Walking on my path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Pilgrim, Jun 13, 2012.

  1. fullset

    fullset Member

    Awesome job pilgrim. Like you said 'step-by-step'. Slow and steady. Good to see you progress and fight through cravings for porn and prostitutes.

    Good luck man!
  2. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    DAY 87

    thank you very much for your support, Cleanhands, Fullset & Rc!

    It s always a special feeling when someone post something on my journal.
    It seems a small detail but it is not. I feel like receiving an extra force to keep walking on this journey when read the comments.

    I am doing ok, feeling calm and "rebalanced".

    The name of this forum (thank you , underdog for having iniciated it!!!) couldnt be more apropriated.

    I am feeling that since I started this healing process not only my brain is being rebalanced but every thing in my life: my health, my marriage, my creativity, my self confidence, my sense of humour, my will to iniciate new professional challenges.

    Many ups and downs on the process.

    Diferent stages.

    I am learing that is VERY IMPORTANT for me to be aware at the changes of those different stages.

    Sometimes I feel ok for some weeks but I cant stop being alert because suddenly everything changes and I can have urges.

    In my case I am identificating that the most dangerous poison to push me down are tense situations.

    And meditation has been very helpful to me to be more self aware and look for my center on those tense situations so I dont let them push me down.

    I had a few cravings for watching porn on the process until now but not so many as I thaught it could be.

    I am realizing that in my case the cravings for visiting prostitutes were more frequent and stronger than for watching porn.

    Actually the only thing about porn that still reminds is that sometimes I remember the face of my favourite porn actress. Just her face and not the scenes.

    By the way, sometime ago I watched a movie on youtube with her on which she is iterviewed about the porn industry (not sex scenes on this movie, it is just a journalist and her talking). And when the journalist asks her about the possibility of her brothers or systers coming into the porn industry, she answered a very strong NO! And she said that it is all fantasy and she feels desensitised after too much porn.

    Thanks again and good luck!
  3. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    thanks Pilgrim.
    as always your words inspire me.

    Keep up the great recovery!

  4. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    I'm happy you like the playing for change project. I find it very inspiring too. You posted a wrong link, so here's the right one again:


    Thanks for all the inspiration that you bring to this forum, Pilgrim.
  5. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    DAY 89

    thanks, Make, Pizza and Cleanhands

    thanks for correcting the link, Make.

    just another music from PLAYING FOR CHANGE (don´t worry)


    89 days without porn is so GOOD!!!

    keep walking
  6. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    DAY 90

    90 days without porn!

    Last night I had a nightmare on which I was cominig into watching porn again.
    Like on my worse days.
    On the dream I couldnt resist and I came back to porn.
    It was really a bad dream. I felt like something inside of me was trying to say me "you are not able to get the 90 days".

    Just a dream.

    I am here, on the middle of my day 90.

    Happy and strong.

    When I satrted this process, 90 days ago, I decided to dont be worry about the goal of 90 days but concentrate on learning with the process.

    It has been an amazing journey. Many ups and downs.

    And now I feel I know more my self than 90 days ago.

    For those who are starting this process: take it easy, do it step by step, be very kind with yourself, learn with the process and dont fight with the addiction. Try to look at the addiction as a master who wants to teach us something.

    I know it is very difficult to look in this way.

    It seems we have to fight it , hate it, blame it.

    I dont like to give advices. I feel that each one needs to find its own way and follow it.

    I just feel it is good to show a different way of dealing with the addiction.

    I dont say this way is better than others.

    Ii is just a different way.

    Try to meditate and look inside of you and calmly, very calmly, try to ask for help to the addiction.

    Just ask it to help you and say what to do.


    And good luck!
  7. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi, Cleanhands

    Do you mean plans about the recovering?
    If you mean this, I have no plans.
    Just keep walking, being aware, vigilant.
    I feel the journey is not finished. It still goes on.

    If you mean about other aspects, I am with a lot of energy available now.
    So I am starting a new professional project on the area of education which is going to be developed with people from the country where I live and 3 other countries.
    I always love studying and I always hated school.
    All my years at school were a waste of time.
    Maybe just a few professors and all my friends were the only thing that can be saved.
    And I see that most schools dont change over the years.
    It is the same.
    Teaching a lot of stupid things that nobody uses o practical life, keep child and young people for years being doctrinated to be "good and obedient people" and most of schools are based on competition, good marks and so on.

    As this subject it is very interesting to me, last time I was thinking a lot on this international nomad school project for people who wants to learn from nature, from colaboration, from each other, from science and spirituality together.

    And after quiting porn ideas and energy became stronger and more clear so I started to talk with people I know in other countries and I the reception to the idea is being very good.

