True Change's Journey to The Land Where The Hand Is Banned

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by True Change, Jul 5, 2021.

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  1. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Friday 14th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I meditated this morning, then I head headed out to do some work. In the afternoon I went to the library to send some emails. I watched a UFC fight on YouTube, and did some online banking. Then I came home, had a steak and went to boxing training. I had a good hard training session then came home and went to bed to do some reading.

    Days without watching TV: 6
    Days without watching YouTube : 0 - I watched UFC fight.

    Saturday 16th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I meditated this morning. Today I have been doing pushups all days in sets of ten or less. I estimate I've done between 100-150. I went for a two-hour walk in the afternoon and listened to a podcast. I cut my Dad's hair after that.

    Today I read a couple of reboot accounts from guys who said that full recovery may take up to two years. I don't know if it will take that long but I think 90 days is just the beginning, maybe the minimum.

    But so what if it does take 2 years? We want to be free for the rest of our lives, not abstain for 90 days then go back to being addicted.

    Sunday 17th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Day 89. Today I went to boxing training in the morning. Then I went out to lunch with my parents. In the afternoon I did some reading and took a nap.

    Days without watching television: 9
    Days without watching YouTube : 1

    I've been very clean the past three days or so: no peeking, no fantasizing, no rubbing the sheets in the morning.

    Monday 17th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Day 90: I did it. It feels a bit anti-climactic because I peeked a couple of times last week. I can say wholeheartedly that there have been six or seven times that I looked at anything remotely triggering. On two occasions I looked at Reddit and then around five YouTube videos I've watched with women in them. But zero hardcore pornography and zero masturbation.

    I don't feel ready to write a success story because I haven't experienced a huge transformation. But maybe I'll do a second 90 days. My next goal is to get to 100 days After that I will aim for 120 because it's nice round number. I'm still not waking up with a boner.

    I'm proud of myself that I made it. It was a 98% 'perfect' streak. But screw perfection, tenacity is the goal. I will go to bed tonight content, knowing I achieved something I once thought was impossible for me.

    Tuesdays 18th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Day 91. I've been doing well these past four-five days. I haven't had any peeks at YouTube. I haven't had any cravings at all.

    Today I mediated in the morning as soon as I got up. I watched some YouTube videos in the morning on boxing. I did my meal prep for the day. I went to plan my lessons this afternoon then I taught my evening class. My energy was goods and I think my enthusiasm rubs off on other people.

    I looked in the mirror today and thought I look a bit better. Something I can't put my finger on -smoothness of skin, or the eyes or posture - I'm not sure.

    On a a scale of one to ten I feel my happiness level has jumped about half a point in the past 7-10 days. I was never depressed but it seems like inside my head it's sunnier now.

    Even though I'm on day 90 I don't feel recovered. I feel I'm about half way. Maybe I need to go to 180 days.

    Wednesday 19th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Day 92. Today I meditated in the morning. I went for a 90-minute walk in the afternoon. I went to boxing training in the evening. I watched some YouTube today but I didn't look at any television. I didn't have any carvings or desires today.

    Thursday 20th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Day 93. For the past seven days I haven't had any lust enter my life: no thoughts, no erections, no women on screens. It's been a perfectly clean week. I'm sleeping a lot these past few week and I'm finding it hard to get up in the mornings. That could be due to my brain and body still doing some healing or it could be simple laziness. For almost 19 years non-stop I masturbated and looked at porn so maybe I did do some damage. But I know the amazing healing power of the brain and body.

    Staying on this streak gives me optimism for the coming year that a lot good things will come my way.

    Today I realized that I'm lying to myself saying 'I'm not watching television' while watching YouTube and Amazon prime movies. It's all on a TV screen.

    Friday 21st January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I slipped a little when I visited the Twitter page of an adult star. I couldn't see any images - it was all text. I didn't find it arousing all and started to think all the attention-seeking and scandalous tweets were a bit pathetic.

    I have been in a funk all day, feeling tired and apathetic. I know it's from too much screen time. My goal this year it to reduce information consumption and screen time . I'm pretty good but already but I want to get it really low. I know when I read too many books, surf the internet too much, watch too many YouTube videos, read too many articles and forums, etc., I don't sleep well and my brains feels fried. I end up unfocussed and lethargic. I need to use the same strategies I used to abstain from porn to reduce my information consumption.

