Unlike Many Stories............

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Confused, Sep 24, 2012.

  1. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Unlike many stories, let me focus more on the last 5 to 8 years because they are the most critical to me and because I might be the oldest member here (pretty sure I am). I turned 60 this year. I am married to a wonderful woman and have 6 great kids.

    Just for some early background: Like many, I did start in my teens with masturbating for hours with Playboy and then to Hustler and others. In my 20s I was drawn to adult movie theaters and got my porn fix there. This continued for a couple of years, where I discovered adult bookstores with porn and then gay porn. With more and more of this, I experimented and dabbled in man to man sex. I never considered myself gay, but in my late 20s before I meet my wife, I did have a relationship with a co-worker, which didn’t last and didn’t satisfy me…..just confused me. In my early 30s, I feel in love and got married………..and for 20+ years had a wonderful life with my wife and kids.

    Fast forward to my early 50s and I discovered on line chats and on line porn. Not sure what was the attraction to the porn (and gay porn again) except for maybe curiosity, maybe boredom or maybe a mid-life crisis (which are all poor excuses) :-[. Along with this, I rediscovered the adult bookstores and again started anonymous m2m sex again. It escalated with cruising to gay sites and hooking up…..now with all this, I’m thinking I’m bisexual. Somewhere into this, I had started relationship that took on a weekly fuck buddy routine (unprotected sex). This went on for 5 years………..and during this time I did continue with heavy porn use and the bookstore. During this time did develop ED, which my doctor diagnosed as low testerone and prescribed Viagra….so I continued with the situation……not being happy or satisfied but sort of being a day to day “fog”…..just sort of wanting to get caught……….no regard for my safety or my wife and family.

    Now move to this past May, this is what I’m doing………I’m cheating on my wife, binging on porn, going to bookstores……..and using viagra to keep everything going. Then my “friend” contracts STD, gives it to me……….and now I confront my wife. I’m sure my life is over and I’m on the verge of a total mental collapse…….but wife doesn’t kick me out but instead wants to help me because she loves me and I DO love her. Thank god I don’t give her the STD and I get better………but we really talk…..WE REALLY TALK……… For about 30 days with my STD, I shut down and going into a mandatory reboot (no nothing porn, masturbating or orgasm) – not knowing why, but feel better…..but do go back to porn for about a week after the 30 days but decide this is not working and start to research about porn and porn addiction.

    We both do a lot of research……my wife finds YBOP…. I gather information on HOCD, I show all the symptoms, I show symptoms of a rewired brain, discover YBR and I go into reboot. During this time here, I really start to understand what I need to do. I’ve been here since August had a good first try (31 days), relapsed to porn but started right back…………and I’m totally convinced porn fucked up my thought process and my values.

    My wife and I are back to having sex (actually amazing sex….yes for my age) ;). We are reconnecting looking into karezza and tantra – rediscovering the intimacy we lost.

    Believe this is not a “happily ever after story” and we still have a lot more to work out but things are better. I am starting counseling this week and I do have things to work out and address…. am I bisexual? how do handle being faithful to my wife? Etc. etc.…….Also, soon, my wife and I will also go the marriage counseling…..but all is positive we (and I) haven’t felt this good in years.

    Like I said, I’ve been here about a month….just got my journal going now because I really feel comfortable now talking about it……..and want to continue with it as I start my counseling………but I want to thank all of you for your stories, ideas and support……even though my story is extreme…………..bottom line is that we are all fighting an addiction that we need to stop to become better people.

    I hope I can continue to help some of you and I know I need you to help me – THANKS!!!
     
  2. justforkicks800

    justforkicks800 New Member

    Confused:

    Thank you for posting such an honest and open entry. The raw honesty of the post struck me, and as I said in my post today, you have friends here, friends who do not judge, who do not ridicule but who want to help you see your way down your own path. Whatever that path is. This is about dignity and from your posts to me there is little doubt in my mind that that is what you seek most from this journey! I also appreciate your honesty in saying you are not sure what you are sexually. Luckily, in today's world nobody really judges or cares. I sure don't and it does not seem as if anyone here does either. Even if you decide that you are bi-sexual it seems to me you have made pretty clear in your own words how wonderful your wife is, and how important your children are too you. So as you yourself point out perhaps this is not only about understanding your sexuality, but more importantly how to get all that you need from a wife and family that I am sure loves and adores you. That is my read on things. I attended SLAA meetings years ago, and saw a friend who was then 58 walk away from a wife and two grown and successful sons to pursue and ultimately marry a woman who was 28 years younger. She was also a prostitute he met in Costa Rica. When I asked him what he was doing he abandoned the friendship. This guy does maintain a relationship with his boys, but I do know they lost respect for him and limit communication. Leaves one to wonder?

    Keep working, keep searching. That is what this is really about. Well that and no MO, PMO or whatever else you fancy LOL.

    Best and thank you for always being so supportive!
     
