Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. Serious props on those dates, man. Especially the cig date. Addiction comes in many forms, and you've already conquered smoking so next up is porn!

    Keep it up!
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  3. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Aug 8, 2020
    Last MO - Aug 21, 2020

    13 days w/o porn!
    Good quality of erection.
    Mix of femdom/vanilla fantasies.

    This was too long session (45 minutes or so~).
    UK Don likes this.
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last PMO - Aug 8, 2020
    Last MO - Aug 22, 2020

    Another MO.
  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Tried femdom in real life. For the first time. With a pro.

    I don't regret doing that, in fact should have done that years ago. I know that the answer "who am I sexually" can't be answered using artificial stimuli (porn, stories etc.) so the only way to find out is to actually go out there and check. I'll write down the details so I can come back to this later.

    First of all, I masturbated for quite a long time yesterday and two days ago so it had to affect arousal today during the session. On top of that, the "domme" was average looking IMO and like 10 years older than me. Next attempts (I plan to do like 1-2 more) will include domme(s) younger than 30 and I will be MO free for at least a week.

    All things that we've done are described below, I highly don't recommend clicking on it if femdom triggers you.

    The meeting involved quite few (light) femdom practices.

    1) Kneeling + licking her boots. In the first phase she ordered me to get on my knees and to lick her boots. The mental arousal lasted for a short time and after that it felt... like a chore. She was calling me "little bitch", mixing humiliation with encouragement "good job, my little bitch", which was good but her "humiliation" didn't really stimulate me. I didn't complain about doing this but got bored a bit. My dick was soft, which she noticed, I said (truthfully) that it's due to the fact that I masturbated a lot lately. In reality, her appearance and my PIED must have played role as well. But she was cool with that (she was strict only in a "sexy" way).

    2) In second phase she put handcuffs on my hands, behind my back, which was arousing but again, less arousing that I thought it would be. It wasn't also frustrating, it was sort of "whatever". With my hands cuffed she ordered me to lick her boots again, which after few moments felt like a chore and due to the fact that I had to kneel very unnaturally to do that, it also caused back pain. Not sexy kind of pain, of course.

    3) After seeing that, she ordered me (while still handcuffed) to lick her big ass (not anus, she had panties on). This sparked arousal for few seconds but after like 3 minutes, neck pain was becoming unbearable and the act that I would consider very sexy has became a painful (in a not so sexy way) chore. My penis was still soft but her ass excited me as a sexual organ. I think that sexual organs were genuinely arousing (but I wasn't very horny today) and the femdom acts felt like playing out femdom porn - I knew what to do but I just wasn't very aroused. I also kind of wished I wasn't in a submissive role so I could touch her ass with my hands, spank her etc.

    4) She unlocked my handcuffs, ordered me to lay on my back and masturbate. I couldn't get hard for a long time. She encouraged me with putting her shoe in my face (quite arousing), putting her used panties on my nose and telling me to sniff (arousing for a few moments, suprisingly one of the most arousing things today), sitting on my face (arousing as long as I could see her ass, when the ass was too close so the visual stimuli was removed, arousal went down) and by seeing her (unfortunately hairy) genitalia. Seeing her pussy and ass was the most arousing thing by far, leading me to think that at the end of the day, I may be aroused by the same things as Average Joe.

    5) When I told her I'm close, she told me that she would pee on me, the moment I come. Her pee on me felt "weird", it wasn't very sexy.

    6) On top of that, during the session, she also spanked me with bare hand and with whip but I would consider it rather light.

    After all of this, I felt energized. I didn't have this "hangover" feeling from porn. I was happy that another person, took part in my sexual life. And I also learnt that I'm so used to solo sex life that allowing other person here feels strange. What also feels "strange" is femdom. What feels exciting when watching on the screen isn't that sexy in real life.

    So what is the plan from now on?

    Due to the fact that I'd never date this woman in vanilla setting, I'll try to book session with younger dommes and while being more horny. If my impressions are similar to this visit, then I will no longer bother with femdom.

    I'm sooooo happy that I took this step. For years, I tried to decide "femdom vs vanilla" dilemma using porn where I sit comfortably and watch others perform (and when I got bored, I switched to another movie). Now, I'm trying this in real life and I can FOR REAL find out if it's my cup of tea. What also became very apparent from this visit, was the fact that I need sexual detox from solo sex. Sexual session with another human being felt so strange that it's actually quite scary.
  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Also another MO - Aug 23, 2020
  7. I'm glad that you at least somewhat enjoyed this exploration of your sexuality, man. It sounds like the biggest benefit of that femdom session was having somebody else participate in sexual activities with you. That's an intimacy that porn simply cannot provide.

