Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Can relate,

    I managed to quit PMO for many months 100% and it requires effort sometimes to shift your thoughts as unwanted ones arise, but what has helped me back in those days was that i was on a vegan diet and now that i am back on the meat i am relapsing again... food for thought, it might seem crazy but try this out for yourself, it works !
     
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed again, without porn though.

    Vegan diet wouldn't work for me as I work out and need meat for proteins.
     
  3. Clips4Souls

    Clips4Souls Member

    so you're destroying your chances of finding a good woman by masturbating to internet women that couldn't care less about you? You need to wake up and realize that PMOing to those porn actresses isn't real human connection.
     
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed again.

    You're completely right and on logical level I understand it but... I still keep masturbating to femdom porn. I can't help it!
     
  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed on November 1st.
     
  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    This "journal" has turned into a place where I inform the world that "I have just masturbated". It is not what it intended to be but those quick updates are necessary for me to keep track of my reboot attempts. This time, I did not relapse and just wanted to write a couple things.

    First of all, femdom. I think it's one of the worst possible cathegories that guys could be using because, let's face it, you can have bad style, be obese or be illiterate and you would still get better success with opposite sex than a guy who is submissive. In reality, women are turned off by submissiveness and my experience shows that they aren't quite capable of taking dominant role, they are much more vulnerable than us, they are weaker physically etc. Over the last 11 years, I have masturbated to literally every possible genre of femdom and:

    1) They all got boring - when I was masturbating few weeks ago, I couldn't find a femdom movie that would be arousing, it has no longer possibility to arouse me.

    2) They are all fake - a woman can't naturally dominate a man that is twice as big as she is. We know that porn movies aren't exactly natural but femdom is the most fake of all porn genres.

    3) In real life, I would find it hard to be aroused by femdom scenarios. I tried some self-bondage and self-inflicting pain and it's... disappointing. It's different thing to watch it on screen and different thing to live it.

    So this whole femdom thing reminds me of an illusion.

    Now, let's move on to the real world. In 2015 and 2016, I had some succesful moments that make me realize few things.

    1) In the late 2015, 2 girls that I kissed gave me slight vibrations in my penis during the kiss. I kissed like 15 girls in my life but only those two have given me those vibrations (they were one of the best looking). That was the first time in my life (at the age of 24) where I felt arousal towards a woman.

    2) In the late 2015, I ended up in the bed with a girl. It was awful experience. We made out a lot earlier (no sensations in my penis AT ALL). I was inexperienced as f***, she could feel that but the worst part was when she touched my entirely limp noodle. She got literally shocked then. She asked "did you like it?", I said "yes" but that night we went nowhere. It was eye-opening moment for me because prior to that my experiences were with prostitutes who didn't act in a similiar way as regular girls. Probably all of their partners had raging boners at that stage of foreplay but not me. To me it didn't feel natural, I was anxious, couldn't enjoy it at all and my dick was soft.

    3) Then I started longer and shorter streaks of my reboot. I think I've already written about girl who was in doggy position on the street (with half of her butt naked) that gave me instant hard-on. There were 2 attractive girls that I felt "vibrations" in my penis when I interacted with them. Also, seeing people showing affection (like light kissing, hugging) makes my penis react. This is a step in the right direction. My countless relapses aren't helping me but I'm convinced that I'll regain my erectile health.

    4) To be honest, when I think of the time I've wasted due to porn, it makes me sad and depressed. However, I'll happily continue my journey because prospect of explorating my sexuality is exciting. I am one of the worst cases here, I started watching fetish porn before my first masturbation and orgasm (those happened like 1 year later). Due to that, I did not feel ANY sexual arousal to real women in the first 24 years of my life. But next quarter of the century is hopefully going to be different.
     
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Feels good to be able to post here something other than "I relapsed".

    One week in this attempt thus far and going strong. Going to the gym regularly, trying to play soccer whenever possible and trying to take care of my life.

    My relapse history made me realize that in this battle, the biggest enemy we have are... ourselves. I mean, every relapse I had was some sort of backwards logic on my part, for example, "I'm not seeing any woman at the moment so may as well masturbate", "I'll just masturbate without porn so it shouldn't hurt me", "I'll just take a quick glance at fetish pics", "I'll read femdom-related story, can't harm". All of those rationalizations are wrong:

    1) The reason I'm not hooking up with women is porn. And even if I meet woman it's better to meet her when my dick is ready or at least I'm half-way there. Sure, I could tell her that my penis doesn't work and it could work in 3-6 months (or more) if I don't masturbate to porn but is it the best scenario? Also, while I believe that men hook up with women not only because of sex, I think sexual motivation is a huge part of it. I need this motivation to give 100% to the women I meet.

    2) In the past, every little exception to hard no-PMO led to relapse. I think the best strategy is to realize that digital and artificial sexual stimuli is no longer an option and those things are keeping me away from building succesful intimacy with real women.

    Best regards.
     
    EatMySleazyPancakes33 likes this.
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    9 days so far in this attempt, going strong.
     
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Made it to 11 days... and not planning on stopping.
     
  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    14 days. Life going pretty good, taking care of my university and sports (soccer and gym, planned to learn how to skate but didn't buy... skates).
     
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed after 17 days. :((((((((
     
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Another relapse today. Feeling awful.
     
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    just relapsed
     
  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed again
     
  15. Mglz

    Mglz New Member

    You made it to 17 days this month, that's the spirit !
    I know that a relapse after such a long time feels bad, which often leads to a relapse streak, just like you did this week, but you can make it stop. Don't give up. Forgive yourself and start again, you can do it.
     
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey, thanks for your answer. To me, every relapse feels bad. 17 days isn't a great result given that I had much better streak earlier this year. I'm starting again, I can't give up because it's not like I have a choice - if I want to be able to have sex, I can't watch porn ever again...
     
  17. Dude you did so well considering your past relapses... get back on the train! Like you said you want every day to be the best scenario. It's rubbish that you can only be one day in progress but it's better than no days!! So it's a slight improvement.

    And even a relapse isn't everything, it doesn't cancel out every other day of abstinence. Unless you binge....
     
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed again.
     
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed again.
     
  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    The year is slowly coming to an end, time for a little summary.

    My goal for the reminder of this year, next year and until end of time is zero porn and zero masturbation. The biggest advantages of my journey so far is that while I was born in 1991, in late 2015 my dick for the first time reacted to real girls (only two and only the hottest). This year, it got even better, especially during the longest streak between late May and early August. It shows that if I abstain from using porn, my dick will react to women without needing any femdom stimulation. Moreover, I started working out in June, I've noticed some improvements in terms of my body and I'm hungry for even more.

    Some stats:
    DAYS PASSED SINCE THE START OF THIS JOURNAL - 264 days
    RELAPSES - 32
    DAYS PER RELAPSE - 8,25 days

    Overall, I'm not happy with those numbers and hopefully next year I'll be able decrease the amount of relapses to zero but still in my pre-noFap era I'd relapse more frequently.
     

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