Vitriolic’s Rewiring Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Vitriolic-Badger, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. God give me strength! So my counter has yet to click over to day 1 and her I am contemplating sex, or actually contemplating rewiring. Avoiding porn and masturbation is easy. I haven’t the slightest urge to look at porn. But on Grindr and SCRUFF, a guy here and there is appearing, who would like to, well, have sex. One hell of an improvement over ogling porn and jerking off. I really feel sex with a red blooded American guy might get me in the shape I want to be in faster than endless periods of celibacy. Ugh! Sex during NoFap! Comments anyone? Anyone at all?
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    If you are up to sex with a real live person then there can be a real payoff for that. Just be mindful that you are doing it because it's good for you and not because it's your porn addled brain tempting you. Unless you're an sex-addict, as well as P addict, then rewiring with a real person is just fine and is, after all, the goal.
  3. Thank you @Saville , the voice of Sanity!
  4. OK, so here's where we are, the ONLY consistent thing I've kept up with since I've joined this forum is no porn, I'm content with that because that's the primary issue, so we're gonna stick with no porn, no masturbation permanently! The weekend and ahead I've got a couple possibilities for dates that would most definitely lead to sex, we'll see where they go. The dates would be with cisgender guys, I've made up my mind the transgender thing is a porn-induced fetish and I'm just gonna leave it alone. Karezza, semen-retention &tc, are all out the window. One partner really needs to have a vagina for those sorts of things.

    As for my non sex life, I have appointments with my shrink, general praticioner, cardiologist and dentist. Still haven't heard from the potential new therapist but we'll give him a few more days. All in all even though I need to see these docs my psychological and physical health is 100% better.

    When I return to my apartment and life I can start working out with the YouTube vids @forlorn recommended. Turns out there as of yet was no snow to shovel. Thurs into Fri that may change and I may be shoveling snow for hours.

    Tonight will be another meat eating fest, hot dogs and Beans! We had roast beef for two days and Turkey clubs one night, yes, with Bacon! Before I got here I had dropped about twenty pounds, I'm sure the scale is inching back up LOL. It tastes so good though, damn my Ethics!
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree. If you happened to meet a transgender person and fell for them, then that is one thing, but to believe they are your go-to for sex is absolutely a fetish. We, as P addicts, must be absolutely certain that we are not replacing one bad habit for another. Many straight males, as you've pointed out, are hooked on gay P and also trans-P. I used to watch "tranny" P from time to time, because "normal" sex wasn't interesting anymore. The addicted brain craves hits of dopamine from wherever it can get it. Your journey is an interesting one as you gain insight into yourself.
  6. OK, still at sister's but yesterday had telemedicine appointment with the shrink. The whole appointment was really about dopamine and putting me in a more natural state. So first we're doing a two week detox of the klonopin, starting this morning. It's gonna be quick and rough, and then I'll be in withdrawal, but my dopamine levels will quickly return to normal. This should be a shock to the System! All part of what I'm trying to accomplish. Then we took my main medicine... I'm on 10 mg.... There is no added benefit to being on 10 mg only added side effects, severe side effects, so we cut it in half to 5 mg, the standard dose. This should also put me in a more normal, functional state, so all in all I hate a great session that supported my Nofap goals entirely. This is a new psychiatrist, I really like him, he's way more competent than my last psychiatrist, he's rather unpleasant but that's not what he gets paid for, he gets paid to make me whole and functional. This was a terrific session.

