Understanding love - Leaving porn behind

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Tobryn, Dec 5, 2021.

  1. Tobryn

    Tobryn New Member

    Hey all, I'm 29 years old and like most of you, I've been using porn since I was a kid. I started around 13 and it escalated every year until today. I've had some good periods and some bad periods, times where I've managed to stay away for months at a time, and other times where I've gotten so sucked into my fetish that I've done stuff that I've later really regretted.

    Full disclosure, I've become addicted to sissy porn. I've recently begun really working on figuring out the trauma that underlies this particular fetish. I've had a lot of experiences through childhood that definitely have pushed me in this direction, such as my father becoming flamboyantly gay and leaving my family when I was seven years old, being pressured as a young boy to perform oral sex on other older boys living in my street, growing up with a highly critical single mother, and of course spending much of my adolescence in front of a computer screen in my room, severely affecting my ability to connect to others in any meaningful way.

    I'm ready to leave all this behind. I've come to realize that, in my case at least, I've been working from a place of fear, of avoidance, of thinking that if I just manage to stay away from porn long enough I'll be okay. Although I think this goal is really healthy and powerful in and of itself, I've found that even in the periods where I've managed to stay away from porn for months at a time, I still find myself triggered to go back to it in the end.

    That's why I think working on my awareness of what is actually going on under the surface is crucial to further progress, especially because the more years pass, and the more often I fall back into the old patterns, the more despairing I become. Finding myself back where I started after months of progress is even more depressing than not being able to stay away from porn at all.

    Something needs to change, and I think writing on this forum will help with that.
     

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