Trying to be better

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nomoreaddiction86, Aug 2, 2018.

  1. This struggle is exhausting. Who could have thought that one of the biggest trials we as individuals face in this generation is combating an addiction with its foundations in a virtual world. It's the virus of accepted insanity and I've been infected and dealing with the consequences for 19 years.

    65% of my life and over two thirds of my daily experience as a human being, living this one life, the only life I'll have has been spent subjugated and enslaved to something both socially acceptable and ubiquitous within society.

    I wan't to rid myself of this curse but keep coming back to my master. I don't know how to live without it. It's my comfort when I'm stressed, when things don't go my way during the day, could be something inconsequential in reflection or it can be something challenging. No matter what, my crux and my reassurance is found in pmo.

    It's a depressing reality and it's a reality experienced since my first year as a teenager. Now I'm in my 30's I know I've spent less than 10% of all my subsequent days since I first witnessed p wasting time watching something that doesn't exist in reality.

    Knowing that I've spent more time pmo'ing than bettering my life has caused all kinds of psychological problems. There's the practical life problems; procrastinating incessantly, wasting opportunities, not learning how to deal with stress.

    There's the relationship problems it's caused; desiring other women when I have a perfectly wonderful and supportive girlfriend, the seeking out of prostitutes to fulfil a desire that was manufactured and unnecessary, the bitterness and anger shown to friends, girlfriends, family; all resulting from guilt, shame, depression from the waste of time, money and energy, its source being pmo.

    There's the spiritual and emotional problems: The way I see myself in this world. Defeated, downcast, depressed, desolate as a result from my addiction.

    Then there's the economic problems as a result of all the above.

    But what am I supposed to do? I need to change. Before, I thought if I got to 25 or 28 or 30 and was still an addict then the situation would be hopeless. Now my mentality is that this is a life struggle. It's a demonic shadow over my life and in this life, perhaps my greatest battle before I die is becoming totally, undeniably free from its clutches and demands.

    So, if I beat this during these years it will be a success, if I beat it in my 70's it will be a success. Success is walking in eventual and complete freedom during this life from pmo. The great difference is the sooner I lift the curse the healthier I'll be. In relationships, spiritually, psychologically, financially.

    Therefore this is a fighters diary with renewed motivation as I attempt to battle my disabler one more time.
  2. It's the third day since I last pmo'd and I can feel the usual signs of lapsing. I'm not overly stressed but I'm anxious. I have a busy afternoon today then a hectic two days to follow. I feel like I need reassurance and time to comfort. But I also realise how pathetic that is, and I want to remain resolute in the face of deceit. It's a crime against myself to continue in these behavioural patterns. If I do fall it's as if I was a big 33 year old baby needing a comfort blanket and pacifier. It's fucking ridiculous and I know I must break the cycle.

    Each time I've decided to attempt to try I get drawn back to old habits through these ways usually. As this diary is a way for me to understand my mind better, to increase my consciousness to provide fertile soil for growth I'll list them here.

    1. Stress. P is a drug. It's a readily available drug that costs practically nothing and provides a hit of dopamine from within. Research has shown the p addiction is similar if not stronger to break than heroin addiction. So, when I'm stressed and having to deal with the realities of life, like a junkie, I'll revert to this easy high to escape my present. For most of my life this has been a daily hit, often first thing in the morning to blast my mind somewhere else and live in a fantasy realm for an hour to delay the inevitable struggle of daily life.

    The solution - be conscious of this habit, understand that it can only, and has only, made my life worse. Increases stress and like a fix of heroin is guaranteed to bring a down and withdrawal symptoms perpetuating the cycle. Freedom is required.

    2. Novelty. After a few days or slightly more of no pmo I'll be fascinated by the strength of my erection again, the increase in testosterone. Furthermore, a few days without p makes the poison appear almost novel, like a big bag of weed after a drought when I was 17. It's exciting, enticing and compelling. It's also defeating and empty. Like a hook on the end of the line I'll be caught and rolled back into my addiction.

    The solution - use the wisdom of my experiences to understand the signs, to not be naive anymore and to recognise that I am a man, and like a man testosterone and the energy coming from it is to be used positively in the tasks I need to to fulfil, to improve my life and lay the foundations for my future. I also need to daily remind myself that pmo is a mirage in the desert, what it promises it can never provide and can only leave my feeling empty.

