Unleashing Mental Force

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by trapped7, Jan 18, 2013.

  1. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    You're the man True.

    Thank you for saying that, all of that.
    This is exactly what I needed at this point.

    I won't let it haunt me, I just wanted to really acknowledge what it was like.
    But you're right - now that that is done there's no more purpose to dwelling in the past.

    I want to live life to the fullest´and go for my dreams. And I will.
  2. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 55

    Had a pretty bad nightmare last night. I don't have these often so I'm wondering if this may be related to rebooting in some way.

    Recovery goes on, one day at a time.
    I often find I'm trying to get to some goal with this, in my case 40days (initial cooldown) +90 days (reset neural connections), so I sometimes want days to go by quickly. This might actually not be a very smart approach.

    I should make better use of time. While I believe that after 2, 3, 4, 5 months of abstaining from P things might change for the better, this whole process is really a perpetual thing and I'm not to get too obsessed with day counts.

    I have to work for a few hours today, the rest of todays time I want to use to work out, learn japanese, clean my apartment and do some organisational stuff.
    Using my time efficiently is what I'd like to put my focus on over the next weeks.
  3. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 56

    Another weird dream this night.
    Apart from that I feel a little tired and low-energy. I'm pretty sure actually that these are all symptoms of my system rewiring.

    True: yeah scheduling is excellent advise for sure! For a brief period of time a few years ago, I managed to use a timer to setup 50 min sessions with 10 minute breaks during which I focussed on specific tasks, and I got a lot more productive this way.
    Unfortunately I wasn't able to turn it into a permanent habit. I should go back to it!

    procrastination and internet addiction are definitely two targets I'd like to tackle after this one.
    now that I think of it it occurs to me that all of our issues are in a way like two sides of a coin, one side holding our issues, the flip side holding our values / things we would like to experience and at the same time are escaping from, because we fear they may not be fulfilled.

    P and M addiction ---> being sexual with women in real life
    video game addiction ---> experiencing exciting events in real life
    watching movies and TV series --> being social with interesting people
    surfing the internet aimlessly --> trying out things in real life and then choosing our way

    I gradually want to remove all of these artificial stimuli in my life and instead throw myself out there more and more, be more proactive in general and go for the real experiences life has to offer.
  4. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 57

    The mind fog seems to be lifting a little more each day and I keep asking myself the questions I posted earlier.
    Am I really doing what I want to do with my life? What do I want to experience? What am I interested in, where do I want to live and what does all of that look like?

    In the meantime I have some ideas about what the answers to these questions might be. For now I've decided to stay in the city I am at and continue to do what I do for work until summer, because in the meantime I've got a good income and would like to save some money.

    Over the summer I will check out Japan for a couple of weeks, which is what I'm starting to organise right now. After the summer, depending on several circumstances I will decide if I stay in this city - which is supposedly among the top 5 worldwide in terms of quality of life (I wonder why I want to go somewhere else then...) - but move into another apartment, or if I go to Japan for a time, or somewhere else.

    while thinking about the future is important I still want to try to live in the present as well as I can. That means I always want to check whether decisions I make about the future still go together with what it feels like for me at every given moment. It's easy to get caught in patterns of conditioning and to start thinking "I have to do this, I should also do that..." while at the same time ignoring our emotional response which is telling us something else.

    So since I'm gonna stay here for the next 4 months at least, I will use this time to improve myself in several areas, especially in terms of fitness and productivity. I also commit to learning japanese on an everyday basis.
  5. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    hmm.... suddenly the gloom is hanging over me. it came out from nowhere.

    I had these feelings of heavyness 10 days ago for the first time - it got a little better after a few days.
    The tough part is, I don't really know what exactly it is, what it is trying to show me.

    I hope I'll be able to see that at some point.
  6. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    yeah, well the mood swings and emotional down-times are free to vanish from my life.

    Day 58

    I'm trying to figure out how to go about my life.
    One one hand I'm using my intellect fo figure out
    - what is meaningful to me
    - what could I do to help the world, even if on a very small scale
    - what are the actions that would make sense to me personally on the long term

    On the other - maybe more importantly - I'm trying to figure out
    - what do I feel I want to do with my time?
    - what makes me feel good, what is emotionally fulfilling?
    - what am I doing right now that actually makes me feel bad on the long term?