    Saturday 22nd January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Day 94 or thereabouts. I haven't had any fantasies for cravings today. I'm still not waking up with an erection. I'm still not waking up early in the morning.

    More than anything, I haven't experienced any huge life changes so I want to hang on and see if any come.

    Sunday 22nd January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Another clean day. I didn't have any cravings or desires.

    Today I picked up my Dad's iPad to take a look at something and I saw in his history that he had visited some porn sites recently. I am the last person to judge anyone for this - I was addicted to pornography and masturbation for about eighteen years . Now I feel empathy towards any person who looks at pornography. It's a highly potent drug and doesn't discriminate - young/old, low income/high income, good people/bad people. It's free and accessible to everyone now.

    I was reading a book called 'Choose Yourself' by James Altucher today this line jumped out at me:

    'Don't have sex with anyone you're not in love with'

    Wow. That stopped me in my tracks and made me think of all the women I pursued and had sex with because of lust. And how pornography is ALL about sex between people who are not in love. It made me think that to recover from this addiction we need to re-connect love ands sex. As sex addicts we have lost sight of that connection.
     
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  2. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Monday 24th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Clean day again today. I didn't watch television. I didn't watch any YouTube videos and I didn't have any cravings or fantasies.

    I went to the library this afternoon to send some emails. Then I had dinner and went to boxing training. I am now going to bed to read. I did 131 pushups today.

    While talking to the guys in training tonight, I'm a better conversationalist for sure. I'm more lively, more talkative, warmer. I think humans connect on levels that we are not even aware of and when you have some dirty little secret or feel guilty about something or shame, I think other people can sense it deep down on subconscious level.

    Tuesday 25th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm in a groove now. I think I could go on abstaining for another six months if I keep on this path. But I don't want to get too confident. I remember reading a quote, "Success begins with failure and failure begins with success."

    I slept well last night and I felt some nocturnal erections so perhaps things are recovering. I meditated this morning. I planned my lessons in the afternoon and shopped for some groceries. I taught a class in the evening.

    I feel that things are improving in my life but it's happening very slowly. If I could go back to day 0, I would tell myself not to expect huge changes. Almost 100 days and it's been a slow, gradual and incremental improvement in my life.

    Wednesday 26th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Clean day today - no peeking or fantasizing. I meditated this morning. Then I had some breakfast. I went to the library this afternoon to post on the forum then I went to the post office to send some packages. I came home, had some dinner then I went to boxing training. .

    I'm startling to settle into this new life without porn. Although I now have other challenges to face and overcome. My next goal is to get to 120 days. I think that will take me to the middle of February. After that I I'll aim for 150.

    Thursday 27th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I am on or around the 100-day mark.

    When you're just starting on a streak you can barely see beyond the end of the day - you have to take it one day at a time. But once you have a big load of days behind you, you can start looking 20 or 30 days ahead. My next target is one hundred and 120 and beyond that 150. I still have fantasies and flashbacks now and again. And I still think I will look at porn again but it's easy to put those those thoughts off. I use procrastination in a good way and say ""I will look at it after I have done 150 days". Or "I will look at it when I've done 200 days" etc. I can keep putting it off into the future.

    Gratitude: I am grateful that I am able to eat well and have all the clothes and tools that I need. I don't desire much more.

    Friday 28th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Totally clean day again today. I meditated as soon as I got up. I prepped my food for the day. I went to the library in the afternoon to review some work from a freelancer and send some emails. I came back home, had some food and then went to boxing training in the evening.

    Saturday 29th January 2022
    I peeked at a couple of images today on Reddit. I tried doing some cue exposure therapy - looking at an image and then quickly dropping down to do some push ups. But I got stuck looking at a couple of Reddit pages. That is the danger with this technique. I saw a couple of grainy black and white images but I didn't touch myself or feel aroused. But it's still a slip up.

    Looking inward, I think I'm struggling a bit t with the fact that this 100-day streak hasn't totally changed my life and feeling a bit deflated. But I will take screen break tomorrow and get right back on track.

