Was it a one-way trip to hell?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by niskanen91, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    last cig - Aug 11, 2018
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    last (un)healthy MO - Jun 5, 2019
     
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

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  3. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

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  4. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

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  5. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

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  6. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

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    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last porn - Jul 9, 2019
     
  8. GamerKT

    GamerKT New Member

    Respect for keeping this updated. Just wanted to say don't fucking give up.
     
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  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    @GamerKT

    Thanks for your support, appreciate it a lot.

    ---

    It's been 3 years and 4 months since I've started this journey and while, as you all can see, I've had lots of relapses, I believe I'm partially cured. Why? Because masturbating to porn nowadays is "relapse" now and not normal "activity" that it used to be. As a result, in years 2016-2019 when the journal was being written (and also years 2014-2016 when I moved away from home, lived with other people and masturbating to porn wasn't always possible), the annual rate of PMO has fell drastically. Now, even when I'm not a super-long streak, I can feel slight arousal to real life women. Fight against PMO has helped but I've also fixed other areas on my life, which I believe is very helpful.

    With that being said, the plan now is to get to 90 days and visit prostitute. I've visited prostitutes years ago and of course failed to get proper erection but this time there's a chance that I may be cured.
     
  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last porn - Jul 13, 2019
     
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last porn - Jul 20, 2019
     
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Btw. on July 20 it was a very long binge (on hangover) with 4 orgasms. It's been 2 days since and I still feel anxious and there's a sort of "fog" in my brain. I don't specify that but usually my relapses were 1-2 orgasms, not it was much longer but I think overall it's good that it happened because it makes me realize the effect pornography has on my brain.
     
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    So far, so good
     
  14. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Surviving the 1st weekend is always the hardest and this one starts right now
     
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  15. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last porn - Aug 3, 2019

    TRIGGER WARNING!

    So today I've relapsed but mind you, it wasn't usual relapse. Having 2 weeks streak I've fallen for the femdom trap that I've fallen for before, which is buying femdom-related thing in sex shop. So I was feeling lonely and decided to have some "fun" and "excitement". I found Sex Shop near me and decided to buy chastity belt (3rd one, previous two were thrown away to the trashbin), bring it back home and watch porn with this. At that point I was very excited.

    On my way to the shop, while waiting for the bus I had internal debate, whether I should go or not. Even though, at that point I logically felt like there's no point in going there, as I realize that the only way to be happy is to give porn altogether and buying anything sexual is just a gateway to porn (it was similar with 2 previous chastity belts). At that point excitement was low (it was public place) but I felt some arousal in the bus. I bought the belt and travelled back home, during the travel there was excitement mixed with arousal.

    I get back home and while being very excited, I go take cold shower and fit chastity belt there. This is the part where I always lose excitement because initally it's very hard to fit the chastity device. After few minutes or so, I manage to do that, lock the padlock and wave of huge arousal arrives - I'm finally locked and "trapped". The arousal, however, lasts for one minute and after that it declines sharply. I grab the PC, turn on my "favorite" femdom model, my "favorite" movie of her and watch it. At this point, I can't really stimulate fully my penis and it kills arousal a little bit. Moreover, the arousal is waaaay lower than I expected earlier. Watching this clip is disappointing, however I manage to reach orgasm due to the stimulation of my penis (yes, it's possible in chastity belt). Also, my dick didn't even fight against this chastity belt, it didn't get boner.

    What was more disappointing than watching this clip, was climax. It was very disappointing but not painful. It proven me that while there's a huge arousal during a build up of watching porn scenario, the action itself is almost always disappointing.
     
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last porn - Aug 4, 2019
     
  17. GamerKT

    GamerKT New Member

    You clearly understand what needs to be done, but you keep giving in to your desires. Maybe try associating bondage/domination with something else. Have you considered exercising in tight underwear? Or boxing? Maybe wrapping up your hands and hitting something/getting hit can remove the SOLE association of domination to sexual gratification.
     
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  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    @GamerKT - I have no idea.

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  19. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

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  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Last cig - Aug 11, 2018
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