    Sometimes I look at younger girls (18-25) on the street and always have the feeling that I missed out on something, because during that time I wasn't really lucky with girls. Now that I'm 32 I'm afraid it's no longer realistic to date girls that young, although at the same time I'm not totally sure about it, as it's not that unusual to see a young girl with a boyfriend 8-10 years older.

    This really bothers me right now, because I feel like when I'm 35, which will be soon, it's going to be too late for that. I sometimes feel like I have to make good for some things in my life. And now that I stopped PMO, I feel even more so.

    Can anyone relate?
  7. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 60

    2 months w/out P and M.

    feeling ok - not great, but ok. a lot of things got into motion in my life however.
  8. bozoso

    bozoso New Member

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Your story is inspiring. keep up the good fight.
  9. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 61

    Gotta break this randomness. Whenever I'm on autopilot I start to do random things, that don't get me anywhere.

    I will get back to building routines starting now.
    It's getting warmer outside - I'll go for a 30 minutes run now.
    Hope this will help get me started.

    bozoso, thank you - I will.

    True, definitely. I was actually thinking early twenties girls 20-23, if I'm honest. But I guess the same applies. Some are looking for guys of heir age, but some see it as normal or would even prefer guys in their early to mid 30s. Gotta keep that mindset.
  10. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 62

    Some urges in the morning upon waking up, I don't see that as a threat however.
    To me this isn't even about P at this time.
    It's about resisting the urge to M. Without M there is no P, so that's what I concentrate on.

    It's not even that hard to stay M free, right now. Occasionally there are some urges, yes, but it's not much of a problem.

    What's more important to me now is that I get more productive in my life and channel my energy into the right directions with focus and consistency.

    Getting clearer on what it is I want and what feels good emotionally - and going for it.
    I feel the "getting clearer" part is happening by itself to a large extent since I stopped P and M.

    The going for it part needs more effort and planning.
    I still have too much friction in my life, I want to become more efficient and determined.

    Again - Building the right routines and habits keeps coming up. I know the potential of these, I'm talking about it, but I'm not yet doing it sufficiently.

    Many of the "transformation experts" say that you need to build one habit at a time only, over a period of about 30 days.
    tackling more than one at the same time isn't going to work, according to them.

    So if I have to choose, it a no-brainer actually - it's exercise!
    jogging 3 times a week
    weight-lifting 3 times a week

    yesterday I went for a run already, so today it's weightlifting.
    I'll start right now, as I can do some of it at home, but I'll also check again if there's a gym around that's looking good.
  11. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 63

    Getting some triggers again. On Day 63!
    My inner addict made me check out who the current girl on one of my favourite series was for a second there.
    Not the actual scene, just what she looked like, dressed.

    "We'll just look at her face, my precious, yes? We just want to know if she's pretty..."

    Well, I'm sure my inner addict is of course just seeking knowledge for his information, just as he told me, with no bad intentions...... Not.

    What's interesting is that for the most part of the last 3 weeks I thought "well - looks like these triggers are gone, and if they come back, I'll just ignore them anyway." It's amazing to see how something like this happens after 2 months of being P and M free.

    Alright, what's next?

    I'm going to feel into my emotional state and write a list with my goals coming from that place.
    No goals other people may or may not want me to reach, but the ones that come from this deep place.

    Next I'll write a ToDo List based on these goals and start working it.
    I want to get things done today, I want to set a course and find a path I can walk on an everyday basis.

    I am on this path to some degree already - Now I need to keep refining it.
  12. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 64

    Generally speaking I can say that I feel much better now that I'm neither using P nor M.
    Of course issues are coming up and a lot of suppressed emotions keep arising - which are not that easy to deal with - yet when I think about the fact that I'm not looking at P whatsoever that makes me feel good.

    It's a great thing to not have this shadow in my life, this secret that I actually didn't want others to know.

    I'm off for a run in a few minutes.

    thanks and yes you are right, I guess I could view this not giving in to P and M a new habit on its own right.
    I'll try to adopt exercise as well and also to sort out a few things.

    Striking a balance between proactiveness and being laid-back is the goal here. I don't want the action part to turn into being hard on myself, as you say - on the other hand I don't want the laid-back part to turn into lazyness.
  13. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 65

    Gloomy Saturday.
    I'm feeling down. Read the following at your own risk.

    What's bothering me the most is that I don't really know for what reason I feel so down. It's just undefined, wishy-washy feelings of pain and maybe sadness. I can't even tell for sure what it is, let alone why I feel it. I don't think it's just because of the reboot and the screwed up dopamine balance, I'd rather think all of this is coming to the surface because the self-medication has stopped.

