Trying to last the whole of September

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Just A Name, Sep 2, 2012.

  1. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Hey everybody, how's it going?

    I'm a 21 year old collage student, and this month I'm going to try my best to last with no jacking off.
    Reasons?
    I want to try and build confidence, and develop a need to go out and hit on girls actively .

    I'm NOT a risk taking kinda guy, mainly due to some events in my life leading to a good 3 months of depression.
    After I kicked my depression, I swore to try my best and re-take my life in every area. I lost weight, am living on my own, and have learned to play the guitar , but this is the only area where I'm still too anxious to try.
    I've tried everything, from promises, to written journals, but every time I have a huge urge to jack off, I do it, usually after 2-3 days.
    I really want to get my brain to realize that the only sexual stimulation it's going to get is from an actual girl, not porn.
    Thing is, I'm apparently very atractive and my friends tell me I could easily score a hot girl if I showed some initiative, but I have HUGE self-confidence problems after my depression. Whenever I try to hit on a girl in a dominant way, I get the feeling that I'm posing, and there's this fear in the back of my head that she'll find out my "secret", that I lack the confidence. I also don't consider myself a very interesting person (why I learned to play the guitar). BY quitting PMO for a month I hope that It'll give me a sense of entitlement, and make me think that I deserve a hot girl, rather than having to work my ass off for one.
    In my tries to get better at talking up girls, I read some stuff from the PUA community ,and really opened my eyes. But I'm still a bit too anxious to try that stuff out consistently, since I'm afraid I'll make a fool out of myself, and my social circle finding out.
    I had my last, satisfactory PMO on the 1'st, and today I kept my urges relatively under check.

    Below, is the history of my porn use. I've decided to put this up with my journal for me to see the downward spiral every time I check this thread. It's pretty explicit stuff, and pretty sick, so don't read it if you don't want to. I don't want to read it either ,but I have to, since in my mind all of the below seems logical, and natural , but when you read it piece by piece you understand how much my mind has been warped.
    SO YEA, THIS IS WHERE THE ACTUAL JOURNAL ENDS.




    -I started with "porn " when I was about 13-14. There was this newspaper that featured naked weathergirls, and I remember cutting out the pictures and storing them in a letter box. Thing was , I never remember looking at them, just the thought of hoarding the pictures was exciting. Every one of those girls was incredibly busty, and I think that's where I developed my fetish for big boobs. I know EVERY man loves some big tits, but for me it trumps EVERYTHING else about a girl.

    -When I first got internet I began searching google for random sex terms. I started out tame with those 10 second sample clips that porn sites put out. At this point I think my fetish for breasts crystallized .

    -1 year later, and a new fetish appeared. After watching an episode of Ally McBeal, there was a scene where one of the girls was getting her belly button licked. I don't know why, but that marked me forever, and since then I have a real attraction to girls' hips and bellies. I honestly can't explain WHY , or how, but there you go.

    - I've been scouring the net for movies about my new navel related fetish for 1 year after that. This was obviously something INCREDIBLY obscure ( and before I found out about niche fetish video stores an such) but the thrill of searching for it was exciting for some reason. I had a folder with about 20 clips, the only porn I'd actually save in my PC. I remember they were easily my most prized possession.

    -As I begin to delve deeper and deeper into the internet, I discover picture sets, and full length movies. At the same time, "normal" porn just doesn't cut it for me anymore. I skip past all the sex and stop at the foreplay, where the girl gets her breast played with. I'm never even curious about the "actual" fucking, and I just think of that stuff as pointless filler. So, I escalate to something more extreme: lactation porn. Rather funnily (and tragically), I don't care about the actual lactation, or why the people for which this was actually made for would watch it. For me it's just long, detailed scenes of breast sucking, in close-up. I find that I enjoy seeing things in ultra close up, so in some of these movies, I don't even see the faces of the models. (Sigh... objectification).

    -Years later, I escalate again. Remember I said I had a belly fetish along with my breast one, so for me it seemed natural to combine the two . So I started watching pregnant porn. Yeeeshh. .. I haven't done that in a good 2-3 years, and I still cringe whenever I think about it. For me it seemed so good: " These women had big breasts, and they usually would have their bellies played with in SOME way. win-win". At the same time , I see pregnant women on the street all the time and it never even phases me. I never make a connection, or wonder what the people that watch it for the "pregnant" part actually enjoy. For me it's mechanical : "big breasts + belly play= awesome" . This also means I'm distancing myself from enjoying actual girls, since these women are far from the girls I interact with daily.

