I have suffered from ED since I became sexually active almost 30 years ago. I have always thought that the problem could not be fixed, as I didn't fit any of the profiles doctors use. I hope this is the answer, and it seems likely, as I have never (before the last few years) had trouble with getting an erection to porn. I have used Viagra with my wife once a week or so, but most of my sex life has taken place in front of a computer for the last 15 years. I was aware that this is pathetic, but I have assumed that I was just born with a lower than normal sex drive, despite vibrant health otherwise. Furthermore, I assumed that my wife was just not attractive to me. I have discovered that I am the one who is underperforming in marriage, and I could not be happier to discover it, because whereas everything was an unsolvable problem before, now I know exactly what to do. If this works, it will be the best thing I have ever learned. I somehow came across Gary's Ted Talks video last Friday, and have dived in and read as much as I could since then. I'd like to find an account of an individual with a similar profile to mine, so I can have some more confidence that no PMO will fix my problems. I'm writing this to contribute to the body of knowledge, as people's accounts have been very useful to me in understanding this and making my own decisions. History I learned to masturbate prone when I was very young, maybe 7 or so. It just felt good. I had some access to Playboys and "The Joy of Sex" at my home, but I'm not sure when I started looking at those. I'm certain that by 12 I was masturbating to the SI swimsuit issue and Playboy. I did so throughout junior high and high school, probably once every few days. I would stay up late to watch the Solid Gold dancers and Benny Hill on late tv. I did not, in my estimation, consume a lot of porn, and neither did I masturbate more than my friends appeared to, but still by the time I had opportunities for sex (16 or so), I was usually totally or partially unable to do it, to my great dismay. I was a decent athlete, and had a good social life in high school, but could not do what I wanted most, and repeated failures weighed heavily on me. I binged on alcohol frequently while my friends commenced with their sex lives. I did manage sex twice, but it was not as satisfying as masturbation. When I went to college, my opportunities for sex multiplied, but I still had trouble. My access to porn was, ironically, much constrained during that time as I always had roommates and a full schedule. I still could not look away from a Playboy, but I did not buy or collect any porn. I can't remember for sure, but I think that for the next few years I masturbated more infrequently, perhaps 1-2x/week. I started having more real sex, but still had frequent, humiliating failures. I learned that a condom was absolutely out of the question--I don't think I ever managed to use one successfully. One night stands were very rarely successful either. I found that, for a while, I could be excited by the hottest girls, and I had some rewarding sex, but after a few times I would become less and less interested. I was very popular and very engaged in college, dated plenty, had satisfying male relationships, and had a great time. I knew my sex life wasn't as good as many, but did what I could with what I had. Despite the problems I had, I was very confident in college--I dated very attractive women, and thought I deserved to. However, I still drank enough to be well-known for how drunk I frequently got. I was dealing with frequent depression from the time I was about 14 or 15, and I would have six-month periods where I had to drag myself out of bed and to class. I managed to graduate, but was not proud of my performance. After college I lost my confidence. I was not the same guy who thought he could do anything. I took jobs that were too easy for me. I got lonely and got married. I spent the next few years drinking too much and performing poorly at whatever I did. At the time, my porn use was still pretty modest: Playboy and Penthouse, almost exclusively. However, masturbating to these were still more satisfying than actual sex. My wife had a limited sex drive, and so I thought it balanced out ok. She could go for a month before she started hinting that she wanted it. I tried to keep it weekly out of some remaining scrap of self-respect. I did not see porn as a problem--I saw it as helping. It was boner practice for me--I knew something was wrong, and I was trying to practice my way into a better sex life. When the internet came into our home, it changed my habits a little--I could download pictures, and had access to a bigger variety. My tastes did not harden, though--I still had no interest in seeing a man involved in my porn, I just liked the soft round bodies in playboy-type material. This may be when I started edging (a term and a practice I only recently learned of). My sex life got no better and no worse. After a few years, I was spending a lot more time looking at porn, and would have been embarrassed for my wife to know how much. With the advent of high-speed internet, I still mostly liked pictures, and collected vast archives. I became open to watching people have sex, and started enjoying the video clips that were available. Once in a while I would become disgusted with myself (and afraid of exposure) and throw everything away. Sex life was still meh. In the last 8 years I have wasted progressively more time engaged with computer porn. I would collect more videos than I could ever watch, watch tiny portions of hundreds of videos for hours whenever I had a chance (often instead of sleeping), and edge the whole time. I got to where it was hard to complete the masturbation--my erection would go away and I was stuck without a release. I'd have to masturbate for another hour to finish in an unsatisfying way. All this time, I still thought I was doing something that was sexually healthy, even if it was obviously personally destructive. I wanted a better sex life, and my progressing impotence scared me into using more porn. Occasionally I would pull way back, but even then I was just trying not to waste so much time and didn't want to have files on my computer that I would be ashamed for my kids to find. When the tube sites came along they were soo tempting. I didn't have to download any files, keep any files, keep any bookmarks, and I could watch so many videos in such a short time. Mostly I edged while bookmarking videos that I