Vitriolic’s Rewiring Journal

I normally don’t post online but I’ve taken a crack at my porn addiction before, with therapy, with 12-step groups... all with no success. So I think it’s time for a new approach. I’m not really writing this journal to help others but to just have a place to organize my thoughts for this long journey and if I help someone, all the better. Actually I’m sure others will help me much more. The issue that finally led me here, sitting here writing this entry tonight is PIED. It wasn’t that many days ago I had a sexual encounter where I simply couldn’t perform and although I’m 51 I knew it wasn’t my age, it wasn’t meds, it was porn, extreme graphic porn use. So here I am. I am committing to Monk Mode/Brahmacharya or more specifically KRSNA Consciousness. Aside from committing to no PMO for the next three years, which is what it is going to take to rewire my brain, there will be two hours of meditation in the morning followed by spiritual reading, from the Srimad Bhagavatam, for anyone who may be interested in the specifics. Aside from this there are the four regulative principles....
1. Vegetarianism (no eggs, onions or garlic)
2. No Intoxication (no alcohol or caffeine) I can’t fully follow this one as I take highly sedating meds and need a pot of tea now and then to function.
3. No sex outside a heterosexual marriage for the purposes of procreation (I’m single so Brahmacharya for me)
4. No gambling (including the lottery, powerball, mega millions)

none of this feels burdensome. I feel relieved by these rules, like I’ve allowed myself to be freed from porn. Right now I’m in an intense flatline, and we are at the beginning. I’m sure the urges to act out will creep in at some point. But at the moment it’s dead. No spontaneous erections, no MW, no desire at all, no libido, nothing. As far as I’m concerned I hope it lasts long enough for me to get settled into a regimen of meditation and spiritual practice before I have to worry about combating sexual desire and lust.

so anyway, being 51, I’m not here to waste my time or anyone else’s, this is serious business to me. This is my one and only chance to resolve this problem. I’m taking the most hardline approach because I abused the most extreme forms of pornography. Morally and ethically I cannot view pornography anymore, knowing how it’s made, knowing the human rights abuses. If morally I can’t even eat meat anymore I certainly can’t support an industry abusing men women and yes, worst of all, children. I need to be done with porn.

so here I am. I know I will learn way more from you than you will from me so I am glad to be in the company of everyone of every age on this message board. I hope I am welcome. I plan to be here for a very long time. This seems like the most legit porn addiction message board I could find! And with that.... good night!

 

Welcome aboard!

 

welcome my brother. you're in the right place.

 

Thank you Mad Dog and badger for the welcome!

 

So, a new day, preparing to truly enter Monk Mode so I ordered my supplies...
1) purchased a japa mala so I can begin mantra meditation in the morning for two hours. Using the Hare Krsna mantra.

2) purchased kindle copies of Bhagavad Gita as it is and Srimad Bhagavatam first canto for my spiritual reading to be done after meditation.

3) purchased a book called Brahmacharya in Krsna Consciousness. This I would recommend for anyone of any background doing monk mode/Brahmacharya/semen retention. I really look forward to reading this book!

4) dropped a couple bills stocking up on vegan food stuffs at Amazon. I live in the armpit of NY so to be a vegan requires I do a lot of food shopping on Amazon. Also bought an awesome cookbook on kindle, Lord Krishna’s Cuisine! Highly recommended!

so aside for prepping to be fully in monk mode flat line persists! I’m cool with that!

now I need some sort of exercise regimen. I’m a hiker but the weather has been, well it’s been like winter weather in upstate NY! I just want to put on boots and go for a six mile hike to get some fresh air! I’m getting crazy from being locked inside my apartment!

so that’s today.... we press forward. And also, a friend online connected me with temples that have online services everyday from India on YouTube, there awesome! Very spiritually supportive for a total newb!

thanks for listening!
VB

 

Well, we continue with the austerity of Monk Mode. Today I purchased a Thai mattress floor mat. I’m giving up the comfort of my bed to take to the floor to sleep on a kapok filled mattress in my meditation room for the duration. I am also finishing up all my showers with ice cold water, I allow myself hot water to get squeaky clean but then douse myself with cold before I get out. I am also using Ayurveda to assist with my flatline and just my energy levels in general. I’m adding Shilajit and Ashwagandha to my dietary regimen to see if that boosts my energy, helps with my flat line, etc. The book I’m reading Brahmacharya in Krishna Consciousness has become my Monk Mode Bible! Again highly recommended. Also I should mention if anyone here is interested in semen retention Shilajit helps prevent nocturnal emissions. So other than that I have a very unimpressive seven days. Still putting my Monk Mode program together, settling into a routine. Still in an intense flatline. That’s all I have to report!

