Turns out third time was the charm

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by A New Man, Jan 9, 2013.

  1. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013


    1. [Brighter Colors] UNLOCKED!
    2. [Real Tears] UNLOCKED!
    3. [Belly Laugh] UNLOCKED!
    4. [Eye Contact] UNLOCKED!
    5. [Morning Wood] UNLOCKED!
    6. [Night Wood] UNLOCKED!
    7. [Taste Boost] UNLOCKED!
    8. [PIV] UNLOCKED!
    9. [Wet Dreams] UNLOCKED!
    10. [Lucid Dreams] UNLOCKED!
    11. [Creativity Boost] UNLOCKED!
    12. [Fully Present] UNLOCKED!
    13. [Kavorka] UNLOCKED!

    14. [LOCKED]
    15. [LOCKED]


    I am 40 y/o, married, been PMOing since discovering my dad's P stash at the age of 14. I started this journey almost 18 months ago and have relapsed 2 times.

    The first reboot I got to 50 days before succumbing to porn-inspired fantasy and eventual PMO. By Day 40 my libido had returned, but was hijacked by the old pathways. I think my brain just didn't know what to do with all the returning sexual energy. The first reboot gave me a glimpse of what life can be like without porn- regular morning wood, increased mental clarity, improved EQ, best sex with SO in years... i was feeling so good i thought i could go back to P for some "spice". Just a quick look. No M, no O. Ha! Just looking at soft P was a huge rush (dopamine spike) and before i knew it i was on the other side of a PMO session and on a major downer. At least it didn't turn into a full binge.

    The challenge this time will be channeling my returning libido in healthy directions and not succumbing to fantasy or "celebrating" by returning to old habits.

    I wish i'd kept a diary last time because someone might have said something or warned me off. Still, the relapse taught me that it's not just P but fantasy itself that is the root of my problem.
  2. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Re: Day 50 Relapse :(

    Fantasy is a real troublemaker.
  3. brodz

    brodz New Member

    Re: Day 50 Relapse :(

    I'd also had a relapse about day 50. Within 4 weeks I'd been getting better, but then my energy levels dropped and my sexual desires got out of control. A more experienced mate answered my post about that and told it's just my brain urges for dopamine. This time I'm more confident. I'll be more careful with my fantasies, I know it's the source of our problems.
    I think before I got addicted at 16 years old, I'd been ready to get addicted as soon as I get internet access, because of the way I fantasized on my youth.
  4. chewvak

    chewvak Guest

    Re: Day 50 Relapse :(

    50 days is pretty amazing! Celebrate the win and try again.
  5. Ramd

    Ramd Truthseeker

    Re: Day 50 Relapse :(

    First of all, congrats on the 50 days! I do agree with others here that fantasy will take you down. I just recently ended a similar streak (70 days) ..... my demise went something like this: started with 35 days completely clean and felt awesome, then started letting in visual fantasy about ex's, then would sneak in a few soft internet photos with some fantasy, then started sneaking in more graphic softcore stuff, then PMO. I saw it coming too, but kept trying to justify it. I had another MO session the next day but have been clean now for about a week. Like so many others have shared, this is not a linear process. I learned a lot from the first 70 days and will integrate that into where I am at currently. My goal is no PMO in my future. You are doing great, keep it going!
  6. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Third time's the charm

    Thanks for the replies and support!

    I'm not looking at hitting a specific number of days this time round. Just no more PMO. Ever. It's asking for trouble IMO setting deadlines that the addiction can hijack by offering "rewards" or which can give you the illusion of being "cured" (my mistake last time). Deadlines make sense in the early days, which can be very difficult and pass very slowly, but they can be counter-productive when you start hitting decent numbers (30+ days).

    This reboot is going great so far. Fantasy is well under control. I am quashing it as soon as it appears. The only ones i'm letting through are fantasies about my SO. These are very nice and more about intimacy than doing the nasty. Such fantasies have got to be healthy- i'll just have to be careful they don't morph into something else (SO+1 kind of thing). Morning wood is back and pretty hard (heh) to ignore. No sex as yet, but given the sorry state of our sex life, SO has probably not even noticed. Rather than telling her what i'm doing (which is a real Pandora's box if you ask me) i plan to let the improvement speak for itself.

    Less P flashbacks this reboot, which is AWESOME (those neural pathways took a beating during the last 50 days of abstinence). Mood-wise i'm about 6/10. Prior to giving up PMO i was always about 4/10, except for when i was PMOing (which would get me to 8/10 for a while). Sitting at 6/10 means I miss the 8/10 highs, but overall it's much better. Hopefully my baseline happiness keeps improving.

