Unleashing Mental Force

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by trapped7, Jan 18, 2013.

  1. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 1

    Relapsed completely unexpectedly in the evening following fantasies, that went to peeking.
    Amazing that even with all my experience I haven't fully realized that I cannot peek and that a little _always_ leads to more.

    However I got right back on track and started this morning with some meditation.

    I am also currently reading "Meditations" by Marc Aurel, which is amazing. He talks about seeing what's really there as opposed to seeing what we imagine in everyday situations.
    Another one was that a good character or good anything doesn't need any admiration to be good. So we shouldn't look for admiration, but to see to doing the right thing.
    One more is to help others, not because you'll remember and want something in turn, but because it's a virtue and the right thing to do.

    TT, yeah I agree exercise is one of the most powerful assets we have in this.

    Fry, true, but right now I am fortunately in no danger to overdo it. I also think there is nothing wrong with challenging ourselves for a little while, but I am also not in favour of doing too much of a good thing.
  2. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    You said it: little always leads to more!

    I have read Meditations and believe that I am due for a re-read. It's a great piece of work. It's the gift that keeps on giving... there's a lot to learn and to question, think about.
  3. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 3

    Relapsed again and again, however now I feel like I am once more in a better place.

    I have started reading extensively again. There's more interesting subjects and practical, great books out there than one can read in a liftetime. Right now a lot of it is about stoicism and other literature with practical insights.
    I also feel like I am in a good place now creating a good balance between different aspects, work, socialising and relationships, reading, exercising, meditating and so on.

    This November will be a month dedicated to transformation for me.
    I would like to achieve the goal of not acting out once in any way for 30 days, and for the first time in a long time I sense the inner motivation to do so.
    The past has shown me that this motivation isn't enough. One also needs a strategy, a strict path to follow.

    What has worked best for me in the past is a strict "No F" allowed mindset. No F, no M, no P.
    Most of the time F hits me in the morning after working up, so I will get up instantly when that happens over the next 30 days.

    To invest into recovery from another angle, I will make an effort to meet friends or go out being social at least 3-4 times a week, even if just for a short time. To invest from yet another perspective I will follow a regimen of healthy diet, exercise and meditation. Because I have learned and internalized the "tiny habits mindset" in the meantime, I feel well equipped to pull this off, even if it is just very little on some days.

    To be continued...
  4. jnv

    jnv Active Member

    I read from time to time but I've recently challenged myself to read all of the books I put on a list in recent months. I ordered some of them and I'm going to binge reading them pretty soon. I'll start with a 30 day massive reading challenge.

    Much stregth to you with your transformation objectives man. ;)
    mailboxsam likes this.
  5. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Trapped, I'm happy to hear you feel a renewed sense of motivation to tackle the reboot with all you've got. Things haven't been easy for me either, and I too feel a renewed faith in my recovery and hope to steer clear of dangerous thoughts.

    If I may, I propose you replace the notion banning all sexual fantasies with: taking a vacation from sexual thoughts. 8) This is something I recently uncovered after skimming over the first pages of my journal. TruettW left that comment! And it's a powerful affirmation because you are not banning something, but rather allowing yourself to let go of it, at least for a while.

    The reading challenge is a great way to occupy the mind, btw. But since you have no external deadline, impose your own and stick it on a wall or on your fridge, to get a sense of urgency about it.
  6. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    It seems very sound strategy for you. Im sure you will go a long way now. :)
    I think you can kind of read between the lines when someone is in the right mood to really commit in something. Currently, I lack motivation to read and focus to anything creative. Same time, Im badly struggling with F thoughts and escapist behavior.
    If you have now a motivation and interest to such a intellectual endeavour than read philosophic books and like, Im sure you are now moving into the better phase and are likely to put yourself much better to other healthy ways of living too.
    Make the November the clean month, as you proposed. 8)
  7. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 5

    I am trying to do what I can here.

    I did a morning meditation and one nice little project at work. However I feel exhausted, very tired, I am having a headache and waves of uncomfortable emotions, which are hard to describe.
    I don't know of course but it could be it is to some extent because of the now very low dopamine levels. I have to get through this.

    jnv, Usually when I posed a huge challenge for myself (like reading many books in the one you mentioned) I failed. Starting out very motivated at first the waters run dry after a little while and I ended up being disappointed. Now I am trying to do at least a little of something everyday, even if it means reading for only 5 minutes. I have seen many times now that motivation start to kick in again if I don't quit altogether.

    Mendoza, Thank you. I like the notion of "taking a vacation from sexual thoughts" as opposed to not allowing them. It's only fitting that TruettW would write down the elusive obvious again. Stick it's don't work for me that well unfortunately. Tiny habits do!

    TT, Thank you for encouragement! If your motivation is low, try to do something productive that is very very easy, like only 1 minute of something. I know I keep saying this a lot lately. But I have seen it actually work. Good luck!
  8. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Remember it's not about porn. If you get aroused by pictures (even with clothing), its basically the same dopamine rush you get. Because your sensitivity increased due to rebooting you need less stimulation, but it's dopamine nonetheless.

    Stay vigilant!
  9. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 7

    Continueing the fight.

    Have been the meditating every single day in November so far. Yesterday I went for a pretty good work-out at the gym. Today I went running.
    Felt better after that for a while, then this fatigue kicks in again.
    I don't really know if this can be just because of the low dopamine.

    Anyway, I will keep it up.

    Thebeg, yeah thank you, I know this because it has happened to me so many times I have lost count. I am mindful right now.
  10. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    A week in. Good going!

