Hello, I am 27 years old and trying to quit P (hardmode). After spending months on this great forum, and listening to YBR Radio, I decided to post an urge journal. My background on P: I've been PMOing to various material since my early teens (13 - 14). I started noticing negative consequences in my early 20s, and suffered from PIED and DE with a real partner. Since discovering these symptoms, I avoided intimate relationships with real women for 5-6 years. Recently, I've been dating a wonderful woman; and she's been a strong catalyst for why I want to reboot, rewire, recover. I started my reboot journey on March 8th, 2016 (after an intense and hollow P binge). I went 27 days before a single PMO relapse (no binge afterwards). Then another 8 days before a single PMO relapse (no binge afterwards). I am currently on a 14 day no PMO/MO. Main/Strong urges: PMOing to webcam sites / chat rooms PMOing to images of women Edging/Peeking at webcam models Weaker urges: Old P scenes Peeking at P sites MOing to fantasy 4/25: Today, I woke up with an urge to peek at webcam models. This urge has been going on and off for the last couple days. Every time I get this urge, I have to remind myself of two key tools: 1. This horny/ lonely / bored feeling will pass 2. This is my brain/dopamine trying to find reasons to peek My urge has intensified knowing that I have the next two days off from work. Even though I am happy that I have a longer weekend, my brain is already sending the message "you know what will make the next days really awesome? Some hot webcam interaction with REAL women on the other end!" I know this voice very well. I am currently subsiding this urge with activities (getting coffee, writing this journal, and about to get a haircut and workout). Urge Status: Subsided/delayed - Deezy PS. I'll be posting all/most of my strong urges, and my status on how I dealt with them.
4/26/2016 Main/Strong Urge: PMOing to a specific webcam model Peeking and PMOing for a new "perfect" webcam model I had a smooth night - hung out with the girlfriend (dinner, good conversation, walking around, a little kissing, no sex or O) and went to bed early before any real night-time urges appeared. I just woke up, and I am really horny. I am starting to recognize the cues: closed drapes, roommates leaving the house and slamming the front door, knowing that I have a work-free day ahead of me, and then my brain's automatic switch to webcam fantasy. Today I indulged that fantasy by thinking about it a little longer than I wanted to. I mildly touched myself, but nothing that constitutes as wanking or fapping. My erections are good, and they quickly calm down when I think of other non-sexual things. I've been listening to Gary Wilson's radio show (highly recommend it for anyone who hasn't heard to his show), and picked up some pretty useful techniques and philosophies to mitigate urges. I don't remember the names of his guests - so I'll just credit his show (http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-cybersex-jungle-radio-show). The first technique is thinking of other non-sexual things. As I begin to fantasize about that webcam model, I try my best to think about an interjecting thought or feeling. As the webcam model in my fantasy is talking to me (or whatever I am having her do), I quickly think about the sensation of the pillow on my cheek. It's soft. I think about how soft it is. I think about softness. I think about objects that are soft...I think of processed cotton. I think about cotton fields and then I think slavery. How awful was slavery? How crazy is American history... Sooner or later, I realize that I am not fantasizing about the webcam model. Unfortunately, I start fantasizing again but usually it is not as strong. And I can use that technique again and again, until I completely remove myself from a potential relapse (aka away from my computer). The second technique/philosophy is understanding what my urge really wants. Today I really want to find a new, exciting webcam model who only exists in my fantasy. I emphasize "find" because my urge wants to peek. The actual reward would be to PMO to that new model, but the real pleasure would be searching for that model and ultimately finding her. If I give in to this urge the following will happen: spike my dopamine levels for novelty, search and search for minutes/hours, settle for an old or comparable model (to my fantasy model), PMO, and then feel terribly unsatisfied. I am still really horny; I am finding this really difficult. I need coffee. I plan to go to the sauna at my gym. I am going to cook and eat good food today. Urge Status: Subsided, but still there. - Deezy