    I should add NOW that I am on the 5 mg dose of my main medicine as opposed to 10 and no klonopine I MAY be able to kick the caffeine habit for real. Gonna Try! We'll see. I'm trying to function with as little chemical assistance as possible.
  7. OK, big confession time. I met a guy. Not a guy that I'm going to have a meaningful relationship with but a guy I would describe as a regular sex partner. He's age appropriate, beautiful body, beautiful face, he has no kinks or festishes thank god. We seem well matched. Right now in my life we offer each other exactly what I am looking for. There is one issue, which you might judge me for. He's a married man. He loves his wife. Sex with his wife is great, his relationship with his wife is great, he doesn't ever want to leave his wife. His wife comes first. If all these things weren't true I wouldn't get Involved! I would stay away! I'm not breaking up a marriage. I'm just a weekday afternoon distraction. Unfortunately for me he's everything I'm looking for, I'm very attracted to him, he's attracted to me and there is nothing unhealthy about the sex. Morally I feel OK about this. If it wasn't me it would be someone else. It makes me happy. A weird kinda happy. Deep down I know I'm doing this because I grew up in a home where adultery was the norm, from my earliest memories. It's ingrained. But I've decided to move ahead with this. I feel people should be allowed to have sex with whomever the hell they want to have sex with without being judged, I've had sex with lots of gay unattached guys and it's been really unhealthy for so many reasons... Compulsive, festishy, fucked up! With heterosexual husband everything feels way more normal and healthy, my mind feels Healthier! OK, so if you have to judge, Judge! I think I've pretty much made up my mind! It was pretty hard to share this on a board filled with a bunch of het guys but I really feel connected to the people who read here so... Here ya go....
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hmm, here comes my judgment. :D First of all, I cheated on my wife a couple of different times and from experience I can tell you that it is never a victimless crime. I can also tell you, without a doubt, that your guy is full of shit about his relations with his wife. He is presenting to you a false front and you, because you desire him, are rationalizing red flags that are undoubtedly present. Men who love their partner, gay or straight, and are having great sex with them, don't stray. You may "feel" like you're connecting with this man in all the right ways, but it isn't real, because he is absolutely not yours. You are his piece on the side, his dirty secret. Are you not worthy to have a man stand by your side, someone who adores you and wants to spend all of their time with you? And, this is the crux of the matter - do you really see yourself as worthy and lovable.

    The journey we make is for ourselves, and we must be as brutally honest as possible with each step we take. Sex with married people is easy, but loving ourselves, with all our flaws, is the real work, and is ultimately the most rewarding.
  9. @Saville everything you say is true but I'm going to attempt to justify my wrong or bad behavior or choices. The last time I had sex, right before coming to this board screaming all the way I had sex with a gay cis-man. I couldn't get it up from PIED and he couldn't get it up without poppers. When I go on Grindr and SCRUFF everybody has a kink or a fetish. The last guy who wanted to meet asked if he could use coke during sex. With gay men it's always promiscuity, porn, drugs and fetishes and I'm guilty too!!!!! Since I went to music school at the age of 18 I started sleeping with straight guys. It's just so Uncomplicated! There is just no fucking Baggage! When you're a gay man who primarily has sex with straight guys there are certain "acts" you get used to being omitted, certain things straight guys just don't do BUT they don't do drugs, they tend not to have fetishes, the Just want straight vanilla sex. I've had sex with straight guys before who had sex with me on a Wednesday knowing they were picking up chicks in a bar on Friday and Saturday nights but I guess I knew Mr Married Guy would come along eventually and I'd be in a moral conundrum. It's just so easy with him. He's straight... He's simple.... He's Uncomplicated.... No kink, no fetish, no drugs or booze, no watching porn to help him get it up, nothing but straight simple sex which is what I need right now. And I get to delete Grindr and SCRUFF and settle. Yes I said just settle for something mediocre and Uncomplicated and in the end he'll stay with the wife but the gays are so fucked Up! At least the pool from which I have to choose. I guess it's just so easy. Lord, minimal Effort!
  10. @Saville Alright, I'm not saying I'm not going to sleep with Mr Married Man at all, but Ive decided to not settle and to look for a suitable, single very unattached replacement that will belong to just me. Mine and mine alone. It's the right thing to Do! I hate the right thing to do.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are worth it!
    Vitriolic-Badger likes this.
  12. Well, after spending I don’t know how long feeling absolutely horrible I realised I am simply NOT the person who has sex with someone else’s spouse. I can't do it! If people knew I would feel like everyone hated me. I even planned on not telling or lying to my best friend. This is seriously unhealthy Behavior! And for what? Good sex? Not worth it. So the universe provides anyway, looks like I have a date, with a totally single, totally gay and out guy who actually wants to meet my family, on Tuesday. I live in a small town, his dad actually worked with my sister, one of those small world things, so yes, he's twenty years my junior but it's a real old fashioned Date! Haven't had one of those since I buried myself in porn and masturbation!

    I also joined a men's group, an online zoom thing, they re-routed me to the GBTQ part of the men's group which is fine, once a week for 90 minutes. I seriously need more male energy in my life. I really insulted the BFF who is female, when I told her I was looking for opinions from people with penises for a change and my world had been filled with nothing but women since I was a child but, it's true! Part of the reason I'm screwed up is I've never had strong men in my life! I can still fix this!

