Unleashing Mental Force

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by trapped7, Jan 18, 2013.

  1. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    Re: unleashing the real me

    I see a huge number coming up... And one of those colored stars, as well! Walk on, trapped!
     
  2. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 99 - evening

    Well, I watched borderline material again for several minutes and lateron had another MO relapse.
    I don't know why I can't do it. When I said I wouldn't watch borderline material / M a few days ago, I really meant it.

    I was able to go for 5 days without it, but that doesn't suffice.
    It's not like I don't care right, now, I do. I want to be totally free from P, borderline material and MO, not just from P.
    I'm not sure what the problem is, but my best guess is I haven't yet understood the negative impact of this on an emotional level.

    I did understand how damaging P is to my overall health and quality of life, so it is just not an option for me.
    But with borderline material and MO, it's still like I don't internally _believe_ that it will hurt me or my progress that much.
    My inner addict keeps telling me that it's ok to watch this.

    This must be the 10th repetition of the same thing in my journal, I'm sorry I have nothing new to say and that I haven't conquered this yet.
    This has just been my biggest challenge during the reboot for quite some time now. As long as I'm doing it I have to keep writing about it.

    Before the MO - during the day - I noticed that I felt more confident and was much more aggressive, probably due to the elevated testosterone.

    I have a 17-year guitar student who I'm having a hard time with as he's acts incongruently all the time and behaves arrogantly (There have been quite a few annoying episodes with him during the last months and I already considered to dismiss him, but gave him another chance on the request of his mother). At some point he made a comment about how he prefered playing chords to what I was teaching him at the moment. I tried to understand what kind of problem he was having with this, but got nowhere with it and suddenly I got really aggressive and out of on an impulse asked him if he'd prefer I didn't teach him this stuff at all.
    Normally I don't react this way, and it was likely an overreaction.

    When I went home from work, there some middle-aged guy who tried to get into the subway before me, even though I was obviously next in line. I blocked his way, turned around and looked straight at him. He then apologized.
    Again, normally I don't do this kind of thing, and as I'm writing this it actually seems ridiculous to me. It's intriguing however, how much of an effect elevated testosterone can have in real life situations.

    True, I don't think that's necessary. It was pretty obvious during our meeting that there was nothing between us. in the first place because of the age difference, I don't mean to sound rude, but it comes down to that in the first place (she was likely pushing 40). If she'd have been my age or younger, she probably still wouldn't have been my type. I just wasn't interested and didn't send any signals among those lines. I'm postive this was clear to her. I just meant I could imagine meeting her again, as she's really nice and cool and might have other cool people around her.

    As for the edging, yeah maybe I should install an buzzer, a bio-technological device that goes into yellow alert whenever I get an erection comes to my mind :)

    Gil, Thank you. I also would like to remember this line more often!

    FindingSanctuary, Thanks man! I find your words very encouraging. :)
     
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Hey Trapped, just keep trying. I remember that when I tried to quit smoking I quit almostevery week. It took some time, but eventually it was successful. As you know I have the same problem with the emotionsat the moment. Maybe it's like going through puberty again, with rebalancing hormone levels. Don't feel bad about it, I think that for this student it is good get to hear truthfrom you.
     
  4. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 100

    I may not have been successful in beating the bikini addiction or the M addiction yet, but I have been successful in not watching P for 100 days!

    P is the #1 enemy here - and so far it doesn't look like he's going to reclaim power over me anytime soon. Thus I don't feel too bad about not having been able to be like a monk just yet.
    I'll try to get rid of these two addictions (borderline and MO) as well of course.

    I've completed 40 days (cooldown) + 60/90 days rewiring, as the addiction expert P. Carnes described the process.
    So the next goal is 130 days (40 + 90)

    I know I am still a beginner in terms of rebooting, and that completing 130 days does only forms a basis. I'll have to keep working on this and other areas in my life if want to make serious progress and transform my experience.
    I'm also considering to make 100 days with no P and M whatsoever a second goal.

