Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea - DAY 81

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by tbattle, Apr 20, 2012.

  1. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    This is the story of my pretty lackluster reboot process so far.

    I'm 27 and I've been looking at pornography since I was about 13. Not sure exactly when I developed Porn-induced ED, but I definitely have it.... to the point where I have trouble achieving an erection while watching pornography.

    I feel like I've made huge progress, but I haven't been able to go the 120 days straight like a lot of people have mentioned... so here's how my process has worked.

    I've been doing my reboot process for about four months now. First three weeks I went without porn, but orgasmed a few times with a partner. The next 4-5 weeks I would usually go 1-1/2 weeks then test myself, which led to me MOing 3-4 times total in the span of that 4-5 weeks. (think I used erotic type material 2 of the times I Med)

    Then I managed to go 4-5 weeks straight with PMO, but about 4 weeks in I had a wet dream, then another wet dream like 4 days after the first. That set me off to M and O about 3 times in a 2 1/2 week time frame. Think I used erotic type material once.

    Now I'm back on 2 1/2 weeks of no PMO and just had a wet dream last wed.... anyways, I wanted to test myself today(always a bad idea I know, but the anxiety over me ED is easily the toughest part of this process) And briefly watched some porn for about 15-20 seconds to see if I could get hard to it. When I realized I couldn't and actually felt like I might be approaching orgasm without being erect I stopped.(first time I've actually watched a porn video in about 3 months I would say)

    However, there have been great signs of progress.... wet dreams being one of them. I get erect at night/morning very regularly.... and I can lightly stroke myself to a very firm erection in the early morning hours...(usually 1200 to 7ish in the morning) However, I don't really try during other parts of the day, but I would guess I would probably have some difficulty.

    I'm going to start my actual progress from about 9 weeks ago... I've masturbated three times since then. So three relapses. I refuse to start the count over. I'm not going to do that to myself.

    DAY 61 - Three relapses that didn't lead to binging.

    I need some support though and I don't know where else to look.

    This really fucking blows. I hate this so much.
     
  2. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea

    Insomnia? How many people get it. how do ya'll deal with it?
     
  3. itsallforher

    itsallforher New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea

    I had it really bad during my first attempt at a reboot and then during my relapse. Since I've started again I haven't had any yet. I usually just watch some shows or read a book until I doze off.
     
  4. darkknight3313

    darkknight3313 New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea

    For myself I'm letting it all go and trusting the process. No testing unless I am with a woman. Even then I have put off dating for the first month. I feel like if I only expose myself to a real live naked woman that isn't a pro, only then will I get the results I want. Tricking my brain into thinking porn is only secondary won't work for me IMO. Right now I'm about 14 days straight of flatlining so no point in even trying to push it with a girl until I feel this period is waning.

    I would urge you to stop pmo altogether. No edging either. Will slow process I'm sure.
     
  5. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea

    Hey tbattle,

    great progress so far, you've made the most important step - admitted that PMO is no good and started trying to get rid of the addiction. You relapsed but oh well, we all do mistakes, right? The most important thing is to learn from a mistake to make it not a bad thing but a lesson for the future.

    Personally, everytime I would "test" myself with P i would relapse the same or the next day.. I suggest using K9 to block the P sites and the urge to "test" yourself whether you're still addicted or not.

    Keep it up, good luck!
     
  6. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea

    "I would urge you to stop pmo altogether. No edging either. Will slow process I'm sure."

    I'm definitely on board with this. I've just had moments of weakness... emotional instability. Interesting that the problem leads to emotional instability and emotional instability leads to the problem.

    However, every time I mess up, I reaffirm my commitment..... three weeks since my last relapse.(I guess you could consider the test a relapse... I'm not going to though... call it psychological.... I guess my argument would be we're only human) Either way, not going to happen again! And I did finally decide to put up K9 on my computer. Should've done this from the start.
     