    Another thing i've noticed this time round is less negative self-talk and less negative thoughts about others. I think this has a lot to do with feeling less shame and not having my mind filled with soulless/demeaning imagery. Other people can sense it, i'm sure. More people are talking to me in public and women seem to be checking me out more. I'm pretty average-looking, so there must be something else going on (my pheromone levels are probably off the charts anyway).

    Last time i came to YBOP i had some pretty fucked up PMO dreams that night so i'm not checking in that much. I'm busy doing other stuff (getting ahead on work, hobbies, hanging with my family), i.e., having a life. I've wasted enough time already.

    Stay strong all!
  7. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Third time's the charm

    38 days in and just entered a rough patch. It was around this time during my last reboot that fantasy started intruding and i derailed. Last week was extra tough because i got flu and my glands were aching like crazy, especially my balls. I used to PMO for distraction and comfort when sick but somehow managed to hold off. I've been replacing P with comedies and documentaries this time round. It's worked so far. I find I'm laughing harder these days (laughed so hard yesterday that i cried- it's been years since that happened) and I'm concentrating better thanks to no PMO.

    Last night the old subconscious played some serious P imagery though. Woke up as horny as hell wanting nothing more than to f*k or PMO. If SO wasn't all dressed up and ready to leave i would have jumped her. As it was she just kicked my ass out of bed... My subconscious is like a cornered beast at the moment. The dream was so vivid I felt quite guilty when i got up, as if i'd relapsed somehow. The previous morning we'd had the chance to sex, but Mr Johnson was not cooperating (i M'ed surreptitiously to see if anything was doing and only got a semi... F U, P-addled brain).

    I keep telling myself that no matter what I achieve or how I feel on any given day, every day that I don't PMO is an achievement and a good day regardless. Also, i remind myself that any line of reasoning that ends with "...and so I can watch porn now" is just the addiction calling. It is a sly beast and must be watched carefully.

    I want this so bad this time. So much is at stake, I cannot afford to fuck it up.

    Stay strong fellows.
  8. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Third time's the charm

    Today is the anniversary of my first relapse (Day 50). Overall i'm in a much better place than i was at this point last time. Had sex this morning with SO for the first time this reboot. It wasn't a celebration (she doesn't know about the reboot), it's just we both had a good night's sleep for once and felt like doing it. I got hard with minimal manipulation and stayed hard for 10 minutes. Neither of us O'ed- I have to admit i tried fantasizing at one point to get to O but it didn't work at all...my fantasy "muscle" has seriously atrophied over the last 50 days. Instead i was drawn back into the present and was able to enjoy my wife without those thoughts intruding. I've always used fantasy to some degree, even in the early days, so this is new territory for me.

    Libido-wise i'm still in a bit of a flatline. Morning wood is intermittent (2-3 times a week) but it gives me hope that everything is still working down there- my mind just needs time to heal.

    I have no doubt that i'll be writing a success story in 40 days' time. My motivations are, in order of importance:

    1) Fear of losing my marriage
    2) Fear of my kids discovering my porn habit
    3) Tired of porn determining my career choices (i.e. will this new job give me time and opportunity to PMO?)

    The first 2 possibilities scare the shit out of me and quickly overwhelm any urges that i have to PMO... If i can avoid them, all the other stuff, the great sex, the mental improvement, the extra time, will be icing on the cake.

    Anyway thanks for reading. May the Force be with you.
  9. FixItMan

    FixItMan Member

    Re: Day 50 Relapse :(

    Great to hear success stories. I think the thing that is tougher than giving up porn or even masturbation is giving it up under times of stress. Whether it be work, relationship or anything. Sex is no doubt a stress reliever and PMO relieves the stress, but cripples the brain to erect penis relationship. My PIED happened during a lengthy bought of unemployment. Talk about stress!

    I was fine 7 years ago. But within the last 3 years. I fell apart. The unemployment years. PMO were constant. It's a struggle indeed.

    But one I plan to overcome.
  10. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Third time's the charm

    I'm going ok, urges have really declined lately. Some days PMO doesn't even cross my radar. Still, there are moments when i have to exert serious willpower, when i'm sick or stumble across something that fires up the old pathways. Today i found myself looking at an old Carry On movie on youtube. I thought it was innocent enough, but before i knew it i was fast-forwarding through the vid to find the saucy bits. I shut the tab after about 15 seconds. I'm not counting it as a relapse, but it was a close call.

    Function-wise things are looking good. I've had strong morning wood or night wood 5 nights out of 6 this week. Libido-wise things are looking up (probably what drove me to youtube today). I've seen some AMAZING women in public recently. In the past i would have noticed them but these days they really take my breath away. I also seem to be getting more attention from the ladies. I'd like to think it's animal magnetism but it's probably just my blue balls making me walk funny.

