Walking on my path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Pilgrim, Jun 13, 2012.

  1. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Day 7

    I just dont believe I am being able to get to day 7 without PMO!
    First I sorry for any mistake. English is not my language.
    I also thank to all the people at the forum for the help I ve received. And also for the inspirings narratives I ve read.
    And i thank Gary Wilson as well for the way he explained what the fuck was going on on my body.
    Just a few days ago I was dealing alone with all this shit. And I didnt know what to do.
    I ve tried therapy (family constellation) , meditation. It helped me a lot. But I needed to understand the chemical process and read the journals at this forum to find a way to go for a solution.
    I am 46 yo and masturbate for a loooong time like most people here. And things became out of control last years with high speed internet and all that tons of porn we already know.
    It was so hard the addiction (actually i should say it IS) that even being aware that i was ruining my life I just couldnt find a way to quit.
    It is my first week and still there is a long walk to walk.
    I am a pilgrim so i am used to walk step by step.
    One day after the other.
    What I ve learned after 7 days?
    First 3 or 4 days were quiet easy. I fell a kind of lethargy but not so strong. And I was surprised because I thaught it should be harder.
    Day 5 I have the first surprised. At evening i felt my mood changing suddenly and i almost relapsed.
    I came to the forum and ask for help and read other people journals. I found an excellent breath exercise at John4mylife and I did it. (thanks, John!)., went for a walk and slowly calmed down.
    Day 6 was very hard. I couldnt sleep at night. Felt headache, anxiety, depression. Really bad. Not cravings. Just physical symptoms.
    Today is doing ok. A bit lethargic and smog thinking.
    I learned that changes can occur at any moment so I MUST be totally present, aware of what it s happening in my body.
    I also learned that there is a forum where people can help me. And it works!
    I am also doing meditation in early in the morning and also at night. It s helping me very much. I m doing Osho technics which are more active and so I can go really into the meditations.
    I try to have a walk every day.
    Stopped drink alcohol. I drunk a little bit the first days and felt that it doesnt work.
    I am very aware at the way I look at girls I meet during the day. I am realising that i have a kind of porn way of looking that triggers me. I wasnt aware of this "porn looking" until a few days ago. It was just a normal way of looking at beautiful girls. It is not! I mean, one thing is appreciate the beauty. Other different thing is scann a girl an fantasize about many aspects with this girl. This scanning is a waste of time and energy and triggers me.
    Same thing occurs with other sexual stimuli. Photos, magazines, etc.
    I am being very careful about what i m looking at and how this stimuli affects me.
    I am tottally prioryzing ths reboot process so I m not doing anything that can generate extra stress.
    Just normal activities.
    One more thing: i talked to a friend of mine about what s going on. It was hard because i felt ashame. He is older than me and is not addicted. He felt tottally surprised at the beggining. He just didnt know anything about this addiction and thaught i was kidding. I ask him to look YBOP site and so he understood perfectly. We agree to talk and I also can call him in case of urges.
    I know that we have virtual help here. But REAL help is also welcomed.
    I reccomend to have a REAL help as well.
    What else?
    Ah! There is A suble thing also and I find it important and try to exolain.
    I am feeling that I am kind of fighting and blaming porn he whole day.
    It s normal after becoming aware of how many time i wasted with it.
    But i feel this is not sustainable to keep my thoughts into this vibe.
    I m wasting energy by fighting and blaming.
    And I cant change my past. It was as it is.
    So I am trying to think in a different way. And accept porn addiction and look positively at it.
    For example, now I have the chance to learn meditation thanks to porn addiction.
    I am becoming very aware of what is going on into my body during the day, i am knowing much more about my sexuality in this last week than on my whole life.
    It s hard to think positively about porn.
    I m trying. And I m feeling that when I think this way i feel better and stronger than when i fight and blame.

    This is my first week report.

  2. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Re: Walking on my way

    • Hi Pilgrim - I am happy to here the breathing techniques are working for you. Thank you for sharing that in your journal. Perhaps others who read it will seek out my journal and learn the technique too.

