uncontrolable relapse

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Healed7, Dec 1, 2016.

  1. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    I have been on this healing journey for a little over 3 years. I have been able to stay off porn several times for at least 3 months the maximum about 6 months. Unfortunately the last 4 months have been a menace. I am able to stay off for about 3 weeks and find myself right back where I started.
    I am finally posting a shout for help because things are getting out of hand. I just got done binging for almost 4 hours straight and am literally scared. I feel like everything is tumbling down with no hope. If anyone has been in my situation please help
  2. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Healed,


    This used to be my story for years. Desperation to get of the treadmill. And jumping back on it over and over again with no end in sight...

    The journals on here have been my biggest help in breaking the cycle. Journaling myself and reading the stories of other people on here. This place is always available and there is always a listening ear. All of us here have been in a similar situation to yours.

    We all have a different journey to get of the PMO bandwagon. We all have our own rythm in doing this too.

    And you can too.

    My journey went a bit like this.

    I realised that it was a life or death situation, I considered myself quite dead as a porn wraith.
    That gave me the determination to face whatever came my way to break the addiction.
    A honeymoon first couple of weeks, then after that an emotional rollercoaster, bad sleep, withdrawal symptoms that started to wear off around day 60 of no PMO. I set up a good support network of friends and psychologists.
    I made lists of things to do to learn to respect myself etc. this was guided by the book No More Mr Nice Guy.
    And I posted on here and read journals or worked on my lists whenever urges came along. Cold showers are another usefull tool.
    I had to learn and am still learning to deal with my emotional life that was completely clogged up by the PMO. (stress, porn, anxiety, porn, tired, porn etc...) Now I try to sleep when I am tired, lol.

    Again lots of people on here getting through this, and you can do too. Think of it as a project. Projects require strategic thinking, planning, preparation, contingency plans etc...

    And the most exciting part is that the benefits of dealing with this habit are amazing! It feels really good to be able to look anyone in the eye without feeling shame, I just discovered this a couple of days ago.

    Hope this helps!

    Billy B. likes this.
  3. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    I have only just started this journey, (just shy of three months in my reboot) so I don't have much advice. I can say that I was scared too. I had been binging multiple times a day for a couple of months and realized my hold on any semblance of a normal life was slipping away. You are far from alone.

    I am assuming you know most of the general info, but for me getting educated and having a plan has been helpful. Reading other journals gave me hope and courage to really go for it.

    Another thing I have found helpful is focusing on some other lifestyle changes beyond the porn addiction. In my case, I had created a lifestyle and environment that was fertile soil for the addiction to grow. That is what I am really focusing on now. I am afraid of a relapse. I was in a really bad place and I don't want to go back. So I am changing a lot of my old patterns, not just eliminating porn, but replacing it with other more healthy behaviors.
    Billy B. likes this.
  4. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    Thanks a lot Bobjes. It means a lot that you took your time to respond. One thing I don't have is a plan. I think that is why I go for months staying clean and totally put my guards down and assume that I have overcome them all over a sudden I fall down hard. This time around I am taking it really hard and I am affecting everyone around me very negatively (my kids and wife).
  5. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    Thank you Jam.
    I agree with you that I have to pick up a lifestyle change. It made me think when you said that. I literally wake up every day without a plan. I have accomplished a lot but I know that I have left so many things unfinished because of this addiction.
  6. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    All relapses, at the time, are uncontrollable. (I, too, have been here three years. Had my fair share of relapses.)

    I'm afraid to say it, but they are also unavoidable if you don't have a plan. It doesn't have to be some grand life vision - which are probably more useful to younger guys - but you need to get active and learn new skills and build a new you.

    I know this is a horrible recovery cliche, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. In other words, just cutting porn out of your life is not enough. We are all on a journey of building emotional control - that way we won't ever feel the need to hide from the world in a porn binge.

