Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    And full relapse - Aug 25, 2020

    Damn
     
  2. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Don't stress mate, pick yourself back up and go again!
     
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  3. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Thank you for the support. Means a lot to me.
     
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I took a long walk and thought about last days a bit. It was quite intense, I took part in femdom in real life for the first time and relapsed after that. Masturbated a lot before and after that. And during this time when I was walking on the streets and passing hot women, I didn't, even for a second, think that it would be good to submit to her. Or do things related to female domination with her.

    The problem with this, compared to giving up cigarettes, is that with cigarettes the border is very clear (not taking another puff, not smoking another cigarette). The dose of the drug is irrelevant. Once you apply any dose, you relapsed. Here, the line is so blurry that it's so easy for my addict brain to confuse me and... beat me. When I was planning the visit to this pro, when I was going there, I thought that I'm doing it as an experiment, in reality though, it was gateway drug that my brain needed. Just like buying chastity belts was gateway to porn so was this visit. After the visit has finished, despite my dick not really reacting to the femdom things that happened there, I managed to wank for hours with almost full erection to femdom scenarios (needed to also twist a bit what happened in my mind). After that, I was planning the visits to another dommes, which involved checking their webpages/ads, which meant watching photos. After that I browsed FetLife a bit and... due to the fact that some profiles there are basically femdom porn (without videos) the relapse has already happened. Turning on videos after that didn't really change much.

    So one unclear thing is, when did I cross the "relapse" border?
    When I started wanking for more than an hour to femdom fantasies?
    When I opened the webpage/ad of the domme?
    When I found the story pasted earlier and it sort of triggered me?
    When I visited the domme?
    When I started browsing FetLife?
    Or I didn't relapse until I actually started watching videos?

    I think the answer is that everything was artificial except wanking to femdom fantasies (that were still not real but not internet material) and visiting domme (which was actually the least arousing part). I need to readjust my strategy after this relapse.
     
  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Another aspect is loneliness.

    Things were improving when I was working from office, talking to girls etc. But after 5 months of lockdown and working basically all the time from home and also having some other problems that I don't want to bring up here, I got lonely as f*ck. And loneliness feeds femdom.

    I think that it means that the recovery process should include not only giving up porn but also being social and long wanks when fantasizing about this fetish.
     
  6. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Tough question - I've often wondered where the line actually is.
    I think this is subjective, however I would argue that wanking to femdom fantasies is a relapse personally. I may be wrong, but I would prefer to be on the safe side.

    I definitely agree with this. Terry Crews was addicted to P and stands by the HALT acronym:
    H - Hungry
    A - Angry
    L - Lonely
    T - Tired

    If you are any of the above, be aware that you are currently in a state in which relapse is more likely, so changing from this state should be a priority.
     
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  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Browsed FetLife today so that definitely counts as a relapse.

    Last porn - Aug 26, 2020
     
  8. Aussie_lad_23

    Aussie_lad_23 Taking it one day at a time...

    Very tough question and very subjective. I would agree in saying the relapse point was the physical act of M'ing to femdom.

    The duration of the build up (eg. having the desire to seek femdom services, searching for ads, the physical act of heading to the place where they provide the services) is not necessarily relapsing, but you could classify this time as a vulnerable stage ...or... 'trigger time'.... where you are more likely to act on compulsion and impulse. (I hope that made sense!)


    Hi niskanen91,

    I think it's great you called yourself out on your thinking before. As you walked to the services, your mind wanted you to be okay with it and fed you an excuse to go ahead with it. It's great you can recognise this, hopefully next time you may be able to leviate the invasive thoughts! Practice makes perfect!

    It's interesting you mention the services did nothing for you. Perhaps you could look at this experience as a good motive to fight off the addiction?

    Rooting for ya mate :), keep going!
     
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  9. Aussie_lad_23

    Aussie_lad_23 Taking it one day at a time...

    It's okay! Tomorrow's a new day!
     
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  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey @UK Don and @Aussie_lad_23 .

    Well, if masturbating to femdom fantasy counts as a relapse, then it turns out that even during my long streaks off porn, I was relapsing. Interesting. Last week has taught me a lot of things and it seems that idea that quitting "artificial stimuli" is enough to have sexual life may be wrong.

    I was thinking about it (in fact, I'm obsessed with this in the recent days) and after a nice long sleep that I just had, I decided to come up with some conclusions:

    1) Loneliness favors femdom fantasies. The more time I spend with people, the less I think about femdom. When I wasn't using porn, fantasies related to female work colleagues were basically vanilla. It was very hard to picture them as dommes.

    2) I may not necessarily have what is described as "classic PIED". Why? Because despite my erection diminishing, while watching porn movies, reading, watching or even imagining femdom material that doesn't involve movies allows me to keep strong erection for many hours and many MOs. In the recent days, I wanked a lot and unless I used movies, there were ZERO problems with erection.

    3) By the same token, my sexuality (as encounter with pro has shown) is programmed to being solo sexuality. During the session with a pro, I had to force erection by death grip masturbation and it took a long time. Also, on the same day, despite orgasming 3 times in the last 72 hours, when I was lying in my bed, I managed to masturbate again. When one month ago sexy cleaning lady (my type) was cleaning my house and she was, I think, trying to seduce me by taking "sexy" poses when I was nearby, my natural reaction wasn't to get near her or try to have sex with her. No... my natural feeling was to play with myself while lying on the bed.