    -Later still, I discover password cracking. There was this forum where hackers would post passwords to the member areas of porn sites. Since a lot of people would visit, the usernames would be compromised, so it was a thing of "who could get there first". I'd spend a lot of time just refresing the page to see if anything new had been posted, and I also remembering not actually caring about the porn as much as getting that working site.

    -In my 17's I discover hentai, and I'm oddly liking it. This is a cartoon, so they can make anything they want. I'd love seeing impossibly sized breasts (of the "so large they're funny" variety" ) . Then I went to the weird stuff, the tentacle stuff. This is where I actually think I've become un-savable.

    -I actually remember the exact point where I'd thought to myself "You are no longer normal , and beyond hope". I downloaded this erotic comic. It featured a bunch of incredibly busty women getting tortured by aliens and monsters. As horrible as that sounds, I remember it being my strongest sexual memory to that point, and no matter how much I rationalize it, I still get excited when I think about it.

    -At 18 years old , I've finally began dating and have toned down the weird stuff. I go back to regular porn, and have made a new habit. I'd download a movie, then search through it for a good scene. Then, I'd capture it in a short gif. They were quick to open, quick to close, no sound, just a quick loop. I'd spend hours making hundreds of these. At this point, I 'd even manage to make porn sexually dull. There was nothing erotic , no flow, no foreplay, no sound, not even faces. All I had were gifs of breast play in close-up.

    -The final straw was when I discovered niche asian porn. "Rule 34" in real life; anything I could think of , there was a movie of it. That's where my porn escalation let me to.

    -When I went to collage , I had my depression. The shock of collage being identical to my previous life was horrible. This wasn't American Pie. No parties, no hot chicks, no bros wanting to hook you up with someone, no nothing. Everybody was minding their own business, nobody gave a shit . It took me a good 3 months to snap back, and then I started slooooooowly working my way back.

    -2 years later, I'm done with a lot of my social anxiety, my unproductive days, and my hours upon hours of watching porn with no purpouse. I still procrastinate like a motherfcker, but so do a lot of people like me, and I learned to live with it. I've been trying to kick PMO for 2 years, and have NEVER managed to do it. I always get an insane urge , or a weird sense of curiosity if anything novel has appeared, and I end up browsing sites. It's so prevalent, it's all too easy sometimes. I can go to youtube and find a 15 minutes video catered directly to my belly fetish. I can search on dailymotion for a half hour compilation of breast sucking, made with someone else's long spent hours. It's so easy , and there's just so much stuff, I feel I just OWE IT to myself to watch it.
    That's what is stopping me. IN my mind , it's soooooo much easier to watch that stuff than take a long series of risks to impress a girl, or learn enough game to strike up conversations on the street. I'd LOVE to, but the alternative seems so much easier.


    That's it, all my time wasted on porn, on this post. I'll read it every day I come to post here, cause I don't want that to be me. Not now. Not after all I've done already. I need this month to be clean. ...

    Good luck to you all in your efforts, I hope you're closer to freedom than I am now.
     
  2. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Now I feel quite innocent with my fetishes, lol. Also I'm afraid that they won't disappear completely. But can't do most of the weird stuff with the real girls...
     
  3. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Thanks for both of your posts so soon.
    Cleanhands, sorry this post brought up bad memories, but I did say in the beginning a lot of that stuff was explicit. I haven't watch that stuff from some time, and even when I did, I didn't realize what it was about, I was just watching titties for all I cared. ::)
    I'll probably try Open DNS tomorrow when I get back from the gym.

    InsideOut, that's one of the bigger reasons why I decided to quit watching porn, that 90% of the stuff I was watching was stuff no woman would ever agree to, or stuff that was actually impossible to do .

    Well day 1 is at an end. I had some urges, but I just focused on other stuff and after 10-15 minutes they went away. Tomorrow morning I'm up early for my chest workout. Sadly, today was also my cheat meal day, so tomorrow I'm back to a strict diet.

    Lots of luck to you all!
     
  4. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Day 2 is at an end.... and I relapsed. Damn I'm weak willed as fuck.

