Hey everybody, how's it going? I'm a 21 year old collage student, and this month I'm going to try my best to last with no jacking off. Reasons? I want to try and build confidence, and develop a need to go out and hit on girls actively . I'm NOT a risk taking kinda guy, mainly due to some events in my life leading to a good 3 months of depression. After I kicked my depression, I swore to try my best and re-take my life in every area. I lost weight, am living on my own, and have learned to play the guitar , but this is the only area where I'm still too anxious to try. I've tried everything, from promises, to written journals, but every time I have a huge urge to jack off, I do it, usually after 2-3 days. I really want to get my brain to realize that the only sexual stimulation it's going to get is from an actual girl, not porn. Thing is, I'm apparently very atractive and my friends tell me I could easily score a hot girl if I showed some initiative, but I have HUGE self-confidence problems after my depression. Whenever I try to hit on a girl in a dominant way, I get the feeling that I'm posing, and there's this fear in the back of my head that she'll find out my "secret", that I lack the confidence. I also don't consider myself a very interesting person (why I learned to play the guitar). BY quitting PMO for a month I hope that It'll give me a sense of entitlement, and make me think that I deserve a hot girl, rather than having to work my ass off for one. In my tries to get better at talking up girls, I read some stuff from the PUA community ,and really opened my eyes. But I'm still a bit too anxious to try that stuff out consistently, since I'm afraid I'll make a fool out of myself, and my social circle finding out. I had my last, satisfactory PMO on the 1'st, and today I kept my urges relatively under check. Below, is the history of my porn use. I've decided to put this up with my journal for me to see the downward spiral every time I check this thread. It's pretty explicit stuff, and pretty sick, so don't read it if you don't want to. I don't want to read it either ,but I have to, since in my mind all of the below seems logical, and natural , but when you read it piece by piece you understand how much my mind has been warped. SO YEA, THIS IS WHERE THE ACTUAL JOURNAL ENDS. -I started with "porn " when I was about 13-14. There was this newspaper that featured naked weathergirls, and I remember cutting out the pictures and storing them in a letter box. Thing was , I never remember looking at them, just the thought of hoarding the pictures was exciting. Every one of those girls was incredibly busty, and I think that's where I developed my fetish for big boobs. I know EVERY man loves some big tits, but for me it trumps EVERYTHING else about a girl. -When I first got internet I began searching google for random sex terms. I started out tame with those 10 second sample clips that porn sites put out. At this point I think my fetish for breasts crystallized . -1 year later, and a new fetish appeared. After watching an episode of Ally McBeal, there was a scene where one of the girls was getting her belly button licked. I don't know why, but that marked me forever, and since then I have a real attraction to girls' hips and bellies. I honestly can't explain WHY , or how, but there you go. - I've been scouring the net for movies about my new navel related fetish for 1 year after that. This was obviously something INCREDIBLY obscure ( and before I found out about niche fetish video stores an such) but the thrill of searching for it was exciting for some reason. I had a folder with about 20 clips, the only porn I'd actually save in my PC. I remember they were easily my most prized possession. -As I begin to delve deeper and deeper into the internet, I discover picture sets, and full length movies. At the same time, "normal" porn just doesn't cut it for me anymore. I skip past all the sex and stop at the foreplay, where the girl gets her breast played with. I'm never even curious about the "actual" fucking, and I just think of that stuff as pointless filler. So, I escalate to something more extreme: lactation porn. Rather funnily (and tragically), I don't care about the actual lactation, or why the people for which this was actually made for would watch it. For me it's just long, detailed scenes of breast sucking, in close-up. I find that I enjoy seeing things in ultra close up, so in some of these movies, I don't even see the faces of the models. (Sigh... objectification). -Years later, I escalate again. Remember I said I had a belly fetish along with my breast one, so for me it seemed natural to combine the two . So I started watching pregnant porn. Yeeeshh. .. I haven't done that in a good 2-3 years, and I still cringe whenever I think about it. For me it seemed so good: " These women had big breasts, and they usually would have their bellies played with in SOME way. win-win". At the same time , I see pregnant women on the street all the time and it never even phases me. I never make a connection, or wonder what the people that watch it for the "pregnant" part actually enjoy. For me it's mechanical : "big breasts + belly play= awesome" . This also means I'm distancing myself from enjoying actual girls, since these women are far from the girls I interact with daily. -Later still, I discover password cracking. There was this forum where hackers would post passwords to the member areas of porn sites. Since a lot of people would visit, the usernames would be compromised, so it was a thing of "who could get there first". I'd spend a lot of time just refresing the page to see if anything new had been posted, and I also remembering not actually caring about the porn as much as getting that working site. -In my 17's I discover hentai, and I'm oddly liking it. This is a cartoon, so they can make anything they want. I'd love seeing impossibly sized breasts (of the "so large they're funny" variety" ) . Then I went to the weird stuff, the tentacle stuff. This is where I actually think I've become un-savable. -I actually remember the exact point where I'd thought to myself "You are no longer normal , and beyond hope". I downloaded this erotic comic. It featured a bunch of incredibly busty women getting tortured by aliens and monsters. As horrible as that sounds, I remember it being my strongest sexual memory to that point, and no matter how much I rationalize it, I still get excited when I think about it. -At 18 years old , I've finally began dating and have toned down the weird stuff. I go back to regular porn, and have made a new habit. I'd download a movie, then search through it for a good scene. Then, I'd capture it in a short gif. They were quick to open, quick to close, no sound, just a quick loop. I'd spend hours making hundreds of these. At this point, I 'd even manage to make porn sexually dull. There was nothing erotic , no flow, no foreplay, no sound, not even faces. All I had were gifs of breast play in close-up. -The final straw was when I discovered niche asian porn. "Rule 34" in real life; anything I could think of , there was a movie of it. That's where my porn escalation let me to. -When I went to collage , I had my depression. The shock of collage being identical to my previous life was horrible. This wasn't American Pie. No parties, no hot chicks, no bros wanting to hook you up with someone, no nothing. Everybody was minding their own business, nobody gave a shit . It took me a good 3 months to snap back, and then I started slooooooowly working my way back. -2 years later, I'm done with a lot of my social anxiety, my unproductive days, and my hours upon hours of watching porn with no purpouse. I still procrastinate like a motherfcker, but so do a lot of people like me, and I learned to live with it. I've been trying to kick PMO for 2 years, and have NEVER managed to do it. I always get an insane urge , or a weird sense of curiosity if anything novel has appeared, and I end up browsing sites. It's so prevalent, it's all too easy sometimes. I can go to youtube and find a 15 minutes video catered directly to my belly fetish. I can search on dailymotion for a half hour compilation of breast sucking, made with someone else's long spent hours. It's so easy , and there's just so much stuff, I feel I just OWE IT to myself to watch it. That's what is stopping me. IN my mind , it's soooooo much easier to watch that stuff than take a long series of risks to impress a girl, or learn enough game to strike up conversations on the street. I'd LOVE to, but the alternative seems so much easier. That's it, all my time wasted on porn, on this post. I'll read it every day I come to post here, cause I don't want that to be me. Not now. Not after all I've done already. I need this month to be clean. ... Good luck to you all in your efforts, I hope you're closer to freedom than I am now.