  3. Confused

    Confused New Member

    justforkicks......

    whewwww - thanks for the kind words and the viewpoint.......writing this journal was not easy.......and I'm a nervous wreck about the first counseling session tomorrow.....but I'm through day 10 (almost)....going to 11.

    I need yours and everyone's support as I hope they need mine.

    Appreciate it!!!
     
  4. justforkicks800

    justforkicks800 New Member

    Like I said in my message you have me in a pinch many times and I hope I can be of help to you.

    Take it easy, and I'll look for your next post.
     
  5. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Never take counsel of your fears. Focus on the great man you were destined to be.
    None of us here ever had the 2 most important weapons needed to win this battle:
    knowledge and camaraderie. Now we all have both; & now we will all be victorious.
     
  6. zman

    zman New Member

    Confused,

    You share a compelling story and I know that it takes courage to be honest about all of our sexual baggage after decades of keeping secrets and leading dual lives. I think that you know that you've got support from the folks who post here, but more importantly from your wife.

    The counseling will hopefully be another step in the right direction toward unconfusing yourself. You mention your age (and I'm not that far behind you)-- to which I add that it is never too late to be true to yourself, to refine our self-understanding and to reinvent who we will be. To my way of thinking that is called "being alive."

    8)
     
  7. Arthur Redux

    Arthur Redux Guest

    Hello Confused. What Zman posted above, was very eloquently put. I'll let him speak for me.

    Wishing you the best!!

    Arthur
     
  8. Backtothefuture

    Backtothefuture NOBODY calls me CHICKEN

    Hey Confused,

    Got a little bit "confused" of your story.
    Thanks for telling!
    There is coming a LOT to your mind now.
    So good that you have your wife beside you.
    Beware of the addiction traps and we will make this!
    And try to repair as much as you can,
    no excuses and lies needed anymore!

    Good luck
     
  9. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Thanks to all for the encouragement and the supporting words - it means a lot.

    I went to the first counseling session which turned out to be a lot of background information........but somethings were highlighted, like my inability to have close friends, remembering a lot of my childhood past and my distant family environment with my parents and siblings. My porn addiction came up and will be discussed in later details, but the therapist re-enforced lot of what I have learned here and YBOP. Next appointment in 2 weeks - I'm making that my next milestone to go without porn.

    The thing is, this morning, I had a little over an hour by myself at home before the appointment and because I was stressed, I did get an urge to take a "quick look".....but then I cleared my mind got busy getting ready and moved on to better thoughts.......made it to counseling a little early too.

    Took a long walk at lunch to "ground myself" from the rough morning.....still moving forward. Will be posting more as I go.......
     
  10. zman

    zman New Member

    Confused,

    Sounds like you are making progress. I would have had the same problem as you described as far as the extra time alone before the appointment. It would have been the perfect time for a little self-medicating-stress-reduction via PMO. Glad to hear that you were able to redirect those thoughts. It was better to get to the appointment early rather than late b/c you PMO'd, don't you think?

    Stay strong.

    8)
     
  11. Confused

    Confused New Member

    zman -

    I totally agree........it was good I didn't have more time to "sit"..........I am using the "get up and move" approach when my brain weakens.

    Thanks for the support............on to another day.
     
  12. Arthur Redux

    Arthur Redux Guest

    The "get up and move" approach ... I like that 8)
     
  13. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Into day 12 and feeling good - took a nice long walk at lunch - will work out later.....and because it's Wednesday, my wife and I have agreed that at least Wednesdays will be our "day" - can't wait.

    Hope everyone is staying strong!
     
  14. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Thanks. Hope you have fun.
     
  15. justforkicks800

    justforkicks800 New Member

    Day 12, nice..., How does it feel to have your own journal?
     
  16. Confused

    Confused New Member

    I made it past "lucky 13"...........wife and I had a real nice night last night. I'm having nocturnal hard ons and waking up with morning wood.....feelings of wanting porn has diminished - hope it stays that way........I do sort of get those "walking on egg shells" feelings everyone once in a while, but I am staying busy and keep moving forward.
     
  17. zman

    zman New Member

    Making past 13 days is really great!

    I find that I have to constantlty remind myself that this process is not linear (at least not for me). Some days I have zero desire for PMO, other days I spend the whole day trying to dismiss thoughts of PMO or at least MO. I do find as you apparently do that keeping busy is a great way to keep away from P.

    Keep staying strong! 8)
     
  18. justforkicks800

    justforkicks800 New Member

    I think staying busy also gives a sense of accomplishment which in turn makes one feel good about themselves, which in turn reduces low self esteem, which in turn.... helps us stay away from those things that make us feel bad!
     
  19. Hopefully

    Hopefully Guest

    Wow, I read your story and I am impressed.

    I do wish you the very best on this journey and I hope you will get on a good condition soon!
    I think you can be happy to have such a cool wife! Tell her!

    Have fun on your way!
     
  20. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Thanks all, taking a long weekend.....had a good day.....everyone stay strong!
     

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