    3. Women. Unsurprisingly, after days without pmo women become much more attractive. Both in their personality and physically. I'm also more confident and engaging and as a result interactions become how they were meant to be. Wonderful and natural. As a consequence I'll want to pmo after these reactions and fantasise about these women.

    4. Boredom.

    Solution - use the increased energy I have to start and complete already existing tasks. To shed my immaturity and focus on leading a successful life.

    Solution - self control, enjoyment of being human, not turn something good into something wasteful. I have a beautiful girlfriend and the sexual frustrations should be taken out (positively) on her.

    That's it for today.
  3. Six days have passed since my last post and I've relapsed three times. The first was out of boredom and anxiety. The second was because of stress at missing an important train I had to catch, which proved costly. That led in to the third time when I was still so stressed and tired from the day before. However, that means I've been pmo free for four days this week which is a success. For those four days I didn't automatically reach for my laptop and p when waking each morning, to see who's scenes had just been released. I didn't waste hours of those days searching for the perfect scene - which doesn't exist - and I refused to be dragged in and bound by my imagination. During those four days I experienced freedom, and it was good.

    This 'escape for freedom' attempt I've begun is coinciding with quitting smoking. I'm going to try and rid myself of the toxins from tar and nicotine in my body, and the poisonous residue of p's memory within my mind. The only way I'll be able to achieve both will be to flood my body with endorphins through exercise, and attain two periods of guaranteed calmness and tranquility during the day with meditation. I have to rebuild the neural pathways in my mind, and build a stronger body, and one that experiences less stress, and when stress does arrive, I'll have the tools to respond to it positively without resorting to pmo.

    I'm also going to be realistic and focus on massively cutting down on pmo. This first week, I've had four successful free days. If you offered me that for the next chapter of my life I'd bite your hand off for it. I don't believe that's poverty of low expectations, on the contrary, that would be great progress from seven days a week of addiction, and on the majority of those days 2 or 3 relapses. (I'll now call relapses just that, and not falls or failures.)

    That being said, of course I want complete freedom. I'd never want to pmo again if I had the choice, if it was as simple as flicking a switch. But for now, massively cutting down, focussing on improving my life and becoming more productive and having the majority of days I exist pmo free is the goal. I'd hazard a guess to say that since I was 13 years old I'd have an average of 40 days free of pmo each year. If I can get that up to 300 or so, then my life will have been massively improved, and I'll be the better for it.

    There's also a great motivation to go pmo free, and that's the improvement to my health, to my mind, and to my voice as a result of abstinence of pmo. I've got a very deep voice and after numerous strangers approaching me and telling me I should do voice over work I'm going to give it a try. It's also from my prior experience that I know my voice becomes clearer, deeper, and more authoritative and confident even after 6 or 7 days of no pmo. That's what I've got to aim for, for now, and bask in the future benefits that'll travel my way.
  4. So I've relapsed. I'm determined to continue writing my diary on here and not getting overwhelmed with guilt and frustration that I stop noting down my thoughts.

    I relapsed today for a few reasons. Firstly, I had had a very productive day and it seemed like a reward for me. Secondly, I'm with a girlfriend who I'm not sure I want to be with anymore, I'm not sure I find her attractive and therefore I don't know what the fuck to do. She has become so ingrained in my life and knows my family so well now, and is dreaming of a future with me, but I don't really want to be with her anymore. It's such a shame, I wish life was easier and I did wan't a future with her.

    I just don't want to fuck her anymore, but do other women, but I'm trying to work out how things can end, without tearing her apart. This is causing great stress, and I thought if I watched some p it would put me in the mood, unfortunately and probably predictably I couldn't stop watching once I had started.

    The third reason is I have some eye problems, again, this caused me stress today. These three things worked together and I wanted to escape for a while.

    The problem is that I now feel worse. I feel that my blood pressure has increased, I feel slightly dejected and depressed and I've lost my calmness that I carried about with me earlier today. I feel hungover and on a comedown.

    I have to try and remember this feeling, and convince myself pmo is never worth it, and remember this precise moment and talk to myself in the future of what this particular moment and the other times eventually and always end up feeling like.