    Installed both OpenDNS and k9, AND modified the shit out of my hosts file, but I hate those urges on day 2-3 like the plague.
    It's still the beggining of September, but I don't really have a lot of hope, I can't last 3 days let alone 1 whole month...
     
  5. Have you seen my post on replacement activities? You need to incorporate naturally rewarding activities into you life to lessen the withdrawal pull of Porn. After about a weak or two, P starts to lose it's grip on you. Also visit the site yourbrainonporn.com for more info. Knowledge is power, but without action is useless.
     
  6. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Yeah, I kinda knew this all along, but actually putting it in practice is harder.

    Anyways, today went great, no urges, spent time studying, and actually learned to play some new songs on the guitar.
    Today's also break day from the gym, so I had all morning to sleep.

    One problem I had was k9. That program is absolute garbage. Not only did it had moments where it would prevent me from accessing the internet for a good 10 mintues after I'd boot up my laptop, but it also pulled some other stunts. For example, it also acts as a ad-blocker, buuuuut, it treats each ad block as an attempt to access forbidden content. So, after surfing for a while, this thing blocks my internet for 30 minutes because of too many blocks... Fuck that! I uninstalled it, and am now running only OpenDNS, and I also modified my hosts file a LOT, blocking out certain pages on youtube, certain torrent sites, even dailymotion completely.

    One question for people here, is how do you deal with urges at night, when you want to go to sleep? I can't really get up and do something else the, since I want to sleep, but I sometimes find I can't sleep since I get an urge. Any suggestions?
     
  7. Cold shower, coldest setting...Mkay????
     
  8. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Actually used this during the day, and damned it works.

    Had this really strong urge to download a hentai movie, but I just read this thread, and decided, why not?

    Damn, a cold shower really takes your thoughts away. Thanks for the tip.

    Otherwise, a margianlly productive day so far.

    Haven't been to the gym today, mainly since I've been up all morning sorting some shit with my collage exams. Been losing a lot of weight too since I cut out those fucking energy drinks (another addiction of mine). Once I sort out stuff with my final grades, I'm back to the rigorous 7:30 gym workout. If I keep this up till late October , I'll probably get full 6 pack abs.

    Some friends popped by unexpected at noon, and I reacted surprisingly well. I was so used to being isolated jacking off, I never expected friends to come by visiting like that , but there you go.
    I'm also noticing I'm developing an "alpha instinct". When I talk to a girl, I immediately begin being slightly flirty , and making consistent eye contact. I'm also cracking sex jokes a lot more often , which is something I wasn't used to doing around girls.

    Thanks again for your posts, and will post here again before I go to bed.
     
  9. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Nah, not for me broski. A nice b-cup is best, although I'm not at all picky with titties, but I would preffer smaller rather than really big.
     
  10. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    I basically follow this as rigidly as I can.
    http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/kris-gethin-12-week-daily-trainer-week-2.html

    I restarted it after making it to week 7 then quitting due to finals.
    I'm on week 2 now, was supposed to do shoulders, but I had stuff to do in the morning, and spent the remainder of the day studying. I'll probably restart week 2 next week, once I re-take one of my finals on Friday.

    (Tip: DO the 40 daily minutes of cardio it says there. I almost passed out the first time I tried running for 20 minutes straight, but It really is the thing that will get you slim)


    A lot of guys do. Funnily enough I don't really care that much either in real life, but whenever I used to PMO, the bigger the better.
     
  11. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Agree. Maybe another poll, lol?
     
  12. And then another poll on how many guys thought the previous one was a trigger and relapsed ;D. Cut that shit out young man...Mkay?
     
  13. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Middle to late of day 3, and here's a status report.

    Last night I almost caved in. I was edging for about a good 15-20 minutes, thinking to myself that if I don't come, it doesn't count. I managed to crack a password to brazzers, and the thought of all that high quality stuff almost made me relapse. But then I realized I've been there before. I've seen brazzers movies, and I knew EXACTLY what would happen:
    -I'd start downloading clips and scan through them.
    -Since I'd try not to cum, I'd spend hours going through clips until late night
    -Eventually, I'd "accidentally" cum, feel tremendous shame, and go to sleep disappointing in myself ,and wake up the next day feeling miserable.
    So I just forced myself to go to bed, right there and then. Wasn't easy at all, but I did it.

    Today I had another urge, still at that brazzers password. Instant cold shower, and now I'm feeling better. I'm studying like a madman for my exam tomorrow, and a relapse would make me stop giving a fuck whether I pass it or not. I simply cannot allow that.