4/28/2016 Main/Strong Urges: MOing to fantasy Peeking and Phoning (yes, I used to love to talk to the model too) and PMOing to webcam model Searching Youtube and/or "vanilla" sites for hot girls For the last few days, I've been able to process my urges. As most no-fap experts have suggested, I have been finding meditation as a great tool in order to handle a PMO urge and not go through with it. Meditation allows me to sit with the bad feelings. Instead of taking a high dopamine/super-stimulate action like PMO, I am able to just sit still. Of course this is way more boring than a PMO session. BUT it's absolutely necessary. The cool thing about meditation is that I am currently applying it to all areas of my life, not just sex and P. I know that people suggest: take a walk, read a book, move your laptop to a different area (Gabe Deem!), go to the gym and exercise, hangout with friends, make new relationships, go to work, stay away from your computer and familiar triggering places, and on and on. Yes, I can do all those things. Yes, they are essential to a reboot and rewiring. But, eventually, I will be sitting by myself in my room. I will have urges. What can I do? Sit. Think. Process. Decide to NOT do it. I've been having a pretty good week - nothing seems out of balanced in terms of stress or emotions. I think my current balanced state is the main reason why urges haven't been as strong. This morning I fantasied about models, but I was able to let those thoughts pass. I discovered a new tool in order to stop an urge: Make the process of PMO harder than what it seems to be (like a chore). 1. WOW, I have an webcam urge. 2. Okay, I have to go to my computer and type in the website 3. Now, I have search for that model/scene 4. I have to search and search until I find the perfect one...(takes hours or some times a few peeking sessions within a day) 5. Okay, now that I have found someone that I'll settle with...I have to click on their page and hope they're online 6. Now I have to search for tissue. 7. I have to pay in order to chat with them. 8. Oh man, now I have to ask them if they do phone services 9. Now, I have to receive a call, webcam chat, and eventually I have to masturbate. 10. Then, hopefully, the experience is pleasurable and not weird. 11. Great, it's over. 12. Great, I have to say these awkward goodbyes. Or I don't have to say anything and shut off my webcam like a scumbag. 13. Great, now I feel like a scumbag and I have to process those awful emotions 13. GREAT, I have to clean up. When I think of PMOing as a chore, I rather not do it. Plus, I know that it's one of the causes of my current and possible future dysfunctions. Urge Status: Subsided. Calm. - Deezy
5/2/2016 Main / Strong Urge: MO to fantasy of real women and/or webcam model Weak Urges: Peeking and PMO to webcam model First of all, I want to say that today is day 21 of no PMO/MO. My short term goal is 30 days (longer goal is 90, and life goal is a healthy sex life with zero PMO), so I am confident that I won't relapse within the next ten days. Reading and posting on this forum has definitely helped with the urges. Okay, this week has been difficult and conflicting. I live in a city where there are so many attractive women. Whoever said that real life women don't compare to porn-stars, has never lived in _________ where I'm from. Within the last couple days, I've seen as many attractive women in real life than I would on a tube/webcam site. Except I'm used to indulging and masturbating whenever I find the girl on a website. Clearly, I cannot do that in real life. I'm abstaining from MO because it's so closely linked to PMO. But, recently, I really want to MO to a thought of one of the real women that I saw. Or, at least, I want to fantasize about these real women. The big issue: I don't know if this is good for rewiring. I am sexually frustrated. Even though I have a nice girlfriend, we don't have a very active sex life. We kiss and touch (great for rewiring I hope!). At one point we were doing sexual things to each other, but she has never tried anything unless I communicated to her what I wanted. I am finding her less sexually attractive, which really breaks my heart. I think I am entering a flat-line with her. Yet, all these other women in my city, I can only gawk. My brain is so wired to novelty, to non-personal sexual attraction, that it's ruining my perception of a real partner. It's ruin my perception of other women whom I ogle and want to fuck (even though, right now, I can't!). Last night I was with my girlfriend, and I had a good time. But I just wasn't sexually excited. This feeling used to bring me to a relapse, but I know that PMO is one of the main reasons why I can't feel normal. The great news: my urge for p or webcam isn't as strong today. Urge Status: Frustrating as hell but avoidable. - Deezy
5/4/2016 Main Urge: Peek and PMO to "vanilla" pictures of hot girls PMO to webcam These past few days have been good. My meditation process is coming along nicely, and I am able to defuse urges. I've been having good rewiring moments with friends, family, and girlfriend (the rewire is more of social, than sexual). I have entered a flatline, as I don't have any or weak erections, and my libido is low for my girlfriend. Even though I am nervous about this flatline, I do think it's a good sign that my brain is recovering. I think I've done so much research on rebooting that symptoms are welcomed (but I still fear them). I learned a good lesson today: Facebook can lead to activating P pathways and potential full blown relapse. I was scrolling through FB, and was suddenly hit with a picture of a hot woman (huffington post ads, argh!). I know that accidental incidents do not affect the reboot - rather it's the active searching that causes damage. BUT I clicked on a link that had a very hot girl (it's the body type that I lust for). I had a mild dopamine hit as I clicked through the pictures (most of the pictures were not of hot girls but other things - cute dogs for example). I could feel that rush again. It was scary. I wouldn't necessary count as a relapse as I didn't PMO to the pictures nor did I look for too long (a couple minutes). However, activating those pathways was still damaging (that's why peeking and edging is, to me, super close to PMO). Urge Status: Close call to a full-blown peek session. - Deezy
