Trying to shake off this monkey off my back

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by mailboxsam, May 27, 2022.

  1. Montesquieu

    Montesquieu Member

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  2. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    MBS - you are doing wonderfully! Very inspiring to see! Keep up the hard work!

    You will definitely keep seeing positive results!
    mailboxsam likes this.
  3. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Awesome job. Outside of work find a home project to keep you busy as that tends to distract you. You got this.
    mailboxsam likes this.
  4. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Had my first serious wobble last night. On night of day 25 no PMO. I had an erotic dream which featured my usual fantasies and favourite person on the internet. It was debilitating, because in the dream I even went through the rationalisation process of “should I give in? What would i say on the forum if I relapse?” Etc and I had it all figured out and threw in the towel. When I woke it took me a while to convince myself i hadn’t yet thrown in the towel in real life, only the dream version of me had.

    so now I’m dealing with the aftermath of that, trying to resist the fantasy thoughts from my erotic dream and struggling to do so. I hung out with two friends this evening which was good, had two glasses of wine which was nice but did make it harder for me to resist F when I got home in the evening.

    Anyhow tomorrow I want to fix my bath, replace silicon around the edges! I actually started working on this the other day, bath is going to look so much cleaner and whiter now! I thought it was all incurable black mould but I was surprised to find I simply needed to scrape off the old silicone and replace it and I can restore my bathroom.

    and I’m one third of the way into my book. Started reading for the first time in ages after a fellow here on the forum inspired me.
    Gil79 and path-forward like this.
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @mailboxsam, just read your whole 40's story. Lots of similarities. The weekend stood out. I'm an extrovert by nature but I can shut down the work on Friday and be an addict hermit for weekend after weekend in a row. Someone in your thread said to stay busy. You run. You bike. Have you written out a list of all the things you could do on a weekend by yourself and others, big and small, in the house and out?

    I'm not currently doing it but it helped me in my past and I'm building my way toward bringing it back to life.

    Anyway, I appreciate your encouragement. Though I do like a good long bike ride, , if you can run 10K, you are stronger than me!
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  6. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Hey @ruggerdoug much appreciated. Rugby World Cup coming up! Give us something to do on the weekends then :)

    I reckon I will go for a fairly long walk today. With my cellphone in my pocket because I feel lonely. I got injured in April which I’m going to rehab for now but it has meant I can’t run but I can bike at least. Not being able to run has caused me some big problems since it provided a structure to my weeks but I have in the last month simply replaced that same structure it’s just now that I have to walk. And at least that’s good. But weekends yes I don’t have structure on weekends.
  7. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    I did go on that walk, which was good since I phoned my mom, my ex, my old next door neighbour on the way. I walked to a restaurant where I treated myself to some nice food. But I should have walked back, I kind of wimped out and caught an Uber, which was funny in the end because I got home and started tapping the bath, only to remember I had left my bike at the start of the walk! So I had to go back in my car and pick up my bike.

    Just re-read my journals (previous one and this current one) and learnt a lot about myself. And I confirmed again that certain good things that happened in my life and are still bearing fruit - the seeds were laid during my streaks of no PMO years ago back in 2017.
    path-forward likes this.
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Did I mention I’ve been reading again? I might finish a book at some point my dudes!
    Caz and path-forward like this.
  9. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Funny thing just happened :)

    I was about to knock off for the night. Was thinking “I will make a post on YBR, tell the guys I had a good day and I’m going to dance through my 28th night of monk mode no PMO”.

    then I saw I had a message from my lady friend. Clicked on it. Bikini pic alert!!

    So, a whole new front has opened up in my battle to bear this thing :) one I hadn’t prepared for. For now i will try to laugh it off.

    In other news. Have contracted some kind of flu. Spent the day at home. But picked up a guest in the evening. To future self: good day.
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    MBS - Congrats on 28 days! Big step!!

    And sounds like a "quality problem" with your lady friend! ;)

    Sorry hear about your flu. Def check for Covid - its picked up a lot lately

    Feel better soon.

    And keep up the great work my friend!
    mailboxsam likes this.
  11. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Thanks @path-forward.

    Checking in. Was a long day. Mostly a good one, but I have had a big emotional low in the evening.
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    30 days no PMO. Here’s to 30 more, and figuring out how to fill the hole in my life it is leaving behind.
    StarWarsFan and path-forward like this.
  13. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Awesome! Cheers to another 30 (or more). You got this.
    mailboxsam likes this.
  14. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Check in. To future me: it was a good day. Had some bit of healing meeting someone I hurt in the past seems like she has forgiven me
    path-forward likes this.
  15. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Still going but not a good day today.
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, just stay clean and the day will at least be better than if you don't. Meh days happen. I'm having one so far, too. Gotta start moving. Get out and move around!
    Stay strong, man.
  17. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Thanks man. Happy to report I eventually got out of bed and somewhat resurrected my day. Wouldn’t have been possible if I had got sucked into PMO.
    path-forward likes this.
  18. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    MO’d last night and MO’d this morning. Let myself get sucked into fantasy thoughts, half hoping I would succumb and relapse.
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Instant gratification is the gift that keeps on taking. If you didn't watch pix, that's a win. FMO is no joke either, but I would say it could've been worse. Back on the horse, man.
  20. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Long periods of edging to fantasy thoughts and then FMO last night and again this morning. Recommitting though to stopping this destructive behaviour.

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