VB

 

.... and I just want to add that I’m also on my second week of not smoking (yay!!!!!). I’m also tapering of Klonopin which I used for anxiety, about a week to go, aside from giving up PMO. so I’m really trying to rebuild my life. My body and nervous system have had about enough of this assault and I am sleeping like crazy amounts. I need to sleep to recover from sleeping LOL! And as long as I’m here on what will be my eight day in a couple hours, still a big ol’ flatline!

VB

 

Awesome! I think that all addictions are interconnected, all adding to the stimulus we are looking for. I quit smoking a long time ago and that's a big relieve, I feel much more healthy now. Good luck man, it's probably going to get tough, keep your back straight!

 

If I may ask, why do you think that 12-step groups didn't work for you?

 

Well, I think there are a bunch of reasons 12 steps groups didn’t work. First who I found as a sponsor. Do you really want Joe the plumber (nothing against plumbers,every man in my family was a plumber) who didn’t graduate high school BUT worked the steps is now all of a sudden in charge of your life? At least in a place like this there is a multitude of voices and opinions to listen to so you just read until you find what works for you.

also there was steps 4&5, and the amends steps that follow that basically put me in a position where I would have had to gone to people that essentially abused me me most of my young adult life and tell them how sorry I was for the harm I caused them. The 12 steps just aren’t very empowering if you’re an abuse victim, you spend a large chunk of time begging to be forgiven by a long list of people when I was at a point in my life when I needed apologies from a long list of people myself.

then there is the simple fact that the 12 steps are Christianity light, and don’t let anybody tel you any different. The 12 steps for me are inseparable from Christianity and after four years of Drumpf I don’t ever want anything to do with Christianity again! At least with a support system like this I can feel free to choose any spirituality I choose, in my case something Eastern.

So yeah, they left a really bad taste in my mouth. I tried them several times. Really tried. I feel like I have a much better shot with something like NoFap.

hope this helps

VB

 

Sorry to hear about that. That must be heart-breaking. I can understand that you can end up with a sponsor that is not good for you. They are not professionals. I hope you will have more inspiration and support walking the path you're walking now.

 

thank you for the kind words and understanding. When people ask me about sex addiction now, I direct them to NoFap and similar places and recommend finding a good therapist. A good therapist is invaluable! And I do feel really confident this time surrounded by the people in this community and similar communities on Reddit and also having professional support.

 

So... I belong to a subreddit called OfflineDay and the premise is to go off line, no media at all, the first Friday of the month at sunset for twenty four hours, no internet, no television, no music. This will be my very first offline day this Friday, tomorrow. In 1995 I bought a computer with Windows 95 and got a dial-up connection and I’ve been “plugged in” ever since. So I’ve been pumping up my dopamine levels with stimulation for years and I’ve forgotten how to be bored. Or what just normal feels like. I’m also sure that after I got that computer one of the first things I did in ‘95 was search for pornographic images. So I think I need a break. Sunset tomorrow is at 5:20PM EST where I live and before that I’m gonna make a pot of vegan chilli, an apple cobbler and I’m gonna pick up some vanilla ice cream to go with that, and I’ve got a bunch of books to read and a friend sent me a puzzle! The last time I did a puzzle I was like 6 LOL! So once a month I’m going to try to re-learn how to be normal and get my dopamine levels to come back down. We’ll see how this goes, I’ll be sure to report back. Oh! I even put in a landline, $10 a month so people could reach me because my cell will be off. I think it’s worth it.