    To make myself feel immediately better I'm now going to pray, meditate and then go for a run. I don't want to continue feeling down so I will take immediate and what I know to effective measures to better my mood right now.
  5. It's been 5 days of intense p use, fantasy and defeat. I was given 7 weeks to change my life, 7 weeks to finish 9 outstanding projects that I absolutely need to finish in order to move on with my life, and I've done next to nothing in week one. I've wasted 14% of the time I have available to me and it hurts. I now feel stupid.

    The pornography has numbed my brain, deadened my creativity, and left me feeling a shell of a man. The time I had was meant to be used wisely, and I sit here reviewing this last week as a 32 year old knowing that I've spent much of my time returning to my vomit. Fantasising about girls I'm never going to meet, would never really want a proper relationship with, and know from thousands of experiences that it's all for nothing. That pornography is a thief. It takes my energy - or I allow it too - and gives me nothing in return. It's utter waste, and I know this more than anyone, yet for some unfathomable reason find it almost impossible to resist.

    I'll have my daily plans, know the steps I must take to have a productive day, and yet I won't be able to get rid of the nagging demon within that will tell me procrastinating over images of naked women is the best way to spend my time. It's hideously foolish and yet is my reality.

    I'm a desperate broken man, and I don't know what to do.
  6. My mind was full of negativity last night. Another day had come and gone, and it was yet one more day in which I had squandered opportunities, chasing the escaping rush of pmo for hours, leaving me unsatisfied and full of self-hated as I turned my back on the day and went to bed.

    Who owns me, and who controls my decisions? Why can't I accomplish the daily tasks I need to do, and instead waste my life in an addiction to pornography?

    I'm not religious, and have a complicated relationship to Christianity. I haven't been to church for years and have little intention going for myself anytime soon. Yet there's a bible passage I've been meditating over this morning that has really stuck a cord. It's this:

    "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."

    This passage characterises addiction very well I think. I'm 33, I've wasted so many wonderful opportunities in my life. With beautiful girlfriends, going back throughout my education, to jobs and decent money I could have earned, and in many other ways. The thousands upon thousands of hours I could have used to improve myself, to date, to read and develop my intellect, confidence and mind, were not used. Instead, I spent those hours doing the very thing I hated, which is watching pornography and masturbating.

    I hate pmo so much that if God gives me the choice saying: "I could remove your pmo addiction in an instant to never return, and you will spend the next 20 years of your life productively, but then will die" - I would take that option. I would knowingly take a decision to die early rather than risk living until my 80's and beyond being an addict to pornography. I'd probably even take just the next 10 years living in freedom to then die; such is my addiction, and such is my frustration with a daily existence spent doing the very thing I hate.

    But part of me hates Christianity for not helping me in this matter. That above verse is from Paul, the great evangelist who himself says he feels powerless in his life's race, facing the ever present pull of sin, and perhaps vice. Therefore what chance do we have? It's as if God bore us into this world half paralysed, and demands all of us to run the 100m sprint in under 10 seconds.

    I even hated my addiction to pornography so much, that after 3 years of pmo'ing at the age of 16, I took a knife to my arm and slashed myself with thin linear cuts 12 or so times. In bright light the scars were evident from a couple of feet away, so I got a big tattoo a year later to cover my scars. The tattoo was of a powerful beast, I gave one explanation to friends of why I had chosen that design. The truth was that this great powerful animal represented the strength I so desperately wanted and needed, but didn't yet and still to this day do not have.

    I just don't understand why Christianity explains our sin, and the sin of addiction, but despite praying, fasting, begging even, God to release us from our addictions, he doesn't do it, and leaves it to us to experience it in all of its grotesqueness and destruction, leaving us to gain the wisdom and power in our own strength to conquer. Or to otherwise remain conquered and wasted until the day we cannot go on.

    The addiction of pmo is so strong, so ubiquitous, so socially acceptable, so easy to find and consume, that God and Christianity do not have the answers in how to tackle and defeat it I feel. Congregations and many pastors are addicts, just like us here, and just like so many of the people in this world alive at this time.

    "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." Says Paul.

    That's a desperate message. A message of struggle that I refuse to tolerate throughout my life. I have to find a way. I'm determined to live starting with this day pmo free, then I will struggle again tomorrow.

