Trying again

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by dlansky, Apr 18, 2018.

  1. dlansky

    dlansky A husband and father trying to do right.

    Hi, all,

    I participated in this forum a few years ago and a managed to avoid pornography for a couple of years. I had a few slip ups along the way, but it was no longer an everyday thing consuming countless hours of my time the way it once was. Since then, I have managed to take better control of some areas of my life, although I am at a stage in life where things are changing and I have to change with them.

    I am married and love my wife, although I feel like our intimacy has been lacking lately. I am a Catholic, and my faith is a big part of why I want to stop using pornography and masturbating. I am also a dad.

    I particularly struggle with hypnosis-related pornography and audio recordings. I often start out watching ASMR videos, telling myself that it's all innocent, but if I were being honest with myself I would admit that I should never watch those, even if the person making the video had the purist of intentions, because they invariably lead me to wanting more.

    I am hoping to find others who have similar goals to support one another through this struggle. I am also hoping to remember how I kept myself away from porn last time and approach things in a similar way, but without backsliding into it this time.
  2. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Those ASMR videos have this otherworldly, weird quality that I can see sucking someone back into pornography if they're not careful. If you're susceptible to ASMR it certainly does have a hypnotic effect. But, you recognize that they are the middle circle, slippery slope activity that sends you right back into it.

    I like your Aristotle quote in your sig, and it reminds me of the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It honestly helped me as much as anything that is actually geared toward recovery. You need to analyze your habits before they become addictions. And you have habits all day long that have nothing to do with negative behavior. It's just about a trigger, and action and a reward. Whatever reward you're getting starts with a trigger. You then move to an action to create the reward. Can you figure out a way to get the same reward with a different action?

    If you intimacy has been lacking...change it. Or talk about it. My wife and I don't have any more actual intercourse since I've been in recovery from porn addiction, but we do have more intimacy and can talk about things like we couldn't in the past. Communication is key. I think too many people confuse porn/sex problems that they have with marriage problems that both parties have. Don't let that fester to grow into something else. The last thing you need are two problems of that size.
    Saville likes this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You love P more, though. Addicts are all quick to talk about love and family, but when it comes down they pretty much get in the way of PMO. My marriage turned around when I gave up PMO and then gave myself permission to do my own journey.

    Keep posting!
  4. dlansky

    dlansky A husband and father trying to do right.

    Five years ago, that would have been an accurate statement. I feel like a few things are different this time. Back then, I really would try to shift other things around to make room for pornography. These days, I am taking bigger risks in other areas of my life, trying to accomplish things that require me to stretch a bit more and take me out of my comfort zone, and the pornography (as well as the ASMR videos) are a quick, easy escape. I feel like it's not as much about the porn or even the sexual gratification as it is about escaping the stress and frustration. I guess I need to find healthier ways to take that on.

    Still, your response challenges me to take a look at the "why," and I appreciate that.
    Saville likes this.
  5. dlansky

    dlansky A husband and father trying to do right.

    Thanks for the reply. I will look into the book.
  6. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    It's always very high up on Amazon lists. And while I'm not here to push my book, you sound a lot like me when it comes to family and professional ambition. For years, it was a way for me to stay away from porn, but in the end, was a major factor in me getting in so much deeper than I ever would have imagined. You might find it's a bit of a mirror for your life, and a cautionary tale. The info about it is in my sig.
  7. Bailey3

    Bailey3 New Member

    Thanks for the confirmation. I will try on Amazon for this book. Anyways can you give me an idea and price for this one?
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is great! :)

    Most of the time I was fapping to P because I was hiding, which sounds like what you are doing. Sometimes I would feel horny for P, but mostly I would do it because I was bored, stressed, angry, or tired. In my opinion, it is rationalizing to say that it isn't about sexual gratification. I think you know this. We stop, or we don't, there is no in between. Addicts are amazing at minimizing what they're doing and finding mitigating circumstances. I'm sure I've come up with every reason in the book before to excuse my past behavior.

    I had to look up what an ASMR video was. They seem harmless, but I guess for you it's P-lite. I have found moving slowly through life, through my thoughts, and doing the little jobs around me that I'd left for years, has provided a good foundation for staying away from P. Cold showers are also excellent, as they blast away the dead thinking that all addicts employ.

    Be as active in the forum as you can. You have much to offer the community. :)
  9. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    It's a wide range depending on which format you choose and if you do a new or a used version.
    Bailey3 likes this.
  10. Bailey3

    Bailey3 New Member

    oh, how many version doesn't it has?
  11. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    I don't know if you're talking about my book or the other one. Duhigg's has like 5 versions.....hardcover, softcover, audible, ebook and something book only has two...softcover and ebook. But when you buy something on Amazon, the price is always changing.
    Bailey3 likes this.
  12. Bailey3

    Bailey3 New Member

    No problem about the price. Anyways thanks for the info.
  13. dlansky

    dlansky A husband and father trying to do right.

    Still here. No PMO since Wednesday, but I did wake up feeling strongly tempted to listen to an erotic hypnosis recording around 3 a.m. this morning. Spent a half-hour reading from a Duke Ellington biography instead and then went back to sleep. However, I then had an extremely vivid dream that I was listening to an erotic hypnosis recording and actually woke up in the middle of, shall we say, a physical bodily response. This kind of thing has happened when I've gone a month or so without PMO, and happened every few months during my two years away from PMO'ing, but I was very surprised to have it happen less than five days since my last PMO. I have been under more stress than usual lately, but it's not like I've been thinking about porn much over these last five days, so I thought this was odd.
  14. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    You can't control certain involuntary bodily functions (dreaming...what did you think I was talking about?) so I wouldn't sweat what your subconscious is doing. You made the correct decisions and that is what's important. Good job.
  15. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I got into some the of the hypno stuff, it's evil. But it can be defeated! Keep going.
  16. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    I'm also trying to overcome PMO because of my commitment to following Jesus. And because it wrecks my life.

    Many ASMR or hypnosis videos are erotic so you have to avoid those kind. And if it's a strong problem for you it's better not to listen to them at all. However, I have a playlist of self-hypnosis audios that I listen to every day that have been hugely helpful to me in overcoming anxiety. In my life, PMO has often served a self-medication function for anxiety. So working on removing anxiety has helped me start to experience more success over PMO. Self-hypnosis has helped me reprogram years of negative self-talk and just have a more calm default setting.

    It's not for everyone, but it's been a breakthrough for me with the specific issue of anxiety.

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