Vitriolic’s Rewiring Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Vitriolic-Badger, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. I'm writing this around midnight, literally in the middle of the night. I just slept for a few hours, not a full night's sleep, more like a long nap. It seems I'm returning to my old sleep pattern, polyphasic sleep. Since I've stopped the klonopin, which is basically the same as booze and weed, and cut my main med in half, which was giving me horrible side effects and making me a zombie, I'm beginning to feel like a real human Again! So probably around noon today I'll crash and sleep around three hours and be fine. This was my old pattern when I used to function really well.

    So sex and porn, well, my day counter still says zero LOL. Long way to go there, I did M just the other day... But it's easier to stay sober when you feel well, and I'm feeling much better. Off to the pharmacy this afternoon to pick up new high blood pressure meds. New psychiatrist and new cardiologist. They are both Outstanding! I just want everything fixed so I can focus on my addiction! Everyday since I stopped porn it's been chaos! Chaos that's had mostly nothing to do with porn and sex addiction! And for the love of all that's holy I need it to stop snowing! I think it's been weeks now since I looked at porn. I've MO'd but I haven't even peeked at porn. I really need for things to settle down soon. I need that boredom I keep talking about. Sure, sitting here at midnight, it's calm, quiet, relaxed... But as soon as 9AM hits who knows what hell will break loose. I guess life is just chaotic... And you just don't PMO and keep plowing ahead. I have two SAA meetings I can make today, I'll probably just hit the morning meeting. Check in later.
  2. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Good call on married guy VB! I hope you can get your blood pressure medication sorted out and your cough properly diagnosed . I do wonder if cold showers are something you should be doing until the blood pressure is under control.
  3. @Cali I'm stopping the cold showers until my physical health is all sorted out! Hopefully I'll have all my new meds by the end of the day, God willing! Some more good news is that I finally got a new, very qualified therapist. A PhD to be specific. And he himself is gay with a lot of experience with issues relating to sex. One of the plusses of Covid is that all the NYC therapists have gone to Skype and Zoom so even though I live in the sticks I can get a terrific therapist from the city! And he takes my insurance. Couldn't do that before Covid, I was stuck with the locals, who are abysmal. Even though things are a little rough going, like today I'm really feeling the klonopin withdrawal, I'm blessed with amazing new doctors that keep appearing and fixing things that are broken, so I can't complain too much. I really wish I could wave a wand and feel instantly perfect but I'm getting great care, and I haven't looked at porn in weeks!
    Saville likes this.
  4. So my nighttime check-in. I feel like crap. But I'm one day PMO free. 179 to go for my planned Streak! So I just took my new meds for blood pressure, they'll either cure me or kill me! I'll wait two hours then check all my vitals. With my luck this pill will give me permanent limp... well, you know. Tonight I am sleeping in my comfy bed, no floor mat until I feel well. Hot shower in the morning, day starts with an SAA meeting. Bought an AA Big Book today for the program. Once the book gets here I'm going to select a sponsor and get down to business. After the SAA meeting I see my GP. Her job is to do lots of blood work for my cardiologist. That's about all. Then back home and maybe an evening SAA meeting if I feel like I need to make that connection before sleep. Check all my vitals throughout the day and throughout the week until next Tuesday when in see the cardiologist again and decide if I'm better or Worse. I really think the medicine I was on was making me sick and we are on the right track but I could be wrong, even my doctor thinks we could be wrong and he went to Yale! The only advantage to this is I feel to awful to PMO. It's the last thing on my mind. Some people PMO to feel better. I guess that's not me. So tomorrow hopefully a really big chunk of my day will be dedicated to porn and sex addiction. On to day two!
  5. Yup, the new med causes ED, total ED. If I feel better I don't care, that's how crappy I feel this week. You can take ED meds if it happens apparently. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
  6. Um, I also wanted to add tonight was the first of my last seven nights of klonopin. Seven nights and I'm done, then my dopamine begins to return to normal. Finally. Hello withdrawal here we come. No porn, no drugs, no smokes.
    Saville likes this.
  7. So, went to an SAA meeting this morning. When I say that, I don't want to sound like I'm making a full throated endorsement of regular mainstream SAA, because I'm not, that's not the program I work. I know people are reading this, and if you are thinking of joining SAA as an adjunct to Nofap let me tell you what I do because regular mainstream SAA is pretty darn useless! Go to That's the primary purpose group. It's totally different from other sex addiction groups. They only use the AA Big Book as their text, you find a sponsor and work the steps. That's it! On Sundays I believe they have a phone meeting listed at the website I listed called the foundations meeting for newcomers, I fondly call it the cult indoctrination meeting. That meeting explains everything. So if you want to try SAA, that's what I recommend.

