tymbles' tumbles (51)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by tymbles, Apr 7, 2012.

  1. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Hello, I'm tymbles. I'm 20 years old and have been PMOing since I was 12 or so. Things started off pretty innocently, but like all porn addicts my tastes distorted over time. I have always been ashamed of my habit, but things didn't really come into focus for me until I found YBOP about half a year ago.
    The escalation, the lack of desire to socialise... it all made sense.

    I realised that I was numbing my brain, warping my view of women and ultimately, using PMO to allow me emotionally check out and ignore my problems. I decided to try noPMO, but for whatever reason my resolve fizzled quickly. I made it only 14 days, and afterwards I pretty much forgot about the whole thing. Around Christmas time I got serious. I convinced a friend to try it with me, and I went no PMO for 77 days, but following an accidental O (embarassing...) I relapsed.

    The accidental O was unfortunate, but I believe that I would have relapsed even without it. I had been allowing myself to get depressed and spiral, and in my world, there's no better band-aid for depression than PMO (or so my brain would have me believe). I've been off the wagon for a few weeks now and I'm struggling to get back on it. Hence, I came here. My mood is rock bottom right now, which is making it harder for me, but it's no excuse. I have to get serious and get away from PMO. It is truly toxic.

    I don't believe that I'll ever get to a point where I can MO safely. My goal is to abstain for life, and my battle starts anew tomorrow.
    I appreciate any and all support, and will try to support others to the best of my ability.
     
  2. Ben

    Ben New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles

    Thanks for sharing your story. There are a lot of dudes here who are about your age, with the same problem.

    For me, just coming here and reading everyone's stories has been huge.
     
  3. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles

    Hi tymbles. Out of curiosity, what happened to your friend who was rebooting with you? Anyway, you shoudl just read as much of this forum as you can, because you'll find a lot of people are giving out invaluable wisdom for free.
     
  4. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles

    Thanks for the kind words guys. Managed to abstain yesterday, so I guess that would make today Day 2. I guess I'm feeling hopeful.

    My friend has had a couple of stumbles himself but mostly it's going well, it turned out that P wasn't really a huge issue for him, and it was more Fantasy/MO that was his poison. He is having some positive experiences with a girl which I think is helping his brain to come off bad dopamine and come onto good dopamine. It's definitely helped to be going through this with a friend, and I imagine it's a benefit that not a lot of recovering addicts will have. I guess that's what this forum is for.
     
  5. darkknight3313

    darkknight3313 New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles

    Did you notice many changes with your first attempts at abstaining?
     
  6. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [3 days since last accident]

    @ darkknight3313: I definitely felt more comfortable in myself, and felt less shame. I felt better for not doing it, and felt empowered by the fact that I was changing something in my life. The time and energy I freed up meant I spent more time reading and on other positive hobbies, but to be honest I didn't feel any real magical benefits like those others have described. Unfortunately, I'm in a position right now where I very rarely get to socialise (have been unemployed and looking for work for a year, all my friends are at university), so I didn't really get to test myself. Being stuck alone in the house 24/7 makes for a challenging reboot.



    I came too close for comfort last night, but I managed to drag myself away before I looked at any. Day 3! Mostly I'm just feeling sleepy today. Last night's sleep was AMAZING. One of those mornings where you wake up and you feel like someone has turned the gravity up overnight. Rollover, Zzz, Rollover, Zzz...Slept in for 2 hours.

    Going to start leaving my curtains drawn and door open through the night like I did during my last attempt. Less likely to do something dumb.
     
  7. tpc_uk

    tpc_uk New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [3 days since last accident]

    You would think that those who are unemployed should have an easier time with the reboot because of less stress etc. However I think it makes it more difficult due to the extra free time to do what you want, and being by yourself all day. These are major triggers.
     
  8. wayne_992

    wayne_992 New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [3 days since last accident]

    yes the unemployed have it the hardest , mainly cause sometimes they have nothing to do and can have a relapse at any time. That always happened to me , but now im working so its real easy to stay on track, cause now i have other things to put my mind on
     
  9. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [6 days since last accident]

    Thanks for the kind words, guys.

    Having so much free time definitely presents problems, but it also means that I'm not under any stress most the time, so I guess it's kind of a double edged sword.

    Today is day 5. For an unemployed person I've been pretty busy over the past few days. Volunteering yesterday and the day before that, big interview this morning and driving lesson later today. Being unemployed used to be so much more chilled. Anyway, being busy has made it a lot easier for me to abstain the past few days, so I'm grateful for that. Feeling better just for knowing I'm back on the right track. Helped sure up my friend's resolve to get back on the reboot too. Good stuff.

    Update: It seems like I'm not I might not be unemployed any more, which is could be pretty awesome. Unless it falls through, I should could be starting work in a few weeks.



    Today makes day 6. Nothing to do today, but it's kind of nice to unwind after the past few days. Managing urges pretty well recently. Making it easier on myself by dismissing thoughts as soon as they arrive and not allowing my brain to linger on it for any time.
     
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [6 days since last accident]

    Glad to hear about the possible job situation! As others have said, unemployment makes it more difficult. I just had 5 days off for Easter and the boredom was almost unbearable. I was unemployed during the first four weeks of my reboot, and thinking back, I'm not sure how I managed...
     