    I went for a long walk this afternoon and I did 250 push ups throughout the day. I'm still not waking up with morning wood.

    Gratitude: I'm grateful that I have enough food in the fridge and that we are beginning a new month next week and I am moving forward in many areas of my life.

    Sunday 30th January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.
    This morning I went to boxing training as soon as I woke up. After that I cooked lunch with my parents. After that I did some reading and took a nap. In the evening I packaged up some things I sold on ebay. A totally clean day today - no television or any images at all.

    My libido is still poor. I don't want to call it a flatline because I believe lots of guys say they are in a flatline when they are not aroused by pixels any more, but that's the whole point of nofap. The only real flatline is not being aroused by a flesh and blood woman in front of you. I haven't been intimate with a woman for almost four years now so I can't confirm that I'm in a flatline. But I'm still not waking up with an erection. All I can do is stay on the path and be patient for it to come back. I've read reboots accounts from guys saying that even after a year they were still healing their sexual function. All I can do is wait - it will be worth it.

    I've realized that 90 days is only for mild addictions. But I'm slowly realizing that I was seriously addicted. Almost nineteen years so it won't be cured in 90 days. It took a long time to do the damage and it will take a while, maybe six months or a year, to reverse it. This gives me something to look forward to.
     
  3. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Monday 31st January 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I didn't watch television today or any YouTube videos or see any images of women. I meditated this morning as soon as I got up. I had a shower and cut my hair. Then I went to pay a bill and send some things at the post office. I posted my journal in the afternoon and did some online banking. I came home and had some rice and ground beef for dinner then I went to boxing training. When I came back I had a cold shower.

    By the end of February I will be on or around the 130-day mark. I guess I won't know if I have fully rewired until I am with another woman.

    Tuesday 1st February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Clean day today - no fantasies for flashbacks. I didn't peek at anything online.

    I'm just hanging on and waiting for great things to come as I move further along with this streak.

    This morning I did my meditation. Then I prepped all my food for the day. In the afternoon I paid some bills then I planned my lessons. I taught a class in the evening.

    Some days when I haven't felt any benefits for weeks, and I don't feel any different, I wonder if this is worth it.

    February 2nd 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I felt a hint of sexual desire when I woke up this morning so maybe this are recovering libido-wise.

    I didn't watch any YouTube videos today and watched around 45 minutes of television.

    I meditated this morning. I did some banking this afternoon, paid some bills then I went to boxing training in the evening. I'm on around day 105 . My goal now is to get through the rest of the month clean and see how the morning erections are progressing.

    Thursday 3rd February 2022
    My streak came to an end today. 108 days without masturbating or orgasming.

    Here's what happened: I was in bed and I couldn't get to sleep. I was feeling hot and then my libido was high and I began fantasizing and rubbing she sheets. I then got up, grabbed my laptop and edged to grainy black-and-white videos, images and gifs until seven am. After that I got up and I was a zombie all day. Then in the afternoon, when I was home alone, I got my Dad's tablet and looked at Instagram , Facebook and some videos.

    Weird thing is, I'm now feeling ill for the fist time in months. I have a sore throat. Maybe all the adrenaline and dopamine shocked my brain and body.

    I'm trying to be philosophical. I am proud of my streak. It was the best streak I ever had and the first time I ever made it to 90 days.

    Looking back I could see it coming. I've been staying up later, till midnight, most nights for around two weeks now and sleeping in the mornings. I have been spending more and more time online. My overall discipline was beginning to slip. I started watching TV here and there. I started peeking at Reddit and Twitter.

    I was listening to a podcast yesterday and the an author was talking about relapses and said, "What if you didn't start over? What if you just kept going?"

    Rather than starting again from zero. her point was about not beating ourselves up and being hard on ourselves. The key now is to not dwell on it, and not to stumble again in the next few days.

    Friday 4th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today. It was important to put an 'x' back up on the board to avoid bingeing and turning one relapse into two, five or more.

    I was looking at my stats for on my spreadsheet: 107 days without masturbating or orgasming. I peeked at porn on Reddit on days 83, 87 and 103.

