Vitriolic’s Rewiring Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Vitriolic-Badger, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. Well, that last post was horrible. My life, I’m in the centre of a shit storm right now but I’m ok. Here’s where I’m at. I need to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. The Klonopin withdrawal isn’t happening, the stress levels have gotten so bad for various reasons that I simply can’t function. Bravery alone isn’t going to get me thru this detox so we need to have a chat with the professionals. I have to admit I can’t handle this on my own. My blood pressure alone is at stroke and heart attack levels from stress and I can’t keep a stiff upper lip and keep detoxing like a good boy. I’m defeated here at this battle for the moment.

    the rest of my battles, the ones that are the cause of all the chaos and stress will take weeks and months to play out. I’m gonna take a few days to visit my sister, eat pizza, do some laundry at her house (yay! Free laundry!) I’m suffering from too much isolation at this point. I need to see family, and family dogs and cats!

    PMO is the least of my worries. I’ve got to many irons in the fire to worry about my penis at the moment. My penis is taking a sabbatical! I’ll let you know if it gets back in touch with me, we haven’t chatted lately.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Going to a professional when we need it is important. Also, remember you're in this for the long-haul. We have injured our psyche and it takes at least a year for that injury to heal. Further healing happens even at the 3 year mark, something I can attest to. Enjoy your time with the family!
  3. Okay.. so I did everything necessary in my life today, took care of every problem as best I could. Now let’s get back to PMO and Monk Mode. Slept on my floor mat last night. I’ve pretty much accommodated myself to that, no pillow, it’s life now. Finished off my shower with ice cold water, gonna do that every day regardless. Still need to be more disciplined about meditation and reading. After my break at my sister’s I’ll straighten my act out. My doctors straightened me out so now I can think clearly, gonna get back to real discipline. If I get soft I’ll start looking around thinking I can peek and touch. Time to be a little harder on myself. Life comes with stress, just handle it and stick to the program. That’s what I’m trying to do.
    Thelongwayhome27 and Saville like this.
  4. Break at my sister’s didn’t pan out, oh well. Back to being a Monk LOL! Have to remember to make time to read Bhagavad Gita and recite japa for two hours today. That’s today’s goal. Renewed focus on spirituality.
  5. Ok, so pretty much end of day check in. Two hours of japa done! One hour of spiritual reading done! Tomorrow going to spend a meat eating weekend with the sister! Well, if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em. Grocery shopping all done so when I get home from the sister’s I don’t have to do that. Meds all adjusted for the moment. Sleeping much better. Mood much better. Anxiety reduced. Gonna get some laundry done at sister’s house! About to take a second shower to wind down for the evening. Spent the last couple of days mapping out the next few months to most of the years reading schedule.... a study of the Bhagavad Gita, a study of the Maha Mantra, study of the Gayatri Mantras.... keeping up with all my disciplines, at least when I’m at home, veganism, sleeping on floor mat, cold showers, spiritual reading, reciting japa..... undertaking an exploration of left hand path or tantric Vaishnavism which includes semen retention. Big, big question to all and any guys who reads this.... have any gay men on this board ever thought about having sex with semen retention? The str8 guys have karezza but there is literally nothing in terms of literature for gay men on semen retention. Anybody out there?

