Unleashing Mental Force

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by trapped7, Jan 18, 2013.

  1. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 0

    Just relapsed to P again. I'm humbled and shocked all the same.
    I was evading initial F and aware of what's going on. Things then uncoiled within minutes and the next thing I know I find myself after a relapse to P.

    My goal is to get through the rest of today with no more relapses.
     
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    It seems as a lame advice, but instead of forcing yourself to abstain right now, maybe it would be better to just not try to abstain for a while and get your intrinsic motivation back. At the same time you can still focus on these positive changes you have initiated the last weeks: sports and meditation. And what about working 3x10 minutes on the 12-step or recoverynation workshop per day?
     
  3. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 0

    Just relapsed again after going for a few days.
    I throught I was going to be ok this time and able to go for a longer time.

    I don't know what to say anymore at this point.
    I won't give up.

    @Gilgamesh and @Raskolnikov
    Thanks for your words.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    In the book 'psychocybernetics' I just read about the imortance of having mid- to long-term goals or better 'projects' or 'causes'. The author compares it to the need for forward momentum to stay upright when you ride your bike. It makes sense to me and I am redefining them for myself. How about you? Not talking about getting more healthy or free from addiction, but more the things you want to do or accomplish in life. Do you have such kind of anchors?
     
  5. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    @Raskolnikov
    It's true. P isn't produced to satisfy, but to sell products.
    Just as our brain evolved to help us survive. It didn't evolve to handle this kind of insane stimulation.

    @Gilgamesh
    I've read "Psychocybernetics" some 10 years ago (as Bertrand Russell once put it, there are two reasons to read a book. One is to read it, the other to brag about having read it. In my case the reason is the latter as I don't remember a single word from it)
    I don't have a lot of goals right now, be they mid or longterm. There's only one, which I am at least somehwat motivated about. I remember however that at times when I was able to go for a longer period of time without P, gradually goals came to arise more and more clearly. Which is why I think I have to rid myself of the negative, soul-killing, thought-clouding effects of the addiction first.

    Day 1

    There's this notion that's becoming more and more clear to me.
    In order to have an effective recovery strategy in place, i not only have to be able to disengage from addictive behaviour, but it also needs to have an additional quality.
    In order for it to be successful it needs to be sustainable.

    There is no use in being able to go abstain for an X amount of days, weeks or months, if after that one gets sucked back in by the dark embrace of the addiction.

    Getting to 90 days without any addictive behaviour, be it P, F, borderline content or whatever else shall be my goal.
    In recent relapses the common pitfalls were borderline content and F.

    In order to get to the first 30 days, I need to make use of every tool and technique I have aquired since I have started this path.
    Simply having an intention to disengage is nice, but not nearly enough.

    What follows are some ideas in an effort to create a recovery plan that will be both working and durable.

    - Practicing Mindfulness to recognize F better
    - Disengaging instantly when F arises.
    - Recognizing borderline content for what it is - a one-way street back to the depth of the addiction and disengaging.
    - Having a basic framework in place in terms of regular eating, exercise and meditation
    - Going over some of the 10 commandments of relapse prevention as part of my mourning routine.
    - Posting on this forum daily, if only briefly and supporting others if possible
    - P filters - coudn't find anything that was straightforward and efficient, this helped me a lot in the past.
    - looking at problems that are in the back of psyche and trying to tackle them gradually.

    One thing I was successful in this month was meditation, I did so on more than 80% of days.
    30 days is my first goals in my long term goal of 90 days.

    I wish to get to 90 days just to see if my anxiety and symptoms will get better as a result.
    There must be some connection even if it's not the only reason, my feeling is it must be part of it.
     
  6. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    This is so hard to get your head around- how can a single moment of titillation be harmful? It's like the recovering alcoholic or former cigarette smoker who can't even smell drink or smoke without it setting off cascades of associations and the whole addictive chain reaction. For guys like us even sitting next to an attractive woman on the train can be a challenge. Whatever sets fire to the dopamine pathways (and it feels more and more like fire the longer i'm clean) is to be avoided.

    YES. 1000 x YES.

    Awesome! Can i ask, what type of meditation do you do? Do you have a special spot you sit, how long do you do it, and have you found it getting easier/"improving"?
     
  7. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    So I've found out a few things over the past month.

    Most importantly I found one of the causes of the extremely strong symptoms I've had.
    Turns out it was supplements I've been taking over the past year or so. These were supposed to contribute to my overall health and help me sleep better.
    Well, not only did they not help me sleep, but they also caused an entire host of symptoms during the day, fatigue and dizziness being the most prevalent of them.

