trying again - need help

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Lonely Mountain, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    Hello
    I have tried before and failed but will keep trying until I win.
    Been a chronic PMO all my life since pre pruberty.

    short story: for the last 3 years I have been heartbroken after breaking up with the only girl I have ever really loved

    I tried to hide my pain by dating a LOAD of girls immediately after my break up, I played around with several at a time; but after the thrills were exhausted I felt empty.

    I realised 2 things:

    1. PMO is clouding my judgement about what I qualities I want (i.e. easy hook ups or real qualities that count)
    2. I am escaping from pain from my breakup and current loneliness

    Dating has hurt; girls I like just don't like me, and the ones who like me I use for hooks ups.
    I decided to quit after I felt ashamed; making girls cry and stringing them along.
    I deleted all my contacts and removed myself from dating websites.

    Not thinking about hooking up with randoms dates means I now focus on my ex 100% if the time; which guys she has been with after breaking up etc, I am becoming a jealous crazy ex :(

    My friends and every girl I have liked in the past are all married now, some with kids.
    I feel depressed about my life choices, why I missed the boat and why I'm alone now.

    I really don't know what to do, please help me.
    There just seems to a lot of pain beyond anything I can handle.

    Thanks
     
  2. pepe

    pepe New Member

    I could be way off, so huge grain of salt; my read is that you tend to reject women that are into you. You said you use them to hook up. Why not try to start a real relationship with someone who is into you. She doesn't have to be perfect, but if she's into you, she'll treat you the way you want to be treated. Porn messes with our expectations for physical beauty and frequency of sex, maybe that's part of your relationship woes. Just a thought.
     
  3. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    Thanks Pepe, sadly you are 100% correct, I am shallow and always compare any new girl with my "perfect ex".

    I always look for negatives in the person I am dating instead of allowing myself to fall for them.

    But I think mutual attractiveness is the most important feature in a relationship, I want to walk down the street feeling 7ft high knowing I have done well for myself. The way I used to feel with my ex.

    I have been clean for 3 days and working on changing the way I see girls, the personality rather than just the looks.
    Its hard work!!
     
  4. pepe

    pepe New Member

    Keep looking and don't beat yourself up so much. You need to get over your ex, you gotta stop comparing women to her and trying to recreate your probably skewed memory of that relationship. Life is about experiences, that one is over, find new ones. I don't see anything wrong with hooking up, but if it makes you feel bad or you only want monogamous sex, I get it. Breaking hearts on purpose is lame, but if you give someone a shot and she's not for you, shit happens, man.
     
  5. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    Thanks Pepe, your words really helped me a lot and I've tried to stop being so hard on myself and just accept the choices I made.

    I have stopped watching Porn for over 2 weeks now but I still MO on off which is the really hard part to stop.

    I only notice major improvements when I stop PMO and MO together.
    I guess because MO is still fantasy and imagination, which goes against rebooting.

    I'm not counting days I've been clean but it's hard to change the mindset of using PMO and more so MO recently to escape from pain of being single and lonely.

    I try to keep busy but sometimes we all just need to find some tlc.
     
  6. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    update on my journal:

    July was a good month, went a week without any PMO or MO!
    I even got to a stage where I started disliking the concept of watching Porn! (amazing to think I could even get to that stage)

    However after a session of facetime sex with an old flame, I started on the path of frequent MO and eventually PMO.

    I noticed the signs and triggers why I do this, the cycle is:

    1. I feel sad and lonely
    2. I think about past relationships
    3. I MO thinking about these sexual experiences
    4. I make contact with girls, flirting and sexting etc
    5. I use PMO as an escape
    6. Repeat

    I realise defeating PMO is more about how we see ourselves and promoting a healthy relationship with girls.
    When I stayed clean, I did so much in my free time, now I just come home after work and sit glued on my phone.
    I have made small steps to avoid temptation, ie delete all ex phone numbers etc

    the major problem I have is an urge to MO, I think I am addicted to the O :(
    I can't even stay clean for one day anymore, any suggestions?
     
  7. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    update for everyone, August has continued as a freefall back into my old PMO ways

    BUT I don't feel bad about it, I am not sure if that's a sign that I am either avoiding the issue or feeling so sad that I am escaping from pain :-\

    Again a lack of activity and keeping busy results in porn. I have only been a few times to the gym this month, lost a lot of my gains.

    I think the answer is to keep busy and continuously remind yourself every day why you wanted to stop PMO and MO no matter how well you think you are doing. I even skipped logging days on my anti PMO app :mad:

    I just need help resisting the first few days for PMO and MO, I tend to build up some momentum after I escape the brain fog.

    Any advice?
     
  8. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    Ok bad month so far. Been super stressed at work and been PMO every day sometimes twice a day, so far into brain fog I can't even tell who I am anymore :(

    I rejoined a dating website and that's made me even more depressed about being single and the prospects of finding someone special.

    Don't know what to do
     
  9. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    I just come home everyday from work and sit fixated on my phone watching porn.
    Not been going to the gym at all and the worst part is I have stopped caring about everything.

    I just downloaded a porn blocker app so perhaps that will help.
     
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    You post here, so you still care.

    Regardless of how good/bad things are going, it's the intention that counts. Do you want to improve your life, do you want to get over your ex, do you want to meet a better woman and start a relationship with her and do you want to have the most amazing sex with your girlfriend? If the answer is yes, then you know WHY you are doing all this.

    With this intention in the back of your head, get up and start over. Every. Damn. Time. Until you're healed.

    Go watch the original Rocky movie.
     
  11. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    Thanks, Rocky IV is actually my favourite one :)

    Joking aside, I did some soul searching and realised I have lost my faith.
    I was doing a mental exercise earlier today and trying to visualise what I wanted in my life and who my ideal partner was and what she was doing at this very time... And I just could not do it.

    I am disillusioned with finding my potential life partner and so escape in porn.
    Rejoining the online dating community and seeing pages of girls I have previously rejected or have been rejected from didn't help things either: and the rest were just not my type.
    My closest friends have been busy with their partners too away on hold, so the loneliness is kicking in too.

    Perhaps if I stay clean for a few days it will help my thought process. I always find weekends tough as im not at work then.
     
  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Allright, then imagine that Ivan Drago is your porn addiction beating down on you, but you never give up regardless of the beating :)

    I read ya, make sure you have things you like to do. Sports, gaming (but don't get addicted), other hobbies, stuff you see other people with. It's worth to spend some time on setting up these activities.

    And yes, the thought process changes all the time, in particular during a reboot. At some points it just feels dumb to continue it, but those thoughts are temporary (even though they feel permanent at that time).

    Hang in there!
     
  13. Lonely Mountain

    Lonely Mountain New Member

    Back again.
    Been to therapy for over a year dealing with the causes of my addiciton.
    Now I have the tools to deal with the symptoms ie MO and PMO.
    Day 1:
     
  14. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Two years man! Hope you're doing better now. I read your posts, have you found someone to be with? Are you still kicking yourself over your ex? I've been actively trying to quit pmo now since August of 2016, so a little over two years. On day 3 today, so that tells you how hard this is. You already know that though. Let's kick the habit bro!
     

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