Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Nov 29, 2020
     
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    2 weeks without porn!
     
  3. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Nice!
     
    niskanen91 likes this.
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Just pasting 6 rules again:

    1) No porn - doesn't need explanation. Relapsing to porn is like relapsing to cigarettes, nothing else matters if I don't stay away from P.
    2) No substitutes - if it's ain't real, no deal. In the past stories, photos etc. had similar effect as porn. So FetLife and femdom stories count as porn.
    3) MO is bad because it keeps me away from real deal (as it lowers the tension and decreases libido, plus it keeps my sexuality in fantasy land). It's not as bad as porn though and I can recover completely in 7-10 days (I think) so I'll keep separate counter for that.
    4) Training (both soccer and strength) is good as, among many other benefits, it makes me horny.
    5) Escorts, despite disadvantages are good because:
    a) they keep my sexuality closer to reality,
    b) sexual experience (I have obviously very little),
    c) zero consequences (social) if my penis doesn't work.
    So whenever I feel horniness towards real girls on the streets/anywhere, I'll just go visit an escort. This is very important part of the strategy.
    6) Distinction between femdom and vanilla isn't important at this point as long as it happens in real life. Discovery of my REAL preferences is an additional but important goal of this journey.
     
  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    18 days w/o porn and 6 days w/o MO, decided to visit an escort today. I will hide the story behind the spoiler tag, this shouldn't trigger anyone but still better safe than sorry.

    She was my type and good looking, she was vanilla as well, there was zero femdom.

    It was better than visit 11 days ago (better looking escort + me being further in recovery) but still far from perfect. The good thing is that those extra eleven days and the extra experience have improved situation a bit. She was performing oral sex (with some handjobs) for almost an hour (!) and while I didn't manage to cum this way, I came very quickly after I took matter into my own hands (literally). So the time needed for me to cum has decreased significantly between each visit. I'd say it means that anxiety and stress related to having another person in my sexual life is decreasing. Good thing.

    But there are some bad things as well. First of all, I think that adjusting my sexuality to lack of novelty that can be found in porn is going to take a long time. The point when I'll be able to penetrate and cum from penetration only? I'd say it could be a few months. The thing is that, if I PMO 5x, on the very same day when I notice good looking woman, I won't feel anything. After 18 days, of course, it gets better, I will feel arousal but this arousal will last only for few seconds and not cause full erection. So 18-days-free version of me will be light years ahead of the PMO-version because the first version will flirt with women but the reality is that penetration is still far away. The next step is cumming from oral sex.

    I think that the problems related to stress etc. can be solved relatively quickly but this novelty thing (leading to a lack of interest in sex) is going to be a huge obstacle. I will wait until I'm 45-60 days PMO-free before next escort.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2020
  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO'd in the evening as well :)

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Dec 5, 2020
     
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Dec 6, 2020
     
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    A tragedy happened.

    I didn't relapse though.

    Trigger for those into femdom. And also a huge warning.

    I visited domme today. The same one that I visitied two months ago. She changed flats, which is interesting but we will get to that point later.

    The session itself was good but it was much harder for me to come when masturbating next to her than it was with vanilla escorts, I think this may be due to the fact that it's hard to relax during the femdom session. I don't know. Doesn't matter.

    What matters though is under "spoiler" (some light femdom triggers there necessary to explain the whole situation)

    Let's go back to the first session. I noticed that in general dommes/escorts behave in a very logical way, which balances their willingness to be done with customer, making sure that he doesn't post bad review and increasing the profit. This has been displayed in almost all my visits and also reviews/opinions that I've read online. So for example, it was normal for domme to order me to do something and then play with their phone. Perfectly logical from her point of view. Also, it's important to notice that in general, escorts have video cameras near entrances of the flats (for their safety etc.). During femdom sessions, I'm kinda obsessed with being recorded, I think that's understandable. Back to the first session. At some point, "the domme" took me by the leash and ordered that we go "for a walk", while I was on all fours. We left her bedroom (where we could have performed the walk as well but whatever) and went to the entrance hall. Now, all her activities took a significant time but with this "walk", we went through the entrance hall and we were done. It was strange.

    Back to the second session (today). In the beginning, when I was telling her the things that I'd like her to use on me, I mentioned handcuffs. After initial foreplay, she again made me walk on all fours and said "let's go and get handcuffs". Where? To the entrance hall. This time, it was another flat. She has opened a wardrobe, took a realistic looking dildo and ordered me to put it in my mouth (while on the leash and all fours of course). She took handcuffs and also some other items and we went back to the bedroom.