    so yeah, good day.... off with sis and the dog and cat tomorrow.
  6. Ok, still haven’t taken second shower, I’m gonna change my counter. I’ll be abstaining from porn. But I’ve decided to practice solo semen retention and found a couple three books on the subject. I guess I got really sidetracked on the way to the shower. This is going to take quite a bit of control but should be done solo before done with a partner, and it seems the supplements are waking the sleeping dragon anyway, kinda curious to see what happens without pornography. Also with the amount of stress in my life, not that I plan on having an orgasm.... I can’t set the day counter to just no porn and orgasm tho so I guess it will be set to meeting my own goals. Hmmmmmm? I wonder where this will lead?
  7. So I thought I’d stop in after the shower and let you guys know how things went. The supplements, Shilajit and Ashwagandha worked perfectly! Flatline is over! I didn’t need porn to get aroused at all, I didn’t even need fantasy of any kind, just light, delicate touch. Glad that monkey is off my back! Brought myself close to orgasm four or five times but practiced semen retention. Found it infinitely more satisfying than the way I used to be. When I was done, got up, took a nice shower, finished with ice cold water and refreshed myself. I’ve got a few books on semen retention in my Amazon cart for next month, two of them Taoist. This just seems much healthier at this point, as long as my brain isn’t churning out toxic fantasies. The supplements do amazing things for my manliness, it was like turning back the clock twenty years! Flatline gone! Thank you Ayurveda! So it seems I’m at a place in my life I’ve never been ever! I don’t remember not needing porn. I don’t remember not needing fantasy. I never chose not to climax. This is all new territory! They said it’s better to do it alone before you involve partners. That’s a long time coming! A long time I think! I’m still a mess LOL. Hated resetting that counter but honesty is honesty!
  8. Well, now that the penis works it’s time to start caring for my body. At the beginning of the pandemic a year ago there was a kettlebell shortage, everybody bought them, but you can get then again now. So I’m going to invest in a few kettlebells and do Pavel’s Simple and Sinister. I’m going to use the weight recommendations for the ladies because I’m almost 52 and incredibly out of shape. Again the Shilajit and Ashwagandha will help with the workouts. It’s really not a huge investment! My poor body needs some love and attention before it mates with another body someday in the distant future. I could also stand some improvement of self esteem and discipline. Plus the Simple and Sinister workout isn’t overly time consuming. I think it will make a nice addition to my life! I really have to say finding NoFap was the best thing to ever happen to my life and deciding to get away from porn was my smartest decision.
  9. OMG! Had the best night’s sleep I’ve had since I started this journal. Finally found a way to release pent up stress without porn and fantasy. I never thought there would be any kind of healing for me at all.... ever! I just assumed I was doomed! Of course now I need to be clear in my mind what my program looks like because I still have issues with dopamine, so I think it is best to keep things as much in place as possible. Keep up minimal internet usage with my three hour a day black out. My cold showers and sleeping on the floor, veganism and everything else I’ve added and continue disciplining myself until I like the person I see. So basically the only change I’m making is to allow masturbation without ejaculation also without porn or unhealthy fantasy the only caveat being if I stray beyond those boundaries that means I have broken my own rules and it’s right back to no PMO again until I clear my head. These sorts of practices would never be allowed if I was an official member of ISKCON so I guess I’ll borrow from KRSNA Consciousness and leave what I can’t use behind. Organised religion leaves a bad taste in my mouth anyway. I’ll just finish this post by saying that while doing no PMO I felt like a pressure cooker building up steam getting closer and closer to exploding. After the amazing night of sleep I had last night, even on the floor for God’s sake, I know for me personally that porn is the real problem, porn is sick twisted and evil, and that if you can masturbate without it (I couldn’t at first) I would encourage you to do so! I feel a lot healthier and happier. And speaking only for me personally, delaying the gratification by not allowing orgasm only heightens the pleasure, or should I say alters or changes the pleasure, it’s not the same old high you used to get, it’s something different all together. I’m sure when I get around to doing some reading and expand my knowledge base I’ll discover there is a lot more to this. Right now I’m just discovering. Even just sitting here right now typing, I can feel the difference in my mood and psyche, sometimes subjugation of natural urges isn’t the solution entirely, or only the solution in the short term. Well, there ya go... I’ll check in later.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your energy sounds wonderful. I think Mad Dog did semen retention, but I haven't heard of anyone else doing it. We've had a few gay men here, fighting the same struggle, and a few unfortunately that were closeted - this was due to their religious beliefs. Our familial baggage can be a hard thing to ditch. But, they made me think about what ways I might be lying to myself. Leaving PMO behind is hard, but can also be an exciting journey.
  11. @Saville Hardcore religious dogma fed into my porn and sex addictions for years. I tend to be very attracted to conservative religions that have signs out front that say No Gays Allowed so now I just don’t “officially” join anything! I just use the parts that work for me, keep me sober, and discard the dross. My North Star at this point is Porn Is Evil! All porn is bad! As long as I stick to that I’m safe! That philosophy gives me some room to play. But I’m still a dopamine addict so I have to be careful. I think masturbation is ok, not with porn and not with bent fantasies, in those cases you need more time to “dry out”. I’m still a little nervous about where this will lead but I must admit I feel much better, much more sane and balanced. Gotta keep an eye on what my mind wants to do. But I’ll be honest with you guys and if I have to go back to no PMO so be it. I’ll take more time to detox.
  12. So I thought I’d check in before I disappear for a few days. I actually and truly AM going to my sister’s for a few days finally. Not because she likes me but because we are getting bad weather and she needs help with snow removal. I don’t care, my body is craving physical activity, and meat! And my mind needs company! And I want to see Rosie the cocker spaniel and Finnegan the cat! Also she is finally getting the COVID-19 vaccine and the weather is going to be awful so I am going to try and dig her out of her driveway and drive with her there. She said she’d feel better if she had someone to go with her and I’m a decent brother.

    so last night I continued my solo semen retention experiment. On the plus sides I don’t need to rely on fantasies to get aroused. I can’t tell you what a relief this is. Not to have to dredge up porn images in my head, or any images. I’ve been thinking about rewiring. Getting aroused simply by touching and kissing and making out. I’m not going to meet guys like that on Grindr! I have no idea, when the time comes, where in hell I’m going to meet a decent guy! There is no such thing as a gay scene anymore, it’s all gone online! Pete and Chasten met on Hinge so that’s where everyone serious goes LOL. I’d love to meet a guy in three, six months who DIDN’T want to have sex. Yeah.... right. Guys who don’t want to have sex.... sure.

