Vitriolic’s Rewiring Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Vitriolic-Badger, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. So I’m starting an open ended period of no PMO. I don’t know how long I need or how long it should be. All I know is that my porn and other acting out behaviours were highly toxic for many many years cause I’m an old guy LOL. So since I’m feeling back to myself I’m gonna leave myself open for an indefinite streak with no end date. Both here and at SAA. I feel safe and comfortable with that arrangement today. I also feel good knowing I can end it any day I want to. As far as other things, like cold showers and sleeping on the floor, my doc has advised me not do those right now, at least until we figure out what is up with the mystery cough. Oh yes! We are on to the next doctor! The pulmonologist! He’s a great doctor though. He’ll figure this out. As for the vegetarianism, that is so on, as a matter of, I’m doing shopping and cooking tomorrow, vegan Shepherds Pie. And as for my spirituality I’m committing to really learn about and commit to Krishna Consciousness. Now that my head is clear I can read and meditate again. So I’m back in action with NoFap and SAA both. I suppose I should find a sponsor soon too. We’ll see about that. So that’s where I’m at today. Feeling really really grateful that my withdrawal is ending, sort of at least, and that I can concentrate on porn and sex addiction. Glad to be back.
    Saville likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've found allowing myself to enjoy the little tasks has been important. I used to rush to get the sweeping done, the dishes done, the raking done, but I consciously slow myself down now. It's a form of meditation, you might say. The little chores benefit me in ways I don't need to understand. I used to rail at these tasks because they were obviously stopping me from writing my book and composing my symphony. However, I never got those grand things done anyway. Slowing down has allowed the space to see what I might get done, I suppose.
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  3. Well, went to an SAA meeting this AM. Decided to wait until I have 90 days of no PMO before I ask for a sponsor. Will re-read the AA Big Book. Then recited one round of mantra japa. Committing to just one round of mantra japa for my 90 days, then I’ll increase it. Then read Krishna Conscious literature for one hour. Finally felt like I was keeping my commitments! Plan on one more hour of reading later. Feeling 100% better back on old HBP meds. Shopping and cooking later, enjoying the small stuff!
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think this is really good. I don't know much about Krishna Conscious lit, but upon coming here I branched out to reading all kinds of stuff. I found a couple of Buddhist books really spoke to me, as well as the Franciscan monk, Richard Rohr. Like you, I don't have much time for hard-core religion, but we can find enlightening truths just about anywhere.
  5. @Saville Today I finished my first KC book. I’m finding KC the perfect spirituality to complement my program in SAA. Right now I’m just kicking back soaking up 12 step and spiritual information. My big book is coming in the mail too, I’m gonna have to add that to my reading list as well. Spent my morning in an SAA meeting, it was excellent, it was about fear, just what I needed to hear as I learn to handle life without benzos as a crutch for anxiety. Of course PMO is another crutch I’m living without at the moment and the focus of the meeting. We all have lots of crutches aside from just our PMO. Said my morning japa. Did about an hour and a half of reading. All and all it’s been a good morning and today around 2 in the afternoon I’m getting my COVID-19 vaccine!!!!! I’m so psyched!!!!! The benefits of having HBP.
  6. I came here this morning just to see what my day count was LMAO!!!! Four days! Well, things are going well, gotta couple of really good books going. One book on chanting the Holy Name that has inspired me to save my pennies for a drum called a Mrdanga for chanting. Krishna Consciousness is a religion of chanting so investment in a musical instrument and time spent chanting is going to have to begin soon, and I shouldn’t be shy about it. I’m also reading a great book about the early twelve step movement and The Oxford Group , the book is called How to Listen to God, and it talks about a practice called two-way prayer where you actually write down what God is saying to you. Awesome, awesome book! You really do NOT need to be in a twelve step group to read this book and use it. As far as my withdrawal, I finally, FINALLY slept like twelve hours last night. Just totally collapsed after weeks of withdrawal. It seems to be coming to a tolerable level. It’s not over, but it’s becoming liveable. So yes, things keep looking up. Feeling better and better and I keep moving forward. Going to my sister’s for our birthdays. Yes, we both celebrate in March. I baked cake. Should be fun. Have a good day guys.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What's happening, VB?

    I think this is cool. I believe that we all already know the answers to our own problems, if only we could diminish the other noise enough to hear it. So, God's voice is in fact our own.

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