    AND WE NEVER USED ANY OF THOSE.

    Session ends, I get a shower and get ready to leave. My shoes are in the entrance hall so I was left alone for some time when putting them up. I was looking for a video camera in this big entrance hall. And what do I find?

    Air freshener with something inside. It was hard to determine what was inside but looked like camera. And it was aiming directly at the place where I was earlier during taking those tools. This is the tragedy. I'm 99,9% sure that this "domme" is collecting a blackmail material for customers this way. Ehhhhhhhhhh...
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2020
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    24 days without porn! ;)

    Feeling "beta" after the last visit. I will maybe write more about that in the future but in general, I come close to the conclusion that even if a woman offers "domination", the act itself makes her biologically repulsed by the submissive male, in other words, I think that finding fulfillment through femdom in real life may be impossible.

    When watching femdom porn (or even fantasizing about femdom), we are "consuming" the aggressive/sadistic woman but without having to do anything ourselves. We still feel like sh*t (or at least I do) after that but we are generally relaxing and having fun (because the suffering happens on the screen or in our head). When performing femdom in real life, I generally noticed that some things I thought would be exciting feel fake, some are too light and some feel awful. Also, when taking part in femdom, I feel weak and emasculate. I guess that's the purpose but those activities don't bring me close to the woman that dominates me, she loses all respect to me and actually seems to be repulsed and disgusted by me. I feel like a fag*ot (sorry for the word used but it's needed to point out how I feel). And I don't even feel sexually satisfied by this. The vanilla encounters actually allowed me to relax enough to cum easily using my own hand but femdom one didn't.

    What I didn't try yet is "consuming" the dominant/aggressive woman in the real life but not from a position of a submissive. I think that the dominatrix outfit for the vanilla encounter could do the trick.
     
  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Went on FetLife few times in recent days, browsed a bit, gotta stop that so writing it here. Still porn-free though.
     
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    ONE
    MONTH
    WITHOUT
    WATCHING
    PORN
     
    dualwield and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    37 days without porn.
    I masturbate sometimes and don't put it here recently, it's like 1-2 times per week.
    I think my sexuality is slowly healing.

    Six rules again (may be annoying for readers but it's very helpful for me):
    1) No porn - doesn't need explanation. Relapsing to porn is like relapsing to cigarettes, nothing else matters if I don't stay away from P.
    2) No substitutes - if it's ain't real, no deal. In the past stories, photos etc. had similar effect as porn. So FetLife and femdom stories count as porn.
    3) MO is bad because it keeps me away from real deal (as it lowers the tension and decreases libido, plus it keeps my sexuality in fantasy land). It's not as bad as porn though and I can recover completely in 7-10 days (I think) so I'll keep separate counter for that.
    4) Training (both soccer and strength) is good as, among many other benefits, it makes me horny.
    5) Escorts, despite disadvantages are good because:
    a) they keep my sexuality closer to reality,
    b) sexual experience (I have obviously very little),
    c) zero consequences (social) if my penis doesn't work.
    So whenever I feel horniness towards real girls on the streets/anywhere, I'll just go visit an escort. This is a very important part of the strategy.
    6) Distinction between femdom and vanilla isn't important at this point as long as it happens in real life. Discovery of my REAL preferences is an additional but important goal of this journey.
     
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I had a nightmare last night. In this nightmare, I relapsed to porn and was back to square one.

    Those nightmares tend to happen (and still happen tbh) when giving up cigarettes. Nothing to worry about :)

    I'm starting the year with 44 days without porn. There were two better streaks last year but now I realize it's not about streaks, it's about removing the porn from my life indefinitely!
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Visited an escort.

    50 days without porn and 3 days without MO.

    Effect? At first, it wasn't that bad, I was genuinely aroused, wanted to genuinely touch that woman (and did so). The intimacy felt fake but it was quite arousing. However, when tried to penetrate her I wasn't feeling anything really and lost an erection. Helped it a bit with my hand and tried again. Same story. Dick didn't work and my mind stopped being interested soon after. After that I asked her to do some femdom and at the end came using my own hand. There was, as usual, a lot of sperm (every escort notices this) because I cum rarely during the reboot.

