Trying to last the whole of September

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Just A Name, Sep 2, 2012.

  1. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Well, I just relapsed. :-\ . Talk about self sabotage.

    Again, the edging go to me, only this time I simple couldn't stop it so easily.
    10 full days, kind of a new record of me, still far from a month...

    Nothing else to say really, thinking of closing this journal and starting another one, since I failed the goal of it.
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    EDIT: You know what, I just realized my mind is pulling bullshit tricks on me. I have this gut feeling that I'm unable to socialize after I relapse, since somehow all my testosterone and manliness has dissipated. I just realized this. One of the bullshit reasons I'm doing this reboot is trying to "gather up" confidence through each day. I just realized how stupid this sounds, and have no idea how I got to this. THAT'S WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO OUT THE LAST 2 DAYS. I've been having this subconscious thought that I won't be confident enough until I finish my reboot . Which is bullshit! The night when I went to the party I had 2 edging sessions, and was still able to flirt, dance (even though I have no idea how), and be confident.
    I should be doing this to QUIT THE WRONGFUL INFLUENCE OF PORN ON MY LIFE. And I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS . My brain fog is gone, I no longer spend hours at a time watching weird shit, I no longer have troubles socializing, I'm going chores, I'm taking responsibility for my actions. I shouldn't be doing this reboot "to gather up confidence". I already have confidence, I don't need some bullshit ticker showing me how many days I have left.
    Fuck, I didn't even see this creep up on me. I've been going at this for the wrong reasons, no wonder I've been failing for so long. I'm searching for this mythical "confidence", that's like a mirage in the distance, while ignoring all the benefits I already achieved.

    FROM THIS DAY ON. I SWEAR to no longer try this in hope of some fake miracle. I'll last how ever long I last. No false objectives, no looking for some mythical placebo feeling.

    I'm quitting porn to quit porn, not:
    -"to get more confident"
    -"to become more manly"

    I'm quitting porn because it's bad.
     
  2. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Simple: it fucking feels good.
     
  3. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Thanks for your responses.
    The answer is quite simple. I do it because it's ingrained in my life.
    It's pretty much become a daily ritual at this point. However, now that I know it's bad, I try to stop myself from it.
    I jerk off to the things I know are impossible to achieve in real life, like those huge boobed pornstars. It's a form of running away from the present.
    Lastly, a lot of it is just plain compulsive hoarding. I feel I get a thrill out of finding stuff that's obscure , and I get a bigger thrill out of cracking porn sites that are hard to crack. I've been having a working password to brazzers for like 1 week, and I rarely check that shit out because I've already cracked it.

    I'm still discovering the subtleties of this with every day I keep the jerking off to a minimum. For example, last night's party pretty much confirmed I no longer lack confidence because of a bad self-image, simply because of a lack of skill. At 21 years of age, I still lack a LOT of the common knowledge a guy in his twenties ought to know, like dancing, cooking, etc. At this point, I'm pretty much done with this reboot as far as "seeing how long I can last". But instead, I'm thinking catching up on the stuff I've missed in all my wasted years.
     
  4. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    I don't get it, what's all the hype with dancing? If you don't feel it, why do it? If it isn't natural to you, if you don't like it, why do it???? To impress others? I will never ever understand this concept. I'm referring to the most common form, club-dancing and what not, not other forms.
     
  5. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Well I haven't posted here in a while.

    Sigh... I've had a really bad week, I think I relapsed at least twice or three times.
    I find my willpower is gradually draining, and been having less and less motivation to go to the gym too.
    I found a dance school, but I've been too anxious to actually go there.

    Damn, looks like I've fallen back.

    Dunno what to say guys, I've lasted 10 days max, and was struggling so badly. I have no idea how I'm going to last an entire month.

    Guess I'll keep trying...
     
  6. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Wow I didn't post here in a while.
    Been following the Orgasm reboot thing.
    It's working out rather fine, but I'm still looking at porn occasionally.
    Currently on day 3, but still having those nasty edging sessions.
     

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