    I guess I need to really focus on self improvement. I think it was somewhere on this site I found the link to the art of manliness prison workout. Much nicer than the kettlebell workout I had planned. Minimal equipment. Basically I need a chin-up bar and off I go! My diet is already waaaaaay better. I went to college for culinary arts so I know my way around a kitchen. I’m not in any condition for a relationship. I’m a mess! Things are better, much better already, but I’m not the person I think I should be. Of course after perusing Grindr, holy crap! I might be a catch!

    so anyway, this is enough introspection for awhile. I’ll be shovelling snow. See you guys in a few days. Stay sober!
    Saville likes this.
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's great that you've changed your way of eating. I've lost 5 lbs since getting rid of dairy, wheat and sugar. No one has noticed yet, because I'm still fat as hell, but it has definitely motivated me to keep going. Also, as I've mentioned, now that I don't crave sugar I have less of a craving for P. Everything is tied into everything else. Happy shoveling! :D
  14. I have a little time before I head out so I wanted to post something on my mind. I’ve being reading a lot of forums about straight guys who suffer from HOCD or other porn induced sexual fetishes. Now that my manhood seems to be functioning again I’ve been thinking about who I would like to eventually couple with. And I’m not sure that I want to couple with a cis-gender gay man. I’ve never been with a transgender gay men (FTM) because I suffered from PIED and would have not been able to perform. But that seems to be changing and now the option of being with a trans guy is looking like a viable option. But I need to know if this is really my preference, or just a porn induced sexual fetish. I’ve had sex with women in my life, and it’s been ok. I’ve had sex with men in my life, and it’s been ok. But I know at the age of almost 52 I’m arriving a little late to the party but I’m almost convinced my primary attraction is to FTM transgender men. I’m confused by it. And I’m not planning on rushing out and trying it. Today I sent an email to a therapist who specialises in gay/queer/transgender issues to help me sort these things out. I’m very pro therapy. I’m not sure if he is even taking patients but I’ll wait to hear. Always proactive. Anyway I just had to get this thought out of my head and in print somewhere. So NOW I’m done posting for a few days LOL!

    Stay sober guys!
  15. my weight is just stuck! I have to get off my fat ass and exercise! Make myself presentable! While I’m at my sister’s there will be chips, ice cream, cookies, &tc &tc. I have to learn to say NO to all of it and watch her eat it, course after course! Of course she eats it all and is NOT fat! Bitch!
  16. Ok guys, I’m still at my sister’s, posting while she’s asleep. All is going quite well. Just wanted to check in and let you guys know that because I inherently DON’T KNOW what’s good for me or what the right things are to do I’ve reset my day counter once again and decided to commit to 90 days zero PMO. I don’t know whether I need it or not which is why I’m doing it! I’m just gonna clear my head. My meds are kicking in again, I’m looking for a new therapist, lots of new this and that in my life. I’m gonna do a lot of reading on new topics. Lots of new so I’m gonna take 90 days and do nothing. I feel fine. I haven’t looked at porn. I have NO URGE to look at porn. I’m just gonna do 90 because I think it’s the right thing to do. So that’s the clarity I got at my sister’s. Maybe it was the meat!
  17. A couple more things, or maybe one more thing LOL. I downloaded the apps Grindr and SCRUFF to look for a trans guy to “date”. I’m hoping to meet someone I can be honest with about my NoFap journey. Maybe some dinner, handholding, kissing, &tc. Without sex. Or even friendship and conversation. Just a discussion of my preferences! Most guys, most SANE guys aren’t meeting right now due to Covid-19 anyway! When I reset my counter I was going to delete them but I’m feeling isolated anyway, could use some people in my life, no offence guys, love the straight energy of this board but it’s nice to chat with my queer brothers too. I don’t feel out of control so my decision for no PMO is very solid so these apps won’t cause me to slip. Anyway, that’s where I’m at today, maybe I’ll check in before sleep. Thanks for listening!
  18. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    If you been with cis-females and cis-males my guess is that your attraction to FTM trans men is likely to be porn induced. But I'm no expert in such matters. Good call on getting some therapy to address this.

    I'd recommend checking out Joe Wicks (the Body Coach TV channel on YouTube). He has some full body workout routines that don't require any equipment at all.
  19. @forlorn Thank you so much for the YouTube suggestion, you just saved me money and aggravation! I’m doing 90 days of no PMO right now to decide where my head is at with trans-men. I set up profiles at Grindr and SCRUFF that were more honest about me doing nofap, and what I’m really looking for. Kind of a bold move but WTH! Maybe I’ll get a date out of it. It always seems like all anyone wants is to jump into bed, no matter how clear you are , no matter what you write or say, that want to meet you for sex immediately! But I have yet to lose faith in my tribe!

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