would never watch. My tastes did not harden much, but I did need more and more perfect models and preferred multiple girls working on a single guy for me to get excited. The thrill was more in the hunt for that perfect clip or moment, and I saved them compulsively. For the last 3 years I have used Viagra every single time I have had sex. It was very useful at first, like my sex life was mostly reborn--I could give great sex. I still didn't enjoy it as much as I knew I should. It has become less effective as time went on, too. I started to feel really bad about porn I'm not really against it philosophically, as long as participants are consenting adults and not abused. That's not looking so solid, though. I did not want to get caught using it, by my wife but especially by my kids. I wanted to stop being so goddamn mediocre at everything and knew that many productive hours were wasted being good at hunting down porn. I threw everything away. The next day I started downloading again, with no M and no O. Just looking. Still very compelling, very exciting. The light at the end of the tunnel That day I found YBOP. OMFG, I have been so wrong about so many things here. I thought I was attending my sexual health, but I was wrecking it. I thought my wife had become unattractive, but I had become unreceptive (she's a babe). Who knows what of my problems may be connected? Trouble focusing? Depression? Irritability? Not getting simple easy things done? Career mediocrity? Less confidence all the time? For fuck's sake, I thought I just didn't feel things as strongly as other people. How much of my personality is mine, and how much is shaped by porn addiction? All those years I thought about suicide! Was that just the porn? I fucking hate porn! Look what it has done to me. Oh hell, I've wasted the last 30 years! But they are gone and I am here, and won't waste any more. Never again. I don't know for certain that this is my problem, because I had ED many years ago on much less frequent and softer porn, but the fact that I enjoy masturbation and porn more than sex seems to be a pretty good indicator. I will not look at porn again. Ever. No P. I just have to figure out how to delete these images from my head. I don't know yet about M, and I'm willing to give up O, but we are going to see how this works only removing P. If I have to spend part of my life without O to repair myself, well, that's a small price to pay for a grand payoff. One week in: I've had sex several times this week. It was not excellent, but it was ok and it was the first medically unassisted sex I've had in three years. It was the first fantasy unassisted sex I've had in, well, maybe ever. I have not looked at any porn, even though I have spent hours in privacy at my computer. Here's the surprise--I didn't know how long I could make it without masturbating, but without porn I have almost no inclination to masturbate. I'm looking forward to experiencing and reporting the benefits. One obvious one already: I'm not distracted by thinking about my next fix when I'm with people. Thank you Fapstronauts! You guys totally fucking rock. Sharing your stories, doing the research, digging in, and publishing it on the internet. Gary, doing the research, and making it public. Gabe, for making videos with his own face--that's balls, in my book. All of you, for contributing to the body of knowledge with honesty and generosity. Here's the irony for me--I had this problem before high-speed internet. Without high-speed internet, it may not have created this information-rich environment that could help me. When my ED started (it was impotence back then), you either had physical problems or performance anxiety. As far as I knew I was the only one in the world who could be healthy and confident and eager and still fail in bed with a gorgeous girl. I gave up years, maybe decades ago on having a satisfying sex life, and now I have renewed hope.
Welcome NewLease, This is a very helpful and positive community. Take part by journaling and commenting on others journals... keep studying YBOP. Not all of us are here as a result of ED, some of us have just gotten fed up with a PMO cycle complete with regrets and shame and then more PMO on and on. There are many accounts of men having great results in curing their ED by quitting there porn habits.
NewLease: your story is different and the same as mine. Thank you for sharing it and being so honest. Understand how much your vision of the world has been fucked up by P. It is incredible. Give yourself ample time to untangle the cancer that is P from you life. It will be slow. Avoid MO and avoid P. Let your brain rewire to a new and healthy vision of what is a woman. You are lucky to have a beautiful wife alongside you.
Thanks guys! I'm sold. I'm reaping some benefits already in terms of increased engagement and intensity.
Welcome aboard, New Lease. Congratulations on 7 or 8 days free. Good to hear that you are noticing benefits.
I have had little temptation to look at porn and no temptation to masturbate in the last week. Morning woods are sometimes there, as usual. I've had unassisted sex 4 or 5 times with an 80℅ erection. I'm interested in seeing the benefits of no O, but for the time being I'll see what improvement I can get out of no P and no M. When I started this I thought I'd just quit P, but without P I have no desire to M.
Also, unique counter! 2052!! Hopefully some bizarre calendar will not pop out, like the Maya one, predicting the world will end in 2051.
I've been having sex almost once a day. I intended to give it a rest, as my wife expects it weekly and that should be easy, but I'm experiencing changes that are complicating that. Touch The main thing is that I am engaging with mhy wife by touching her, which I haven't done for years and years. In fact, I have sometimes been repelled when she sat on my lap or put her feet on me in bed. As usual, I thought she had become unattractive to me. Now I'm scooting next to her in bed to get warm, then I get a little feeling in my loins just from snuggling. I haven't had that in a long time. Kindness I am engaging with her. I have been such an ass! I am not pretending to listen anymore. So she touches me more. This is medically unassisted sex, and my boners are maybe 80%. It has been years since I'd done it without Viagra. My wife does not know about my former habit or my quitting. I'm not complaining. I'm interested in testing the benefits of no O, but I think I'll just ride this train and see where it winds up.