    I still felt pretty sluggish and a ill today. I meditated in the morning then I prepped all my food for the day. I went to boxing training in the evening.

    Saturday 5th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I rubbed the sheets this morning before I got out of bed. I think I felt a bit of the chaser effects after the relapse.

    I went to a sewing lesson in the afternoon. It was cool to be learning a new skill. I ate keto all day today - just one meal.

    I think that my time surfing the internet and watching YouTube has gone up in the past six weeks or so and maybe that was contributed to my relapse.

    Sunday 6th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Clean day today. I didn't peek at anything or have any fantasies or cravings. I've set a new goal of30 days initially and then once I've passed that I feel confident enough to aim for 90 because I know I've done it before.

    Today I went for a walk with my parent's dog. I did some laundry. I know something has changed in me since I relapsed, I have lower energy and my mother asked me if I was okay this morning. Mothers always know when something isn't right.

    Monday 7th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm back in a groove now after my relapse a few days ago. I meditated in the morning. Then I prepped all my food for the day. I went to the library in the afternoon to send some emails and do some online banking. I came home, had a quick meal then went to boxing training. I watched around 30 minutes of television and YouTube today. I have been reading the 'nosurf' subReddit the past couple of days. As porn addiction is an internet addiction developing a healthier and more mindful relationship with the internet is vital for recovery.

    Tuesday 7th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I've been feeling pretty ill for the past three of days. I guess the upside to feeling rotten is that is tanks your libido and any sexual thoughts.

    Today I packed up some books I sold online. I went to teach my language class in the evening. I am trying not be super conscious of my day count this time. I'm just carrying on from the 100-day streak that I was on, carrying on like nothing happened.

    Wednesday 8th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I've been reading the nosurf subReddit a lot lately and I've decided to take the big step or deleting my home WIFI. I've been staying up late reading articles, Reddit threads, etc., for the past couple of weeks. I know this is bad for my sleep. It's going to take some getting used to but I think it will be a huge help for nofap and also for my brain health and productivity in general. I have a stack of books and hobbies on my desk that I vowed to go through this year. We are almost six weeks in to the New Year and I haven't opened them so I decided to take this drastic step. I still have internet access at the library, at the community center or, at push, a coffee shop.

    Thursday 10th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    My first day without internet at home. I'm still fighting screen addiction because I watched a Netflix documentary and then a load of YouTube videos on the smart TV in the evening. But at least I didn't watch anything that could provoke lust. So that's some consolation.

    I'm still ill and I'm wondering if my relapse shocked my body and caused this sudden illness. I've had a fever for about four days now. My diet is very strict and I don't often get ill. Then again it might be a coincidence and I might have covid-19.

    At least the illness has a bright side and it has totally wiped out my libido and so it has been easy to get back on track with new streak.

    I'm looking forward to living this new life of no internet at home. It will make relapsing so much harder. For example, I can't look at pornography at the library because they have very strict blockers and firewalls in place. It's still not going to stop me totally: I still have the smart TV for YouTube videos and my Dad's tablet when he's not around but still, it adds another layer of 'self-biding'. I think less time online in general will help me heal faster because I'll sleep earlier and won't be reading so much online. Not to mention what it will do for my productivity. and creativity.

    Friday 11th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    This morning I worked on a writing job for client. At lunch time I went to the post office to send some things then to the library to send the job to the client. I came home, ate some nachos to celebrate finishing a job. I watched some TV and then took a nap. I'm still ill and sleeping a ton. But I'm already more productive without home internet.

    Even though the 100-day streak was a big change for me, maybe the no internet at home is the next step I need to take. I've realized that porn and masturbation were symptoms of general screen addiction. It's not just my porn problem, it's about wasting time, staying indoors too much, having no focus or ability to stick to anything and finish it. So I'm looking forward to this new change this year.

    Saturday 12th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    This morning I woke up and did my meditation. I went to the library to do some emailing and online banking. In the afternoon I had a sewing lesson. After that I had an Indian takeaway meal with my parents. After that I talked to a good friend of mine on the phone for about an hour, joking and sharing stories. A pretty good day overall. I didn't have any cravings or fantasies.