5/10/2016 Main Urge (though not strong): PMO to Webcam models MOing to fantasy and/or touch alone Well, today is day 29 of no PMO/MO. My balls feel a little heavy, but nothing too serious. I wanted to write a post on the 11th - marking my first 30 day milestone of nofap hardmode. But I'm going through a bit of anxiety right now, and I thought it'd be good to write something. My anxiety isn't necessary nofap related. I'm thinking of a getting new job, advancing my creative endeavors, improving my relationships (friendships and girlfriend). These are all healthy worries, but worries nonetheless. What do worries and bad feelings lead to? Urges and then PMO. Today I was looking for a new job. As I read the description of potential jobs, I started getting a bit of anxiety. This lead to some thoughts of escapism: webcam models, fantasy girls, etc. I noticed that whenever I'm anxious or bored, I want to escape. Fortunately I am still motivated to no fap - and my goals (healthy sex life, no DE or ED, positive outlook on myself and women) are still priorities. The urges are more dull, and I can definitely reason with myself to not indulge. I hope my willpower stays strong. Recently, when I'm bored in my bedroom, I touch myself. I can get hard to touch alone, which is a great sign. I never really MO'd or edged. But I should be weary of this action. My girlfriend and I are doing fine; we are still working through our sexuality - a lot of kissing and touching. I haven't tried to penetrate her yet. Sometimes I feel like I could, but I don't know how long I will last (DE until going limp). I believe that losing your erection during sex is one of THE WORST feelings in the world. Every time that happens, my anxiety spikes. I HAVE to get over that feeling of failure. I think after a few more weeks or months of nofap hardmode, I'll have the confidence to at least try with my girlfriend. I want her to have the confidence for pleasurable sex. She's been great and supportive; I always keep that in mind. - Deezy
5/13/2016 Main Urge: Just about everything! 32 days into nofap hardmode. This morning and afternoon I was hit with a ton of urges. I've been feeling really anxious and depressed about work and sex (or lack of sex). I haven't seen my girlfriend in a few days, although we talk a bit on the phone. My sex drive is all out of wack. I am interested in other girls, but I am objectifying them (this is one of my main goals - to not objectify). I know that when I start fantasizing about PMO, webcams, etc that I start feeling excited. I've been surfing facebook and youtube too much - running into triggering imagery. I have NOT peeked at webcam or P. I am noticing that I fantasize about real girls lately. This is another good sign that my brain is slowly changing. I noticed that whenever I receive "bad" news, my initial feeling is to bury the uncomfortable feeling with a good PMO session. I really can't tell if I'm ready for sex. It's something that I just have to try - my girlfriend doesn't really sexually excite me the same way P or webcam or even a new, real life girl does. I could never tell her that, as it would break her heart. Am I in a flatline? Sometimes I wake up with morning wood. Sometimes I don't. I can hear my brain reasoning that a nice webcam PMO session would be awesome (just what the doctor ordered!). It's telling me that my body needs to regulate and release sperm. Sure, I can MO. But the webcam would be sooooo much better. I have to remember why I am doing this in the first place. The last time I relapsed, to webcam, I felt truly awful. Urge Status: I am not giving in tonight. My streak is too goddamned good. But FUCK I really want to. - Deezy
Main/Strong Urge: PMO to a p-star/model PMO to webcam model MO to touch or fantasy I don't feel like writing all the specifics of my last few days (they've been interesting and good). I'm very proud that I made it over a month. I have learned so much about myself, about regaining and rewiring my sexuality. Currently, I am having a nagging urge to PMO. My brain is telling me that it's ok to relapse. But I want to kick this damned thing. I got a full day of things to do. None of them seem as appetizing as a PMO session. I just got to fight through today. Urge Status: Super nagging. But I can abstain. - Deezy