    So now my health. I'm doing better it seems. I don't want to be optimistic just yet. I'm still coughing a bit but it seems to be lessening. I have a week until I see my cardiologist so I'm gonna just hold on for a week. As far as just feeling better in general I feel so much better on this med I'm shocked! I had no idea how crappy I really felt and how long I felt crappy. I slept great, I'm well rested, my mood is better. I just generally feel way way better. But I'm still coughing a bit. This pill kills your sex drive AND gives you ED. I can't think about that right now. I'm doing both Nofap and SAA so it's no PMO for the duration anyway. I need to get my health in order. Physical and mental health both.

    Later today I'll see my GP. Yesterday I felt so awful the thought of getting to the doctor was like an impossibility. Today its no big deal so something is improved. And my blood pressure is OK for the most part. So yeah, today I can focus on something other than health crises. I can think about recovery or meditation or cooking or anything!

    And it's not effing snowing!
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    One step at a time, bro'. Your priorities are right on target.
    Vitriolic-Badger likes this.
  9. Well, things are going better, I don’t feel too bad. I’m on new blood pressure drugs and the are not quite adjusted yet so my blood pressure is skyrocketing. The doctor and I new this would happen, we mutually agreed to this experiment. I’m on a very powerful drug that you can raise to the thousands of milligrams. I started on 200 and I’ve raised myself to 400. He anticipated I would do this, he knows I monitor my blood pressure and he gave me plenty of pills. Now that I am at 400 I have to give it a couple days to work, see what happens.

    all my blood work came back normal except for my potassium which was way too low so my GP gave me that, and I’m feeling way better with that it my system, plus all the other meds that have just been discontinued. So I’m really starting to feel well and there isn’t much wrong with me. Am I still coughing? I can’t believe I’m going to say this but yes, for some reason, with all my other symptoms clearing up, with me feeling better and better, I’m still coughing just a little bit. So I think I’m going to end up with a trip to the pulmonologist.

    as for NoFap and SAA, all is well there, I’ve got way too much on my mind to worry about acting out right now. I don’t think porn, or sex of any kind would do anything but make me feel worse right now. I’ve got goals in that area right now, I need success in some area of my life right now, so slipping with PMO would just make me feel 100 times worse than I do already. I don’t need more crap on my mind. I guess what I’m trying to say is committing to zero PMO is taking a tremendous amount of stress off of me right now. It’s just what I need.
    So, that’s enough for tonight, I’ll check in tomorrow some time... later guys.
    Saville likes this.
  10. So I have 4 days no PMO. and I feel like masturbating. Not with porn, no, no. Just masturbating. This is the dance I do with myself all the time time. Is it ok to masturbate without porn? Honestly I’m not sure. I have serious ED issues when I’m with another guy and I need to reboot so I’m guessing I’m really gonna slow things down with masturbating, but what am I basing that on? A hunch? Science? Past experience?

    my Klonopin detox sucks but it’s only gonna suck for a month. March is gonna suck but if I was to masturbate, release some dopamine, I’d feel oh so much better. It seems like a fair trade off. My blood pressure is through the roof but my doc has begged me to just hold tight and wait for the medicine to work. Detox sucks but whatcha gonna do, it only lasts a month. So what’s a little masturbation without porn? And honestly I can’t even figure out why I’m horny! On my meds? Feeling so shitty? Really what I’d like to do, well, I’d like to do what all of us like to do. But I don’t mean look at porn, none of us wants to look at porn.