    Sunday 13th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Third today of not having internet at home. I feel like, after nofap, reducing my internet time and using it only for work and using it more mindfully and efficiently is the next step.

    I didn't have any cravings or fantasies today. I'm still patiently waiting for some changes and superpowers to come. I'm still not waking up with morning wood.
    And I don't feel any sense of euphoria. But I can feel this addiction slowly fading out of my life.

    I still don't feel ready to write a success story because I haven't experienced any huge life changes. But I might be one of those guys who doesn't see changes until day 200 or so. So I still have to wait, and have hope that if I stay on this path, amazing things will happen even though not much is happening right now.
     
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    This is a game changer, and I commend you for even considering it!
     
  5. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Monday 14th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Today I meditated in the morning. I journaled after that. After lunch I went to the library to send some emails and do some other online admin. In the evening I came home, had some dinner and practiced my handwriting.

    Without internet at home or any pornography, my sleep is starting to stabilize - I'm feeling tired earlier and I'm falling asleep sooner. I didn't have any fantasies or any cravings today. I'm feeling little boost in mood tonight that hope continues.

    Tuesday 15th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm starting to get used to life without pornography and masturbation. Today I meditated in the morning. I prepped all my food for the day. I went to the library to do some online banking and send some emails. I worked on a client job. I taught my language class in the evening. It still feels like I am in a flatline. I don't have desire or libido at all. I feel like I'm marking time, waiting for some benefits to come.

    Wednesday 16th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I meditated this morning. I went to the library in the afternoon to send some emails and send some work to a freelancer. In the evening I practiced my juggling and did some journaling. Having no internet at home is starting to work. With nothing else to do I practice my juggling or my handwriting.
    I say this lot but I think my recovery will take longer that I initially thought. One hundred days is not going to do it . Maybe I need six months to a year. Maybe then I will feel the life changing benefits.

    Thursday February 17th 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Not much to report. I'm puzzled about why nofap hasn't helped me get up in the morning. I thought the reboot would heal my brain chemistry and balance my hormones. But maybe sleeping so much is a sign of healing after 19 years of abuse. Maybe it's a sign that my brain is taking it's time to heal and rewire during sleep.
    I'm on day fourteen of this new streak to add to the 108 days before. My next challenge is going to be 30 days without YouTube. and television.

    Friday 18th February 2022
    I relapsed this afternoon.

    It started innocently enough. I got my Dad's tablet to delete my Instagram account and I got caught up looking at photos of exes and other women. Then I got on a slippery path.

    I'm trying to learn from it and I've now I'm going to delete my Instagram account totally. I never use anyway - I didn't look at it for three months during my last streak. And today shows how dangerous it is for me.

    After the slip up I practiced my handwriting for an hour and that clamed me down. Then I did the Tyson squat workout to feel like I pushed my body to do something uncomfortable.

    I'm not annoyed at myself. I'm doing well and on a good path. The other strategies in my life are working well and I will continue with them.

    I'm looking at the big picture.

    Saturday 19th February 2022
    I binged hard last night. I was up all night edging and didn't get to bed until around five am. I grabbed my father's tablet as he was away and I stayed up all night on it, alternating looking at porn and surfing the web.

    I'm feeling really tired now and I have a headache. I'm trying to be positive, carry on and keep my chin up. I know that I'm not as addicted as I used to be and that I've taken a lot of steps in my life to reduce this addiction.

    I took some action to learn something from the experience: I tried to delete my Instagram account. Instagram asked me to type in my password to confirm I want to delete and they they said the password was wrong. I am 100% sure it is right because I used it to log in and out three times to test it. My conspiracy theory side says Instagram make it difficult to delete because they want to keep you hooked. But I won't give up. I will keep hounding them tell telling them I want to delete . In the meantime I will unfollow everyone and. I won't let them win, I will get rid of it.

    Today I went to the library in the morning to use the internet and then I had some lunch and then a sewing lesson in the afternoon. I practiced my handwriting tonight and did some journaling. I removed the bulb from the lamp in my bedroom so I can't stay up late reading any more. I think all these things: internet addiction, porn addiction, screens, lightbulbs, all mess with sleep, hormones and brain chemistry.