    Today I woke up early to re-take my sports exam. It fellt really shitty to fail sports (didn't go all semester). Still, I aced it, so there's some satisfaction in that.
    Had a REALLY strong urge to get an energy drink , to give me a boost. Didn't, and am really proud of myself for that. Got a can of mountain dew instead, and threw half of it into the trash.

    For now, I need to convince myself that:
    -Edging to porn still counts against my goals. It's even worse since I don't get the release I'm looking for.
    -Jerking off without porn is still no good. If I'm replaying scenes of hentai, or abnormally big breasted women in my mind, it might as well be the same thing.
    -Watching more "normal" porn still doesn't count. In the end, whether it's hentai, soft core porn or hardcore, I'm still looking for scenes of girls getting their tits sucked, so I'm not getting better at all.
    -Stopping myself from subconsciously touching myself whenever I get a sex thought. Sex thoughts are normal, and they come and go. Jerking off to them makes them persist, and brings me closer to a relapse. Need to cut that shit out.

    I'm really thinking of learning to cook. I always thought men knowing how to cook was gay, but now I realized it was only because I didn't know how. Even though I asked my mom lots of times when I was a kid, she always told me I was too stupid to know how to cook properly, and the bias just stuck, I guess.
    Probably gonna start with some salads, and have always wanted to make one of dem egg white omelets I keep hearing about on the bodybuilding forums.
     
  14. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Some feedback as of now:

    Middle of day 5, and things are starting to to change sligthly:
    Re-took my exam yesterday. The scariest thing about all of it was that I wasn't nervous at all. This is the first time in my LIFE I wasn't nervous in an exam. I just wrote what I knew, and then handed it over. Didn't try to cheat , just wrote down what I remember. I'm not particularly nervous about the results either.
    Also, the brain fog is gone. With just reading stuff once or twice , I was able to remember it 2 days afterward , no problem. Damn that feels good.
    Still, I'm far from done:
    -Still having problems with edging. :-[ . Even before writing this stuff, I was edging to some REALLY bizzare porn for 10-15 minutes. Cold shower saved the day again. I NEED to get that reflex wired in ASAP. Urge-> cold shower. Need to do it without thinking.
    -Also had a really crappy dream last night. I was out at this really wild, drug party with all my friends and everybody was getting laid except me. I was too scared to talk up a girl, even though we were all high as fuck and I wouldn't have needed to say much. Guess my brain still subconciously thinks of me as a beta male, despite all my alpha attitude .

    Will probably go to a party this night to celebrate . I'm feeling really reluctant to go for some reason, and there have been 2 moments during the day where I just wanted to make up an excuse not to go, but I'm sticking through with it. I need to expand my comfort zone, even if it means doing it against my will.
     
  15. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Sort of achievement, congrats :)

    Or it starts to address these problems.

    I heard somewhere that it is better to accept all, even not that compelling offers — it may go better than expected and you may find some ways to have fun despite of all.
     
  16. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Well I came back from the party , and here's what I can say:

    -I was uncharacteristically alpha in all of this. Despite most of my friends being couples, and me being one of the few single guys still left, I kept a cool head in all of this .
    -Got girls asking me to bump and grind , and had a girl offer me a lap dance. Actually had a girl ask me to hold her up by the ass while she danced, refused, and surprisingly had her plead to do it. Finally she just flat out jumped in my lap, and we danced away. Oddly enough, didn't find anything "wrong" with this, found it very natural.
    -Had another girl ask me for a dance, yet seem distant once we started going at it. Didn't affect me, I just treated it as her not being interested.
    -At this point I've pretty much isolated the cause of my insecurities: It isn't lack of effort , but lack of skill. All that time of my youth spent PMO'ing instead of going to clubs has taken its toll, and now I'm more affraid of making an ass of myself due to lack of skill rather than lack of effort.
    -I NEED to learn how to dance. And I don't mean Waltzes and such. I mean down and dirty, bump and grind, heavy touching stuff. I need to be able to be confident in my dancing abilities, then the rest takes care of itself.

