Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I was thinking long and hard about reasons why I relapsed in the recent year or two. Here are the most common ways my addiction tricks me and what I plan to do differently from this point on:

    My brain: Fetlife is a social site, come on you'll find kinky people and possibly a domme gf. It's not porn!
    Reality: While fetlife may be a social site indeed, it is loaded with lots of porn material uploaded by users. A lot of my relapses started on FetLife and it definitely is artificial stimuli. Actually, one week before I binged I started browsing FetLife profiles of dommes and then masturbated 3 times. Should have counted it as a relapse. Not to mention, my body was shaking while browsing FetLife. The excuse is always the same, innocent one "I'll just look for events".
    Solution: FetLife is an artificial erotic material and should count as porn. And when I want to use it to go to event, it can only happen no earlier than Thursday and in the text-only mode using browser add-on. Only browsing an event is allowed (seeing who's going there as well but not clicking on profiles).

    My brain: buying chastity may be helpful in finding domme later etc.
    Reality: My lizard brain uses this staff to indirectly lead me to porn (btw. today's relapse was preceded by buying condoms). I think investment psychology works here, if I paid X$ for something to enhance my masturbation, may as well use porn. I've bought like 4 chastity belts so far.
    Solution: No sex toys until I find woman to use them with. Or even buying sex toys only after communication with her. Not buying this solo.

    It's easier to stay off porn when it's week 5 or 6. First weekend after giving up porn is extremely hard. The solution to this is simple, just make sure that the first weekend happens only once in the rest of my life ;)


    Um, the hardest one.

    It's very confusing because not knowing the truth drives me crazy. I often even look at women in real life and think if I want femdom with them or just get closer in vanilla way? When women do mean things to me in real life, it doesn't excite me. But is it because of my PIED?

    It's very hard to answer it logically because this topic was mentioned few times by rebooting people and the opinions are mixed. Some of them tried femdom in real life and it was arousing, while others tried it and didn't like it. Taking part in those things is different than watching porn containing this or fantasizing. During my recent streak, my tastes were changing (towards vanilla role or getting aroused by female sadist but not being her submissive in those fantasies but rather dominating her). This adds to confusion as I don't know what I'm into naturally.

    Solution: It's impossible to find out solo (without woman involved). The only real way is to reboot from porn/artificial stimuli and then it will become clear. Will I prefer fetish or vanilla party after 365 days? With clear mind, the answer to this question should make things clear as well. But what if it's not as black and white? What if I'll never know? Either way, there's no way I can find it out while using porn/fantasies. Because then the femdom nor sex aren't actually happening.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Weekends can be tough. One thing you can try is to plan something in advance. Maybe go for a hike on a Saturday. Or go workout at the gym early on in the day to start your day well. Especially the first weekend or two after a relapse. After that, you'll probably get back to better stability again.
  3. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I have friends who are couples (who are dating each other) that they openly mention they watch porn together and go to shows, the social events, similar to what you mention. They may or may not be addicted to porn. The interesting thing is the awareness. You can choose to like anything, you could like both, as long as you know it's not bad for you.
  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    You're right that not having plans for weekend definitely hurts but the thing is that I usually play 1.5h of soccer in the Friday evening so I'm exhausted on Saturday. But definitely I should make social plans for weekend, this will help with both porn cravings and rebuilding my social life.

    The thing is that since I'm aware of my PIED I kinda gave up on social life. The rationale is that since I can't f**k anyway, there's no point going since I'll embarass myself if there are women interested in me.
  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    This sounds interesting, I think if it's couple watching, it's different from solo binge. Also are you talking about fetish related shows/events/porn or just regular thing like swinging?

    I think that if it turned out that I need femdom in real life (which is something I don't know if I need), it would be objectively bad for me since it would:
    1) eliminate certain women from my life (those who are creeped out by this fetish),
    2) give all women that take part in femdom with me material to destroy me socially,
    3) affect my status in relationship outside the bedroom,
    4) force me to lead double life (you don't want people in your job/male friends that you're into this stuff).