    I am going myself through very low motivation and fatigue. These are "depressive" symptoms, but it's most probably due to the lack of dopamine as you say. All this means is that we have to get to a solid 30-40 days before we start feeling the engines powering up again. One more reason to get with the reboot and avoid repeating the cycles of low moods and low energy following a relapse.
  11. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 9

    Despite some early morning F, still abstaining just fine.
    I am so fatigued, every day. I don't know what it can be. I often have the impression that there is something really wrong in my system, and I'll never get fully healthy again.
    I have had this for years, the whole western medicine paradigm is useless in almost every case of chronic health problems.

    At the same time I am always realizing just how fast time goes by. It flows silently, like a river that never stops and never makes a sound reminding you that it actually flows by so quickly.
    So I am thinking about priorities in my life. What do I want to do, before my thirties have passed aways, just like my twenties did before you even know what's going on.
    Sadly I lack the energy due to my fatigue to really pursue these things.

    I can only continue down this path of recovery and try to get good nutrition and enough rest and see if it gets better eventually.

    Mendoza, yeah I can only for an improvement after a longer period of time without acting out.
  12. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 10

    Doing fine in terms of recovery, evading F whenever they come up.

    Fatigued. I will go for a walk now.
  13. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    The energy is bound to appear. Right now it's too early to lose any sleep over why it's not there and how to medically induce it. Chances are, your bodily energies (as well as your mental power) are focusing on maintaining optimal health, so this is quite taxing on your system. As you get through with it, rebooting will require less and less, freeing up some energy for other pursuits. It wouldn't be unhealthy to look at it this way (despite me not having a shred of evidence to claim any of it!), since projecting the influx of energy sometime in the future becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (and in a very welcome way, I might add!)

    I've also been going through some existential crisis concerning the things I did not do but could have done, had I been more dedicated and less prone to time-wasting behaviors... whatever, you get it. Wanting to be free from PMO provides the will to live life to the fullest, which includes what you said about priorities and authentic desires. These budding plans are wonderful as they are, even if they aren't totally clear. But what I recently discovered was the importance of TIME. I have a funny feeling that my misunderstanding of time's impact on life goals is what is causing me to keep relapsing, procrastinating with work, abandon projects, etc.
  14. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 11

    Tired and surviving.

    Mendoza, Hopefully you are right and it will reappear. As for time passing, I need yet to be more objective about how much time has already passed without staying self-occupied in regret. Some things I did right after all. And as for the addiction, I just had no idea what I was up against, otherwise I would have acted differently.
    However, Life is so short that every single day is just so valuable.
    Like I said it's hard to start using every day proactively if just is no energy reserves. I hope I will see better days.
  15. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 12

    Fatigued during work.

    Got in a good workout at the gym in the evening. It's not a physical fatigue, in terms of muscle fatigue. It's a mental / brain fog fatigue.

    Also fell in the F trap for a minute there.
    Living the life, fighting the fight.
  16. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi Trapped!

    Good going! 8)
    The fatigue you speak of is very familiar for me also. Every time after the work feel dead tired, but if immediately go to exercise like at the gym, the fatigue miraculously will go away. Its mental fatigue, likely associated of depression or like. I think its not normal and should not be there. No idea what really causes it, but exercise afterwards seems to be best cure, alongside a short nap.
  17. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 13

    Same as yesterday. Thankfully work is easy right now, so I manage even though I am fatigued.
    Fantasy trap again in the morning. I am back to November's no F vacation.

    TT, thanks man, it's good to hear I am not alone in this. And yes I agree, exercise and naps do help a bit. What would probably help me the most would be to understand the exact cause of the fatigue, but unfortunately I don't really see a way to find out. I am assuming it can be low dopamine and depression, but I don't really know.
    You are not posting in your own Journal anymore at this time?
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Same here with the fatigue. I'm working hard on getting a consistent sleep schedule. Eating healthy (lots of vegetables) is also very important, next to the training.

    How's the food intake?
  19. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Do you remember that you always felt like that? Maybe some of us are just low-energy guys. I think that at least part of my own burdensome (at times) feelings are likely related to my depression. Its that deep down I believe not to be/been able to fully live my life. Its kind of world-weariness in me. Do you feel yourself be happy in your life? I guess that there is something that burdens you also, something that you are prone to escape, hence the addiction.

    My journal is now in older guy's section:
  20. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Trapped, something just clicked in me. Could it be that our low energy, fatigue be the result of life dissatisfaction? Titan mentioned fully living one's life, and I think it ties in. This is something you mentioned recently, when you commented on wanting to do things before your thirties melt away.

    I identify completely with the above and realize that pangs of anxiety will sometimes come and go. Will I ever reach my potential? Will I one day be happy? Will I ever figure out the kind of work I was meant to do? Will I find a good match and live a harmonious relationship with her? I realize that NOT acquiring some or all of these can lead to stress building up over time. And as we've learned to self-medicate with porn as a way to escape such concerns, we never quite learned to live life by squarely inviting these worries to dance.

    All along, we've been doing the best thing we knew that kept us happy. Porn was the great illusion, as you know. Confronting these tough life questions sure seems like a lot of unpleasant business, but if we risk FACING them, then I believe the promise of happiness lies at the other end. I guess what I really mean to say is to listen to your heart first. Toss the second-guessing aside and take the risk anyway. I think this is the crucial step, because only then we start to really live life, with the ups and downs, the yeses and the nos. :)

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