    I need order and routine. I need the discipline of regularity. I have to start my day in prayer and meditation, make my bed, then write 2,000 words each day, on here and elsewhere. I have to do that every day I can for the rest of my life (barring weekends of course!).

    If I can start each day like this, then I will have been productive, I will have given myself a small victory against procrastination and pornography, and then I can hopefully take that success with me throughout the rest of the day.
  7. Yesterday was good. I managed to break the cycle of the prior five days, a cycle of continuous, obsessive porn use. Sometimes that intense addiction can last weeks, but I was aware to the problem, and committed to this diary, that I knew each day I had to attempt to quit despite my failures of the previous day or days.

    That knowledge gave me power, and yesterday, I put into action the plan I had devised to combat my life's problems and it worked. I stuck to the plan of being productive in the morning. Completing the daily tasks I needed to manage and writing this diary before I moved onto other tasks and even had breakfast or had a shower. I prayed and thanked God reminding myself of all the good things in my life. I meditated and consciously, mindfully started to repair my brain and rebuild the damaged and destroyed neurotransmitters in my mind. These actions brought a sense of accomplishment before I had a shower yesterday, and I took that sense of achievement with me throughout the day.

    This day - and I hope all the other days I live trying to break this curse - I'm going to try and remind myself of the benefits of no fap.

    I wan't more energy, more confidence, more natural sexual energy with women, I want better skin and an even deeper voice. I want to experience lasting victory. I want to conquer my demons and walk around around in power, the power of truth over fantasies and the lies and shame it brings. I want bigger, stronger erections and above all I want my time back. I've wasted years of my life and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to sleep better and go to bed earlier. I want to wake up earlier and seize and attack the day. I want to sleep better and less, not napping or escaping my depressed existence. I want my life radically changed and I want to reach a time in my life where I've forgotten about pmo and can delete this account to never return.
  8. I wake up at the moment and as soon as I do I mediate for 5 minutes a day. It's early days and my mind is full of distractions for the most part. However, I'm getting 20 or 30 second patches where I'm in complete control of my thoughts and allowing none to enter. I had an image today of someone at a sowing machine stitching a pair of ripped jeans. That's the way I envisage this battle at the moment. The rewiring is repairing my brain damage.

    It's day three, and still no pmo which is wonderful. I woke up today thinking about an ex girlfriend. I hadn't thought for a while about her and checked her instagram. She's a photographer but occasionally posts semi naked pictures of herself as she did this morning. Usually, that would have been a trigger. Both in my pmo obsessive days or when I'm on a slightly longer stretch of freedom than now, and think myself deserving of a relapse. Today however, I didn't run, I didn't perv over that image, I just saw it for what it was. A bland image of a blander girl who used to hate sexually suggestive imagery but now does the same. I put my phone down, meditated then wrote two thousand words for my job. It was an easy, boring victory without drama or great will power.

    It's another early success but I know tougher battles will arrive. I've been thinking about other triggers during decent freedom stretches and here are some.

    1. Fear that I'm missing out. Whether it's thoughts of an ex, soft p on tv, a pretty girl talking/flirting with me, thoughts of other girls I could have dated, could possibly date. All of that shit makes me jealous, feeling like I'm missing out, and I'll think it acceptable, natural and necessary to pmo. I'll immediately regret it and feel like a slave. I'll feel cheated by my temptations and like a loser for giving in to something deep down I know will leave me unsatisfied and empty.

    2. Success is exhausting. I'm not entirely sure whether it's because I can be lazy, whether it's because I can be so rebellious at times (like most people), whether I can get bored, or whether it's because I can be so self destructive. But when I build up days of freedom I'll throw it all away, knowingly, to further anxiety, loss of concentration, many wasted hours, all chasing pmo which I know to be unfruitful.

    I'm trying to understand why I do these things. I want to go beyond the simple explanations because they haven't helped in the past. I know I need to replace this addiction with a better life, with positive growth and enjoy not pmoing. And thats the wonderful thing, this feels so bloody great now to have been 3 days free. I just need to figure out how to keep this run going for as long as possible now.
  9. It's nearly four days since my last relapse and I'm thankful for this time. There's two things going on that are positive and surprising to me. The first is how active my brain is at night now. I'm no longer deadened by the day, numbed by pmo, and regretting and hating certain things about my life and myself, to the extent that I'm looking forward to sleep and unconsciousness. I'm also no longer wasting time late at night watching unnecessary netflix or documentaries, I'm self disciplined and conscious of the fact I need sleep, and all the more remarkable, I'm looking forward to getting up early the next day, and attacking the day. I look forward to improving myself, growing mentally, learning new things and being active.