    Sunday 20th February February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Perfect day today. I took a sabbath from all screens. I didn't watch any television and I didn't go online either. There were times when I wanted to google something but I felt the urge and wrote down the search query on a piece of paper and went to do some reading.

    Today I practiced my handwriting. I made some dehydrated beef and some pemmican.

    I read a success story on the YBR site the other day and the guy said that he was in a flatline for six months . Six months hardmode and he was just coming out of the flatline. That gave me inspiration and also put my 108 days reboot into perspective. I'm still not waking up with a boner so maybe I too need at least six months hardmode to start recovering.

    He also said that real superpowers come from not just abstaining from pornography and masturbation, but from doing a digital detox.

    I'm keeping my head up and ploughing forward.

    Monday 21st February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I felt better today. I slept well last night and I was productive all days. I meditated this morning and I didn't watch any television or YouTube today. I went to boxing training in the evening and got back into physical training.

    Having no internet at home and having removed the light bulbs from my room has helped go to bed earlier. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night now, I can't turn on the light and read, I have to lie the in the dark and deal with the boredom until I go back to sleep.

    Brain health is my number 1 priority now and I think all life improvements begin with healing or improving the brain.

    Dr. Anna Lembke in the book Dopamine Nation says that it takes 30 days to reset dopamine pathways. That's nowhere near long enough in my opinion. And the recommended reboot of 90 days that' wasn't long enough for me to see improvement in sexual function and superpowers.

    Tuesday 22nd February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I had a productive day today. I did my meditation in the morning then I had some steak and eggs. I cut my hair and shaved then went to the library to send some emails and communicate with a freelancer. I then went to teach my language class in the evening. I haven't had any flashbacks or cravings today. I did some journaling once I got back home in the evening. I didn't watch any YouTube videos or television today.

    Wednesday 23 February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I have no idea what day I'm on - I think it's around day four. I'm not paying attention until I get above 30.

    I've been feeling better these past couple of days. I've been eating zero carb and I'm back in boxing training and I've gone four days without watching any television. I feel more optimistic and energetic.

    Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I forced myself to be with my thoughts and not fidget or get up. Usually I would grab my kindle or turn on the lamp and read. But last night, even though it was uncomfortable, I lay there and observed my thoughts.

    I've noticed that a high number of my relapses have come from not being able to sleep and feeling antsy and stressed about not being able to sleep. Then grabbing a laptop and starting to surf for images. So it's good training for me to face the discomfort of the darkness and boredom and not run for stimulation. Just let the hours pass with no stimulation. Just me and my thoughts in dark room.

    Thursday 24th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I've been offline all day today. I did some reading for an hour in the afternoon. I went for a 90-minute walk. I ate zero carb all day.

    I haven't had any flashbacks or cravings today. The thought of sex never even crossed my mind all day. I feel like I have got a handle on this nofap now and now I'm beginning to examine my relationship with the internet. I feel not having internet at home has given me some distance from the it. I'm certainly spending more time doling my offline hobbies at home.

    Friday 25th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm continuing to feel better. I meditated this morning and had a steak at midday. I went to the library in the afternoon. I had a couple of frustrating instances today but I feel so much more resilient on nofap. If feel like I can take the blows of life in my stride and find way around them. Even though it was a frustrating day I never once felt like looking at porn to relive my stress or make myself feel better.

    I went to boxing training in the evening. I didn't watch any television today. I broke down and watched around forty five minutes of YouTube. I am around a week into my new streak and I feel even though I relapsed, I still carry some of the benefits and changes I gained.

    Saturday 26th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm in a pretty good groove now. I hardly think about porn or have any cravings, even when I am alone and have the chance to. Today I did my meditation in the morning. I went to the library to do some web surfing. I had my sewing lesson in the afternoon.

    I watched the documentary 'The Social Dilemma' in the evening and a bunch of YouTube videos on the attention economy.

