Unlearning how to be a slave

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by apoyan, Apr 16, 2016.

  1. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Yeah, P is a totally unhealthy way of sexual expression. It sucks that we can't go from P to a healthy relationship and good sex in a matter of days. But it is a long process. Must keep the hope alive. We will get there. A lot later than we all want. But better to eventually arrive than never. Right?
  2. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Thanks, NoDestination! That seems very true. This is a long process and it's about much more than just porn. We are all healing.

    In the past few days I looked up some sex therapists, and yesterday gave two of them a call. Hopefully can get something set up.
  3. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Just checking in, haven't posted in a while. Things are going well overall -- will try to write more some time soon.
    100DaysMission likes this.
  4. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Well, I PMO’d again. After 10 months of not watching pornography, of not masturbating or having any orgasms at all, I’ve done it several times. Specifically, twice the weekend before last, twice last weekend, and four times the day before yesterday into yesterday.

    Despite my referencing my abstinent period, I don’t really believe in streaks. That is, I don’t think that by doing it I’ve gone all the way back to 10 months ago when I was doing it regularly. That’s also why I hesitate to use the term “relapse”.

    Because I don’t think things have gone all the way back. It may be an illusion, but I think the progress I made over the past 10 months is still there, and hasn’t been totally washed away. I even notice it as I’ve PMO’d -- in each case recently, I had to put the pornography away before I actually had an orgasm. That’s never happened before.

    So I somehow think I’m still just barely in control, that I haven’t lost it 100%. That’s almost certainly a dangerous thought though, even if it’s true.

    I thought of posting here soon after the first couple times a week and a half ago, but I wanted to wait till some time went by, so I could feel like things had settled down. I felt embarrassed to say this happened, but also foolish to cry out in the midst of it for some reason. Now it feels like the storm has passed, but on the other had it clearly isn’t a one-off so I might as well come clean and at least be accountable.

    I have thought about the “why” of this, but that isn’t so interesting to me because I’ve often observed that you can PMO for any reason. You first decide you’re going to do it, then you come up with the justification/rationale. I’ve had two long, difficult phone conversations with my wife recently, and it sounds like things may actually be heading for separation. Also, a few days ago I finally went to see a sex therapist for the first time. Those are a few stressors that have been present recently. But the very first PMO episode happened before those things; I can’t say they caused it, even if this all feels more than just coincidental.

    What I do know, is that I saw little warning signs coming along. Mostly, I saw that my self-care was slowly getting compromised. I never got into a regular meditation routine, but I had entirely stopped. I had been exercising regularly, but now that I live in a snowy, wintry area that eventually stopped 2-3 months ago. I was taking cold showers every day, which was very helpful, but the water here became cold enough to make my body go numb, so I started taking warm showers (although I still turn the hot water off at the end -- that hasn’t completely gone away either). I was getting up at 5am every day without snoozing, but I started to snooze and get up later. And my diet kept getting worse. So in that sense I’m not surprised that I eventually watched pornography again too.

    So. Let me reiterate what I said in the very first post of my journal. I’m absolutely determined to make a permanent change in my life. I am going to continue on a path toward health.
  5. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Checking in. I think it's best if I try to post something regularly for now if I can, given this recent rough patch.

    As quickly as the storm blew in, it seems to have gone -- again, if it has. Too soon to say, for now.

    One of the things that's particularly dismaying about doing it several times earlier this week is that I had several unexpected days of vacation this week. After all this time, to fall back into watching pornography when I have some time off...? Is it really that inevitable after so much time away? Again, maybe not a perfect cause-and-effect relation but also not a coincidence.
    cjm likes this.
  6. Hey man, I hear you on the situation you went through, about having struggles and going back after 10 months and worrying about going back to zero, etc. One thing you wrote in particuliar stood out to me.

    "So I somehow think I’m still just barely in control, that I haven’t lost it 100%. That’s almost certainly a dangerous thought though, even if it’s true."

    This is a very important thought and very healthy. I believe that in each step of the recovery we have a certain level of strength that will carry us toward a level of recovery. Sometimes we only have strength to make it two weeks, sometimes two months, etc. Each time we get to those streaks it sort of creates a foundation of streaks. Which can be incredibly frustrating because like me and you who had wonderful long streaks end, it's like "dam I don't want to go through all that bullshit again.....maybe I'm cured let me just peak at porn or jerk off and then we spiral backwards.

    So I am with you. I am back on here and am going to post daily because I know I have a problem that is not easily fixed and I need a lot of support and I need to stay vigiliant. I feel that the reason people can fail at the end of long streaks is that when you heal you enter into a new life, into the unknown, and that is dreadfully exciting but also scary. So what do we do when we are scared? We hide in porn, masturbation and depression. I am hoping this time I do not do that. I am INCREDIBLY nervous about living a full, emotional and real life, it is something that I have never done before but it seems like most successful people are doing it so I am going to give it a try. It is going to be uncomfortable but change is uncomfortable and things will get better eventually.

    I hope my ramblings helped you, here's hoping for a PMO and MO free future for both of us.
  7. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Thanks so much Gettingbetter33! That was wonderful, I so appreciate you sharing your thoughts. It means a lot.
  8. You are welcome man! Glad it had an impact, it was cathartic for me to write so it went both ways.
  9. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Checking in again. Here's to "a PMO and MO free future", as Gettingbetter33 said.
  10. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Checking in again. Nothing much to report... boring is good.
    100DaysMission likes this.
  11. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    It's been a while, things are going pretty well overall. Still some struggles of course, but I think better in some ways than when I checked in last. I'll write something more when I have time.
  12. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Checking in again. Things have been going pretty well.
    The Tiger likes this.
  13. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Hi all, haven't logged in for a bit, but things have been going well overall. Work has been quite busy. I'd like to write some more one of these days soon, I'm feeling better about things than earlier in the spring.

    Take care, hope folks are well.
  14. apoyan

    apoyan Member

    Boy am I tired of that.

Share This Page