    Furthermore I have all kinds of negative thoughts.

    I have to think about missed chances in my life, how I should have made better use of time.
    how short a human life span is, how youth is gone before you even realize it.
    how we don't know anything at all, how we're all conditioned from our very young days on and how long it takes to free ourselves from even some of this conditioning.

    I don't _want_ to be negative, and I'm normally not like this. While I have some of these thoughts occasionally it hasn't been this intense for a long time.

    I'm trying to accept this unfortunate state of depression for now. I don't want to put resistance on top of resistance.
    I'm sure this will all be for something. I guess I have to walk through this shadowy lands for some time before I can feel better again.

    True, you're nailing the point again when you say we don't feel good when we're not productive. Unfortunately that is not what our reptile brain tells us. It care only about instant gratification, and we have to be strong enough to net lot it dictate our ways. Depression is even worse however - you don't care at all. I hope this state won't drag me down for too long.
  14. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 66

    I had an M slip this morning, upon waking up. I didn't even use my hand, and it didn't take long.

    I consider this a major warning. It wasn't a PMO slip, but it was MO.
    I have to make sure this doesn't escalate, so I'm trying to distract myself with every possible thing at my disposal; taking a walk, listening to a seminar and now I'm planning to even play a video game (haven't been doing that for some time).
    It maybe meaningless and not get me anywhere, but it's a capable distraction.

    On a positve note, I feel a little better than yesterday when I wrote that post-apocalyptic post.
    As other have written before me, I hope this single MO didn't set me back that much.

    True, thanks a lot for your comforting words!
  15. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 67

    Didn't sleep too well, waking up in the middle of the night. at least I was able to go to sleep again for a few hours.

    When I get up I notice it's basically always the same. I am disoriented, overwhelmed by the sheer number of possible tasks, while at the same reluctant to start with any of it. I'd rather start the day off with browsing the internet or youtube and procrastinating things again.

    When looking at some of the more career oriented tasks I could do, I even get anxiety, because they'd involve considerable engagement and also the risk of frustrations.
    It's interesting that I know so much about success-oriented behaviours, like building habits, setting productive routines into palce and being consistent, yet the emotional pull is so strong, I don't do it.
    I'm talking about rather intense feelings of anxiety and discomfort. I don't exactly know what it's about, but I'll sure talk about it with my therapist.
    Whenever I get to work and other people are involve, it's less of a problem, I just do what needs to be done.
    But when I'm alone and have a choice, I'm still evading the very things that would make me progress.

    Well, now that I've written this down, I feel like I may be able to tackle one task and then go for a run.

    Addiction-wise, there are no urges right now. But since yesterdays M slip all psychological security systems are up and running.
  16. What the frack

    What the frack New Member

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Anxiety and work is the thing I am wanting to improve the most. I have the very same feelings. I woke up with Anxiety today, I dread towards work and tasks and progression etc... I do a lot of wondering what my clients are thinking when I am in this. The cure to it really is to get up and just get it done, because what happens is, it's a struggle to get started but once you get going you are ok, do the day and you do feel great at the end because you have lifted the weight of the very thing you were feeling before you started. That's my experience anyway. Ignore your anxiety, stop thinking about stimulus, e.g. doing something else other than the thing you need to be doing, force yourself to do it, feel better at the end of the day, enjoy stimulus.

    I think this very thing was a massive major trigger for me, I would always reach for porn in this place. Guaranteed. Its part of the addiction. I work on it as much as not PMO'ing.
  17. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 68

    What the frack, your advise is sound. It's true whenever I start doing something, the feelings of anxiety wears off, first a little, and many cases it completely disappears.
    So, thanks for pointing that out again - I'll tackle a few tasks right now when I'm done writing this!

    As for progress in other areas - st least I'm starting to adopt my exercise routine, which is great and feels good - felt alright yesterday, and I think a lot of it had to do with the morning run.

    It's interesting, I also think these anxiety feelings I got when things needed to be done was also a major trigger for me. not anymore.

    Other than that there's a little flatline again, nothing to worry about.