    And yet this is normal life! What I'm temporarily enjoying is what my ancestors would have experienced, and what millions of other men experience each day. It's a crazy fucked up thing, that I'm getting high on life, normal life, and it's magnificent. In the chapters of my life where I'm tightly bound in my addiction I'll smirk at life, I'll be full of sarcasm and snobbery when I hear or see people espousing the joys of life, and I'll want to get through the day as best I can, for years to the point at night where I'll have a spliff and get high, or drink, or fuck my girlfriend well enough while thinking about pornstars.

    I'm not thinking like that at this moment in time. My hope, and my wish, is that I'll continue to enjoy this beautiful normalcy, and continue to finish this fight and stay the course.

    The second surprise is that I feel a much greater sense of self control. I think it's because I've simultaneously given up smoking as with porn, and having two addictions to conquer is actually a positive for me. A victory on one front reinforces my sense of self belief that I'll be victorious on the other. Part of this very early success - and renewed determination to use this site as one of my battlegrounds in this fight - stems from having greater energy, or stronger artillery if you will, and I think that's emanating from the increased productivity in my writing, that brings a sense of achievement. This sense of positivity is reinforced by growth, arising from meditating first thing in the morning, and then another one or two times during the day. I feel my brain starting to repair itself - hence the greater activity at night - and that acts as a great encouragement to continue on the journey.

    Two other positive aspects from this week are my renewed determination to get physically fit, to run one or two times each day, and to have cold showers afterwards. I feel my lungs starting to repair, I've got my self discipline and energy back, and all of these renewed actions feed into one another, working beneficially.

    Tough times lie ahead however. I see my girlfriend tomorrow, I haven't seen her for a week as we're walking though rocky ground. If we have sex, then that could be a trigger, and if we don't, seeing her will be stressful and I could fall back into pmo. I don't want that, and I want to remain shrouded within this foggy sky, where temptation and my worst self are impotent to recognise me, powerless to arrest me, and I can advance further in the direction of sunny uplands, and into a future living in bucolic freedom, moving on from my former self a little more each day.
  10. I feel so tempted right now. All of a sudden a couple of hours ago I had one thought about something and I've indulged myself in the thought. I keep trying to fight it, but it's almost as if I want to be tempted. These last four days have been amazing but I'm a rebel at heart and part of me wants to fall, wants to wallow and suffer. It's pathetic, I've got to stop this relapse, I've got to consider myself already free, I've got to realise my personal responsibility and resist. I've got to walk in freedom. I'm arriving here to confess that pmo leads to nothing good. Pmo will continue to reduce my life quality, it will poison and damage my mind, ruin my brain, stop me from achieving all the things I want to achieve in my life. My social anxiety will return, my concentration will be reduced, I'll fail these next five weeks, my projects won't be completed, I'll remain physically unfit, spiritually weak, a pathetic impression of the person I should and could become. No more. I resist, I will not relapse today, I will not relapse tomorrow. I will walk in freedom.
  11. Four days had come and gone and all was feeling well, my mind was in overdrive, to repair itself and also relishing not being saturated in this toxin. Productivity had increased, and with it so had calmness, confidence and a deeper voice. I was enjoying life and feeling optimistic about both the present and future.

    But then inexplicably a thought came into my head about a particular ass and I dwelt on it a few times. If I had wanted to resist I could have, as I say I was enjoying life and I knew which way this road leads. But p is addictive for a reason. It's still rebellious to me, and still exiting on a dullish day. I've a self destructive streak and I thought fuck it, lets just have a look and enjoy myself a little. It's been a good week and I've learnt this little indulgence.

    As I gave into the temptation I felt this incredible, chemical like rush flood my body. It was a drug like fix, not as strong as ecstasy obviously but it was very noticeable that I was doing something to my mind and body that was changing the balance and chemical make up of myself. My breath shortened and my heart rate quickened. All as it would have done if I had being about to screw a beautiful girl. That night I edged and masturbated. Over the next five days I've watched porn an average of two to three hours per day.