    I don’t think I’m gonna make it through the day guys. And it’s not like I would even feel bad. If I looked at porn I’d feel sick all over. Just the thought that I could do something to comfort myself, hmmmmmm ....... wellll...... later.....
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    If you MO make sure you are not using your hand, per se. I used to use the death-grip, which is what my penis wired to. If you can find a fleecy blanket that gives you friction that doesn't require gripping the shaft that is best. Your brain equates your hand with porn, whether or not you are looking at or not. So, the idea is to change the way you MO. Of course, it's best not to MO, at all. I have always found that MO makes me want more and wanting more makes me want to look at P.
  12. @Saville Instead of a blanket I’ve taken to using lube which I never used when viewing porn. It has totally changed the feel, totally different experience from my PMO sessions and I use a very light grip. So I think we’re on the same wavelength here.
  13. Well, my withdrawal from Klonopin today went from acute to chronic, thank god! And using MO to release some dopamine made me feel 100% better. I don’t want to encourage anyone to do the wrong thing but for me, at least for the month of March, it was absolutely necessary for my health, I feel fantastic! I imagine my blood pressure has also dropped but taking it over and over is just inducing anxiety for me so I’ll let the doc check it when I see him on Tuesday, I’ll find out what it is then.

    so yeah, today in the morning, and I mean from midnight to 7am was the worst withdrawal I’ve ever had in my life, and then I just came out of it. Then I used some MO, which totally changed how I felt, what a relief! Tomorrow morning I’m gonna hit an SAA meeting. Can I consider myself sober? I think I can. I think I can allow myself that one indulgence. I think that behaviour can be healthy. I think for me MO is healthier than celibacy.

    as far as sleep, I’ve been experiencing polyphasic sleep, which is normal for me, three hours here, four hours there, and I feel gross most of the time so I keep showering periodically. And if it wasn’t that I stocked up on vegan protein shakes I’d be starving right now. So I’m surviving. Actually more than surviving, I feel really good. Except .... wait for it.... I’m still coughing.... we’ve fixed everything in my life, but I’m still coughing! Oh well, on to the next doctor soon.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's good to hear the MO helped you out. Be cautious of the chaser effect, which is real. After one MO we want another and then another. Pretty soon MO isn't quite as fun and we need a little more stimulus, so perhaps just a peek at people kissing, and so on.
  15. Scary past few days, the withdrawal from the benzos made me psychotic guys. Yes, psychotic. I haven’t been psychotic many times in my life but I’ve been there before and psychosis caused by benzo withdrawal... there is no treatment! You just ride it out. So let’s just say my behaviour wasn’t stellar sexually speaking. So I’m giving myself amnesty for the month of March until the acute phase of withdrawal should come to a close. I’ve felt okay the last couple of days but don’t know where I’m headed. Sorry I haven’t posted but have felt really horrible. This has been hellacious!
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. But, we are always stronger than we think. Try, as best you can, to still stay on track with what you've been doing.
  17. I think you’re right @Saville, I think I should try to stay as closely to my goals as possible regardless of how difficult my circumstances are right now. Tomorrow I see my cardiologist, thank goodness. It would appear I have COPD, but that is only my layman’s guess at this point. And the benzo withdrawal is horrible but manageable. So yes, I’ll try to stick to the plan as much as possible with making excuses for myself. I just wish one of the two situations would resolve, the cough or the withdrawal. One or the other.
  18. Well, a few minutes ago I took my last quarter milligram of klonopin that I will ever take in my life! Done! Finished! Forever! And I'm feeling back to normal, really back to normal! I'm going to set my day counter to no PMO! Time to get serious. SAA meeting tomorrow after my doctors appointment and time to take Krishna Consciousness seriously as well! My head has cleared and it's time to get to work, there may be slips, but for the first time in a long time I feel like the real me.
  19. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Glad to hear you are feeling better VB.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We circle around coming back to ourselves and losing ourselves. If we believe in the process then eventually we get closer to that sense of homecoming.

Share This Page