    I can say from experience that just because you're "into" porn of a certain type, that doesn't necessarily mean that you will really enjoy reenacting those acts in real life. Sometimes it works out that way, but if it doesn't then don't feel too badly. Porn tricks the brain like that and can make you think that you're into things you really aren't.
    niskanen91 likes this.
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Thank you for your message, @TimeToActuallyTry .

    I was, kind of, aware that watching femdom porn would be different than taking part in it but I thought that I'd like it nevertheless. The non-femdom aspect of actually letting woman satisfy make me sexually is important. What I also consider important is the clarification of what I am sexually and what kind of a woman should I be going after. So far, the answer doesn't favor "dominatrix" type but I'd try again with another domme (more pro and better looking) after like 2 weeks of sexual detox.
    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Another MO - Aug 25, 2020
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    And full relapse - Aug 25, 2020

  12. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Don't stress mate, pick yourself back up and go again!
    niskanen91 likes this.
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Thank you for the support. Means a lot to me.
  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I took a long walk and thought about last days a bit. It was quite intense, I took part in femdom in real life for the first time and relapsed after that. Masturbated a lot before and after that. And during this time when I was walking on the streets and passing hot women, I didn't, even for a second, think that it would be good to submit to her. Or do things related to female domination with her.

    The problem with this, compared to giving up cigarettes, is that with cigarettes the border is very clear (not taking another puff, not smoking another cigarette). The dose of the drug is irrelevant. Once you apply any dose, you relapsed. Here, the line is so blurry that it's so easy for my addict brain to confuse me and... beat me. When I was planning the visit to this pro, when I was going there, I thought that I'm doing it as an experiment, in reality though, it was gateway drug that my brain needed. Just like buying chastity belts was gateway to porn so was this visit. After the visit has finished, despite my dick not really reacting to the femdom things that happened there, I managed to wank for hours with almost full erection to femdom scenarios (needed to also twist a bit what happened in my mind). After that, I was planning the visits to another dommes, which involved checking their webpages/ads, which meant watching photos. After that I browsed FetLife a bit and... due to the fact that some profiles there are basically femdom porn (without videos) the relapse has already happened. Turning on videos after that didn't really change much.

    So one unclear thing is, when did I cross the "relapse" border?
    When I started wanking for more than an hour to femdom fantasies?
    When I opened the webpage/ad of the domme?
    When I found the story pasted earlier and it sort of triggered me?
    When I visited the domme?
    When I started browsing FetLife?
    Or I didn't relapse until I actually started watching videos?

    I think the answer is that everything was artificial except wanking to femdom fantasies (that were still not real but not internet material) and visiting domme (which was actually the least arousing part). I need to readjust my strategy after this relapse.
  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Another aspect is loneliness.

    Things were improving when I was working from office, talking to girls etc. But after 5 months of lockdown and working basically all the time from home and also having some other problems that I don't want to bring up here, I got lonely as f*ck. And loneliness feeds femdom.

    I think that it means that the recovery process should include not only giving up porn but also being social and long wanks when fantasizing about this fetish.
  16. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Tough question - I've often wondered where the line actually is.
    I think this is subjective, however I would argue that wanking to femdom fantasies is a relapse personally. I may be wrong, but I would prefer to be on the safe side.

    I definitely agree with this. Terry Crews was addicted to P and stands by the HALT acronym:
    H - Hungry
    A - Angry
    L - Lonely
    T - Tired

    If you are any of the above, be aware that you are currently in a state in which relapse is more likely, so changing from this state should be a priority.
    niskanen91 likes this.
  17. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Browsed FetLife today so that definitely counts as a relapse.

    Last porn - Aug 26, 2020
  18. Aussie_lad_23

    Aussie_lad_23 Taking it one day at a time...

    Very tough question and very subjective. I would agree in saying the relapse point was the physical act of M'ing to femdom.

    The duration of the build up (eg. having the desire to seek femdom services, searching for ads, the physical act of heading to the place where they provide the services) is not necessarily relapsing, but you could classify this time as a vulnerable stage ...or... 'trigger time'.... where you are more likely to act on compulsion and impulse. (I hope that made sense!)

    Hi niskanen91,

    I think it's great you called yourself out on your thinking before. As you walked to the services, your mind wanted you to be okay with it and fed you an excuse to go ahead with it. It's great you can recognise this, hopefully next time you may be able to leviate the invasive thoughts! Practice makes perfect!

    It's interesting you mention the services did nothing for you. Perhaps you could look at this experience as a good motive to fight off the addiction?

    Rooting for ya mate :), keep going!
    niskanen91 likes this.
  19. Aussie_lad_23

    Aussie_lad_23 Taking it one day at a time...