    True, good to know I'm not alone with not getting enough sleep. We'll take care of that procrastination issue. I mean what is this, let's just do the things that need to be done and stop whining about it, right?
  18. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 69

    Well, what's still bothering me the most as I'm waking from this porn-induced coma, is - again - that I missed out on so many experiences and chances in my youth, just because I didn't want to get involved. Not going for the girls I wanted from a state of (sexual) power and not being engaged and clear enough about my career goals is what I resent the most. There would have been so much more potential for fulfilling experiences.

    Seeing now what I have done with so much clarity makes me quite sad to say the least. I didn't want to participate in life and I didn't know what was causing this lack of interest.

    I get another chance now, at 32 - and I will do better I am sure, but I feel like some things are gone for good and there's nothing I can do about it.

    I know I need to let go of my past, I know that being resentful won't me any good, I know how important living in the present is - but I have yet to find a way to come to terms with the fact I've not used and appreciated my time enough. I don't know how to fully accept this.
    I am just starting to become fully aware of what I've done and failed to do in my past, what this addiction has done to me, so I guess it's ok there's some resentment at this point. It would be unnatural if it wasn't so.

    I guess the best way to deal with it is to be as proactive about my aspirations as I can now, everyday. Not giving a damn about age differences in relationships, not giving a damn about how I could have done things much earlier in my career and stand up and act - now.

    As for the PM addiction, right now I'm fine.
    I find there are some urges in the morning more frequently, but nothing that's overwhelming. It feels healthy actually, like things returning to normal.

    I've been quite productive yesterday, doing quite a few things I had been procrastinating + I did some exercise.
    Today I already tackled some emails and other stuff in my career which I was quite anxious about - and still am now that I've sent these messages. But I guess the important thing is, i did it - no matter what comes out of it.
  19. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    Day 70

    Today I reach my next personal goal: 40 days of cooldown + 30/90 days rebooting. Next goal is a 100 days!
    I know these are just numbers, but they sometimes really help me to stay motivated.

    True, thanks for your advise.
    I'm trying to accept my I missed a lot of opportunities in my past and that didn't participate in life nearly as much as I could have.
    I think it's important however to acknowledge these regrets when they come up, that's why I write about these here - it is part of the therapeutic process. It's also important, as you say, to not keep dwelling in these thoughts.

    As for the misery addiction, I am not sure if this is something I am guilty of. I'm not even sure if there really is such a thing as "misery addiction" in the sense that there is alcohol addiction or sex addiction.
    I think if you're in misery there's always a deeper reason for that, sometimes it may of course be something you're doing to sabotage yourself, but often times it will be something painful you have experienced in your past, maybe long ago even, that is now showing up as emotional pain. If that's the case it may be not so useful to just "surf" the negative thoughts as they arise, but rather to take a close look on what it was that has happened to you in the past.

    In my opinion if you just surf negative thoughts you risk pushing unresolved emotions into your unconscious. this is how different kind of neurosis and anxiety is generated; the suppressed emotion finds another way to the surface taking on another appearance. This is what has happened to people who are incongruent, a psychological state that's quite common these days. They're saying and acting one way, but you can feel there's something not quite in tune.

    So, while I agree with you that sometimes it can be very useful to just surf negative thoughts, I'd encourage you to also take a closer look on the other aspect of the misery - for what it wants to show you.
  20. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Re: unleashing the real me

    True, just to clairfy - I always very much appreciate your input and your wisdom as I've said many times before.

    I just wanted to make clear that I don't necessarily consider the gloomy feelings and depressions that comes up an addiction by itself - that's all.
    I agree with what you're saying in your post, and I think we're in general very much on the same page in this issue.

    Day 71

    Thinking, Planning and Activated.
    I want the best life has to offer me, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

    Something tells me I should go abroad for some time, or at least travel before I eventually do so.
    I still have the plan to visit Japan during the summer, which I'm currently saving money for.

    I want to meet and connect with more interesting people in my life. I have a few good and interesting friends, who are passionate about their lifes; but I'd like to be connected to even more people of that kind.

    I'd like to consistently evolve into a more capable and man on many different levels.
    This requires planing and action in different departments; training, nutrition, finances, socialising, practice.

    I think it was Napoleon Hill's Book "Think and grow rich" where he talked about cultivating a "sense of urgency".
    This implies consistent action, as well as getting accustomed to doing things right now, with a sense purpose and direction
    this habit of procrastinating things needs to stop right now.

    Now this "urgency" should of course never turn into stress, but this mindset could support me in making progress in the different areas I mentioned faster.

    Now is the time to stand up and do something in order to achieve the things I want in life!

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