  11. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [7 days since last accident]

    @ Eternity & CleanHands: Thanks! The Job is looking like more and more of a sure thing, but I don't want to get ahead of myself only to get let down, so I'm remaining cautiously optimistic. I've been unable to get a job for a whole year due to a lack of experience. If I have landed this one it would be a huge thing for me.

    @ CleanHands: Oh yeah, I always forget to talk about benefits, thanks for reminding me! The main reason I pulled out of my three week relapse was because I realised how low my mood had dipped. Real low. Over the past week my mood has been much more stable, I haven't been depressed and there hasn't been any negative self-talk running through my head. I feel cleaner, clearer and calmer.

    This morning it is day 7. One week. I came in drunk last night and my resolve nearly faltered. Fortunately my defences gave me the few moments necessary to go 'wait, no, I don't want this' and so I just went to bed. Another day of relative boredom lies ahead, but I'll find something to do.
     
  12. wayne_992

    wayne_992 New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [7 days since last accident]

    Your doing good tymbles, good to see you had restraint even in that state, that shows some power
     
  13. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [9 days since last accident]

    Thanks, Joey!

    Today was day 9, and it was a good day. Was working the first day of a two day job. Can't explain how great it is to have something that filled my day. Got along well with my colleagues, was completely free of any negative self-talk or insecurities, and I'm getting to that point in the reboot where I start noticing women more. Good day.
     
  14. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [10 days since last accident]

    Thanks for the nice comment, CleanHands.

    Today is day 10 and man have I been bored today. Struggling with some pretty heavy urges right now. It's really amazing how my brain attempts to dissolve my resolve in order to get that dopamine kick. Quite honestly I really want to look at P right now, but if I can make it through the night tomorrow should be easier as I'll be working.
     
  15. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [10 days since last accident]

    Hm, being bored is very, very dangerous, at least for me, what about doing some kind of sport to keep you busy?

    btw: love your counter, where did you found it?
     
  16. wayne_992

    wayne_992 New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [10 days since last accident]

    ys being bored leads to relapses most of the times, never let your guard down , cause it can creep up on you instantly .
     
  17. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [0 days since last accident]

    Today would be day 12, but I relapsed this morning. I'm pretty peeved at myself but I'm not going to make the mistake of wallowing or justifying further relapses because of it, I'll just try again. I can make any excuses but what annoys me most is what the decision to allow myself to relapse says about me, and about my commitment to improving. It's like I don't even value myself, if I did, why would I do something that I know is harmful to myself? Will have my guard strongly up against the chaser effect. It's day 0 today.

    @Jünther Thanks, my counter is just lines like this one | with a strike through it to make it look like a 5.
     
  18. Henk

    Henk New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [6 days since last accident]

    Yes, it was, but I promise you that the chilliness was a result of a PMO addiction.

    If you quit PMO long enough, you will find a really strong urge to socialize, to be part of and contribute to the society.

    Internet gets very very boring.
     
  19. mork

    mork New Member

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [0 days since last accident]

    I relapsed today as well.. I only went 2 days! Im not sure how many time's I've TRIED to reboot but I've never been further than 2 weeks without it.

    Definetly do not get down on yourself, that is what the PMO addiction thrives on. You can't justify it either..which is a kind-of fine line to walk. Just try to recognize exactly what the trigger was, and how you can prevent it.

    I used to think my triggers were stress, boredom, anger, etc.. then I realized there is only ONE true trigger for me. Being home and alone. Those two are enough to turn the littlest thought of "she's pretty" into "time to google her!"

    Something I tried in the past that helped me was forcing myself to think about the woman I was looking at for stimulation. I would think about her thoughts, feelings, ambitions and then try to relate her to someone in my life...like my wife, a friend, or relative. I could see that the girl in the video/picture for whom she was...not caring of if I JO, in fact completely disinterested in my sexual gratification. It's kind of a goofy method, but it's definetly worked.
     
  20. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Re: tymbles' tumbles [1 days since last accident]

    @ Henk: Very true, having such a lax schedule is definitely more of an enemy than a friend.

    @ Mork: One of my biggest problems is that I'm home and alone for 90% of my day, 24/7, and it's been that way for a year. You're absolutely right when you say that PMO thrives on self-pity. It's a vicious cycle, and it's one that I intend not to be caught up in this time.

    @ CleanHands: Thanks for the comment, hopefully I'll be able to practice what I preach. :)

    It's day 1 today, and boy do I feel terrible. I had an awful nights sleep, couldn't drag myself out of bed or 'brain fog' in the morning and just generally feel really sick and lethargic today. It's like this every time. When I relapsed for three weeks solid I felt like this the whole damn time. Doing this to myself is like self harm, it always has been. A relapse happens when I give up on myself. When I say 'fuck it' what I'm really saying is 'fuck me, and everything I care about, dream and stand for'.



    Day 2. Slept better, but still had crazy lethargy this morning. Was invited out last night but I wasn't feeling it. I really can't stand clubs anyhow. Just looking forward to being well into the reboot again. Update: SO BORED today. SO BORED. Being extra careful.
     

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