    So I guess next months I ll be very busy with this project and I will keep travelling and being a "professioanal" pilgrim.

    This is also a result of this healing process.

    This idea was on my mind for a long time.

    I just couldnt stop and organize my thaughts or put something in practice. I was wasting precious hours of my life everyday watching porn.

    and thanks again to all people here for helping me on this journey
  8. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    All right 90 days! Obviously you won't ever go back to porn after this haha
  9. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Yep porn seems to be a bygone for you now.

    Keeping alive your projects is the key to your success.

    Fantastic man! Keep on rocking!
  10. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    Pilgrim, what you say about the education system is really on the money.
    and I love what you're talking about with learning from nature and it being collaborative.

    what a gift you have given yourself by being sober and unlocking all this new energy.
    i've said it before and I'll say it again, you're really an inspiration!

    Keep on rockin' as someone already said.

  11. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: Walking on my path - 98 days no PMO

    98 great days!

    Thanks, Pizza, Steffie and RcFergie!

    I am coming less to the forum as I am feeling is better for me to stay a bit far from internet and concentrate on real actions I am starting to be demanded to do on my new project.

    I just came to say thank you again and again.

    THank you all people from this forum, Underdog to had created it, Gary for your job.

    The last 98 days of my life have been awsome. Even with my ups and downs that are part of the journey, I am feeling that I am recovering my own life.

    Keep walking and very good luck for you all.

    Find your path, your own way to this journey and dont compare to anybody eles.

    And relax and enjoy the journey.

    Step by step
  12. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    Re: Walking on my path - 98 days no PMO

    It is a subgroup to hear about your progress! You been an inspiration for a lot of us, and I'm very happy to see you are doing well. Good luck with the project!
  13. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Yep, good luck mate, what a fabulous piece of inspiration. 98 days, I also hope to see you come less often. Do keep us posted when you come.
  14. Hopefully

    Hopefully Guest

    Have fun on your way! :D
  15. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    Great job Pilgrim!

    You are someone who really committed and I will remember that.

    Thanks for helping to keep me going.

  16. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    100 days

    THank all of you, men!

    Just posting here to register 100 days of no PMO!

    Thank and keep going!
  17. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    Yeah!! I'm behind you, you are helping me find my path. Congratulations.
  18. fullset

    fullset Member

    Congrats pilgrim...you've truly been an inspiration!
  19. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    All right Pilgrim, that's my man! 100 days is great!
  20. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi all!

    Thanks again for your kind words.

    Today I came here to tell you a new experience.

    Yesterday, after almost 110 days of no PMO, I had the so called relapsed experience.

    I dont like that word, actually.

    I always read journals of people and I felt that for many this experience was very bad, bringing a big frustration and may be a guilty feeling and others things to push down the process of recovering.

    I felt that the mental consequences after havng relapsed were much dangerous that physical consequences.

    And I always tryed to imagine how I would react if I had this experience.

    Specially when the days were going to go and go on my journey.

    And I was aware that I am not free of that.

    I posted this on "success histories": I donte feel free from the addiction.

    Well, so here I am again.

    Starting again a new journey after one day.

    How it happened?

    I was alone at home, I had drunk wine, very horny, some pressure from a very busy week (but I dont feel this was the reason) and suddenly started to masturbate and very fast I decided I just couod take a look at some soft erotic images and I then ,once started the process, I wasnt able to stop it and I had an orgasm in les than 5 minutes.

    How did I feel after?

    It was strange.
    I was surprised of how it happened.
    I also experienced come guilty feelings and some frustrations about my self.
    And then , slowly, I realized that it just happened so I had something to learn from the experience.
    So it wouod be much more practical to concentrate on the learnings I could take from the expierence instead of feeling bad about it.

    So here I am again.

    Coming back to day one.

    A new learning experience.

    May be I was missing you and this relaps was a motivation to come back here again.

    I still dont know what is behind the experience I had. What caused it.

    I just know that this experience is trying to say something to me.

    One thing I realized is that this experience made me go back again to the begginig of the process and read again Your Brain On POrn articles.

    I also had stopp meditation and I know how meditate is good for me. So I need to come back to meditate.

    And I also have the experience of about 110 days with no porn.

    And now I know how this is good for me and how is boring and how much energy I lose by masturbating and watching porn.

    110 days ago I didnt know how good it was.

    And now I also had started a very challenging new professioanl project that is being very excited and is demanding me alot of concentration and energy. So I dont have energy available for both (this project and porn).

    So, even if I dont understand the raesons for this experience, I am at least not guilty and not frustated about myself.

    So, come on again, step by step.

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