  7. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea

    DAY 67 - Three relapses that didn't lead to binging.

    Had a few promising signs recently... mainly Monday. Woke up with very strong morning wood.... pretty much all day felt my libido was very strong. When I laid down to go to bed that night, I could have very soft fantasies about my GF(us softly kissing and caressing each other) and get hard very easily. Horniness seemed to fade after a couple of days.... usually have a wet dream when stuff like that starts to happen so I thought I was in the clear.

    I was wrong. Had one last night... didn't initially realize it. The thing is... I could get hard VERY easy just after the wet dream.... but this morning... it seemed to slowly fade and I lost control of my erection.

    Lesson learned - I guess I just can't avoid having wet dreams, even though to a certain degree I believe they are slowing me down... can't really evaluate how much they are slowing me down, but I do feel that they are. I always thought a wet dream would be a sign that I am "fully" healed, but I don't think that I am, so scratch that theory.... still can't get easily hard by lightly stroking myself whenever I want... seems to me like that would be the right sign that I am fully healed.

    Everytime this happens, it feels like my mind has taken advantage of my body... how fucked up is that? If I was a coke addict, I think the equivalent would be like going to buy some crack while you were sleep walking and forcing it down your own throat. Fucking retarded. If I thought I was fully healed it wouldn't be a big deal, but I really don't think that I am.

    Anyways, nothing to do but to keep trucking... at least there have been some good signs.
     
  8. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea - DAY 73

    DAY 73 - Three relapses that didn't lead to binging

    Had another wet dream last night. Think that makes two in less than a week... I'm not going to lie, they leave me a little off balance. The last time I had two wet dreams so close together it caused me to relapse two or three times over the course of 2 1/2 weeks. They caused a huge panic attack... they were my first in quite a few years and kind of blind sided me. I had been expecting not to have a wet dream until I was fully cured, but I'm not full cured... at least I don't think I am.

    I'm at a point where I think I can definitely have sex, but I feel my sexual attempts would have to be during a certain time of the day. For example, I don't think I could spontaneously walk up to a hypothetical girl friend and start something and be confidant that my erection would be there when I need it. However, if it was late at night/early in the morning and things escalated slowly I feel much more confidant that my erection strength would be there.

    Of course I haven't had a chance to test that for four months, so who knows maybe I'm wrong. I can get very very hard erections at times in the late night and early mornings, and obviously I am having wet dreams, but during the day, very little seems to be happening. I don't get hard when I see a beautiful woman walk by... as a matter of fact, I don't really have any reaction at all... but then again, I don't really ever recall getting super-hard when a beautiful woman walked by, even when I was very young. Though there was a time when I got spontaneous erections when I was a teenager.... just don't think the mere presence of a beautiful woman ever caused it..... of course I've also been watching porn since I hit puberty.(albeit at a much reduced pace than what it escalated to when I got the internet later in life)

    Frankly, I'm more confused by the wet dreams than anything... if I'm having wet dreams with this kind of frequency... how can my brain really be that desensitized? I have no doubt that porn has played a role in my ED in the past... but now I'm questioning to what extent. How much of my inability to masturbate(wihtout porn) to erection whenever I want is still from a desensitized brain and how much of it is psychological and me worrying about my erection strength? Or is maybe my brain pretty much cured, but I need to re-wire to the real thing... could that by why I don't get spontaneous erections to attractive women, but I seem to be function normally during the night time?

    I don't think these wet-dreams have really set me back that much... still had strong morning wood this morning, but I'm not gonna lie, I felt like crap after having woken up from the wet dream. Don't remember it at all, but I had a not-quite-headache fuzzy feeling in my head and body felt weird... kind of like an odd hangover. That doesn't really seem normal... it makes me wonder if a wet dream is a natural thing, why do I feel like that way when I wake up from it.... it's not exactly a painful feeling, but it definitely isn't pleasant either. Is it normal for you to feel like that when waking up from a wet dream, and if it isn't, why do I feel like that?