So good that you and your wife are reconnecting. Lots of touch, contact, often non-sexual physical contact... hugging, hand holding, kissing, caressing so , so good from my experience. Magic stuff. The no O route is encouraged by Marnia... Gary Wilson's partner, she has a site reuniting.info which has lots of good info on what she calls karezza type sexuality... no specific goal of an O, just the gentle act of lovemaking. I have only tried it a few times so I am not sure but it is an compelling theory. Good for you , no Viagara
Looks like I made it 3 days without O. I meant to hold out until my wife asked for it (she lasts a couple weeks before asking). Wanted some loving this morning, DW said her period had begun, so I asked for (and received) a HJ. Maybe the second or third successful HJ of our 23 year marriage. I didn't get hard until she started pulling on it, to my disappointment, but to be honest I'm seeing daily progress. I was much more engaged with the women at a part last night, instead of hanging out with the guys. More comfortable/natural hugging the women, too.
3 days , good going friend. If you are having frequent O's , even with your wife, just be aware of any chaser/hangover that might leave you craving more O's... I think the re-wiring to sex with a partner only and not our own hand is very good. But, I think it is possible to remain an O junkie for a while. Lots of gentle touch and physical connection like hugging and hand holding really help counter this... You are very lucky to have your wife helping you on this path. I have my loving wife helping me and that , I think, makes this much easier than for the single men.
I probably am an O junkie. My wife is helping, but doesn't know about my addiction. I justified it to myself as a habit that kept us synched so she could have sex once a week as she seemed to prefer.I'm finding that she may be up for a lot more sex when I'm attentive and physically present. I realize I may have to give up the Os for a while but I'm trying it the easy way first.
I know only a little but I know that my ex wife and my current lover both enjoy being awoke with morning wood then using it for sex and going back to sleep. I am going out on a very strong limb my guess is your wife wants it way more than you think and by gently touching and being more attentive you guys can in a healthy way make a connection (make love) daily. I always thougt sex ended after a certain age. My grandmother said her and my grandfather had sex everyday until he died at age 71. Now if they couldn't due to holiday company then that was one thing but in general everyday. I also found that making sensual love usually happens for me twice a day. Once in the evening and once in the morning. Not rocking sex but actual slow love making. Healthy sex is not taught or discussed in USA. We are honestly too uptight. Keep up all the good work. I encourage you to shed what you think you know about your wife's desires and talk to her and ask, but also share your morning wood with her. My wife always liked period sex. Yes we had to use a towel and it gets very sloppy and sometimes it's not so much fun for us but my experience they are really horny. And I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't have a higher sex drive than a man. (We are led to believe we are the sex dogs. We are both sexual beings). hope this helps. Keep up the good work. challenge your old beliefs you will most likely be amazed.
THIS!! NewLease, you are in very good company! I tried the soft reboot for several months but ultimately decided to try my hand at hardmode. I'm not in a relationship currently, so this is possible. It hasn't been easy, but it has definitely taken the reboot to a whole other level. My inner addict is certainly being "starved out," and he's really kicking and screaming now in a way that he wasn't before. I interpret this as progress, but it certainly doesn't feel good. Seriously thinking about going back to the soft reboot. Takes longer, but I think it is a more gentle process.
Zyrock, my wife does not think she wants any more sex, but I can talk her into it, and lately I've been much more willing to do an hour of snuggling/touching with no guarantee of success, and after all that she usually decides she wants it after all. We used to have sex once a week on weekends, and if we missed it, oh well. Now we're doing it about every three days. Human, I want to join you guys in hardmode just to see what benefits and how fast they arrive, but with my increased physical affection for my wife, we keep winding up having sex anyway. I've gone from Viagra superboners to a drug-free 80%, but I can already feel a lot more. I don't have to go really fast and hard to make it exciting anymore. Doing nofap this way is pretty darn easy, I admit. I'm not at all tempted to masturbate, but I still have to fight the urge to look up (or stare at) salacious pictures. I keep remembering things. I'm certain that I was masturbating (prone, unfortunately) to pictures of naked or nearly naked women by the time I was 8. I don't remember the discovery, but I do remember being fascinated with the naked pictures and hiding my fascination as well as I could. I'm certain I was edging by the time I was 11 or 12, and by the time I was 16 or 17, surprise! However horny I thought I was I couldn't get it up with a real girl. Progress: My wife is getting more attractive every day. I like the way she feels and smells, and before I think I really only cared how she looked. I start getting a little turned on just with snuggling, whereas before she had to get me started with her hands.
NewLease, You are making good progress. You seem to be bonding more with your wife, that is a big help. Now that you mentioned it , I was also masturbating prone at a very early age. Always with flickers of images, lots of sexy images on kids shows back then, Mary Ann, Ginger, batgirl, yikes... The urge you have to look up sexy pics will fade as you make more progress. Snuggling is beautiful. Love.