 

Well, my 24 hours of no internet was enlightening. I realised I have a serious internet addiction problem and that it is intimately linked to my sex addiction. I needed some time before I posted because I honestly didn’t know how much I wanted to share. So let’s just say that without internet for 24 hours I was subjected to the absolute worst sexual fantasies of my entire life! I don’t know where they came from or why that happened. I did not act out or even come close to acting out. In the midst of these horrible fantasies, in the mail during the day of my OfflineDay my japa mala arrived (Hindu meditation beads). It was like a miracle! So I practiced mantra meditation for two hours which is part of my Monk Mode regimen anyway, I’ve just been waiting on the beads. Spending two hours in meditation had the effect on my fantasies similar to those huge planes you see that dump huge loads of water on forest fires. It was a huge relief!

so, I’ve scheduled in three hours every day of no internet use so when next months OfflineDay comes I won’t freak out the way I did this month, this was just awful. Plus I didn’t plan for this months day, for next month I’m gonna teach myself chess. For futures days I’m getting cards and a book on solitaire and patience games. I’m gonna get a journal to write in. I planned nothing. I did get a lot of reading done however. But I need a greater variety of things to do to keep my mind stimulated.

so if you think sex is your only issue, try OfflineDay! Holy crap!

 

So let’s start with good stuff, cause it seems like I’ve hit a run of bad luck lately LOL! So I went to bed last night at around 9PM And woke at 3AM which is what I want and recited japa for two hours. I’ve really picked up my speed, which is also something you want. My goal is to go around the beads (108 beads) 16 times, so you’ve got to move pretty quick.

now for the weird stuff. My fingers were blanching, turning white then turning blue so of course I assumed death was imminent! I used google to diagnose myself with horrible illnesses that were all fatal. I’m now 99% sure I have something called Raynaud’s because if I make my house warm, wear socks and slippers and keep my slouchy beanie pulled over my ears, all my extremities stay nice and pink! So all this really means is no more cold showers! But I can’t have caffeine! No tea! And I LOVE tea. I love tea like I love porn! I’m really hooked on tea. So for Monk Mode I’ve traded one austerity for another... I get to take hot showers but I don’t get to have tea or coffee any more.

today in the mail my Thai floor mat and blanket arrive so another Monk Mode austerity begins... sleeping on the floor! Well, the hot showers every day evens everything out LMAO!

oh! And I’ve finally taken the plunge! Since you guys can’t see me you should know, I’m fat! In the warmer months I hike most days, I try to do at least six miles on the days I hike. But I’m fat! So I used to do lacto-ovo-vegetarian then l gave up the eggs THEN YESTERDAY I WEIGHED MYSELF! I’m totally vegan as of yesterday. That dairy is just killing me and besides I have guilt about where the dairy comes from so.... now I need to exercise.

anyway, as far as temptations to act out I guess I’m still in my flatline. Almost didn’t bother to mention it. Don’t see it ending anytime soon.

 

I forgot, this is better in a separate post anyway, I’m doing digital minimalism, since I realised how messed up my 24 hours without internet was. Deleted every unnecessary app. Turned on do not disturb on phone and tablet from 8PM to 8AM. Put my phone and tablet in grayscale. Stopped using Twitter, Facebook, Reddit but did keep Discord for now. Yeah... doing a lot of simplifying my digital life. If it ain’t necessary, it’s going. I’ve got this forum, I don’t need Reddit!

 

I gave up dairy, eggs and sugar not long ago and the benefits have been so far been good. I never thought I could go dairy-free, and I have no qualms about where it comes from, but I actually don't really miss it.

Sounds like you're on the right track.

 

what fascinates me @Saville is that all these pieces seem to be connected. Sex is the worst of course, but food, internet behavior, shopping behavior, pretty much anything you can get addicted too I seem to have an unhealthy relationship with. And once you start to tinker with piece “x” you have to deal with them all or you just end up addiction switching! I’m glad to hear you had success with food! I’m already thinking moderation (one pot of tea a day) rather than abstinence may be a better start, as I slept unconscious in my easy chair for a couple hours due to lack of caffeine LOL! We have to live in the real world after all. But thanks, and if I only had one pot of tea a day, that would pretty much put an end to my relationship with sugar too as I don’t consume sugar anywhere else.

 

So, as the day comes to a close, the supplements came in the mail today! I’m going to see if I can counteract some of the effects of my flatline with supplements..... I’m using a combination of Shilajit and Ashwagandha to improve my overall... well, manliness! They should boost my testosterone but they have other positive effects as well. I hate to be vulgar but I’m trying to wake up my penis. So let’s give it a few months, supplements aren’t like pharmaceuticals, they take time. I’ll keep you guys informed.

 

Today is anxiety, and tension and worry and things I can’t control and mistakes I can’t undo. So all I can do is sit with all this discomfort. I did not nor will I not PMO! That’s not even an option today. No addictions are getting fed today. I’m just going to sit and feel uncomfortable.