    Now I still have fatigue and experience symptoms but not on that scale. So in general I was able to move from feeling like a general 0.5/10 (Sometimes I basically felt close to dying) to an overall 2/10 and at some times 3/10 which is tremendous progress. So now I feel like at least I have a chance if I continue the right way, even if it's still really tough.

    It's too bad I couldn't see it earlier, but in the meantime I know that's just the way life moves sometimes.

    What has this experience taught me:

    What I am _not_ doing is probably even more important for my health than what I _am_ doing.
    To identify everything I am doing that might be detrimental to my health and disposing of it in a strategic fashion will be very important. Addictive behavior is the obvious one, but not the only one.

    The other thing I realized with my addiction, after having reviewed InnerGold's insightful video about P - they refer to it as the "perfect poison" is that I need realistic goals with my addiction.
    It reminded me that I need to manage my addiction rather getting rid of it.

    The point they are making is that while a part of me has decided to quit a hundred times over, there's also a part of me that wants to continue the behavior.
    And not only does it want to continue, it's in fact a matter of survival for that part. It is conditioned to viewing P as a matter of survival.

    So whenever I say "I promise myself never to watch P again" or I need to get to 90 days without P, that part actually sees it as a threat to survival, which is why it is initially so hard to stop.

    Therefore I shall have humble goals for now. Right now it's to go for 3 days without acting out, which I find achievable - I need to get through today and tomorrow without acting out.
    If I relapse I will try to set a realistic goal again.

    The main purpose here is to extend the time intervals between relapses for longer and longer periods of time, and to only slide down the mountain a bit when relapsing, as opposed to all the way down.

    ANM,
    Thanks for the post and sorry for the late response.
    I do have a spot that is dedicated to meditating and found that helps.
    It also helped me to set a time every day where I would meditate. I found that there needs to be some kind of trigger to start the desired behavior.

    I practice meditation the way I learned it in Zen, and I usually sit for 25 minutes or 2x 25 minutes with a minute to stand up in between.
    5 minutes are certainly better than nothing, but in my experience I can actually start to feel a difference if I go for longer intervals.
    I haven't meditated that much this month, but I plan to start again.
     
    A New Man likes this.
  8. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    What supplements did you take? I found that some really help for fatigue and some tend to make it worse.
     
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I am happy to hear you found at least a part of the causes of feeling so bad. What about the insomnia then? I think it woukd still be good if you talk to a medical practitioner.
     
  10. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    @Fry2

    I have tried everything from Siberian Ginseng to Rhodiola Rosea and from Lavender to Ashwagandha.
    The only supplement I ever found that produces a noticable positive difference is Magnesium, which seems to help the heart palpitations I've had.

    Lemon Balm was probably one of the ones that produced strong symptoms during the day.
    What are you taking?

    @Gilgamesh
    The insomnia got a bit better. Now, I can sleep for 6 hours at least during most nights, without waking up more than once.
    A good medical practicioner might be good. Unfortunately I've made the experience that doctors often can't tell me what I have or make a misdiagnosis, especially if blood tests come back normal.

    I was able to go for about 10 days without any acting out, which is huge progress.
    I will make humble, achievable goals and try to make my streaks longer.

    That's pretty much it right now. I am not feeling great at all, and still have symptoms, but I definitely got quite a bit better.
     
  11. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    My health is a bit better.
    It's still far from great, but since I stopped supplements altogether it certainly got better.

    My next step is to eat a healthy breakfast every day, consisting mainly of fruits and probably eggs on some days.
    Small steps at a time, and trying to make them more consistent.

    healthy:
    - eating more fruits and veggies, enough protein
    - eating regulary
    - exercising
    - regular sleep, sufficient rest
    - meditation
    - real life socialising
    - speaking the truth to self and others

    unhealthy:
    - PMO duh
    - too much sugar
    - not eating regularly
    - constant worrying
    - hours of screen time

    Simple enough, but someone's gotta do it, so why not me
     
  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I am happy to hear that you feel at least slightly better. I hope that you can find out what is causing the remaining ill-feeling. Have you ever tried intermittent fasting? Basically for a couple of days a week, you don't eat after dinner and skip breakfast. It gives your digestive system time to recover and burn the waste in your body. At least that is how it is promoted. I have tried it multiple times and I really feel good with it.
     

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