    It's okay! Tomorrow's a new day!
    niskanen91 likes this.
  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey @UK Don and @Aussie_lad_23 .

    Well, if masturbating to femdom fantasy counts as a relapse, then it turns out that even during my long streaks off porn, I was relapsing. Interesting. Last week has taught me a lot of things and it seems that idea that quitting "artificial stimuli" is enough to have sexual life may be wrong.

    I was thinking about it (in fact, I'm obsessed with this in the recent days) and after a nice long sleep that I just had, I decided to come up with some conclusions:

    1) Loneliness favors femdom fantasies. The more time I spend with people, the less I think about femdom. When I wasn't using porn, fantasies related to female work colleagues were basically vanilla. It was very hard to picture them as dommes.

    2) I may not necessarily have what is described as "classic PIED". Why? Because despite my erection diminishing, while watching porn movies, reading, watching or even imagining femdom material that doesn't involve movies allows me to keep strong erection for many hours and many MOs. In the recent days, I wanked a lot and unless I used movies, there were ZERO problems with erection.

    3) By the same token, my sexuality (as encounter with pro has shown) is programmed to being solo sexuality. During the session with a pro, I had to force erection by death grip masturbation and it took a long time. Also, on the same day, despite orgasming 3 times in the last 72 hours, when I was lying in my bed, I managed to masturbate again. When one month ago sexy cleaning lady (my type) was cleaning my house and she was, I think, trying to seduce me by taking "sexy" poses when I was nearby, my natural reaction wasn't to get near her or try to have sex with her. No... my natural feeling was to play with myself while lying on the bed.

    4) At the same time, if I give up femdom porn/material, I start feeling sexual arousal around women. The problem with femdom is, that my mind, prefers to live this solo. The paradox is that even including pro domme doesn't help as my mind, sort of, needs to twist the session into something more humiliating than it already is. After I read and fantasize about "femdom" world, I don't want to make women I meet in real life my dominatrixes but rather than that, the natural reaction is to isolate myself from other people and keep fantasizing.

    So the points 1-5 complicated, my already complicated sexual problems and this doesn't even include the eternal question, whether I should take femdom or vanilla route, down the road. But maybe this is not part of the equation. Maybe this journal should be only targetting getting sexual relationship(s) with other human being(s), not precising if it should be vanilla or not.

    So based on the above, I need to rewire my sexual arousal to real people and it's not going to happen if I exhaust myself sexually to fantasies or digitial material.

    The new rules are:

    1) No artificial stimuli of any kind (e. g. stories, photos, blogs, reddits, videos, fetlife profiles). It counts as porn and counts as relapse.
    2) There will be separate counter for masturbation to femdom fantasy.
    3) There will also be the "healthy" MO to release the tension. Hard to establish clear rules here but it should be quick and should involve women I know in real life.
    4) Booking the sessions with pros and looking for fetish events doesn't count as relapse but should be done with image blocker add-on to my browser. No masturbation while doing that of course.

    So it'd look like this:
    Last PMO - Aug 27, 2020
    Last MO to femdom fantasies - x
    Last healthy MO - x
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018

    In my experience, it affected negatively arousal towards real people but at the same time I didn't have this hangover/anxiety feeling that happens after watching porn. Also, MO to femdom fantasies could usually happen once per day. Two was absolute max. With porn, I could have 4-5 orgasms on one day. And feel absolutely awful.

    I think you're right and wanking to fantasies sabotages real relationships but I'll keep different counter as it's, in my opinion, lower level of destruction compared to watching porn.

    100% applies to my life. Something that I wasn't aware of before Covid is that loneliness factor determines whether my fantasies are more dominant or more submissive. That's why the funny paradox may be that actually being with dominatrix may push me to the more dominant side.

    Yes, it makes sense and is probably right. One thing to note though, I don't aim to give up femdom in my life if it turns out that the most arousing relationship for me is relationship with the sadist. I can, or at least I hope I can, accept that. What I want to achieve is being sexually aroused to other person, not material/fantasy.

    Thanks a lot, mate!

    It did nothing at that time but caused me to MO very frequently right after that. The visit happened on Sunday and I'm still obsessed with femdom.

    As I said before, if it turns out that I need to be relationship with sadist/domme to be 100% happy, so be it. But so far in my life, it is different, the cycle is:

    Femdom -> Loneliness -> Femdom -> Loneliness etc.

    Femdom makes me lose interest in non-femdom things (and I have been to fetish party only once in my life and visited pro domme only once) so I withdraw from social life. Lack of contact with people (especially women) increases the appeal of femdom.

    It's like I'm in love but the object of my love isn't any particular person but fetish in general.

    It's so crazy :D
    TimeToActuallyTry and UK Don like this.

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