    Reading over this journal i realized my use of the term SO might be confusing. SO refers to significant other on a lot of fertility sites, a habit i picked up there. But, as my significant other is now synonymous with sex-orgasm, really there's no confusion at all.

    Day 70 tomorrow.. I got this.
  11. Digi123

    Digi123 New Member

    Re: Day 50 Relapse :(

    Well done dude, you're a true inspiration for me, I'm on day 5 and it's been a real struggle so far.
  12. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Third time's the charm

    Day 90. If i needed any more proof that this was the right thing to do i woke up this morning with rock hard morning wood that took 15 minutes to go down. I suspect i had been hard for a long time before waking, so a 45 minute rock hard erection. Amazing really.

    Observations at 90 days:

    On the positive:
    Life's a lot more enjoyable than i thought
    Real women are more beautiful than i ever realized
    I'm smarter and more interesting than i thought
    My dick and balls are bigger than i thought
    Diamond hard erections are not a thing of the past

    On the negative:
    The things I've watched are still with me.
    Fantasizing is a hard habit to shake.
    The disconnect between my brain and my dick is still there

    I'd hoped for the return of arousal erections by now. That hasn't happened. What i've got is regular morning wood (every 2 days on average), occasional sensation semis in the shower and daytime semis every week or so. I test masturbated at day 65 (to sensation for 2 minutes, no O)- the resulting erection was 80% and lasted for 5 minutes. This is a definite improvement as i used to require constant stimulation (physical and visual) to stay erect when PMOing. After so many years of abuse i guess the rewiring will take me at least another 90 days, possibly even a year.

    80 days in out of the blue i hit a very rough patch of fantasy and urges. I lost sight of my goals, started ignoring my wife, wandered around in a dissociated state for days. I think natural libido returned in force but because of the disconnect between my brain and dick i had no way of dealing with it, other than willpower (like trying to send rush hour traffic down a disused side road). It's getting easier again, thankfully.

    I'm going to 100 days no MO (got to get that star!). P is not an option for me anymore. Last night as i lay in bed next to the wife unable to sleep, we discussed the day, the kids, family stuff and after a while it hit me that it hadn't even occurred to me to get up and PM. My habits are changing.

    I haven't beaten it yet (fantasy keeps rearing its ugly head). Let's just say I've developed a healthy respect for the addiction and will keep fighting it for as long as i can.

    Reboot. Rewire.
  13. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Third time's the charm

    This diary entry is to mark a new beginning.

    I relapsed 2 weeks ago and have PMOed 2 more times since then. The most worrying part is the last time i didn't even try to put up a fight. I think part of it is i did quite a long stretch (120 days) but then fell back into old habits anyway, which is quite dis-spiriting from this end of a reboot. I stopped coming here after the relapse because i thought i could do it alone (i think i'm starting to repeat myself here) but now i realize being accountable (even anonymously on the internet) is an important tool for breaking this addiction. There's no saying how badly my reboot/rewire has suffered. Morning wood has disappeared again and i haven't had to opportunity to test arousal wood (and anyway the PMO means i don't even feel like it).

    So this is Day 0 again (FUCK!!).
  14. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Re: Third time's the charm

    So i thought i'd write something here to record the benefits i experienced between 100-120 days as a reminder to myself, for when shit gets real again.

    Days 80-100 were tough as i had libido back but brain was interpreting it as urge to PMO. These were probably the toughest days of all (until the 2 days leading up to relapse on Day 125).

    Day 106 had successful sex with SO. Tried fantasizing after a bit to finish off but it didn't work at all, so i opened my eyes and the sight of her completely blew my mind/load... This was by far the best sex i've had in over 15 years. All urges to PMO disappeared completely after this encounter. I was cruising with high libido and no urge to PMO. I began to let my guard down around this time.

    Day 116 had the second wet dream of my 39 year long life.

    Day 120 awoke with what can only be described as "light saber" wood. I didn't know wood like that existed. Sheeeeet!

    Day 123 had a REALLY bad day at work. Didn't sleep properly for 2 nights thinking through what happened. Porn fantasy slammed me hard at this point and i started rationalizing/completely lost focus.

