Trying to beat it

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by wintersturme, Jun 21, 2021.

  1. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Hi Libertad,

    Thanks for your comments and advice. I didn't read your remarks as the remarks of a know it all lecturing me. Actually I'm grateful for all the advice I get here.
    Rudolf Geyse and Libertad like this.
  2. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    So back to square one after my serious relapse yesterday.

    As I mentioned I was feeling very frustrated and angry with myself. In the evening I met up with some friends I hadn't seen in quite a while; so that kept me from fretting over my actions of yesterday. I came home quite late (3am) and now I'm feeling quite tired and hung over. I know this is always a tricky mood to be in when it comes to giving to my urges to PMO. But until now I have resisted. I still have a meeting this afternoon, but after that I'm going to break away from my screen and plan to go swimming. That should help in overcoming the urges.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  3. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    I have been absent since November 17th I notice. And things have not been great on the abstention front. Trying again for the nth-time to leave porn behind. I just got back from a holiday with my family. Being away on holiday means no pron. So after surviving with a week without porn I decided to try for a long porn-free streak. Actually during the holiday it was relatively easy not to think about porn. But now I'm back in the daily routine it is much harder. Being sat at my computer for hours on end it is much more difficult. Adding to that the fact that the next month and a half will be busy, I know it's going to be difficult. But I feel motivated to start again. I will try to engage more frequently on this forum.
    realness, Mad Dog and Saville like this.
  4. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Glad you are back. Is it possible for you to be in public places while on the computer? I'm having a lot of fun nomadically moving around town. Mornings in the coffee shop, afternoons in the library. Sometimes even just working at a fast food place after a cheap lunch. I'm no tech savvy guy but Wifi and VPN are amazing. I know baristas and other regulars by name. It's immersive and keeps me rolling, far removed from drilling in my head in isolation.
    Saville and StarWarsFan like this.
  5. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Hi Realness

    Thanks for the tip. I work three days from home and two days at my office. I share an office so that helps. However, since the sveral lockdowns I find it much more difficult to concentrate in places that are a bit lively.That bein said, I might still get more work done in a situation where I'm not tempted to go on-line searching from porn, even it is a little bit crowded. I will give it a try.
    Saville likes this.
  6. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    So 1O days without pmo. That feels good. At the smae time there is the anxiety that I might relapse at any moment. That anxiety is not driven by the fact that I'm at this moment plagued by irresistible urges but rather by the fact that this is what happened before. I'm trying to beat that anxiety but at times it is difficult. For the moment I have no great urges as I've seem to suffer some kind of viral infection (tired, slumbering headache, muscle fatigue).

    Some nice things to look forward: tomorow I have friend over which I only see twice a year and on friday evening some friends are coming over for dinner. I really hope I will have beaten the infection.

    Anyhow great to have this place to come to and talk (although in a somewhat cursory manner) about my struugle.
  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I agree. I think P is much more appealing during the hum drum of days.
    For myself, if something like a project or the like is interesting and out the ordinary P doesn't really come on my radar screen.

    But sometimes it beckons as an escape from routine or responsibility.
    wintersturme likes this.
  8. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Very recognizable. PMO as an escape-route. It is in some sense sad, since there is so much out there to enjoy. Addiction to P shuts that out. It keeps puzzling me that in order to escape I revert to PMO and not something else I enjoy (or used to enjoy).
  9. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    A few months ago I was seeing a therapist and she adviced me to end each day with making a list with writing down three things that brought me joy during the day. I tried it a few times and noticed that I really struggled to do so. I take this as a sign that much of my day I fail to notice or be attentive to small things that might give me joy. This should help me to snap out of the hum-drum and routine. I will try to do this in the coming days as a kind of exercise in self-discipline.

    To start off, here are two things that gave me joy in the last 24 hours (in no particular order):

    1. took an afternoon nap
    2. I spent more than three hours reading non-work related stuff
    Saville likes this.
  10. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Didn't sleep very well last night allthough I was very tired. So Iem feeling rather exhausted (on the plus side: no cravings for PMO).