    I've experienced a complete lack of control again, each evening vowing to myself that tomorrow would be different and I wouldn't pmo. Each morning doing the very thing I had sworn not to. I cannot control this.

    My confidence is lower now, as with my concentration. I've felt more annoyed with people, less productive and my hope for both the present has decreased. I'm back on here this morning because my sexual drive had finally depleted itself, today I didn't wake up with a hard on and I have a brief window once more to get on the wagon before shit hits the fan again. When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop and all..
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    How is it going now? The first days will probably be extremely tough again, but keep focused on what's out there after another 4 days, or 7, or 14, etc. As you realized yourself, you'll be more confident and concentrated. You'll have more satisfying interaction with others. It's so worth it. You'll have ups and downs during the process, but keep on going. Stay away from fantasies. They will make things more difficult. Just say NO when they pop up, like described in this post:
  13. Thanks man, I'll have a read of that now.

    Friday was good, and went pmo free. Yesterday I woke up tired and depressed, it had been a difficult week. I've started this diary at the same time as I'm breaking up with my long term girlfriend. It's a delicate balance, as the relationship has been good and she's a wonderful person. We're breaking up because I've moved for work, and the relationship isn't completely right. I don't know how much my addiction to p and my time spent looking and listening to the girls in p have affected my views, physically, towards my (soon to be ex) girlfriend. My friends and family think she's great but I don't feel that physical intense passion towards her, and so have chosen my career over a relationship. I don't know whether I'll live to regret that.

    We still have some ties to work through. It means there's no clean break, and therefore somedays I'm good and hopeful for my chosen future, and others are stressful, and I as a result I'm going back to the disaster of pmo as stress relief.

    I also think that after nearly 19 years of addiction, I might have to go hard mode, as any thought or slight temptation brings me crashing back. That's also difficult as the place I've moved to is full of hot girls and some of whom are showing an interest in me without me doing fuck all to encourage them. There's lots of temptations.

    Yesterday, after pmo, I had the biggest crash I've been conscious of, in years. When I go back to pmo now I'm really noticing the effect it has on my mind and body. Before, my frustration with pmo was mostly to do with how it wasted time and stopped me being productive. Of course it all ties in, however now I see how much it damages me mentally, and physically.

    It's as if I have an energy bar in my brain, and if I have a pmo session, then I'll be left with that bar at 20% for the rest of the day, which is just enough to do the menial work tasks, to eat, shower, and answer emails and calls. If I socialise then I'll require alcohol to give me the increased energy back that I've depleted.

    After three or four days of pmo I'll wake with my energy/life bar at 100%, and I'll still be on around 80% at the end of the day, and looking forward to the next day. When I wake up on mornings where I pmo'd the day before, I feel like I'm on about 60%, and the day ahead of me is viewed with difficulty, and I'm focusing on the negatives and the chores more than the positives that can be accomplished.

    I'm glad I've recognised that now, and much more than before any other attempt to be free.

    I have to chose to remain conscious of that for the rest of my life, when faced with these stark choices.

    1. I enjoy the daily ephemeral pleasure of watching p, and flood my mind with addictive images, but know I must be reduced and limited in many if not all other areas in my life.

    2. I forego the pleasure of p, but have the limits I myself have placed on my life removed, and progress in my life through blood, sweat and tears to reach the progress that is surely possible.

    I have to see myself like an alcoholic from now on. The alcoholic has loved the taste of alcohol for years. Has had many great nights getting smashed in pubs, clubs and at home, but that addiction has fucked his mind, body, and life up. And as much as he'd love just the odd taste here and there he can't, for he has no control what comes after just that one drink, and it will likely lead to days, weeks, months of further addiction before he can attempt recovery one more time.

    I am a porn addict. I have been since I was 13. I cannot control this addiction, but I must keep on trying to never look at it again.
  14. I got through yesterday without pmo. My brain is still in a fog and I feel tireder than I should do. I woke up this morning and decided I do need a goal to set my mind to. The longest I've ever gone without pmo is 39 days. That was when I was 15! I became addicted to porn at 13. I did a 28 day stretch at 24 and then 7 or so days at 28. Since then I've not managed to go beyond 4 or 5 days.