    True, yeah 5 days, oh well. Remember, I already went 65 days without M. That's solid proof to me that I can do it.
    Actually the borderline slip was really a conscious decision. I made what is often described as a common mistake rebooters make: I felt exhausted after this week, and used the brief looking at borderline material and the M lateron as means to make myself feel better. As I said the reason is probably that I haven't emotionally understood the damaging effect of this behaviour, if I had I'm sure I wouldn't do it. It doesn't even cause that much negative feelings. The only reason I feel that bad about it is because I feel embarassed about having to admit in on the board again to you guys ;) So it's good to have you around, it makes me try to do the best I can!
    I don't know how far I would have gotten without guys like you, Gil and everyone else who posted here.
    As for the girl, yeah, it was still a good experience even though I wasn't interested.

    I've not talked about this but I have recently ended a relationship with an amazing girl, because some things just didn't work out (it's complicated) so it's not like I'm looking for a new relationship right now.

    If anything, I'd be looking to gain new experiences with different girls, which is something I wasn't aiming at until now, and I'm also not entirely sure about it.

    Gil, Thanks for your comments. As I said P is the enemy #1, so as long as the M doesn't lead me back there, it's not like it's the end of the world. But I do want to break free from it and I will keep trying. I also think it did the student no bad to get a harsh reaction for once, thanks for supporting my testosterone-induced reaction :)

    On it goes!
     
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Congratulations with 100 days! I'm 'just' 68 days behind ;-)
     
  6. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Congrats on the big 100! I like your plan of another 100 days with no P and M whatsoever. I'm planning the same- zero M for the next 100 days (including testing). Reading other accounts a lot of improvements happen between 100-200 days. Can't wait!
     
  7. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    A good friend of mine who lives in another city was visiting by surprise today and we hung out together. It was good to see him and we had a great time but he had to leave soon again.

    Lateron I met a female friend of mine and a couple of her friends. When I encountered the group of friends one of the girls said to me "You look familiar, do I know you?"
    Turns out it was a girl I met 3 years ago, because a friend of mine thought we'd be a good match. She was really pretty, an egyptian/european mix and very nice, I'm not sure why I didn't contact her again back then. I thought, that's great, I can date her now!!
    Unfortunately a few minutes later I noticed that one of the guys in the group was her husband and that she got married a year ago.

    So it seems the new theme in my life is to again meet girls I met 3 years ago, to find out they're not for me! ;D

    What I noticed today was that my energy level was definitely lower than during the end of last week, and I'm sure it has to do with the recent MO.
    I didn't like that loss of enery and masculine feeling at all, so that motivated me on the spot to completely abstain from M again.

    My first goal is to go 14 days without M and see how I feel.

    Gil, thanks, well recently you've definitely done better than myself dealing with the addiction!

    ANM, thank you! I'm also looking forward to the next months

    True, Yes, I know. I just needed to reiterate that to myself, to remember I can do it. And, yeah it's testosterone time ;)
     
  8. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 102

    My current mission: no MO for 14 days starting now.

    I went for a run in the morning, now I'll have breakfast and then I'll do some strength exercises.
    Then I'll work on a few tasks before I'm off to work in 3 hours.

    I want this day to be as productive as possible.
    In addition, I'll really have to start organising my trip to japan in the summer now, actually booking a flight and so on.
     
  9. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 103

    The usual sexual fantasies in the morning... it's a hard habit to break for me. Next time I'll try to surf these thoughts early, just as they come up.

    Yesterday I was pretty productive and I'd like today to be the same.
    So I'll do the usual drill, which is write a To do list and start working on it. Simple and effective.

    Another goal is for the 1000st time to gain a few pounds. I should plan my meals in advance. I'll also set an alarm every 3 hours to remind myself it's time to eat something again.

    Spring is here!
     
  10. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 104

    Whenever I abstain from M for a couple of days, a lot of emotions come up. I'm still not totally sure what it all comes down to, despite haveing talked about it quite a bit in therapy. My guess is it's pain from the past, hurt inflicted to me from different directions, from my social circle when I was a teenager and from girls I fell in love with in my youth who didn't reciprocate my feelings.

    The first girl I fell in love with at age 16, she never answered my call for love. Back then I thought I'd just have to be persistent, eventually she'd see what a great guy I am and would fall in love with me. I remained in that state for 4 years until I was 20, always holding on to her, always thinking about her, dreaming I could be with her some day, inflicting all of this suffering on myself at this young age. It never happened.
    Also at that time I had to witness all kinds of relationships she got involved with, one of them being a good friend of mine back then, many of them - like my friend - didn't really care much, as it was just a fling for them.

