Walking on my path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Pilgrim, Jun 13, 2012.

  1. Hopefully

    Hopefully Guest

    Hi Pilgrim,

    sorry to hear that. But I'm shure you will do this. I fell after 124 days. And now I'm on a new way not beeing as hard as the first time, allowing me to live a normal life...First thing to do is no P!

    I know that you will get up again!
  2. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi, Hopefully!

    Thanks for posting here.

    I am doing ok, analyzing what happened on that experience I had a few days ago.

    And feeling stronger than before.

    No thaughts about porn after that.

    Keep walking.

    I dont know how many days and I really dont care any more about counting.

    I just know that I am doing ok and each experience is part of the process and the best thing to do is learn from it.

    Thanks again!
  3. Hopefully

    Hopefully Guest

    This sounds very good!

    Have fun on your way! :D
  4. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    Knowing you're not free of your addiction, you need to remain active in maintaining your awareness, that may be a very good experience. I'm happy to hear you're not in despair, but you've found the strength to carry on and to see how far you are already.

    With the stress of a challenging project, you will need to find new ways to deal with the stress. I recognize this very much: after a lot of work done, my old habit to reward/relax with porn seems to be more tempting than ever.

    Let's try to keep each other posted here every now and then! Good luck Pilgrim.
  5. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi, Make!

    Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words!

    I was reflecting about my relapsed experience and I observed that something changed when I started a low carbohydrate diet (Dukan diet).

    I cut out all carbohydrates for about two weeks and it was very hard for me.

    I lost 3 kg on one side. But on other side I felt a big presion.

    I am also starting a new and very challenge professional project that is also bringing me presion. And pleasure too. But everything is new and I need to keep concentrated on it.

    So, I dedicated a lot of energy to keep concentration on diet + new professinal challenges and I relapsed about porn.

    Maybe the fact I had crossed the 100 days barrier made me feel that the "porn job" was done.

    I dont know...It is just an observation.

    What I am doing now?

    I dont need so presion so I decided dont be so rigid on the diet.

    And I am reading again YBOP articles, videos and meditation.

    And I am also starting to think very carefully about keeping living in this huge city where I live.

    The contact with the forces of Nature is a medicine to me and I also see that when I am far from Nature my energy levels go down.

    Keep walking and good luck
  6. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member


    One new day and as the days are going on and I am more distant from my relapsing experience I feel I can analyze better what can contribute to that happened.

    That is the best thing to do when someone relapse: accpet the experience as part of the process, analyze what happened and try to learn from it.

    I had recognized the following as possible causes to help to relapse:

    1- be very focus and concentrated on my new professional project
    2- stopping my daily meditation
    3- starting a low carbohydrate diet

    And now there are two other things I recognized:

    1- I was distant from the forum the weeks before relapsing.
    I thaught that the distance could help me.
    Now I see it is not good.
    Our objective is to be far from porn.
    And I thaught that be far from the forum is part of the process of being far from porn.
    I dont know how it will be in the future for me. I just know that by now being here, reading other journals and posting on them and keeping my journal updated, is helping me to be far from porn.
    It is not about being dependent on the forum.
    In my case I feel it helps me on what is really important for me: keep far from porn.
    May be in the future I can be more distant. Not now.
    Participating here is very helpful from me.

    2) My marriage is also a source of tension.
    This is more complicated to explain here.
    When I started the process I was recently separated from my wife and when I talked openly to her about my addiction and how I was starting a process to heal from it we decided to try again our relationship.
    I love her.
    I dont have any doubts about that.
    I am just coming to the conclusion that being married demands a lot of energy from me. And I dont know if I have enough energy for keeping far from porn, start a new professional project and being available for our relationship.
    I am trying to attend her expectations and sometimes I am not espontaneous with her. I feel tense when close to her.
    And this situation make me feel weak about my process with porn.
    This is very hard to see and accept because I love her.
    And I dont mean she is not helping me on my process.
    I just mean that I dont have energy available to attend her expectations about what is a relationship.
    I need to meditate more about that.

    Thanks again!
  7. Arthur Redux

    Arthur Redux Guest

    I think you did a good job with your analysis. It will help you to make the right decisions about some difficult issues. Wishing you the best!

  8. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    keep coming back Pilgrim.
    I think drawing away from the group can happen to anyone.
    I can almost feel myself wanting to get to day #whatever so I can move on and not feel like I have to post here all the time.
    But I also see posting as a good way to help me stay sober.

  9. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Thanks Pizza & Arthur for your kind words and for sharing your thaughts and feelings

    It s almost 4 months since I started my healing process.

    And the relapse experience I had about 10 days ago didnt put me down.

    I could say that this experience helped me to keep concentrated and to feel how strong is the addiction.

    And like many old wise people reccomend, when we face a much stronger enemy, is more inteligent to become friend than try to fight against.

    I dont mean to be submisive to the addiction.

    Just become a friend.

    And keep trying to learn from what she wants to show me.

    Last days I was mentally busy with a new project and it is amazing to see how an idea is gaining structure , step by step.

    The idea of this project came to my mind more than one year ago. I just didnt had energy to organize my thaughts and talk with other people about it.

    Hours and hours of watching porn made feel useless to create something new and so challenging.