    This leads to the conclusion that maybe 3rd point of my six rules may be a bit too lenient:

    Playing femdom fantasies in my head and masturbating (both using penis and nipples) is not as harmful as watching femdom porn but still doesn't seem to be helping. When I'm home alone, I do that to relax a bit and it seems to be a habit that makes a recovery harder. MO counter comes back and next attempt with an escort will require a longer period without masturbating.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 06, 2021
     
  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 11, 2021

    Visited a domme. Or dommes, I should say.

    For the first time in my life, I decided to pull the trigger on something more extreme than going to domme. I booked a visit with two dommes. And on top of that, I told them, right off the bat, that I want this session to be extreme. Not to trigger anyone, the rest is under spoiler tag:

    So the first one was a slim domme that I went to 3 times earlier. I knew her, she knew me. She was dominating me but there was never a point when I thought "oh, I couldn't take more from her.". It was more of a show, she played a bit. She didn't want to hurt me. The second one was a young and chubby woman (however still sexy), I didn't know her earlier.

    At the beginning I told them the list of fetishes and that I want it to be extreme and that I can have marks everywhere except the face. And, boy, did I get exactly what I wanted!

    They collared me and tied my hands and while the slim domme that I know, was being "bossy", the chubby one took a whip and started to be sadistic, right away! After a few whips, I was like, "the hour of this is going to be hard to take". The way the chubby beaten me was something different, the slim one had to stop her at some points. The chubby one played the role of a cruel domme perfectly. During that hour, there were some forms of femdom:
    1) Bondage - I was on the leash + handcuffs behind my back,
    2) Verbal humiliation - it was light compared to the degree of other forms,
    3) Pissing - took it only from one, I think it's very degrading,
    4) Anal play - fingers for sure, probably also butt plug, didn't like that to be honest,
    5) Wax play - it hurts a lot, made me panic a bit but after a few times, I kinda got used to the pain,
    6) Nipples play - it doesn't sound extreme but the way chubby domme touched my nipples was literally a torture,
    7) Foot/shoe worship - it's not that extreme compared to the rest,
    8) Whipping - the slim domme was whipping with much less force than chubby did. Chubby seemed to hit with a fury and when she missed the butt and managed to hit balls, I moaned loudly.
    They both whipped a lot but the slim domme's whipping felt like a break, compared to the other one.

    At the end, I was told to masturbate and this is exactly what I did. I couldn't get an erection and came with a soft dick after long struggles. Masturbating after being literally tortured is hard.

    What do I take from this?

    I finally got a femdom experience that wasn't light by any means. It was extreme and at times I felt that it was too much.

    There's value in this. This is so different from watching it happening on the screen or fantasizing. I finally have the reference point that I can compare my experiences to. I finally can analyze femdom with the understanding of what it actually feels like. I don't feel I can go any further down the extremeness road, without it being plain stupid.

    Where do I go from here?

    I don't know honestly. Ironically, the huge part of the journal was to determine who I really am. And sadly, when I finally faced the most extreme femdom I will probably ever face in my life, it doesn't provide any clarity on who I am nor direction I should take. But the fact that, when there were new punishments those women were putting me through, I didn't feel the rush that I felt when browsing femdom porn movies/tubes. It's not something similar. I can feel something like that when I'm not (P)MOing for a long time and I see an extremely hot girl (however it doesn't last long, while when browsing porn it does) but I can't feel that during the femdom sessions.

    Thanks for your attention.
     
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO'd.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 13, 2021
     
  17. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    TWO
    MONTHS
    WITHOUT
    WATCHING
    PORN
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    MO'd.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 18, 2021

    Balance of the fantasies has slightly moved to vanilla (male dominant) from femdom ones.
     
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    66 days without porn. 24 away from the famous 90 days milestone. 289 from a full year :)

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Nov 17, 2020
    Last MO - Jan 18, 2021
    Orgasms in the last 7 days - 1
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  20. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    I have been following your thread, you’re on a good streak now, it’s good. But man, if you have PIED, stay away from masturbation. There aren’t many guys with severe ED who healed while keeping the habit of masturbating every once in a while.

    Also, this advice may sound weird, but I personally don’t really have moral issues with the idea of having sex with prostitutes, so here it is. If you still have ED, then at least take some ED pills when you do that. If you find the one that works best with you (probably Viagra), at least you’ll be able to have a good time. But then, I’d also recommend to not visit escorts too often, of course, it might slow your reboot.
     
    niskanen91 likes this.

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