    Lateron I fell in love with another girl for 2 years, and another girl after that - until I was about 24 - and it was basically a restaging of the same thing. I met both of them regularly, the first just saw me as a good friend an nothing mroe. The other girl liked me but in the end I found out she was actually just playing with me and dating many other guys. These were not casual dates, I was in love with these girls.

    Looking back I now wouldn't be interested in anyone of them, and I realize that I fell in love with idealised versions of themselves who they didn't even come close to.
    I just wanted to be with a girl, to deeply love and care for her and to receive love myself, that's all.
    I was never interested in playing, only in real, deep connection with a girl.
    I found nothing but pain.

    Then around that time, at 23 and 24 the thing with P escalated and turned into an everyday habit.
    I probably created it unconsciously, as a means for not having to feel all of this pain anymore. and it worked - for the ultimate price as we all know - for the price of not being able to feel what was really going on inside of me.

    When I got into my first relationship at 25 I was glad someone actually liked me - but I never actually fell in love with the girl, so of course at some point the relationship ended.

    I had feelings of love and affection for some girls in the recent years - so thankfully my capacity to feel love is still there, although it seems very fragile to me. I've had a relationship with an amazing girl recently which also didn't work, for different reasons, but that's not what this post is about.

    The point is that now that I've quit P I'm again in the place I was at some 8 years ago, feeling all of this pain.
    I don't know what exactly to add to this at this point.

    Just felt like writing about it would get me closer to the cause of it and I believe it has.
    For some moments when I wrote about these difficult experiences I felt really close to my true self, so there's I think there's potential in writing about all of this.
     
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Re: unleashing the real me

    That's exactly what I also experienced a couple of weeks ago. I even dreamed of the past. I think you describe it well. It's kind of dealing with the issues you haven't dealt with yet. Writing it down ( as you do) is a good way to become aware and deal with it. Meditation is also really helpful for this. All the that negative energy that you let go while writing up or meditating will not have to find it's way out. via masturbation anymore.
     
  12. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 105

    Almost had an M slip again in the morning.
    It's like my mind is on "hold" whenever I start edging. then at some point it gets louder "stop that, you don't want to do that". "ok". a few minutes pass before the fantasies start again "stop that!" "ok."
    and again. ... and again.
    the stupid mind AKA the infamous battle of the neocortex VS the limbic system

    yesterday evening it ocurred to me that I need to break certain patterns of thought.

    For the last months I've had a lot of depressing thoughts towards the world and society (don't read the following if you don't want to hear a lot of depressive patterns of thought right now)
    you know, how society is all messed up in numerous ways (pollution, exploitation of third world, people starving, human trafficking and sex slavery...) and that I can't change it.
    A large portion of my thinking is about how I have missed out on many experiences in my 20s - I'm talking about girls of course - how I need to do something different because my early 30s are almost over as well, how as I get older it will be harder to hit on younger girls, which is the only thing I really want right now, how we have about 50 years from 35 - 85 (if we stay healthy) which we can't really use for that kind of endeavour, how the time before that is much too short as we have to learn, how we don't get a second chance at it and so on and so forth

    I need to put an end to this kind of thinking. There is absolutely no benefit to this. Society is what it is, and my negative thinking about won't change it a bit. The only useful thing would be to actually engage in some field to make change happen. As long as I don't do that it's no use making myself feel bad about it through my own thinking.

    As for getting older and dating younger girls; I have to keep affirming the idea that many younger girls aren't interested in boys but would prefer young men in their 30s instead. I have to start thinking more positively about myself, and acknowledge that I now have qualities I didn't have when I was in my 20s. How I'm more confident about myself. How I'm more assertive about my life now.
    How I am the same age as Brad Pitt in Fight Club (all girls wanted him back then) ;)

    My negative thinking (it's all too late now, why didn't I, I should have, I should now, why can't I...)etc) also has an addictive quality to it. I do it on autopilot.

    I need to practice acceptance and to "be still" while at the same time going for what I want.

    Gil, thanks, I haven't meditated for some time and would like to get back to it.

    True, Actually right now, I'd be more interested in dating more girls than falling in love. Probably because I have never done that before. I've always been in love with that "one girl", or in a relationship.
     
  13. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Hey trapped!