    Two things I enjoyed the last 24 hours:

    1. having a friend over whom I hadn't seen him for more than 6 months. HAd a meal together yesterday evening and this morning an enjoyable coffee in the sun
    2. Nerd alert: spend some time trying to understand a beautiful mathematical proof and succeeded

    Don't seem to able to complete a list of 3 things. Ah well tomorrow perhaps.
    Saville likes this.
  11. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Today I have been 14 days without PMO or MO. My previous "record" was 14 days. So I'm glad I made it this far. There lurks the danger ofcourse, losing my vigilance and relapsing by thinking "I've made sofar, so one session of PMO will not hurt". Experience and thanks to the interesting posts here about the chaser-effect help me a lot in fighting the urge that I felt this morning to "celebrate" my achievment with a PMO-session.

    The weekend was overall a pleasant one. Friday night we had several friends over for dinner. Saturday I woke up with a hang-over (usually a dangerous situation for relapsing but I resisted). On Sunday my sister and mother came over for a late Easter-lunch. Again this was really enjoyable. And to end the weekend I had choir practice.

    Now the hum-drum of routine starts again. The stress of the work-week is always difficult as far as PMO-cravings go, but I feel strengthened by the insights found on this forum. Thank you for this.
    Saville likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hello day 15! Amazing @wintersturme.
    wintersturme likes this.
  13. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Saville. That really means a lot to me!!
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That's fantastic! I know how good that 2-week mark feels.
    Yes, work stress is huge, but you know as well as any of us that PMO is not the way to relieve that stress. I can't tell you how many times I stayed up late endlessly searching for the right picture or video, only to MO in disgust and wake up with a PMO hangover. The next day sucks. So it all sucks, and yet we keep punishing ourselves. Time for that to end. Keep up the good work, wintersturme!
  15. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Mozenjo. Indeed we know that PMO is not the way to relieve the stress. But sometimes it is difficult to remember that. YEsterday I felt the urges to PMO start creeping in again. I was able to resist (if I had succumbed I would be going to the process you describe so well: endlessly looking for the right video, well into the night when my partner was already asleep; feeling very tired in the morning and suffering from a PMO hangover with lots of shame and self-loathing). I was however afraid that I would succumb today. To make sure that didn't happen, I made sure that I am not in an environment where PMO is possible. So rather than working at home, I decided to go to my office, left the door to the corridor open.

    Things I enjoyed during the last 24-hours:

    1. A friend's visit, who wanted to pick my brain about some stuff I talked in a public lecture a few weeks.
    2. Listening to Beethoven's 16th string quartet
    3. Talking with my son about his day at school.
    Mozenjo, Saville and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Love that practical approach @wintersturme , keep it up. We have similar day counters, I'll try to keep up with you - let's keep it going.
    wintersturme likes this.
  17. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Rudolf Geyse. Similar counters indeed. Let's keep an eye out for each other. Actually I think it was you who suggested a few months ago the use of pomodoro. I used them then and it seemde to work. The moment I stopped, things got out of hand PMO-wise (no pun intended). I've started using pomodoro again since yesterday. So that was some solid practical advice from you. Thanks.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm a latecomer to classical music, but I have embraced it these past few years. One of the things I decided to do as part of my healing, my new journey, was to open my eyes and ears to new adventures. I was in NYC not long ago and heard a quartet play Beethoven's God, it was sublime. My family thinks I've lost my mind, because I'm all about going to classical and jazz concerts now. If we keep doing the same things in life then how are we to develop? I wish I had some musical talent, but the gods saw fit to make me an audience member, something for which I am grateful.

    If this were real life we would be out all night trying 50 partners or more. There is no perfect clip and thus no satisfaction. Most of the time when I PMO'd I was feeling bored, yet wouldn't end the session, even when the pecker was begging for me to give it a break.
    wintersturme and Mozenjo like this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    So glad that was helpful @wintersturme . I see it in myself all the time. The fact that I have systems which I know will work, yet I fail to use them - this beats me. Consistency is key. Hopefully we'll all figure this out soon. There needs to be flexibility in our system because we can't go 100% all the time, but if we aren't consistent...
    Mozenjo likes this.
  20. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Sounds familiar. I have always been into claasical music. My partner and son tolerate my music choices but are not big fans, allthough I sometimes can persuade my partner to go to a classical concert. Beethoven's string quartets are really sublime. I started listening to these works during the pandemic and have since returned to them on a regular basis.
    Saville likes this.

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