    I want to reach and aim for 40 days and for my record. I'm on day two now. When I get to 40 days I'll then aim for 100 days free.

    I've also decided that I need a bit of structure to these posts. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I've made in the past and I need to try something different.

    For the next 39 days, each day I'm going to write one thing I hate about pmo. I'm going to do this because at day 4 or 5 I seem to forget, and focus on how much I miss it, and how exciting it is. That's when I give in and start all this over again.
  15. 1. I hate how much I love pmo.

    When I was 10, my mum took me and my sisters on holiday to Spain. It was the summer my Dad finally left after a messy break up with my mum that took years to reach that point. It was a shitty time. We were all scarred a little in some way from the fighting, constant arguing and occasional violence. I also did have many good days during my childhood. I grew up in the countryside with good pals and we were free to roam. We played lots of sport and had adventures. But home life was rough and I learnt early on to be withdrawn around my family and to shelter myself from the fights. My life encouraged an imagination and the ability to live within it, when I needed to.

    Back on this holiday at 10 I befriended some Spanish kids my own age or a bit older and we played football and messed around as kids do. One night, towards the end of the holiday there was a huge fireworks display in the city we were staying in. I went off with my new friends to one of the older boys houses and he showed us all soft-core pornography. Like the fireworks exploding in that night sky something lit up inside my mind.

    I had never seen women in a sexualised way, the way they danced and exposed themselves. It was fascinating and exiting for me. The next day at the beach I remember starring at all the naked bodies, and being paralysed with amazement as I took a shower next to a bare breasted woman at the beach.

    Three years passed until I got a call from my best mate to go round his house as he had got something cool to show me. Together with his brother, we watched hours of videos he had got his hands on, from a mate of his. It was hard-core porn, orgies, everything. My heart pounded and my brain was rewired as I sat transfixed to what I was watching.

    I loved it. I loved the novelty, the adventure, the perversion, the escapism. I made my mate lend me one of the three hour videos on a long term loan. I watched and memorised every second of that video and can still remember it nearly 20 years later. I had the video for about a year before I destroyed it but watched it nearly every day. Also during that year I got my hands on a few different magazines, and one more video to obsess over.

    The problem is that I've never been able to rid myself of the feelings I initially felt those two times at 10 and 13. I know this addiction cripples me. I know how much time is wasted. I know the damaging physiological and psychological effects it brings. I know that I've wasted money seeing prostitutes to chase the highs I've watched in porn about 10-15 times, most of those times when I've been in relationships with much nicer women. I know that I can never be satisfied and will chase and chase images and videos for that perfect fix, knowing it won't arrive. I know how it makes me angry, with a foggy, irritated mind that snaps at people I love. I know all of this.

    And yet, after 4 or 5 days of no pmo I forget all the damage and harm it has brought me, and I'll miss it. I hate that the thing I've watched more than anything else in my life is the thing that's brought me more damage than anything else in my life. I hate that I love it, I hate that I'm still so intrigued and excited by it.
  16. 2. I hate how pmo has robbed me of my energy. Up until 13 I was very energetic, strong willed and confident. Since 13 and since my addiction to pmo most of the time lived I've been easily tired, wee-willed, and lacking in confidence. I know the two are related because during the short and infrequent times of sustained no pmo I have more energy, I'm positive and hopeful, and I have much more confidence with women and generally.

    Pmo takes my life force. It takes the sexual energy and testosterone that should be used for good and beneficial activities. It chews it up, spits it out and leaves me a shadow of the man I know I can be. After watching in the afternoons or evenings all I'll want to do is sleep. Sleeping and waking up with a foggy mind, unrested and depressed.

    When alone it's one of the first things I'll run to when home from work, and it's the first thing I'll reach to, in the mornings. It not only robs me of my energy but fools me into thinking it's what I need to feel energised.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Great posts man. I relate to the difficulties to say farewell to porn. It has always been there for us when we needed it, being lonely, down, angry, stressed, etc. What is a future without that warm blanket to hide under? Now, after 6 years of trying, I finally dare to say that I can and live without porn. Still not there, but I crossed a mental barrier. Before, I could say 'never again', but I was not congruent with how I felt deep inside. I wanted to keep the option open. I think it's a matter of finally dealing with reasons why we need porn. Besides, it will get easier to accept, after you have gotten the taste of initial rewiring. Life does get better and abstaining does get more manageable.