    Now I am organizing my ideas, I feel self confident to talk with people and step by step the project, that was an idea that never could come to Earth with my old behaviours, now is slowly becoming a real way and people is helping me with ideas and suggestions and new contacts.

    The sexual energy is the same energy we use to create something new.

    And now is very clear to me that I didnt have energy enough to create something new in my professional life and to keep masturbating every day, 2 hours average, in front of internet.

    On other side, I dont need to claim about the time I wasted.

    That was also part of my process.

    I needed to overcome this time to come here where I am now.

    I am just writing about this because I know that guilty feelings come avoid us to go away.

    Specially when we have a relapsing experience during the healing process.

    It takes a long time to recover from an addiction. And it needs a lot of patience.

    In my opinion t is not only 90 or 100 days. Or whatever amount of days.

    May be it takes years until suddenly we dont feel the need to take a shot os dopamine.

    This quote from Morihei Ueshiba (founder of Aikido, a Japanese martial art) helped me a lot today:

    " In your training do not be in a hurry, for it takes a minimum of ten years to master the basics and advance to the first rung. Never think of yourself as an all-knowing, perfected master; you must continue to train daily with your friends and students and progress together in Aikido."

  10. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    I like that quote Pilgrim.
    It reminds me that we all need to be there for each other. That we are all a part of one another's process in some way.

    very cool, thanks!

  11. I-AM-A-MAN

    I-AM-A-MAN I Vow to Never Take Another Peek

    Thanks for stopping my my journal and letting me know about the relapse at 105 days. I needed to read that today because i had some temptation after some attractive girls have been flirting with me lately. Thanks man. Stay strong brother.
  12. Prinster

    Prinster New Member

    I take strength from the fact you can think clearer and work on your project. I too have a project which would be an amazing thing to see put into production and maybe soon my thoughts will be clear enough to move on and develop that idea.

    Keep the faith my friends we will all be better for it
  13. Arthur Redux

    Arthur Redux Guest

    I like what you said about becoming friends with your stronger enemy and learning from it. There's a lot of wisdom there.
  14. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Hey Pilgrim, glad to see all that wisdom coming from your posts.

    Well done indeed, bear in mind that Rome wasn't built in one day - I've been fighting against porn for 2 years. This will never instantly vanish, it takes lots of time because our neurological pattern has been warped by years and years of intensive porn use.

    We're almost there, but how long will it take? God knows, let's not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry for itself as each day has enough trouble of its own.

    Keep it up!
  15. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Hey Pilgrim,

    I see you made it to 100 days but somehow you're still not in the Hall of Fame.

    Is that 100 days without PMO, 100 days without PM, or 100 days without P?

    I want to add you to the list.
  16. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi all!

    Thanks for posting here.

    I was busy last days and not visiting here so frequently.

    Even not coming here I am feeling connected with the forum.

    Underdog: Firt of ll I want to thank you very much for having started this forum and for taking care of it. THank you!! It was 100 days no PMO. Then I had a "relapse", with something like 105 days. Now I am close to 140 days since I started. I dont know the criteria for the Hall of Fame.

    Hi, Steffy! You are totally right. It takes time and patience to keep long from porn. And we dont need to feel bad or guilty if we have a relapse episody. It is just part of the process. Actually I am feeling better now than before relapsing.
    Now I feel more relax and I also feel that my relationship with porn is less tense.

    Arthur: I dont if there is wisdom or not. What I know is that in my journey the position of dialog with the addiction and learn from it is very practical. It helps me. It works. To fight against something so strong is a wasting of energy. And by conversate with the addiction I am learning a lot about me.

    Prinster: I hope you put your project into practice too. Just be patient. It can take a few time for you to recover. Dont worry. JUst wait to the right time. I had this project in mind for almost the last 2 years. And no energy to start it. Go step by step and by now concentrate on your recovering. Keep your project in your mental map. Say to it that you will do it. At the right time you naturally will feel strong to start it. Good luck!

    I am a man: thank you for posting here too. You are always a source of inspiration and power. I smiled when I read about the 2 girls. Why? I thaught inmediately you should have sex with them. Maybe it is not politically correct because you are married. But before being married you are a man. And we know that by quiting porn we now have a lot of sexual energy available. So... they are feeling this...

    Pizzaman: Thank you! That´s true, we are here helping each other and this forum is a huge help in my process. Good luck!

    A quote from Morihei Ueshiba:

    "In Aikido we never attack. An attack is proof that one is out of control. Never run away from any kind of challenge, but do not try to suppress or control an opponent unnaturally. Let attackers come any way they like and then blend with them. Never chase after opponents. Redirect each attack and get firmly behind it."
  17. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member


    Good to see you're doing well.

    Keep it up
  18. Demon_In_Me

    Demon_In_Me New Member

    A great journal.

    I read a new one everyday, dude even if English isn't your 1st language your writing is fantastic, I hope to emulate everyone's success and reach my goal so thanks for posting and being evidence that this is possible...
  19. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    Good to hear a bit from you again. I've been away from the forum too, but it's good to come back every now and then, to be reminded of this key-period in which we started this new porn-less era, in which we are free from this addiction.

    Greets & all the best, Pilgrim.

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