    What nofap has done is given me back all the time, energy and focus that I was spending on porn and allowed me to divert that towards my goals. This hasn't made my life any easier but I'm starting to realize that porn addiction is a desire to make life easy whereas real life and achieving anything significant is difficult.
    I believe that porn addiction is a branch of internet addiction which is a branch of information and entertainment addiction. So a natural next step in my path is a low information/low screen life. That is my goal this year.
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    PMO is a by-product of deeper things, as you already know. Giving it up is a great place to start. I look at it like I look at my messy garage. At first I haven't a clue where to start, so I just pick a corner and start cleaning/organizing. Along the way there are questions: do I throw this out? where should I put such and such? And, the list goes on. The garage starts to take shape and even though there is still organizing to do it feels a lot more airy and I feel better about things. It no longer hangs over my head, weighing my down.

    You are already doing great work by ditching the internet at home and with all the other things you do. I'd say keep doing what you're doing and the results will come. We are retraining the brain. Boners will come when you least expect them.
     
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  7. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Thank you @Saville . Wise words as always.

    'A watched kettle never boils'.
     
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  8. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Monday 28th February 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Last night I had a sexual dream. I orgasmed in the dream but didn't ejaculate, which was strange.
    I didn't watch any television today and I watched around ten minutes of YouTube at the library. I have deleted YouTube from the smart television at home. I went for an hour-long walk in the morning. I am feeling a bit frazzled with stuff to do but at least it is keeping me busy and away from pornography or thoughts of relapsing. I am starting to gain some distance from pornography, masturbation and screen addiction now. They are still in my rear-view mirror but they are behind me. I just need to keep moving forward as I'm doing.

    Tuesday 1st March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm starting a 30-day challenge of zero television or YouTube. I completed day one successfully. I don't use social media and I'm staying on this nofap streak. I'm excited to see the results in my brain and in my life.

    I didn't have any cravings or flashback today. I felt today that some my healing is accelerating . I feel more optimistic and excited about life. I'm interacting with people in good cheer. I'm thinking about my goals and what life changes I want to make this year. My confidence is growing too. Not confidence in a specific domain but general life confidence - that I can live my own life independently and cope with any of life's challenges.

    Not being able to watch television and YouTube at home means that I now live in a screen free home. I don't have WIFI so I don't use my laptop much either. I only use it to edit my writing for this journal and for work. My intermediate goal is to remain clean through to the end of March and then get to ninety days again.

    Wednesday 2nd March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I woke up a bit earlier today and I was keen to get my day started. I worked in a focussed manner and got a decent amount done. I feel a slight increase in energy and ambition;. I feel that the sexual energy that I was wasting is starting to be redirected at last to other pursuits. I completed day two of my 30-day No TV or YouTube challenge. I went to boxing training in the evening and my speed and endurance were good. Could be this be the latent results of the reboot finally arriving? I'm feeling more clear headed and productive. As the days and month have gone by I think about porn less and less. Neither sex nor pornography crossed my mind at all today.

    My gaol now is another 90 days. That will take my to my birthday at the end of May. It would be nice to celebrate my birthday with my second 100-day streak in seven months. That gives me something to aim for.

    Thursday 3rd March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    This morning I woke up naturally at seven fifteen. Also I was wide awake and not feeling groggy at all. I'm on day three of my 30-day no television or YouTube challenge.

    Today I mediated in the morning. I practiced my juggling. I've been offline all day. I haven't looked at any screens. I went to the community center and calculated all expenses for the past two months. I boxed up some books that I sold in an auction. I did some reading. I came home in the evening and had steak and eggs for dinner.

    Now I'm doing some journaling and practicing my handwriting. I feel porn addiction slowly receding in to the distance. It's early days but I'm starting to feel more energetic and excited bout life.
     
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  9. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Friday 4th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I am on day fourteen of this current streak. I woke up at bit earlier today. Here's what I've done to improve my sleep in the past week and start to get up earlier:
    • No reading before bed or if I wake up in the middle of the night. I don't take my kindle into my bedroom any more and I removed the reading lamp. I force myself to fall asleep on my own without reading prior and I'm starting to fall asleep faster now.
    • I avoid screens and lightbulbs after the sun goes down. In the evening I read or write in my journal by candle light.
    I'm on day four of my no television and no YouTube streak. This, along with nofap, might be helping me sleep better and wake up earlier too.

