trying to get myself back.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by sundaysun, Apr 18, 2019.

  1. sundaysun

    sundaysun New Member


    I'll start by introducing myself. I'm an 38 year old man. I've been PMO'ing for the last 25 years. In my case MO can't happen without P. Fantasy has never been there or has just been weak compared to P. The more I read on this website the more I understand that PMO was purely an outlet for my negative feelings. So mastering that feelings is probably a key to sucess. Mastering them is not (only) a matter of stopping my addiction but rather being able to gain more self control. I've been trying to refrain from PMO since my early 30's. Without luck of course because I was not prepared for the pitfalls in the long way ahead.
    When I turned 38 (in March) I once more promised myself to fight that inner devil. So I started reading a lot of journals and scientific articles on brain functions, neuroplasticity etc and I realised that the subject is way more complicated than I previously had imagined. Anyways, here I am now having spent the last 3 weeks of my life completely PMO free. It actually takes me by surprise that I haven't even had the sligthest urge to view P. Like I sit in front of the computer and the only thing crossing my mind is reading the news paying bills etc. Yesterday I experimented a bit with the idea of viewing P (having no urge) but I honestly my addicted braincells did not react at all. I know that it's way too early to arrive at this "stage" so I wonder if my mind is just playing tricks on me. Like it lets me believe that I'm on right track now and suddenly when summer arrives and clothes "shrink" from all sides, my addiction will catch me off my guard. All throughout these 2 weeks I've been feeling empty and weak like I'm the shadow of myself. But I know that after a big loss in our lives, experiencing and coming to terms with the void that follows is a necessary step to go forward. So I'm just being patient (luckily I'm good at being patient). That said, I have experience that during this period I've gone over from being reluctant to being able to confront others when there is need. I guess this is due to the elevated levels of hormones that run in my body at the moment. Then again, how is it possible that hormones (especially testosterone) are high but my little friend down there is hibernating? This morning I woke at at 6 because of morning wood. I hadn't experienced that in a long time and I was more surprised and happy for the return of my body's healthy functions than feeling any need to do something with it (MO). During my previous attempts I thought that there is no problem with MO during the recovery but now I can clearly see that it can greatly affect something in the brain and there is a risk that the addiction pathways gain strength. So I'd like to avoid that. But then again, why should one refrain from MO? I mean it's not a bad thing, if someone only uses his imagination or am I wrong? It's the only healthy way to MO. Or?
    Before I finish writing this, I'd like to say that I'm not the person to count the PMO-free days. I think there is no real need to do that, I know that I will need to be on the lookout for preventing relapses for the rest of my life, since I have an addiction prone mind. So counting days is futile, in my opinion at least. And I believe there is also a well hidden trap behind this 'days counting', when someone has reached a long time without PMO then his addicted braincells will probably trick him into thinking that he deserves a little PMO-gift. Relapses can also happen when someone is overly happy and excited and thus has less control over impulses. I'd like to share with you my feelings and questions during this journey. Also if anyone would like to become my accountability partner please let me know. Have a good afternoon and I wish we all inside here come closer to our goal sooner or later.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi there sundaysun, welcome to the forum !

    I agree, counting days can have it's dangers. I guess like any tool it depends how you use it and also if the tool works for you. There are definitely many people who seem to fair better without the day counting mentality whereas it seems to help others. It's for sure though that if one's goal is, for example, a clear 90 days, then if one makes it there, he will be in some troubled waters from 90 days and more. Especially if it was his only source of motivation.

    One thing that seems to help a lot is gaining knowledge on this behavior and why one does it and how he feels when he does it or when he's off it. And, come to think of it, perhaps most of all, why one wants to stop. What's his persona goal here ? He's personal reason ... ? The clearer the why and the vision of why one wishes to live without P, the more chances he'll say no when/if the urges come knocking.

    For example in my case what helps me is the idea of discovering what my life can look like if I remove P from it (for a long enough time). I can't say at this point, being a natural skeptic, that I will not touch P my whole life anymore. But I can sure say that I don't seem to be happy with it, there are a whole lot of coherent and reasonable arguments conveying the idea that perhaps it's not helping me and as such I am very curious to remove it. And the more I work on living without it, the more I am kind of discovering that indeed life seems to be lighter without it in it. But I'm still exploring.

    It's great that you are 3 weeks off the P and not feeling too challenged so far !

    Best of luck onward !
  3. sundaysun

    sundaysun New Member


    @thelongwaywayhome. I do think you can say that you will not touch P your whole life. But you should by no means let this thought stress you! Just quietly and slowly work with yourself towards that goal. I think we all inside here need to take our minds off P. Like picture a life as if P had never been there. We need to set important goals, to have something to look forward to, to try to fill our lives with energy. It can be anything, like sports, discussing philosophy, walks, musical instruments, tightening connections with friends or family, travelling, gardening, anything. This way brain will slowly forget that it once filled emotional void or boredom etc with P. What you are doing, that is trying to discover what your life will look like without P is also a very good incentive to remove P. It's a vision that can keep your mind safely preoccupied with something meaningful.