    -Have a really strong dichotomy when it comes to who I should be comparing myself to: the guy I currently am, or the guy i SHOULD BE. If we're talking about the former, I just had girls ask to dance and get touchy with me, something I'd never imagine 2 years ago, also made numerous cracks and teases at all the girls there. I actually called a girl a "crazy bitch" at some point , and she just laughed it off. So I'm showing great improvement.
    When comparing to the latter, I could've easily gotten laid this night with just a little extra game , and a little more escalation. Still have the feeling I'm "all talk and no bite". Still left early, when the dancing stopped, and people just paired up. Still can't dance worth shit, and DAMN does it hurt wanting to get close to a girl on the dance floor, but just not knowing how to move. Need a lot of work on that. Still, my rock solid confidence kept me dancing even though I had no idea what I was doing half the time.

    4 days no O (still a little P and M) is really showing its effects. Tomorrow I'm going to try my VERY BEST to NOT even look at porn. Since all I look at is weird shit that has no connection to actual fucking, it's not helping my cause at all.

    Conclusion: Long way from where I was, long way to where I need to be.

    Wish me luck, cause you know I'm already wishing you the best.
     
  17. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    I'm pretty determined. Up to now, today I've only had one brief episode where I looked at about 4 pics, before I just remembered I really want 1 day of no PM at all.

    Anyways, I've been willing to do this for a year now, and I've decided to start taking some basic dance courses. I'm pretty sure I'll make an ass of myself, but I'm at a point that I don't really care anymore. I made a fool of myself when I picked up the guitar for the first time, and I still ocasionally do, but that hasn't stopped me. I'm looking for some courses in my town, and will try my best to visit one tomorrow. Will also go buy some stuff so I can start cooking. Been putting THAT off long enough.
     
  18. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    End of day 6 now and I DID IT!!! 1 whole day with no pmo.
    First time I've been able to do this without some sort of pretext like being on the road or something.
    Hopefully I manage to keep THIS up instead of edging or fantasizing.
     
  19. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Thanks bro, much appreciated.
    How are things for you, you haven't been posting any updates in your journal.
    You know, you don't have to wait 10 days until you update.


    Anyways, I'm on day 7 now, and so far no urges at all. Woke up a bit late (mainly because I forgot to put my alarm on). Still went to the gym though.
    Also had a really kickass dream last night. No real details needed, but I think my mind has been getting more used to my alpha state of mind.
    Tonight I'll complete 1 full week of my reboot, and from next week I'm looking to completely eliminate ANY sort of edging and fantisizing. I'll still think about sex, but eliminate all those weird fantasies about hentai and such.
    Best of luck to y'all.
     
  20. Just A Name

    Just A Name New Member

    Shiiit... Sorry I haven't replied to this anymore, guess I was just kinda shamed.

    I haven't been able to replicate my last day. I still have moments during the day in which I edge, for a good 10 minutes. Still haven't fully relapsed yet, so I'm at 10 days now.
    Some progress though, I finally got it through my head that edging is bad. Before , I used to be ok with edging thinking it "won't count". Now I'm starting to feel shame, just for looking at porn, rather than fully relapsing. So I guess I'm kinda pushing this thing back.
    Problems I still have:
    -Actually had a wet dream at day 8, thing is I couldn't remember any of it. I felt like total shit in the morning, since I had the impression my brain is stopping "normal" sex thoughts since it thinks they don't match with the rest of my thoughts.
    -I'm also noticing that whenever I stop myself from edging, I literally drop dead from exhaustion. It's like the whole refractory period after sex. I've actually fallen asleep from this, for no apparent reason. I'm really worried about this, since this hasn't happened in all my years of porn watching , OR my years of attempting to quit. Then again I've never lasted the full 10 days.
    -I'm still reluctant to go out. A lot of my friends are couples, and I have this weird sensation of awkwardness , seeing as I'm one of the few single guys. I still flirt around, but I'm still too shy to escalate to touching and such.
    -I have a hard time discerning the times I simply don't wanna hang out with people, from the times I feel like my confidence is low and am scared to make an ass of myself. I'm also noticing I'm falling back on video-games, so that's starting to worry me.
    -Also been having weird mood swings. I'm 10 days into this, more than I have ever been, with only minor, 10 minute edging, and yet I still feel like shit sometimes. I know I'm supposed to force my comfort zone , but I'm really afraid to make a fool out of myself sometimes.
    -FUCK I really need to give up this edging shit. It doesn't matter anymore if I can stop it, I want to prevent it altogether.
    -Lastly, I passed my exam , and will probably throw some sort of party to celebrate.
     

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