      You are doing very well my friend. I know it's a struggle right now but you are doing some very positive things already. You are meditating and using breathing to move your sexual energy from being concentrate in you balls to the rest of your body. You are staying physically active. You have a male friend that you are confiding in and sharing this experience. You are staying "present" to your body and experiencing the changes. You are not drinking alcohol which can easily diminish your will to fight a craving. You are recognizing the difference between seeing women from a porn view and seeing women for their feminine beauty. The porn view is all about what you can "get" from her, the healthy view is an "appreciation" of feminine beauty without a sexual context. You are also taking responsibility for your behavior that has brought you to this position rather than "blaming" porn for it all. And you are learning about your own sexuality as a masculine man which was one of the keys to my own recovery.

      Since you are new to this I wanted to just touch on a few points that you may have already addressed.
      Have you gotten rid of ALL of your porn material and eliminated all hidden links to your porn material. Only you know the truth.
      Have you changed the environment where you usually used porn so it is physically different from what it was. Examples are: opening blinds that would usually be closed, change the type of chair you would normally sit in, change the location of your computer so it does not have that familiar feel when you use it.

      These are important because our bodies become conditioned to expect a PMO session when we do the same things in the same way over and over. We have to stay away from that familiar experience and let the body heal and forget.

      I would also encourage you to take notice of your self-talk - the voice in your head that will often say very negative things to you. Like when you make a mistake you might hear " I can't believe you did that you idot." That is self-talk and we all do it. This is a powerful tool for your recovery. Begin to hear your negative self-talk and start replacing it with a gentler more compassionate voice. So when you make a mistake, instead of hearing "you idiot" you say to yourself "just let it go, you're smart, you'll get it" or whatever makes you feel encouraged. My improved self-talk is one of the most profound changes in my recovery.

      Another tool I use is the power of my subconscious mind. I continually refer to myself as "healing from dopamine over-stimulation" rather than the more negative and defeated statement "I am addicted to porn." I want to feed my subconscious mind with the healthy image of myself as healing so that this is what it will work to create. I don't want to feed my subconscious mind the idea that I am an addict because that is what it will work to create.

      That's a lot to throw at you at once but self-talk is one of the most powerful tools you have available to you. And it really works.

      Be gentle with yourself, keep moving forward, and remember you are getting healthier every day.

  3. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: Walking on my way

    Thank you very much, John!
    I will take into account all your advices.
    And more than this, I am feeling encouraged by you to do another step.
  4. fullset

    fullset Member

    Re: Walking on my way

    Good job getting so far. To be honest, it will get a bit harder over the next couple of weeks. I think it got easier when I hit my first flatline. In the meantime, stay active on the forum. You might have noticed that I have posted every day on my journal. Good or bad. It helps a lot.

    Good job quitting drinking. I've drank during my reboot and while I never had a problem with relapsing during a hangover, it seems like most people relapse during/after drinking. Also install K9 to block porn. Once again, I never installed any porn blockers, but I think I am a minority. But then again, people have relapsed with K9 as well. I guess it just depends on how bad you want to do this and how bad you want to end the haze that your life might be in with PMO.

    Good luck and stay strong!
  5. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Walking on my way

    I also just learned not to be turned on by any other sexual stimuli than real girls. Get turned on (or allow yourself to be turned on) by any artificial stimuli and relapses occur..

    And btw, congratulations on making it to day 7 bro. Keep doing better and don't allow yourself to get turned on by any artificial stimuli, and I will do the same.
  6. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: Walking on my way

    Fullset, Thank you for reading my journal and for your feedback.
    Porn blockers ok.
    I am feeling that is getting harder over the days.
    I am trying to be aware at the fast changes that happens during the day.
    And also read others journals everyday. It helps a lot to identify reactions on my body and mood.

    Thank you!
    I am learning to avoid any stimuli.
    Thats a kind of funny! Just a few days ago I looked unconsciosly for any estimuli. And now Inam realizing how they trigger me.