    But if it turns out that, after the full reboot, real life femdom turns me on 10 times more than vanilla, what can I do then?
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2020
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    First things first, focus 100% on the reboot. Give your brain/body a break - get off the dopamine.

    Giving yourself a sufficient break will lessen the stronghold femdom has over you. You'll still be turned on by it, but nowhere near as much as if you continue to fuel your femdom fantasies through porn.
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Good point, I agree. Porn is the #1 culprit.
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last porn - Feb 15, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 15, 2020
    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018

    Two days have passed since the binge and morale is going up. Why?

    1) I'm 100% committed to the reboot. I update this "journal" a lot.
    2) I'm getting attention from women so I know that the prize is waiting, even though it may take long.
    3) In the early teenage years I was very popular among my peers but later I became sort of an outcast. I felt inadequate. I was often wondering why it happens and, well, during my no-porn streak I felt that "magic" that I had in the early years of my life again. So I know that if I give up porn, I can become well respected man.

    I still feel "the fog" but I'm 100% aware that it's temporary and after each day, my mind becomes more and more clear.
    Merton likes this.
  9. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Shows and events. Swinging I don't know.

    Yeah the social downside is huge and irreversible. I know that Steve Pavlina talks about sharing openly how much he is into threesomes but that's a bit different. I would presume everyone would be interested in threesomes at least once to try it, then more power to liking or disliking it.

    @forlorn is right, ultimately for people like us who have obsessive brains, it comes down to the brain hijacking the dopamine to take advantage of our balances.

    For your question, you have to be honest with yourself, is femdom a part of your addiction?

    I can't answer that question for you, but I can give you an example.


    For me, prostitutes are a part of my addiction. Though for some cultures and people prostitution is just normal, so why shouldn't you call a prostitute if you want to? Yes but to me, prostitutes are a part of my addiction, if I were to call one, it would feel like real-life porn to me. Now, even if prostitution is normal to me and that I'm not against it, I will never call a prostitute, or an escort, or put myself in any situation where I am to be creating a situation for myself where I'm simulating porn in my real-life.
  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member


    I don't consider prostitutes part of the porn addiction but I understand why you do and I get your point. But in regards of femdom, I don't know that. Femdom is and always was my favorite porn genre. When I masturbate without porn, I always play femdom scenarios in my head but the "dommes" in those fantasies are girls that I knew in the past/women I saw in porn etc. When I fantasize about women from my company, the fantasies are almost always vanilla because I know them in real life and the dynamic between adult male and adult female is always that male is psychologically dominant (not in the S/M sense, I'm sure you get my point). Their psyche isn't built for being dominant IMO. Also, when women do rude things to me in real life, it doesn't arouse me. Femdom is "sexy" only in fantasies and porn but there are real dommes/sadists and I wonder how it would look like if I played with them. Trying that is my goal for 2020. If it turns out that it's super-arousing in real life, then I will not find it part of a porn addiction.

    EDIT: I also don't want to do "submissive" things (not being too specific so I don't trigger people) to attractive women in real life.


    Meanwhile masturbated but not to porn (so it's not that bad). Also feeling weak was a result of too high calorie deficit (porn was only partially to blame).

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last porn - Feb 15, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 20, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    2nd MO today. I was very horny!
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Relapsed twice.

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last porn - Feb 21, 2020
    Last MO - Feb 21, 2020
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Gotta survive the weekend!
  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last porn - Feb 21, 2020
    Last MO - Mar 1, 2020

    Small defeat today. Masturbated to fantasy.
  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member


    Source: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00926238508406074?journalCode=usmt20
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last porn - Mar 3, 2020
    Last MO - Mar 3, 2020
  17. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Let's survive the first weekend!
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last porn - Mar 6, 2020
    Last MO - Mar 6, 2020

    Hello darkness, my old friend!
  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Good video about the issue that I'm talking about in this thread a lot. Highly recommend.
  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
    Last porn - Mar 7, 2020
    Last MO - Mar 7, 2020

    574 days without a cigarette :)

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