    When it comes to my progress, I'm on the 6th week without PMO. The last 2 weeks have been exceptionally difficult as my sleep has deteriorated ( I wake up at 1 and cannot sleep before 3 or 4) so I am feeling like a zombie the following day. This lack of sleep has also made me very weak and thus I recently cought a cold. My mood is still down, I don't talk so much or when I do I talk slowly (This can also be a sign of improved self esteem since in the past my social phobia made me talk a lot). It also feels like during a discussion I can think of and articulate arguments in a well constructed way, while in the past the social phobia didn't let my mind think clearly. It's really remarkable to be able to see all these changes. And even more remarkable to be able to attribute all these changes to lack of PMO (P is the main suspect though, MO are normal body functions). I still haven't had any P urges. It feels that P is moving towards the back of my mind (although its way too early to draw conclusions). But it's also that I'm not giving it any power anymore. Here I need to say that my everyday life is always full. I do sports (intermediate level), gardening, play the piano, go on hikes, at the moment I'm supervising the renovations of my flat etc. But of course I don't try to say that we need to lead a hectic life in order to remove P. But it's better to lead active lifestyles. Also I would really recommend spending some time in the nature, I'm sure it does something to the brain and it releases hormones that make us feel good. Also going on hikes with others is a very good way of getting to know more people and single girls too. Outside of that most of the girls I get to know are either married or in a relationship.
    Last edited: May 3, 2019
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. sundaysun

    sundaysun New Member

    It's been over 9 weeks now of total absinence from PMO. I still haven't experienced any cravings. The last 10 days the loneliness I experience has made my sleep bad again. I wake up at 5 in the morning and cannot fall asleep again. I also went out with a girl I used to date last year and she told me that she is not in the mood for having starting something although she still likes me. I guess I have to respect that but it didn't make things better. It's hard to be turned down especially during this period. She was the third girl that in a way rejected me, the truth is I've lost my inner (even fake because of PMO) balance and girls sense that. It's a vicious circle. Slowly I need to stand up again and pretend everything is fine. This is how "normal" people do right? After I got home last night being out with her, I felt down but at the same time I was so horny (I have been like this ever since I dropped PMO). So I took the decision to release some energy. So I M'ed. It came very naturally and it was actually very pleasurable. My first time in 2 months. It's the longest in my life. It felt I was teenager again. I'm happy now I'm not thinking of sex the whole time, just this sadness I need to get rid of. Which seems very difficult at the moment. I've been diagnosed with depression twice in my life already and I'm feeling that I'm getting there again. But at the same time I've arranged to meet people this weekend. It might help, we'll see.
  5. sundaysun

    sundaysun New Member

    And so came the first relapse! It happened last night, I had been feeling emotionally down since a girl that I like turned me indirectly down. I woke up at 4 in the morning And I had troubles falling back asleep. During such emotionally fragile moments one has to be on their guard. The good thing is after all this time of abstinence from PMO, the problematic neural pathways have been weakened. So I hope last night's misstep didn't alter that balance now. Let's see.

    I hope those in the northern hemisphere are having a pleasant summer! And the others are not too cold :)
  6. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the relapse, but 10 weeks is brilliant! It's the same for me though, it's really the negative feelings that trigger relapses.

    Personally, I find counting days gives me a sense of achievement and something to aim for, but to each their own.
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2019
  7. sundaysun

    sundaysun New Member

    I wish you the best of luck Londoner! I realized it's not overly too difficult to refrain from PMO, sure the first 2 months were a pure nightmare with all that crazy mess happening inside the brain but then the situation became more or less smooth again. For me one thing that opened my eyes was the realization that I'm soon turning 40 and I haven't had a girlfriend in many years, I need to do something with my love life. I don't want to think about it, but it was actually this thought that sort of set me free. After all this time of abstinence, I noticed that when I get aroused I don't feel that urge to go home and turn on the pc (...) but instead I MO peacefully and pleasurably later at night. I feel really proud of it, since it's the first time in my life that I'm using sexual fantasy. I had always PMO'ed prior to that.

    At least this worked for me. I hope everyone finds what works for themselves.

    If counting days helps you, you should stick to that! You definitely need to praise yourself for your achievements. And be positive. And know what you are doing and especially why. I hope thought that with time you will stop counting days and the whole process will become more natural.
  8. Quanta

    Quanta Member

    That's unfortunate sundaysun. You made it to 90 days? That's an incredible achievement! Has that not change your motivation to pursue women in real life? Why are you not taking action?

    I'm only at day 19, but I was hoping that as things progress, my motivation and willingness to engage with women will increase and inevitably lead to success.
  9. sundaysun

    sundaysun New Member

    The thing is that due to work and lack of free time I have difficulty in getting to know people. Besides I had never had a lot of friends, I enjoy a lot being with myself and doing the things I like. But I feel I need to change that. So this will take some time. But sure motivation to meet girls is definitely there now. I just need to get a chance or better try to make this chance happen.

    Don't try to force things! Motivation and drive will definitely come. One thing at a time. Your brain is working overtime to bridge the gaps abstinence has created. Let it work and it will not disappoint you when it's ready.

    It's indeed incredible! But the most incredible thing is that I have peace of mind, no more that terrible feeling of guilt and in a way I feel I'm slowly becoming the sort of man I wanted to be. I just need to take action and leave the comfort zone
    Quanta likes this.

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