Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by wintersturme, Jun 21, 2021.
This is very hard but i think is just living the day...go ahead dont live the war
Welcome to all...im new here fighting with mi gay porn adictios...married with lids but reading you i learn a lot...good nite to all, keep writing and answer !
I did have blood analysis according to which all my hormonal levels connected with the thyroid were ok. As a matter of fact no physical cause for my fatigue has been discovered. Dietary change might be an option. I don't consume a lot of dairy. Booze is another matter, although I have been cutting down on that as well.
I have been absent from the forum for a few days. I was busy with many things and seemed to have relatively little spare time. The time I did have was mainly spent listening to music. I have always been a huge music fan (classical mostly), but since about a decade I seem to have lost interest a little bit. I still occasionally went to a concert of opera performance, but I didn't do long intense listening sessions at home anymore. One of the reasons was that, with a young child around the house it seemed very difficult to create time and space to enjoy listening. Another one was, of course, that porn took precedence over music. But last week I went to a friend's house to watch and listen a concert he had recorded and I rediscovered the joy of listening for a prolonged time to classical music at home.
So as some of you have said on the forum: one way to beat the porn addiction is to replace watching porn with an activity which can replace it dopamine wise. This trick seems to have worked for the last few days.
Hi Sebs, welcome to this thread. I wish you all the strength to fight the addiction.
Hi Wintersume. Did you had other appointments with your therapist since then? Must not have been easy to talk about the porn addiction, especially to the opposite sex. But therapist are professional and not judgemental so that's fine. Did it help ?
No I have one coming up next week. It was kind of difficult, but she responded really well. I think it helped opening up to somehow about this secret aspect of my life. Whether it will have an effect in the longer term I don't know. But the fact that I have discussed the subject with her means that this will be a topic of conversation in the future. I think this may help me in staying focused and motivated.
I talk to a man today, he sayd he wanted me and it turns me on...but i say to him that im triying to go out of this and stop feeling this gay thing...but its hard brothers, when other person say that you are awsome is cery hard, but i didnt PMO only chat so i can say that was onli that...im triying going out but i think i like men a lot and its a problem to me...so i da t know...i have to concentrate more i gess...see you and go for it
I really have been absent for a very very long time. (Just saw that my latest post was on July 9). The abstention has not been going well. I was back at my old habits. Since Monday I haven't watch porn and Im kind of determined to make my porn abstention a little bit longer this time. The temptation is huge and I notice that I find it extremely difficult to concentrate and to get things done. It doesn't help that in my job I have quite a lot of freedom and there is very little control (on a daily basis) on what I get up to. this creates a lot of opportunities to indulge in porn. When these opportunities are there it is extremely tempting to fall back on old habits.
Hi @wintersturme . Good luck on your journey and your latest streak.
For me, I had to interfere with my "muscle memory" of opening tabs and searching. By blocking incognito windows, loading internet filters etc I was able to snap out of this behaviour on my latest streak. Instead of diving into looking for images, the experience of having that interrupted by a blocker gave me time to think about what I was about to do versus what I know I should do, and I could start to build correct choices. You might have to take a serious look at some accountability software.
Then you need to dig down and find the reasons why you are turning to porn and tackle it on that level. For me it is mostly work avoidance and trying to escape from stress rather than engaging life head on. Still trying to work through this.
I found these 4 videos very helpful: https://info.reforgedman.com/launch-page-1-511660701633962860869
All the best.
Thanks for your reply and tips. I have installed an app called Self Control (which blocks websites specified by the user for a certain amount of time -also specified by the user). It is of some help, but also relatively easy to circumvent. So I will be looking at some of the blockers you mention. Lots of my porn consumption is also due to work avoidance (and sometimes boredom) and stress relief. So it seems we're in a similar place. Last days have been relatively easy (yesterday was a public holiday which I spent outdoors, away from the computer, with my family). Today is a more difficult day, so I'm really mustering all my strength to stay away from porn. Since I'm working today I can not simply switch the computer off and venture outside. It's great to be able to come to this place to read and learn. Thanks for the engaging.
The best "hack" for work avoidance for me lately is to break it down into smaller increments, to which I feel no resistance. For example I may not feel like writing a report. But if I think about opening a Word document, that's no thing. Then open the source documents and start scanning thru - no problem. Then the outline. Simple. First paragraph. By now I have enough momentum to carry on.