5/20/2013 Checking in. I felt like writing even though my urges and thoughts are a under control. I still have the same urges, but I noticed that they are constantly changing. I would have an incredible urge to MO or PMO to a particular model or fantasy; then, after some time, the urge and the "attractiveness" of the model would go away. For fantasy, I indulge when it's a real girl. When I say "indulge" I don't mean edging or MOing. I just think about them more. Fantasizing about real women definitely helps the rewiring process, for me, because it's getting me horny/ready for a real partner. There's a lot of kissing and slow grinding in those fantasies. I try to fantasy about my girlfriend when I'm not with her. But that has proven to be difficult. My brain is wired to novelty. It's constantly shifting from woman to woman (model to real girl to fantasy model to real girl to model etc.) I don't want to say a relapse is coming soon - but I am significantly hornier each day. My anxiety over various things doesn't help either. On the plus side, my morning wood is awesome. My appetite for real women is awesome. My relationship with the girlfriend has reached interesting places. We have not had sex yet. But we are very emotionally exploring each other. We still kiss and touch - nothing that really ignites my erection. I could try karezza (sex without orgasm). I'm on 39 days without PMO or MO. Geez. - Deezy
5/21/2016 Main/ Very strong urge: PMO to old p-star pictures PMO to webcam MO to fantasy Wow! This morning the urges are coming in hot. I've been thinking about a particular p-model (not webcam), and some old soft-core scenes she had. My brain is telling me to go ahead and watch those old videos. It's also nagging me to check out webcam sites and see who is "new". A couple days ago a friend of mine unintentionally showed me a picture of a p-star he really liked. Even though the p-star did not attract me, the action of looking of the photo was enticing. I really wanted to peek more. But I did not. It's day 40, and I am really battling the natural sexual energy in the morning. It's quiet in my home, and normally I would PMO, but I can't. Luckily I have a eventful day planned. My week is going really amazing. Everything seems to be on point, except any sexual release. This is something that I am really craving. Urge Status: In flux. I won't do it. - Deezy
5/24/2016 Main Urge: MOing to touch and fantasy of a real person PMO to webcam I almost relapsed to MO. Got some lotion, some tissue, and started a bit. But I stopped before any real edging occured. Since I am on hardmode, I'm trying my best to avoid MO too. Yesterday I met a really hot girl; and my fantasy of her is pretty vanilla (she's clothed). My brain is finding so many reasons to just do it. I still have an urge to PMO to cam. But because it's involving artificial stimulation, I can reason to not do it. I have only MO a couple times in my life. A sucessful MO session to touch or fantasy to a real woman might be a little victory in my journey. But, I believe that hardmode might be the best way to recovery. And I want to have real sex soon. My desire for my girlfriend has been returning! When I touch and kiss her, I FEEL so much affection for her. She's really cute. I know I have been complaining that I'm not attracted to her, but I think those were phases of flatline / low dopamine. Anyway, not all is bad news. Urge Status: Almost went through with an MO. But did not. - Deezy
5/24/2016 Relapsed to MO to touch/fantasy. The session was mostly touch and the fantasy was very, very minimal. I'm disappointed in myself but not as bad as if it was PMO. 44 days has been my longest streak on hardmode. I continue on. - Deezy
5/26/2016 No strong urges A couple days have passed after my MO session. I have not PMO or MO since. I am continuing this journey without P. I have some positive thoughts and a new discovery since MOing to touch and minimal fantasy (it was very vanilla too). This feeling IS the feeling that I am trying to go for during real sex. Since a lot of real sex IS about touch, I think my brain is so wired to voyeurism and visuals that it is hard for me maintain an erection when a real person (or myself) is touching me. Since orgasm to touch, I have a new outlook on abstaining from sex and rewiring. From my past, which was heavy PMO use everyday (or almost everyday to different videos), I think my brain, penis, and nerves could never regain a normal sexual appetite. I was always filling myself with P and masturbation. But after abstaining for a while, my brain and penis became a lot more sensitive. This doesn't mean I'll be MOing more. I'm still trying to go 90+ days on hardmode. BUT after MOing to touch, I'm not worried about never ejaculating ever again. I'm not worried about the inability to ejaculate without P or P-Fantasy. I know that stimulation and O with touch (and no or little fantasy) is possible. Which means real sex and O is possible. And update for today: the only red flag was I peeked at a facebook post ad and saw a bikini pic, which turned me on mildly. I think my biggest weakness and urge is peeking. As long as I work on not looking, and especially not engaging in PMO, I will recover. - Deezy