    Anyway, I just popped in to let you know adultery is something I CANNOT do. I thought I could put my conscience aside. Nope. Couldn't do it. Not even for a really hot guy. And I think the universe is going to reward me for making the right decision anyway. I'll let you guys know how things go with the youngin'. LOL.

    Also, regardless of my original hatred of twelve step groups, I've decided to give them one more try. I could use the structure. I think a 12 step group COMBINED with Nofap might give me what I need instead of 12 steps alone. I'm not going to go to a meeting and drink the kool-aid but just take what I find useful. And also stay far, far away from xtianity! That's really toxic for me! A little more morality in my life might be good but whole hog Conservative Jesus-ism is out of the Question!
    Saville likes this.
  13. You know, there has been so much evolution since my first post that I have decided, since I said this journal was really just for me anyway, to write down where I'm at right now compared to where I was just a matter of days ago, really.
    -I've gone from no PMO to no P only, porn is Evil!
    -Decided to rejoin and retry Sex Addicts Anonymous one final time to provide some moral grounding.
    -Joined a Zoom men's group with GBTQ men
    -threw veganism out the window, my body feels way better with meat, gonna eat a mix of things.
    -Met a guy and have a date, we'll see how that goes, decided having sex is better for me to rewire than endless periods of celibacy
    -Realising which of my fetishes are porn induced and which are innate, like I'm not into trans men at all, that was totally porn induced.
    -decided, with the help of this bulletin board, to start an exercise regime, no investment of money!
    -in the process of adjusting all my medications to support my Nofap goal of a more satisfying sex life with a real life living breathing person.
    -using ayurvedic supplements to wake up my libido, successfully.
    -called therapist again today to try and begin working with a therapist, in reality it is impossible to find a therapist right now and I will probably have to rely on the men's group, 12 step group and Nofap. Since covid there are no therapy slots anywhere.

    Well, that seems to be where I'm at at this moment in time and it sure ain't a three year period of Monk Mode. I honestly don't think three years of celibacy would have accomplished anything. I'm not sure the date with the youngin' is even gonna work out yet but it's a better direction than just three years of nothing. It seems after looking at all this that I am doing everything conceivable to improve myself, at least mentally and psychologically. Getting myself physically fit will happen more after this damn snow melts. And YES it finally snowed and YES I finally have to shovel my sisters Snow! FINALLY! LOL!
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Loving your energy, bro'!
    Vitriolic-Badger likes this.
  15. So today we need to put some effort into the dating scene. The watchword is quality. Today I deleted my Grindr and SCRUFF profiles completely, not just uninstalled the apps. Those apps are not for dating people seriously at all. The youngin’, well, he has numerous kinks and fetishes, that’s his whole sexual identity, so that is not what I’m looking for, in fact that’s the antithesis of what I’m looking for. And we have Mr Married Man. He’s gone. That turns out to be something I cannot do and shouldn’t do and I’m just not built for that sort of behaviour. So goodbye to them, and all of that!

    so, I’m going to use a real, or more real dating app. Hinge! Hinge is where Pete and Chasten met! That’s it’s claim to fame. And I want my very own Pete! So I’m gonna pay for six months of Hinge and really take my time to set up a decent profile, to look for someone for a relationship, not sex.

    as far as sex goes, well, I’ve given myself permission to M and O but I don’t feel overwhelmingly horny, well I sorta do, but if I really don’t feel the urge I’ll just let it go. Play it by ear day by day. I can if I want but I’m not feeling like a total horndog right at the moment. For sex with a person, yes, yes that would be fun! For M and O, nah, not so much...

    as far as porn, well, I really don’t think about looking at it, I’m actually thrilled to be free of it. And the rest of my life seems to be going swimmingly. The med adjustments my shrink made have made me feel not only better mentally but I also feel much, much better physically, and with the Ayurvedic supplements my stamina and general feeling of wellness is greatly improved. I noticed this after all the snow removal I did for my sister yesterday. And I’m also sleeping better. I’m also probably feeling better after deciding not to be an adulterer LOL

    So today is a good day.... tomorrow back to my apartment, get myself back to a much more recovery focused/spiritual routine. Work in some exercise. Make some SAA meetings. Get myself back on track. Things are starting to get boring, this is good. No sex with married men, no sex with fetishists, stay away from the hook-up, one night stand dating apps, let’s try for boring!