    I haven't read your journal yet (I will) but I agree with the change in the thinking process. It really doesn't help at all to focus on these things. Fighting PMO and abstaining from porn releases a lot of time though and I think at first we're not so sure what to do about all that extra time we used to spend PMOing. Having these thoughts fill our brains is normal I guess. But we gotta find something better to do :)

    Wanting to go wild with younger girls makes sense. A friend of mine (same age as me ~ 31) recently started dating a 20 year old who went after him. She literally chased him! She was one of these girls that want to hang out with older guys. He told me that she was in fact really mature. Anyway.. after a while the age gap between them started pulling them apart. To be honest, I think he got this sort of "urge" out of this head and then he started dating girls close to his age. The first one didn't really click but about a couple of weeks ago he met another girl and he seems to be really happy with her... I don't think he did anything wrong. I'm sure both him and that 20yo enjoyed it a lot. If they were still together, it'd still be fine. Do whatever you like man...

    Oh.. congrats on the 100 days by the way!
     
  14. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    Re: unleashing the real me

    I just caught your journal Trapped. It's a big read, but I will now follow your daily posts. I simply want to thank you for the support you offered me.
     
  15. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Don't restrict yourself to young women dude, think "Young women and every woman up to my age".. Seriously, i cannot even tell the difference between a 20 year old and a 30 year old these days. Why limit yourself? They are all the hotness.

    Nice to watch you power past 100 days. I was a bit worried that the landmark would trigger a "celebration" for me but it went by without a hitch. Keep going!
     
  16. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 106

    Yesterday I was on the verge of a relapse, as some checking out of borderline material actually led me to peek on two P sites for a few seconds. I immediately closed the window and thought "you idiot, what are you doing?"
    It reminded me how I hated these sites where you unexpectedly got bombarded with many explicit images, some of them really disgusting. (I don't get what's wrong with the people who actually like creating that kind of stuff). you know when you saw something you actually were not looking for. It reminded me how glad I am that this is really not part of my life anymore. Well it was a learning experience.

    Today in the morning I was able to stop the fantasies early for the first time in a long time. No edging, no giving in.

    I need to break these destructive patterns of thought that I wrote about in my last post.
    I need to become active and stay active, constantly, throughout the day, everyday. And not write about it here, but actually do it.
    Make lists of my goals and habits to build, but then actually put them into practice. I need to get rid of all of this deviation. I'd do a few tasks and then deviate again at some point.
    What I also notice that when I think about the things that would have the potential for changing my life I get a lot of anxiety. This is usually where in the past I'd turn to P and where I'm now doing any other thing.
    Another really destructive habit I notice is that I repeatedly check emails, this board, google random things and don't really do anything at all for an hour or so - although I would have plenty of things to do. What's with that?

    Asha, thanks! I think you can savely skip the first couple of pages if you really want to read it. :) you're right, we're looking for things to fill out the additional time. As I said above I could think of many things to do, but end up turning doing random stuff that has no impact on anything whatsoever. It's just a means to escape the fear, I am sure. As for the thinking process, in my case this didn't start with abstinence from P. I've had these kind of thoughts for many years. I hope I can let them go now and gradually turn to more positive thinking.
    Thanks for sharing the story of your friend. I guess for me it's just something I feel I have missed out on when I was younger, that's why I'd like it to meet younger girls now. I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship.
    Thank you for the congrats!

    Canada2012, thanks for tuning in! I'm glad to offer my support whenever I can. see you around!

    True, I'd need a huge bag of candy that's for sure ;) well today I managed to not do it even without it. There's definitely more where that kind of thought came from, and in moves in circles. I feel it would be a huge improvement if I could make a shift to a more positive and relaxed kind of thinking. As for the girls, I hope you're right! In fact I also do believe so (sometimes with a shade of doubt unfortunately)

    ANM, it's not like I completely restrict myself in that regard, but thanks for throwing that at me. It's just that I wouldn't say no if I met a young girl that liked me. The 100 day landmark actually caused some problems again for me as I felt because I had reached that goal I would in a sense be free to do what I want. I was definitely less careful for a time, but I think I'm back on track now. Glad you weren't having any problems, and - yeah - let's keep going!
     