    This journey is a self knowledge road!
  7. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Re: Walking on my way

    I would like to support fullset's suggestion that you journal here everyday for the next few weeks if possible. This journal was a MAJOR part of my recovery especially during the first two weeks. This is the place you get to tell the total truth about your experience. Hold nothing back. I would often journal several times a day to express what I was feeling. I go back and read my journal now and can see how far I've come.

    All my best to you.

  8. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: Walking on my way

    DAY 8

    Fullset & John

    Thank you for this suggestion.
    English is not my language so I feel I dont have vocabulary enough to express trully myself and what is going on with me since I started this way.
    Anyway I feel how iis good for me write everyday what is going on.
    So I ll follow your suggestions even with the language difficulties.
    It is good for me!
    Today is day 8.
    I woke up in the middle of the night (about 3:30 am) with a very strange and strong dream.
    It was weird... I saw in my dream a porn scene with one porn star i used to watch very much.
    It was an extreme scene. And she was calling me at the dream to join and participate.
    At that moment i felt something like a hamner hiting in my head an I awake in panic.
    I was very bad and tryed to dont think on the dream but the scene came to my mind even after being awake.
    And I was in panic. Like feeling near to relapse and didnt know what to do.
    Very weird...
    And suddenly I breath very deep, calm down and had the insight to close my eyes and look at the girl on her eyes. Without fear. And I look at her very quiet and I just say " i like you very much but i need to go away on a different way, so good bye and take care" and doing this I felt very well.
    Then I slept a little more, woke up early and meditate.
    And the day is going better than yesterday.
    Sometimes I feel a headache and smog thinking. Some lethargy.
    I know that is very important to be present and pay attention to my body.
    I m not thinking on sex, which makes me feel very free. Its the first time in my life since I was about 12 yo (i am 46 yo) that sex is not the most important thing.
    I never had ED before starting the reboot. And now I m feeling like if my dick was dead. No signs.
    But I m not worry at all with this. Actually i am enjoying this hollydays.
    I m learning to dont fantasize which is alsoo something totally new for me as I fantasized the whole day.
    This is my 8th day by now.
  9. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Re: Walking on my way

    Fantastic! You handled that dream beautifully. The gentle way you let her go was perfect. You where in total control, it was your decision, it was something you wanted to do, and not something you where resisting. Perfect! Good job on the breathing and calming your energy. And don't give your language or writing a second thought. We can understand you just fine. You are doing so really good!

  10. fullset

    fullset Member

    Re: Walking on my way

    Dude that is awesome. You are on the right track. I wouldn't worry about the dream because like John said, you handled it perfectly. I've had wet dreams about every 10 days. It does get a little bit harder after such dreams. So I would really watch out for the next day or two. You might be different, but I didn't feel as good after my dreams than I did before them. But I kept my focus on the bigger picture to make me that much more resistant to relapse. As long as you expect that it is going to get harder over the next few days and possibly for the next couple of weeks (since you've just started), you won't be surprised when it actually gets harder. So far you're doing good - you're journaling regularly and reading other people's journal as well.

    Fantasies - It will get easier as time goes on. Honestly, right now I will have to press my brain pretty hard to come up with porn memories. It seems very distant now and I have a bad association with them. Needless to say, I don't actively think about it. But our subconscious is able to throw up an image as a flashback so I just don't pay attention to them and hopefully send a message across that that stuff is not needed. Also after the flashback I immediately try to think and visualize something positive.

    Also by fantasy, do you mean going like this in your head: "If I had this girl with me, I would do _____ and _____"? I'm not sure how bad it is for your reboot. I do it I think the most between laying down on my bed and dozing off. Not really a conscious decision on my part, but it seems more automatic. But I've noticed a little improvement in that also.