    yeah, in my mind I had to change “I have permission to have sex with a real person” to “I have permission to build a relationship with a person which includes healthy sex”. That makes all the difference.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This IS good. Spending time with ourselves can feel boring, at first. But, as you already know, that is when the good stuff happens. It is so much easier to just let our eyes glaze over, feel the dopamine rush of having some kind of a party, and lose the resolve we previously had. I was a terrible womanizer, because it was easier to than making a connection with myself. The amount of online sex I had was staggering. I don't even know who that man was, anymore...thank goodness. :)
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2021
  17. So, I'm back in my natural habitat, away from my sister and alone. It Feels quite good. Went to an SAA meeting today, just listened in, it was an excellent meeting and much that was shared I could strongly relate to which is a good thing. I'm not going to dive right in and get a sponsor, that never ends well for me, I have to be careful this time and choose wisely. Now that I am home I'm noticing my libido. it seems to be diminishing again. I appear to be heading for a flatline once again! everything is working, I'm taking care of myself but all of a sudden my sex drive seems to be drying up. It's not getting fed with porn, and I decided not to feed it with an adulterous affair and here I am, all of a sudden I'm not horny for anyone or anything. I've given myself all the permission in the world to do whatever I want as long as I don't look at porn but, nope, no drive.

    so there is really nothing very exciting ahead for this week. I'm taking up a new meditation practice, Passage Meditation created by Eknath Easwaran. It's less religious than KRSNA Consciousness, more secular. gonna get some exercise, basically see if I can settle into a routine. SAA phone meetings early every morning. I don't know if I want to pursue putting together a profile for Hinge right now, maybe I just want some alone time, but that smacks of sexual anorexia! well, maybe we'll put together the Hinge profile. It won't hurt if I actually meet a sweet guy! so, to those reading this, be prepared for lots of boring posts, my life seems to have just cooled off considerably. If anything exciting happens you'll be the first people to know.
  18. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Be careful with boredom, for me that usually leads to a PMO session.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree with you, Cali, but I think (and don't want to put words in VB's mouth) that he's speaking of a regular routine. A regular routine, with space to grab the tail of a comet should it come along, is indispensable to healing.
  20. you're both right @Cali and @Saville but I'm about to amp up the boredom actually. Went to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting this AM. The topic gravitated toward spiritual growth. While everyone was sharing about various aspects of spiritual growth, Mr Married Man texted me to set up the beginning of our tryst. He was really ready to commit to an all out affair!! I knew if I engaged him in conversation he would suck me right in, basically because I'm a sucker for a young guy with really good looks. So while I was listening to this "God talk" going on in my ears I just did what I needed to do... blocked him, deleted all contact info and ghosted him. Done, done and done. It was cheap of me but once I let him speak to me I would have been done and I had to save myself... He'll find someone else... I've only got me!

    so about me.... after that meeting today, where I could barely focus, I decided I really needed to step back and really do Monk Mode for real, so I decided on 180 days. I reset my day counter to no PMO and we'll watch it go to 180 days for real this time. I'm not sober!! I was going to sleep with a married man and be almost ok with that!! I'm obviously out of my mind!! So 180 days of celibacy, Brahmacharya for real, no PMO with a real commitment. This is day zero. Maybe when I reach the end of it I'll be able to actually think straight!

    and now that my psych meds are all straightened out, thank you JEHOVAH my high blood pressure meds are all screwed up!! I only mention this today because if I stop posting I'm either in the hospital or dead! No joke! I'm stopping all the Ayurvedic supplements until all my western prescribed meds are finally fixed, causing no side effects and doing their job. Everything is totally out of whack, I had a cardiologist appointment today, I see my GP tomorrow and my cardiologist again next Tuesday!! Then maybe a Pulmonologist!!! Just so you all know this is all because of a mystery cough! I feel fine! my BP is through the roof! I may have a stroke! But aside from coughing a lung out I feel fine! Plus I need tons of blood work tomorrow to see if any mysteries are revealed.

    also, last night was my first night back in my apartment. Went to bed at 9PM, woke at 3AM. Slept on my Kapok floor mat, took an ice cold shower in the morning. Bought a new zafu and zabuton for my meditation practice which will be here in March. Yeah, I'd rather discipline myself and go to early morning SAA meetings right now than carry on in an adulterous affair! I desperately need to detox, which I haven't done. The sleep I had on the floor mat was great, the cold shower was great, the text from Mr Married Man made me realize I need more than just a break from porn, I need a break from PMO, from sex totally, I need to detox totally. so let's start over again today.

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