  17. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Re: unleashing the real me

    I'm doing this all the time! For instance, I might be working on a project and suddenly start googling stuff, check the board and so on. Exactly like you describe. I think what is happening is that my mind is probably bored and it wants a break. What it craves is probably to get up, go for a walk, or something. But I just feed it the same stuff again. That's not a break. I think that's why this waste of time can go on for a little while. We don't think like we've had an actual break. I'd like to deal with that at some point. It's probably easy: listen to your body and your mind. If you feel you've had enough of something, stop. Take a break. Something active preferably. The reason I'm not doing it now is that my focus is elsewhere (the 2 habits I'm working on this month). There are a million tips on how you can improve your life and they are all super easy but if you try to apply them all at the same time you just mess everything up! So, my suggestion, pick a couple of tips, behaviors etc and work on them until they become habits. Then move to something else. It's much more effective than trying to improve 20 different areas of your life at the same time. It really doesn't feel like it is, because it's slow, but it really is.
     
  18. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 107

    I'm getting extremely turned just at the very thought of a girl.

    Yesterday I chatted with a girl online. if she looks like the girl on her photos she was pretty hot. I think it was the first time I chatted with a girl online who was fun to chat with and had humor and personality.
    right before talking to her I talked with another girl who had the personality of a dead fish:

    me: "so what music do you listen to?"
    her: "hmm... usher"
    me: "that's it - only usher?"
    her: "everything i suppose. except opera"
    me: "that's a perfect match. I listen only to opera!!"
    her: "okay"
    me: "oh....kaay.... tell me, where are you from?"
    her: "this city xxx"

    me looking up wikipedia. the city she's from is famous for its industry

    me: "so you're working in industry?"
    her: "industry?"
    me: "...... yes, your city is famous for its industry"
    her: "you know?"

    me "i gotta go you stupid bitch!"

    (ok, actually I didn't type that one. instead I kept writing because I thought it might still get better. it didn't.)

    Anyway as I said the other girl was really fun to talk to. my first positive online chatting experience. (I don't much history in that regard)
    Unfortunately she doesn't live in my city.

    Right now I'm thinking I should probably try to set up as many dates as I can with some of the girls I've met over the past years, who I haven't seen in a while. just to see what it's like and to be around girls, even if I'm not particularly interested.
    Also I should force myself to go out tonight, because I don't feel like it. But the "don't feel like it" is just the part of me that has approach anxiety.

    Asha, we're gonna kick that habit. And you're right, building a habit one at a time is the way to go.

    True, It was another learning experience. Thanks for pointing all of that out. I'm trying to move from wasting time and paralysis to getting active.
     
  19. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Ignore the "I don't feel like it" feeling. It always prevents from doing the things that really matter in your life.

    Setting up dates sounds like a good idea. Let us know how it goes!
     
  20. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Another MO slip. I was fighting with it for the whole free day and felt completely blocked all the time. At some point I just didn't care anymore.

    I feel a little better now. I don't know anymore if this MO free reboot is for me. I have no idea how I went for 65 days back then. I couldn't even fulfill my goal of 14 days. I made it to 6 days only this time.

    Despite feeling a little better I actually feel pretty darn aweful. I've managed to waste this entire day by causing as much friction as a human being can create, watching a little youtube there, doing a little forum browsing there, checking my email 50 times, a little lying in bed, a little this, a little that and basically I feel like a complete idiot now.
    I should probably be the one write the complete idiot's guide to wasting your day (for people who want to learn this)

    I wasn't even able to do simple tasks like washing the dishes or putting my clothes away. I'm starting to think that I might have some kind of anxiety disorder because today, at the very thought of getting at these simple tasks I get feelings of heavyness.

    I believe there's something going on on a deeper level. I got a self-sabotage program running and it's running for an unconscious reason. My bet is as I said earlier that it has to do with fear of actually suceeding and changing.
    But I don't know what to do about it except the things I'm already doing; rebooting, exercising, doing psychotherapy and forcing myself to socialise.
    I hope I'll uncover all of this at some point and be able to act from a place where this self-sabotage mechanism isn't blocking me.

    For now I can only accept it.

    update, 1 hour later:
    ok, now I have at least completed the amazingly frightening tasks of washing the dishes, putting away the all the clothes and performing a basic reboot of my apartment in terms of cleaning.

    maybe I am still halfway sane after all.
     

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