    One note about your physical attraction to your ex; it could very well be porn related. The sex between me and my wife got so much better since I cut down on P and M and I am so much more attracted to her physically, eventhough she (well, we both:D) are ageing now …..
  18. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    This is a great idea. I read your first two reasons for hating porn and found them to be very enlightening. That whole backstory about your past can be likened to most of our first experiences. I remembered finding Playboy magazines in my father's dresser drawer when I was 11 and ever since I'd been hooked. When I reached my teens I'd watch porn with other friends at their houses when their parents weren't home. It was like it was so accepting and normal. I think back on those experiences and realize today that none of those same friends are even remotely interested in porn anymore. Just last week I had a conversation with one of them and he flat out told me that he had to quit porn years ago because it was screwing with his view on life and he feels immensely better for it. My other friend is also married but very successful with his electric business and he hasn't touched porn since our twenties. I have NO idea why I'm the one who can't get over it. I've actually tried to get my wife and past girlfriends to enjoy it but they just think it's weird. They're completely right and I'm just under the influence of an addictive brain disorder. Sad.

    I hope you're staying strong man! I'm on day 4, which means you should be on day 5 if I'm not mistaken? Keep in touch.
  19. Thanks for both of your replies, I'd reply a little more myself but I've just flown into the town I used to live with my girlfriend in. For an attempt to try and resolve or most likely end our relationship. Should be a fun evening. Hopefully I won't be pmo'ing later, although this has been eerily the easiest 4 days free I've ever experienced. Hopefully something's twigged in my mind. However, under no circumstances can I take this addiction/disease lightly, therefore I'll continue with my 3rd reason to hate porn.

    3. I hate porn as it creates a split personality within my mind, but in reference today specifically to my views on women. When binging - which has been most of the time since I was 13 - I idolise pornstars, or at least a few of them. It's fucking pathetic and not something I like to admit, as that particular truth seems so immature and, well, weird.

    When addicted, I absorb the fantasy and base my desire for girlfriends/wives to be like the women I watch in porn. Most previous girlfriends have been sexually adventurous, but at the same time there's been an incompatibility with our characters. I'm about to break up with my current long term girlfriend, who isn't like a pornstar or could act like one, and I don't know whether it's a little bit because she can't compete with the women I watch on screen. I just don't know.

    What I do know is that after 4 or 5 days free, I feel more confident with women, have more testosterone and yet I'll behave as totally less of a perv with women. I care more about them and stop viewing them as only an ass and a pair of tits. It's crazy when I think about it. I view nearly a quarter of mankind completely differently depending whether I'm in a period of addiction, or whether I'm experiencing freedom. I hate porn for that.
  20. I have to be vigilant today. I broke up with my girlfriend last night. It was horrible and I'm tired and stressed today. I didn't resort to pmo last night despite all the sadness and anxiety, which is good. It's day 5 and I'm trying to focus on a hard reset, getting to that first milestone of 40 days, then on to 100. The break up may have been the right or wrong decision, I don't know yet. What it absolutely will do, is give me the time I need to focus completely on personal growth and progress, and leaving these vile addictions behind once and for all.

    4. I hate porn because even when you're being incredibly disciplined and not pmo'ing during the day, like a viper you can still get bitten as you sleep. I hate how during these last two mornings I've woken up to pornographic images and scenes in my mind, and had to spend some minutes in and out of consciousness not knowing what was going on, only to fully wake up and realise I've done nothing wrong. I know this is a common problem for many at this time.

    Like a trojan horse, a virus, and a double agent, porn and the images burnt into your mind won't leave you when you desire, after making the decision to quit. Pornographic dreams have been the reason I've faltered a number of times, and it's this residual effect I face once more.

    I detest how deep these memories have permeated my psyche, and have stopped sleep becoming a trusted and reliable refuge at the end of the days battle. Porn is a malware of the mind, and I must continue to scan and quarantine all the infected files, and I must make sure I throw them out in the trash can one by one.

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