't real, no deal. In the past stories, photos etc. had similar effect as porn. So FetLife and femdom stories count as porn.
    3) MO is bad because it keeps me away from real deal (as it lowers the tension and decreases libido, plus it keeps my sexuality in fantasy land). It's not as bad as porn though and I can recover completely in 7-10 days (I think) so I'll keep separate counter for that.
    4) Training (both soccer and strength) is good as, among many other benefits, it makes me horny.
    5) Escorts, despite disadvantages are good because:
    a) they keep my sexuality closer to reality,
    b) sexual experience (I have obviously very little),
    c) zero consequences (social) if my penis doesn't work.
    So whenever I feel horniness towards real girls on the streets/anywhere, I'll just go visit an escort. This is very important part of the strategy.
    6) Distinction between femdom and vanilla isn't important at this point as long as it happens in real life. Discovery of my REAL preferences is an additional but important goal of this journey.
     
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 9, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 4

    2 quick MOs raise the orgasm counter in last week to four (however only until tomorrow).

    The good news? Lots of sperm and good erection. Also only 6 days left until 90 days without porn.
     
  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 9, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 2
     

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