    Day 125 Back to square one. At least now i know for sure the grass is greener on the other side. To be honest i don't know how i'd deal with that same level of stress if it happened again. I had strategies in place for day to day stress, but nothing in place to deal with something really big.
  15. Romulus

    Romulus New Member

    Re: Third time's the charm

    Hope your holding strong now. Thanks for the record. I am at day 46 the first time and see that these 60 days I have set will not be enough to recover fully. I already new that but was hoping it would be easyer like quit smoking. It is hard for 2 weeks but then it is gone. This seems hard longer.
  16. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Re: Third time's the charm

    The good news is i don't think the relapse set me back to zero, more like 30 days or so (i.e. took me back to 75%). Went into a 7 day flatline immediately following the relapse but have had morning or night wood every day since then. I'm in full monk mode right now to minimize the damage from the relapse- no porn (obviously), no fantasy and no touching. Sadly the disconnect between my brain and dick is still there (no sign of arousal wood).. Hopefully will get a chance to do some serious rewiring soon.

    Thanks for your support Romulus. I'm glad the timeline was helpful.
  17. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Re: Third time's the charm

    Had a wet dream this morning (day 45, third reboot). I know the consensus is they don’t count against a reboot but this one was particularly pornographic, in the sense that it was about watching P, flicking back and forth through a tube video and basically getting off. It wasn’t sensual or even really sexual, just a straight-out P hit. At one point I did think “Only 30 seconds, better not make it a big one”. I was relieved when I realized it was a dream, but still, I did enjoy it if I’m honest.

    I’m pretty pissed that after all this time my brain still chooses P when I’m off duty. I was making some progress too. Yesterday, for the first time in decades, I got some minor (20%) spontaneous wood looking at a woman on the street.

    I’m not counting it as a relapse but will be interested to see how much it sets me back. It was 116 days before I had a wet dream last reboot and only 45 this time, so i figure the last relapse set me back to about Day 70.

    Still in hard monk-mode.
  18. RiseUpFromBelow

    RiseUpFromBelow New Member

    Re: Third time's the charm

    Keep it up. Your long stretches are inspiring.

    I'm concerned about the wet dreams as well as the only time I went on a long stretch with no PMO, I woke up with two of them. However I agree that they should not reset your clock.
  19. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Re: Third time's the charm

    Thanks RiseUp. Read your journal the other day- the chimney cleaning line made me laugh! Good luck to you too.

    Today is the anniversary of my first relapse (Day 52). It’s hard to say how I’m doing at this point. I have the feeling I am further along than ever before but it’s hard to say because I’m not getting spontaneous wood or arousal wood yet. Morning wood is about 5 times a week, and at least once a week the embarrassing variety that means you can’t get out of bed for a while. We’ve had a lot of sickness through our house lately which is probably messing with the reboot a bit and also my mood as well.

    2 weeks ago I experienced a big stress-event. I’d been worrying that something like this would happen during my reboot as I hadn’t devised any alternative strategies for coping. I didn’t relapse. Turns out that simple awareness of the fact was enough to defuse the stress>PMO circuit. The urges died down after a couple of days.

    When YBR went down the other day I went and watched a bunch of youtube videos about avoiding relapse. I don’t know why I did it, as I haven’t felt any serious urges for quite a while. Anyway it was a bad idea because the guy looked like he was really close to the edge and it rubbed off on me as the next day I felt a big dip in mood and confidence. Lesson learned- as long as I am doing well I need to stay away from NoFap bloggers and websites as they can upset my equilibrium.

    This time round I’m thinking more about the process. PMO created a sanctuary in my mind, where the “real me” could act out and I could really “be myself” (funny that fapping could be the purest expression of self). Everything outside the sanctuary became less real, even a distraction from PMO. Now the boundaries between the sanctuary and the world are breaking down. Now I realize that the people around me are all there is- all the pleasure and comfort I am ever to experience in life is to be derived from them, and that’s how it should be. As a result relationships are becoming more meaningful, even interactions with complete strangers seem more significant.

    On the downside i’m still objectifying women I see in public. All it takes to get my motor running these days is a young woman wearing a tight pair of jeans. My inner addict is taking whatever it can get and even such simple fare makes him rejoice. It bothers me, and I don’t know how to distinguish between addictive thoughts and healthy desire. Anyway, at least real women are doing it for me now and not just pixels on a screen.

    Stay strong gentlemen.
  20. TheShire

    TheShire New Member

    Re: Third time's the charm

    Thanks for comment at my journal. I stopped by to read yours. I definitely identify with many aspects of your reboot. I went 60+ days the first time only to fall into a relapse that lasted months. I'm back at it again.

    Rebooting with wife and kids is unique. It had pros and cons. For me, breaking the PMO back is my initial goal. But long term focus is back on a balanced healthy life. I haven't been balanced or healthy for a while. Big part of that was PMO but also other aspects of life. I do think PMO hurt the other aspects. That fantasy filled some voids but then expanded to crowd out other things.

    I'll keep up with your journal. Hang in there.

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