Main Urge: Saw this AD with a old p-star; want to PMO Damn got hit unexpectedly with this really hot ad! My dopamine levels are on the rise! I avoided it because I was at a cafe, but I've been searching for that image on the AD site (trying not to actively search the p-star). I'm on my out of the house - so I can avoid it. Lessons re-learned: AVOID FACEBOOK AND ADs! Urge Status: WILL NOT go through with PMO to that picture. MUST NOT peek! - Deezy
I've been spending a couple weeks off the forum. Just wanted to say I relapsed to webcam on May 28th. I was a little drunk and curious. After PMO, I felt incredibly guilty and terrible. But I had to tell myself that "I love you" to myself. Being graceful after a relapse is really helpful. I did not binge afterwards and have been back on the NoFap for the last 15 days. Today, right now, I am having an urge. But I decided to write a little here, which is helping. Much love, everyone - Deezy
Main Urge: Peeking! Haven't posted in a while. I've been busy since my last PMO relapse. Happy to say that I haven't engaged in any PMO since. I have urges to peek...like right now. I'm a little drunk because I just got home from hanging with friends. I don't plan to PMO, but I am super curious to peek at a webcam model (which, if she's on, will lead to PMO). Can't peek. Writing here to gather my thoughts. I've learned a lot. Relapse is a part of the process, as long as I stay conscious of my actions and NOT binge. Sustain streaks as long as I can: and live! A relapse happens when my judgement is off; like, right now, when I'm feeling drunk and on impulse mode. I don't know much about the benefits of NOFAP Hardmode; but I can attest to a feeling of cleaniness, of ZERO guilt. I still maintain my relationship with my gf. We still haven't had sex. But, I love her. And I think about her whenever I have an urge. Goodnight! I think I saved myself from an urge/relapse tonight
Felt like writing: No real urges other than FB AD peeking which will trigger me to peek at more hardcore stuff. I've been fantasizing about real girls, webcam, p-stars a little, but nothing too crazy. I do my best to put those thoughts aside and let them pass. I've been sustaining another 30+ day streak (33 I think of p-free). Feeling great, and hoping to break my longest 44 day streak. I found it easier to just live life and stay away from the forums and P. I do check YBOP website everyday for motivation and reminders. Biggest piece of advice that I saw somewhere: IF YOU DON'T PEEK, YOU WON'T RELAPSE. That little, simple reminder has been really helpful. - Deezy
This post is dedicated to strengthen my self-vow of nofap (SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION): I'm clearly not recovered as I tried to have sex this weekend, and ultimately failed (in terms of DE). I was rock hard during intimate touching/kissing/spooning/even as she was touching my erection. It's a good sign that I don't have extreme PIED. However, I do suffer from DE or PIDE. It really sucks when she touches my erection and I can't seem to fully "feel" and enjoy it. I was unable to O and lost my erection (it comes back when we start to hug and kiss). I hope that this feeling comes in the future. Usually, when I fail like this, I feel super bad and uncomfortable. But, even though I feel that way, I have to remind myself that this will be a long journey. The worst, WORST thing I can do is PMO. And since I read up about MO and DGS (Deathgrip), I realized that this is counter-productive too. I haven't PMO since May. And, after what happened over the last few days, I considered it a POSITIVE FAILURE. I'm still rebooting and rewiring. I will keep going forth, not PMO or MO, and live life! - Deezy
Thanks LilJ! Checking in again. Today marks 51 days of pornfree / no fap. I haven't relapsed to P/Webcam since May 28th. I'm trying my best to get to 90 (realistic goal is 60). It's been easier to stay off the urges when my day is full of things to do. I find that I fantasize quite a bit about women (real and fake), and sometimes put them in a webcam fantasy. I don't MO to fantasy; I just let the thought come and pass. Almost had a wet dream (I could FEEL in the dream) but when I checked my boxers they were dry. My erections are pretty good, and I don't think I have a PIED problem anymore. I'm really focused on my DE, and more concerned about regaining my sensitivity back. I can MO to touch, which I think is a good sign. As far as my girlfriend goes, we have never been stronger as a couple. We, however, remain in a kissing/touching mode. Sex right now seems like a scary leap for both of us. I manage an erection when we cuddle and things of that nature. I have to assure myself that those are victories / that my brain isn't THAT damaged and I am recovering. It sucks when she's trying to give me a handjob, and I can't full feel anything. But, I cannot beat myself up. I'm nervous to have sex because of the condom. My erections don't fair well with condoms. I've recently tried putting one on myself, and I did. It was cool. But for performance and sensitivity, that's still unknown territory. A relapse really doesn't set you too far back, mates. After my last relapse, this has been my longest streak. - Deezy