    And don't worry about English. I can understand you just fine. Good luck!
  11. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Day 8

    Today was my best day since I started the healing process.
    I woke up in the midle of the night with that strong dream i related before and I expected to have a hard day.
    It wasnt.
    Very calm day. No headaches and less lethargy and smog mind. Still some but much less than yesterday.
    I never had ED and now I am realizing that my dick seems to be dead. Not interested in nothing. It seems to be on hollydays. Just with 8 days. I am not worry at all and actually I am enjoying a few hollydays.
    Is that the so called flatline?
  12. John4MyLife

    John4MyLife New Member

    Yes your dick is in flatline. When you don't feel any sexual impulse in your dick and it doesn't get even a little erect you are in flatline. Enjoy it. The important thing to realize is this: your masculinity has NOTHING to do with your dick. I used to completely associate my masculinity with the state of my cock. If I wasn't getting hard every day I felt like less of a man. I am now free of that way of thinking and my life has transformed. I feel more masculine now and feel more sexually confident now than at any time in my life, and I haven't had a full erection in over 30 days. It just doesn't matter.

  13. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Thanks, John
    I m not worry at all. Actually, I m enjoying. Just a break for the dick and for my emotions.
    I just felt a bit surprised because I expected the flatline would happen after a longer period.
    I m just on my day 9.
    Lets enjoy the flatline!
    And what you say about my masculinity is exactly what I am starting to feel. Day after day I am feeling a more complete MAN than I have been in my whole life.
    I know it is just the beggining of a process. I need to be present and strong every day.
    I just enjoying that I can see progress. I feel better with my self. Step by step. Even with my dead dick. Or I should say my sleepy dick. He is very alive, just taking a break.
    Courage and good luck!
  14. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Day 9
    Another strong dream last night: two guys were talking to me and saying "we like women and we are going to fuck some girls now! And you? Come with us? " the guys kept repeating this all the time.
    I was angry with them and just say: no.
    I woke up very agitated.
    It was 5 am and couldnt sleep any more.
    Meditation at 7:00 makes me feel very good.
    I am steel have my dick tottaly sleepy. Flatline... I m enjoying this experience. I never had ED so its new for me.
    And I feel that the flatline is helping me. A bit swolen balls too.
    No fog mind, mood ok.
    Feeling ok today.
    I went to a very serious woman who did an spiritual cleaning on my energies.
    I felt very well after that.
    I feel very well combining a scientific and physical approach (reading texts at ybop, walking) and spiritual aproach (meditation mainly and a visit like today's).
    I know that its a hard road and many things can happen at any moment.
    And I am really enjoying each step I am doing.
    I just have a feeling after a few days at the forum that this 90 days goal is a bit stressed for some people. I saw that some beat up themselves when relaps and forget all the steps done before. Big steps actually!
    I know that each person is different and deals with the process in a different way.
    I just would like to suggest to concentrate more on daily progress, on the small steps. And dont be so worry about the 90 days. Just my opinion.
    Courage and good luck!
  15. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    Great to your journal and your journey to a life free of PMO!

    Enjoy the flatline! I frickin' love the flatline:) It's such a break from the usual desperate clamouring of your balls for attention.

    Keep on keeping on pilgrim:)
  16. TheMedic

    TheMedic New Member

    Hey Pilgrim, I'm glad you are able see it so clearly. And I hope that your foresight during an intense craving will be just as good as your hindsight. Keep going hard and keep doing all the meditation and such it sounds like its really working well for you, happy to know you find a reliever for yourself!
    Talk to you again soon
  17. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Medic and Live
    Thank you for your feedbacks

