Trying to shake off this monkey off my back

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by mailboxsam, May 27, 2022.

  1. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Hi - I've been around for a good few years. Had a great run of 160 days monk mode many years ago. Fell off the wagon. Didn't use this site for a while, but I've come back now. It definitely helps. You'll see my old thread in the under 30's, "On the road - trying to manage huge obsession with transgender erotica and images".

    Now I'm 43 but I won't be for long. Haven't been able to shake off this monkey. PMO has really inhibited me from being the best version of myself I can be. Here's to shaking it off.
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2023
  2. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Well I just relapsed after about 4 days clean. Noooo…. Been a very weird week I fell ill on Sunday and I’ve been off work the whole week. Monday I PMO’d. Then nothing and no desire - sick baby - till today when I’m starting to come right health wise. Argh.
  3. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Well, I’m not in good shape as far as strength and determination go in fighting this thing. Just recovered from illness too which is a real thing but also offers an excuse for my mind to let go. Have to get my life going again. Try to take a shower then wash some clothes and linen.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good start! Keep on working the program!
    mailboxsam likes this.
  5. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Thanks Saville. I PMO'd again this week, I think it was Tuesday. Going to count Wednesday 8 June as my new start. Some negatives - the willpower and "getting my life back in order" strength I had a few months ago went away so fast after my recent PMO'ing. And, illness has put a huge spanner in the works for the ultramarathon I was training for. Going to see how it goes as I hopefully recover well enough to run again. Some positives - a very pretty young lass is interested in me and I am interested in her. Well, let me read from a few stories on this site.
  6. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Still going strong no PMO since Wednesday 8 June. Gonna try make it to two weeks. This next week could be one of the toughest of my life work and stress wise. I have to submit something and fill in a big application by the end of the week.
    Seen positive results, as I always do, from this latest 11 day streak. More confident and my charming self around others. Thinking to myself “where have the last ten years gone?”. Wanting to call up people I haven’t spoken to in a long time. Draw a line underneath some open ends relationship and history wise. Move on.
    Saville and TrueSelf like this.
  7. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Made it to 15 days no P or M or O. Its Thursday. I am so far surviving my "mother of all weeks" and still have a decent chance to come through the other side.
    ImonaJourney and TrueSelf like this.
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Made it to 17 days no P or M or O. I am still surviving my mother of all weeks. I am almost finished the first part of the thing I needed to complete. I hope to complete it tomorrow and then do the second part on Monday. Successfully went for a long run today with my running partner as well (25km slow run) since I am prepping for a marathon in two weeks time. If I can successfully make it to Tuesday it will be a big deal. Then I can take a week's holiday from Wednesday.
  9. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Well, I did the second part of the Big Application that I had to do at work.

    I finished the Mother of All Weeks! I am very proud of myself.

    Now I feel empty and drained. This is dangertime for me for wanking my friends.

    It wasn't a clean run to the finish line. I had to "run over" some bodies on my way there. It seems I pissed someone off along the way, but I think he is unjustified in feeling that way.

    I did some exercise today too (10km run).

    But, in other news, I've got some trouble in the bank. I was pursuing a girl, which pissed off X (who still likes me) and rubbed that girl's ex and his friends the wrong way. It seems I have been less than honourable in some ways. The girl said she just wanted to be friends. Ok. But I have some mending to do.

    But anyway. I took on the Mother of All Weeks and lived to tell the tale.
    Saville likes this.
  10. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Made it to Thursday. Time to take a holiday ish over the next few days. Maybe I should go camping. I’m on 24 days monk mode. I’ve got a marathon next week Saturday. Starting to feel the heat as the work pressure is off I am beginning to notice women again and soon I will have to start fighting fantasies again.
    But today was a good day. Did some work, bought some groceries, dealt with insurance, went for a run, saw running friends with my head held high, saw long lost friend for dinner and had a good one. Though the meal sucked for the money he paid for it…
    Saville likes this.
  11. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Having some trouble here. First day of leave. Idle hands. Allowing fantasies to enter my head. Browsed through my ex's recent vacay pics on facebook.
  12. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Checking in here. A lot happened in the last 14 days. Firstly, I did relapse soon after my last post, it was coming wasn’t it. Then, first apppointment with psychiatrist finally came round. I explained my shit. She saw me going up and down and using masturbation when I’m down, and diagnosed that I’m bipolar, and prescribed pills to treat. I thought she was putting the cart before the horse, in that I thought that my downs are caused by my chronic masturbation and not the other way round. I don’t know who is right. I’ll keep the pills as my backup plan at this point.

    Then I relapsed again after psychiatrist.

    Then I went camping for 3 days in the wilderness. I wanked a few times… but I also went for some epic walks. Overall a win.

    Then I met up with friends and did sport. All good.

    Been back on the wagon for 8 days no PMO.

    Am seeing psychologist every two weeks.

    I feel I’m on a decent run. Had recent runs of 30 days, 25 days, then I’m now up to 8 days again no pmo. Have instituted some more healthy daily habits. Let’s see how it goes.
    Saville likes this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You got many good things going on, working hard on yourself, healthy activities and social interaction. That's very inspiring. The part of relapsing after the psychiatrist sounds very familiar to me. Such meetings bring up a whole variety of emotions ans tension and (P)MO is then a very tempting relief. What has worked for me in such cases is to prepare for that by journaling and an activity afterwards. Keep up the good work!
    mailboxsam, StarWarsFan and Saville like this.
  14. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Almost relapsed now. Went for a night out (two sessions with two different groups of friends) but I was tired and both sessions didn't go great, especially the second, where there is a girl who I still have a crush on but who has turned me down politely months ago. Drove back feeling "f... it, I'm done with these bitches, I'm going to crawl into my hole". Looked at pics of my ex on vacay in a bikini on facebook. Was about to escalate things to PMO. Only thing which stopped me was one of the friends from the evening messaged me a simple thing, I messaged politely back and a conversation got going. I came onto this site at the same time and read some accounts. I think I've staved it off for tonight.
    ImonaJourney, Saville and realness like this.
  15. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Awesome decision. Inspiring too. It will payoff in a slow, true and more powerful way. You gotta process the feelings and changes you're going through, and now you have more days to do the rewording life without the guilt, shame and brain fog
    mailboxsam and Saville like this.
  16. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Feeling some stress and anxiety at the moment. A lot of it is externally induced (i.e. I am not making it up) but some of it is no doubt internally induced. Still hanging in there. 13 days no PMO. Things going well at work, except for this stress. On a related note, I did a lookup yesterday and saw the price of a house in my neighborhood hasn't gone up at all (in nominal terms, not just real terms) over the last 5 years. I guess I made a very bad investment decision! Although I have enjoyed staying here. Gonna have to look at making a change.
  17. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Was MAJORLY stressed out today. Reached out to those close to me. Phoned my brother. Was good. I’ve already told myself in the past that reaching out to friends and family is the number one way to help with stress, I am glad I managed to reduce it, if only for a little and only for a little while, in this way, rather than turning to PMO
    Saville likes this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great work!
  19. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Fantasised a bit just now, lying in my bed in the morning on a Saturday, because I am feeling very down and felt like some of that escape. Old habits. Managed to stop, only just. If I had been horny I would have probably relapsed but thankfully I wasn’t. Let’s see if I can salvage something of this day.
    Saville likes this.
  20. ananoman

    ananoman Active Member

    Its funny how these things work..... like a crazy serendipitous event....only we know that there are no such things as accidents! :cool:
    mailboxsam and Saville like this.

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