    4) At the same time, if I give up femdom porn/material, I start feeling sexual arousal around women. The problem with femdom is, that my mind, prefers to live this solo. The paradox is that even including pro domme doesn't help as my mind, sort of, needs to twist the session into something more humiliating than it already is. After I read and fantasize about "femdom" world, I don't want to make women I meet in real life my dominatrixes but rather than that, the natural reaction is to isolate myself from other people and keep fantasizing.

    So the points 1-5 complicated, my already complicated sexual problems and this doesn't even include the eternal question, whether I should take femdom or vanilla route, down the road. But maybe this is not part of the equation. Maybe this journal should be only targetting getting sexual relationship(s) with other human being(s), not precising if it should be vanilla or not.

    So based on the above, I need to rewire my sexual arousal to real people and it's not going to happen if I exhaust myself sexually to fantasies or digitial material.

    The new rules are:

    1) No artificial stimuli of any kind (e. g. stories, photos, blogs, reddits, videos, fetlife profiles). It counts as porn and counts as relapse.
    2) There will be separate counter for masturbation to femdom fantasy.
    3) There will also be the "healthy" MO to release the tension. Hard to establish clear rules here but it should be quick and should involve women I know in real life.
    4) Booking the sessions with pros and looking for fetish events doesn't count as relapse but should be done with image blocker add-on to my browser. No masturbation while doing that of course.

    So it'd look like this:
    Last PMO - Aug 27, 2020
    Last MO to femdom fantasies - x
    Last healthy MO - x
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018

    In my experience, it affected negatively arousal towards real people but at the same time I didn't have this hangover/anxiety feeling that happens after watching porn. Also, MO to femdom fantasies could usually happen once per day. Two was absolute max. With porn, I could have 4-5 orgasms on one day. And feel absolutely awful.

    I think you're right and wanking to fantasies sabotages real relationships but I'll keep different counter as it's, in my opinion, lower level of destruction compared to watching porn.

    100% applies to my life. Something that I wasn't aware of before Covid is that loneliness factor determines whether my fantasies are more dominant or more submissive. That's why the funny paradox may be that actually being with dominatrix may push me to the more dominant side.

    Yes, it makes sense and is probably right. One thing to note though, I don't aim to give up femdom in my life if it turns out that the most arousing relationship for me is relationship with the sadist. I can, or at least I hope I can, accept that. What I want to achieve is being sexually aroused to other person, not material/fantasy.

    Thanks a lot, mate!

    It did nothing at that time but caused me to MO very frequently right after that. The visit happened on Sunday and I'm still obsessed with femdom.

    As I said before, if it turns out that I need to be relationship with sadist/domme to be 100% happy, so be it. But so far in my life, it is different, the cycle is:

    Femdom -> Loneliness -> Femdom -> Loneliness etc.

    Femdom makes me lose interest in non-femdom things (and I have been to fetish party only once in my life and visited pro domme only once) so I withdraw from social life. Lack of contact with people (especially women) increases the appeal of femdom.

    It's like I'm in love but the object of my love isn't any particular person but fetish in general.

    It's so crazy :D
     
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  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    So it'd look like this:
    Last PMO - Aug 27, 2020
    Last MO to femdom fantasies - Aug 30, 2020
    Last healthy MO - x
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018

    Mix of vanilla and femdom fantasies. Very horny lately.
     
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last PMO - Aug 30, 2020
    Last MO to femdom fantasies - Aug 30, 2020
    Last healthy MO - x
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018

    Relapsed to FetLife pics. I'll count that as PMO.
     
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 1 now.

    Feeling "hangover" from lots of orgasms, porn and masturbation from recent days. The knowledge gained in the last 2 weeks is valuable though as now it's clear that not only porn is the enemy but also loneliness and fantasy. Visiting domme wasn't harmful IMO but was also disappointing in terms of arousal.

    "If it ain't real, no deal" is the motto of my new reboot :)
     
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  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 1 survived.

    I will only feel better from that point on.
     
  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Day 2 survived.

    Having to work a lot certainly helps. :)
     
    UK Don likes this.
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    4 days survived! First weekend ahead!
     
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  17. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last PMO - Aug 30, 2020
    Last MO to femdom fantasies - Aug 30, 2020
    Last healthy MO - Sep 7, 2020
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018

    After 8 days, I needed a relief so masturbated in a "healthy" way (quickly, without engaging in unrealistic fantasies).
     
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last PMO - Aug 30, 2020
    Last MO to femdom fantasies - Aug 30, 2020
    Last healthy MO - Sep 9, 2020
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018

    Another MO, was feeling very horny. Arousal towards real women is slowly coming back.

    10 days without porn! :)
     
    UK Don likes this.
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last PMO - Aug 30, 2020
    Last MO to femdom fantasies - Aug 30, 2020
    Last healthy MO - Sep 11, 2020
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018

    Masturbated using silicon pussy. I count it as "healthy" as it's vanilla masturbation and doesn't involve my hand, gets me ready for real deal.
     
    Battlesword1 likes this.
  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    2x PMO ends the streak

    Last PMO - Sep 11, 2020
    Last MO to femdom fantasies - Aug 30, 2020
    Last healthy MO - Sep 11, 2020
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
     

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