This struggle is exhausting. Who could have thought that one of the biggest trials we as individuals face in this generation is combating an addiction with its foundations in a virtual world. It's the virus of accepted insanity and I've been infected and dealing with the consequences for 19 years. 65% of my life and over two thirds of my daily experience as a human being, living this one life, the only life I'll have has been spent subjugated and enslaved to something both socially acceptable and ubiquitous within society. I wan't to rid myself of this curse but keep coming back to my master. I don't know how to live without it. It's my comfort when I'm stressed, when things don't go my way during the day, could be something inconsequential in reflection or it can be something challenging. No matter what, my crux and my reassurance is found in pmo. It's a depressing reality and it's a reality experienced since my first year as a teenager. Now I'm in my 30's I know I've spent less than 10% of all my subsequent days since I first witnessed p wasting time watching something that doesn't exist in reality. Knowing that I've spent more time pmo'ing than bettering my life has caused all kinds of psychological problems. There's the practical life problems; procrastinating incessantly, wasting opportunities, not learning how to deal with stress. There's the relationship problems it's caused; desiring other women when I have a perfectly wonderful and supportive girlfriend, the seeking out of prostitutes to fulfil a desire that was manufactured and unnecessary, the bitterness and anger shown to friends, girlfriends, family; all resulting from guilt, shame, depression from the waste of time, money and energy, its source being pmo. There's the spiritual and emotional problems: The way I see myself in this world. Defeated, downcast, depressed, desolate as a result from my addiction. Then there's the economic problems as a result of all the above. But what am I supposed to do? I need to change. Before, I thought if I got to 25 or 28 or 30 and was still an addict then the situation would be hopeless. Now my mentality is that this is a life struggle. It's a demonic shadow over my life and in this life, perhaps my greatest battle before I die is becoming totally, undeniably free from its clutches and demands. So, if I beat this during these years it will be a success, if I beat it in my 70's it will be a success. Success is walking in eventual and complete freedom during this life from pmo. The great difference is the sooner I lift the curse the healthier I'll be. In relationships, spiritually, psychologically, financially. Therefore this is a fighters diary with renewed motivation as I attempt to battle my disabler one more time.