    Another thing that helps is self-forgiveness, and telling yourself not to fear relapses or porn. That doesn't mean it's OK, just don't worry about it, if that makes sense. This takes away porn's power over you as you reboot.
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    I agree 100%

    When you relapse, don't forget that each time you do pmo, or have any kind of compulsive sex you cause damage.
    Relapsing by having a quick mo is very different from relapsing over three weeks with several pmo binges that last for hours. The latter destroys most or all of the neurological benefit you'd gained from staying sober.
    Setting up beforehand a kind of 'emergency plan' to stop a slip from getting out of hand can prove helpful. Cause "in the heat of the battle" you get confused very fast, and become unable to act adequately.
    Take care
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2016
    Billy B. likes this.
  8. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    It seems to me that you have two issues going on. The first is another reboot. Since this is my first I don't know the dynamics of starting again when you have already done it several times. But there is a ton of info on specifics to get you out to 90 days clean and beyond.

    The second issue seems to be figuring out long-term lifestyle change. Figuring out what leads to these relapses after being clean. I don't know about a grand life plan, but it sounds like there are issues beneath the porn that need to be addressed.

    Standing with you.
  9. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    The last statement "to not beat myself about it" resonates with me. I used to beat myself up for days but this forum has taught me to keep going on with life even when it is painful and difficult.
    I know it is only 2 days since I last acted out but I have a plan in place. One of the simple and important one is to be here reading and participating in the forum

    Have a good weekend wabi-sabi
    Billy B. likes this.
  10. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    Things are going well so far. I had a fight with my woman and my brother. Two of the most important people in my life. I am attributing this to lack of control because of my recent relapse. But I am moving on. I am encouraged by what I am reading here
    Billy B. likes this.
  11. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Hi Healed7. Emotional turmoil is expected. At least it is what I have experienced during my few weeks of rebooting. Moments of extreme irritation, depression, anxiousness etc. It's like the emotions that have been supressed with pmo are starting to surface. It is a good sign. A sign that our brains are starting to rebalance after pmo abuse.

    No matter what, just keep going.
    Billy B. likes this.
  12. I also managed to stay off porn several times (my maximum was 5 months) and now almost every day end up using it.
    However, something very important changed in me with these reboots. I don't binge anymore ... I can't remember the last time I spent more than a few mintues with porn. I have a plan, I have lots of things I want to do/learn ... and I don't want to waste my time with improductive things like using porn, watching stupid shows on TV and so on.

    Keep strong in your decision and determination. It's not about quitting porn, it's about living a healthy and productive life. Porn is only one of the multiple ways we have in our modern society of wasting time and doing nothing.
    Billy B. likes this.
  13. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    I don't know how to deal with emotions that involves fighting with people. But one things I know is that a min of the worst day when you are free is better that many days when in porn
    Billy B. likes this.
  14. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    Thanks inprogress. I remember the days I used to habitually watch porn in the past when it wasn't always a binge. My binges now come because of staying off for at least 10 days. I was journal, when I looked back I realized that the struggle and temptation come after 10 days
  15. Try not to worry too much and don't get anxious. If you can't resist the temptation, try at least not to binge.
    A "perfect score" without feeling at peace with yourself .. in my opinion ... it's not worth it.
    Billy B. likes this.
  16. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    it's scary how insidious porn holds men. Your progress has been amazing at time. What small decisions along the way got you you 6 months?
    Billy B. likes this.
  17. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    Your question and pointing out that my progress has been good has actually made me realize that this journey hasn't been doom and gloom. I get too self critical and take setbacks too hard and forget about the progress that I have made so far.
    I will say that the reason why I made it six months and a few 3, 4 months is because I was accountable to others guys in a group I used to attend that I am not able to because of my work schedule.
    Billy B. likes this.
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    And now you're here with us, Healed!

    And welcome. :)

    Sounds like you have some successful experiences to draw on, lot's of rehearsals.

    And with the support of these guys...

    Readin' alla the feedback and welcoming here caused me to feel extremely grateful for, and proud to be a part of, this special place.

    Deep Breaths, Cobber.

    Roll On.

    We're standin' withya.
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016
  19. Webdeveloper

    Webdeveloper Member

    Accountability is a form of awareness. As addicts, our awareness is skewed on some issues, attitudes and behaviours.
    Addicts need accountability.
  20. Healed7

    Healed7 Member

    I am out of town. I'm alone in a hotel for the next 4 nights. I'm already feeling alone and it is possible that I can slip up, I need you brothers

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