    So many unanswered questions.

    Well, can't dwell on it... really wish there was more medical research on this.... a little bit more certainty and confidence in the diagnoses would be nice. A clearly defined process would be pretty cool as well. Hope society wakes up soon and starts taking a closer look at this.
     
  9. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea - DAY 75

    DAY 75 -Three Relapses that didn't lead to binging

    Insomnia again... is there anything worse than have to laying around in the very early morning with just you and the uncertainty? Definitely the hardest part for me. Need to fix this sleep issue.
     
  10. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea - DAY 77

    DAY 77 - Three relapses that didn't lead to binging.

    Nothing much to report, feeling a little better with some distance from the last wet dream. Libido has been pretty dead.... pushing forward.
     
  11. pjokay

    pjokay New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea - DAY 77

    Hi tbattle

    I am suffering sever insomnia. Started when I cut most of the porn out before I knew about your brain on porn. Because I was with a girl at the time I think it stopped me clearing out my system. Its now 4 weeks since I started complete abstinance and I generally wake from 4am. Use to need so much sleep. I think this means our brains are not yet use to not having the suges of high dopamine and prob best to not m in the meantime to get our brains use to it faster. Not sleaping is a bitch.
     
  12. hotspur

    hotspur New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea - DAY 77

    Sounds rough. I have been sleeping better since abstinence and in general lower internet use. One of the things I noticed most in the first week or so was that I started dreaming again. Are you getting enough exercise in the day? Not working on internet too late? I would not put down the lack of sleep to your reboot. Good luck.
     
  13. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    Re: Using a journal to channel some energy may be a good idea - DAY 77

    I exercise very large amounts. Probably 5-6 miles a today or a cardio exercise of similar intensity. However, my job does require me to be on a computer pretty much the entire time I'm there.
     
  14. tbattle

    tbattle New Member

    DAY 81 - Three relapses that didn't lead to binging

    Just a quick update I guess. Insomnia has seemed to improve somewhat. Sleeping about five hours a night, but it's definitely a lot better than not sleeping at all which was what it had been.

    Also had another wet dream... or I suppose it could've been a nocturnal emission... are they the same thing? Anyways, this one didn't seem to come with a hang over, for which I am very grateful. Didn't even seem to wake up after it... don't remember it at all. The only reason I could tell that I had one was because I could see where the wet spot on my boxers had dried up. I take this as progress... having a hangover after a wet dream just isn't natural. Having this dream without the effects on my mind is much nicer.... maybe the fact that I didn't remember it helping. Maybe it means my brain is starting to heal.

    Once a week seems like too much though... maybe I just produce semen really fast, but I'm 27.... I'm not that young. My body needs to learn to hold it for a little while. Speaking of, I'm starting to think wet dreams are more governed by how much semen we have built up(and maybe testosterone levels?) as opposed to dopamine receptors. Would explain why maybe people can still have wet dreams and not be healed?

    I've definitely figured out how to tell when I'm about to have one though. I start to get horny... kind of feels like I'm close to coming, but I don't have any erection. I think that's my body telling me I need to release some semen.... this would be great if it was actually accompanied with an erection, but it's a little unnerving to feel that way and be limp.

    Haven't had a lot of morning wood lately, but I think that has more to do with my sleeping issues than my recovery. Had really strong morning wood this morning though. 100% and lasted for 4-5 minutes before it finally went down.... it was a nice road sign I guess. Anyways, that's about it... keep on chuggin' right? Hope this clears up sooner rather than later. Still no spontaneous erections really though... I've had a few during this process but not many. Honestly, it's kind of tough for me to even remember what it feels like to fantasize sexually I've been pushing the thoughts away so much. Wouldn't mind a few spontaneous erections though... good for the confidence.
     
  15. Ey buddy any update from you? I'm pretty much in the same situation as you
     

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