Also "Brain dumping". The sense of overwhelm from a sprawling amount of work to get through, is too much. So I need to get it all out of my head and on a page or in a list or multiple lists I can refer to. Our brains are designed for coming up with ideas, not for retaining huge tracts of information. So try and externalise as much information into organised lists as possible.
Also lots of journalling about why it is better to tackle the work than to avoid it. You can't keep journalling in this way without eventually "getting through to yourself." It will start translating into better decisions when the urge hits.
Lastly: pomodoro time sometimes is very helpful for me. I feel less resistance to the idea of just working for 20 minutes at a time. Google it if you're not familiar with the concept. + Good music, + good coffee and away we go.
Anyway these have worked for me on the practical side. Hope you can keep up a good rhythm. All the best brother
Hi Rudolf. Thanks again for the useful tips. I discussed my work avoidance with a therapist a few months ago and she also advised to break tasks up into smaller tasks that are less overwhelming. On the days that I was able to do this, this really worked well. But the problem was that while I know that these things help tremendously, I fail to implement them over a longer period.
I'll certainly look up the pomodoro time. Oh and the link to the videos was helpful. I watched the first two. While I'm always sceptical about the whole framework that self-help videos propose, I found some very useful hints and tips here. Thanks a lot.
Yesterday was a difficult day but I somehow got through it. Today is a little bit better. Although te urge to go online to watch porn crops up on unexpected moments. I'm still able to deal with them.
Weekends mean that I spent the day with my partner en son at home most of the day. She went out to meet a friend for coffee this morning, so I stayed home an prepared lunch. This afternoon the urges were back when I was witting at my computer to finish some stuff.
In some sense sex and porn are almost constantly on my mind. As I have already remarked my relationship has been relatively sex-less (to be blamed on my porn-addiction) but in the last few weeks I have been making some remarks and moves towards my partner to show that I'm interested in sex. She is somewhat surprised by it and has so far not really responded with much enthusiasm. But I keep trying.
Early this evening we're going to meet some friends for a drink or two in our local pub. So I'm looking forward to an agreeable evening, which hopefully will get my mind off the porn for some time.
Hi Winterstürme, Saville has a lot of good posts in his journal how he convinced and interacted with his wife to get her started having sex with him again after a longer period of no sex. Good luck.
Thanks for the tip Libertad. I will check it out.
So I have managed to stay a week free from pron. That is already something. My previous record is 14 days, so I really want to beat that.
The past weekend was ok. Lot's of things going on (meeting friends, going to a concert, ...) which makes things a little bit easier than on work days. So now I'm back to work and the urges to sneak in some porn watching are coming back. As my porn habit is, at least partially, driven by my tendency to procrastinate, I'm trying to draw up some work plan for the day. Let's see how that goes.
Damn! Damn!Damn! I completely fucked up yesterday/today. It started by looking at some images yesterday without touching or anything. Later in the evening I made some moves on my partner but she wasn't having any of it. So went to bed a little bit frustrated. This morning the frustration kept eating me up. I completely lost it. Had a fully body massage (with handjob). I feel so ashamed about this whole episode. After the massage I came home, was alone. Watched porn for about an hour and masturbated once again.
My streak lasted 8 days and now I'm back to square one. Damn!
Apart from the shame there is also the guilt towards my partner since I cheated on her. I really need to understand better how to keep these urges more in check. I managed to handle them for the first 8 days so I know it is do-able. I just don't really understand what came over me this morning.
so now you know that frustration is a mayor trigger for you. You probably don´t want to hear this so soon after a relapse, but if there is a way, maybe with meditation or a breathing technique or your favorite music or walk in nature or with the dog or handywork or car or bike ride or whatever, to calm you down as soon as you feel frustrated the next time, to find a way to keep a space between what is happening on the outside and your feelings and reactions to it, a wait and see attitude, observing without too much judgement, because judgement adds to stress and frustration. Discernement could be a tool to use instead.
If you judge yourself too much after a relapse, it will keep you frustrated and stuck. Find a way that fits you to be prepared when the next trigger appears and have a strategy or process to manage the trigger as best as possible without your drug of choice.
Just a thought.
All the best,
I just noticed they I came of like a know it all or like lecturing you in my previous post. This is not my intention. Maybe I myself will relapse today or tomorrow. We are all in this together and days free are not necessarily a badge of credentials. I hope you don´t take it the wrong way. All the best on your journey.
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