    I am working for a few weeks on a different country.
    Dont have friends here and I was worry about how lonelyness coukd affect my healing process.
    Lonelyness is a poisin to me.
    And when i travel i used to stay, as most people do, at commercial hotels, wich are a kind of impersonal and cold and doesnt help in a process like we are facing.
    So i had the insight to call to a place i knew from before at this town and ask to the owner of this place if she could rent me a room during the period i ll be there.
    It is a meditation centre and they have a few rooms on it for people who wnats to retreat for a short time.
    She said yes and just put one condition. She said: "you have to meditate every day while you ll be here, at 7:00 am and 8:00 pm. At least once daily".
    I say yes!
    Why am I telling this?
    I dont have experience with meditation. Just a few times i participated in groups but i didnt really made any efforts to learn.
    And now I am here at this meditation centre, facing a hard healing process, on a different country, lonely and i am realizing how important is being the decission to dont go to a hotel and stay at this place.
    I am on day 10 and i am meditating every day.
    I dont know how it works but what i can tell you is that i am feeling very good.
    Lonelyness is not easy to deal and sometimes i feel sad. And all those withdrawal effects.
    And even that i am feeling able to manage.
    I have my activities to do. And when i finish i go for a walk instead of staying at a room of a hotel watching tv or internet like i did many times in my life. I have met some nice people on those walks. I have appreciated things that make me feel very well.
    There are many studies on neuroscience, neuroplasticity, meditation and spirituality.
    Many scientists arevstudying the effects of spiritual practices on Reshaping our brains.
    You can resesrch if you are interested.
    Here there is a short video on youtube about this issue:


    Courage and good luck!
  18. Rebornzt

    Rebornzt New Member

    Nice work pilgrim. Great post. Keep up the journey! I am so full of admiration of people succeeding the first 10 days from first try (I had to try many times before reaching that!)

    Take care

  19. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    Good luck Pilgrim!

    meditation helps me too although like you said I'm not sure how.
    I guess that's not important though so long as it helps.

    Keep moving forward. That's what I like to tell myself.

  20. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    DAY 10

    Thanks, Rebornzt!

    Pizzaman: i posted a some links of videos with neuroscientist speechs explaining their researches on meditation and how it helps to reFrame our brain. Take a look if you want. I posted at Porn addiction.
    I am noticed that reading and understanding more on neuroscience is helping me too.

    Day 10 was different. As every day.
    This is an amazing surprise and I am realizing that is another extra benefit of dont masturbate on porn.
    I am realizing that when I was at those long porn sessions, everyday seemed to be the same. I had two moments: fantasizing all day (not only at internet but with almost any women i met) and then numb after the sessions.
    That was normal life for me.
    Now I m realizing that everydays is very different and what happened yesterday is not a refference for today.
    It makes me pay more attention on what is going on with my body and my emotions.
    The difference today was that libido came back. Not very high but came.
    I was experiencing a flatline period on last days.
    And I was enjoying it.
    A kind of "dick hollydays". And with less libido less risks for fantasizing.
    Today libido came back and i needed to pay much more attention to dont fantasize.
    I also felt a bit sad and lonely today.
    I am at a different country for a few weeks and today i had a free afternoon.
    And loneliness is a poison.
    When I realized the sad feeling coming on to me, I went for a meditation session and I felt much better.
    The meditation center where Inam is a blessing for me. There is a calm atmosphere and I also can meet some people to socialize here.
    Then I went for a walk and after walking I went to a bar and drunk one beer. I had decided not to drink during the healing process but today i needed just sit down, look at more people, feel the noisy cinversations, listen to some music. It was good.
    I perceived myself fantasizing at the bar with two girls. And I redirect my attention to other people and to the music.
    I guess this is the so called "chaser effect". It seems that a part of my brain claim to hunt women.
    Libido was higher today. Not 100 %, maybe 60 %.
    i receiived this return of libido as a warning to be more aware next days.
    During last flatline days I had no urges.
    What is coming now? Have no idea.

    On my first post I told you that I have a REAL friend of mine who knows about my healing process. And he is also a very important support to me.

    Ladt comment: Yesterday i had a beautiful dream. A long time I didnt have this kind of dreams.

    After 10 days, those are my tools to help me:

    - keep my journal updated and follow others journals
    - meditation
    - walking
    - reading YBOP articles and also about neuroscience, which is an amazing issue.
    - talk my friend about the process
    - face this period as a "healing process" and dont worry about the 90 days. Just step by step. I dont use the word "rebooting". It reminds me to a mechanical thing. For me "healing" is more effective and more human.
    - learning japanese on line. Its fucking hard and keep my mind very busy.

    Doubts: does anybody has info on reccomended diet during the process, which kind of food are ok, what is better to avoid? Thanks

    Courage and good luck

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