    Today I meditated in the morning. I went to the library in the afternoon to go online to send some emails and do some work.

    In the evening I went to a live boxing fight. It was good to get out with people and be in an arena with lots of of people around. It always as makes me feel better. It reminds me of what humans are wired for.

    Saturday 5th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm feeling an upward curve of improvement. My energy is increasing. I feel more outgoing, purposeful, focussed and organized.
    I got up earlier again today. I had steak and eggs for breakfast. I went to the library to do some work online and some online banking. I had a sewing lesson in the afternoon. After that I did some reading and did some alterations on a t-shirt.

    Day five without television or YouTube. I think nofap plus no internet at home plus zero TV or YouTube is helping my brain heal. I'm sharper and more focussed. I'm getting things done. I wouldn't call them superpowers yet, more like True Change 2.0.

    I still have the desire sometimes to escape my reality by eating some junk food, looking at porn, masturbating and binging to online information. But I'm staying on the path and seeing where it leads.

    Over the last week or so I really feel that I'm finally on the road to recovery. I feel like I'm becoming normal again and joining regular life again. It's taken a while. I started my streak in October and I had a relapse two weeks go. But addling in the limited screen time has speeded up my progress. Now I feel like this journey is heading somewhere. Before I was just getting through day by day in fog.

    Sunday 6th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Day six without any television or YouTube. I have been offline all day. I can see my reduced screen time starting to have a positive effect in my life. This afternoon I worked on a writing job for a client. I did it from start to finish in one sitting, working for two hours and forty three minutes without interruption. I don't think I've focussed this well since when I was a kid before the internet came along. I've eliminated the stress of rushing last minute to finish it before a deadline. I can relax tomorrow and still deliver it early. I woke up mealier again this morning and got out bed. I have more push to get out of bed and start doing things. This extra drive and zest has come into my life. I'm not sure if it's from nofap or reduced screen time. Probably both.

    I'm also more emotionally resilient. This afternoon my mother was trying to start an argument with me but I removed myself from the situation and went for a walk despite her antagonism. I'm keeping my cool and fewer things bother me. I'm eyeing the the end of May now to get to ninety day and my birthday. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next three months bring. I feel hopeful for the fist time in years. If I feel this good on a daily basis, then I know I will see big life changes. I'm more organized. I'm punctual. I don't waste time. I clean as I go. I'm put everything away when I'm not using it. I'm never sitting still passively, I'm always doing something. Dare I say I'm maturing?
     
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  10. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Monday 7th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.;

    Last night I went to bed at nine thirty. I fell asleep around ten thirty and woke up at seven thirty feeling great, fully rested and refreshed. I meditated in the morning, had some chicken for breakfast and practiced my juggling. I went to the library at lunch time to do some online tasks - emails and banking. I had a steak and eggs for dinner then I went to boxing training. I came home and journaled in the evening.

    Today is day seven of zero television or YouTube.

    The only downside to my new lifestyle is that I'm living too much for the future. I'm always looking forward to the 100-day point rather than taking the time to enjoy today. I'm rushing through the days and clocking them obsessively on my day counter but I need to remind myself to slow down and smell the roses. ''You are as young today as you'll ever be" is a quote I remind myself often.

    Tuesday 8th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I had a couple of flashbacks come to me today while I was daydreaming. But they didn't make me want to rush to look at anything.

    I woke up without an alarm at seven fifteen today. My productivity continues to be higher.

    My Random Act of Kindness today: As I was walking through my town a woman was struggling with four heavy bags of groceries. She had put them on the ground to take a breather. Without even thinking, the words came out of my mouth and I asked her if she needed help. I was walking that way anyway so I carried the two bags a few hundred yards. I remember hearing that you haven't had perfect day until you've helped someone or done a kind deed. I would love to do something like that every day.

    Today was day eight without looking at television or YouTube.

    Wednesday 9th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm still on a good run. I'm on day eighteen or so of my current streak and I'm on day nine without watching any television or any YouTube. Today I did fifteen minutes of meditation then I had some breakfast and then I did some journaling. I went to the library to get online in the afternoon and check work delivered by a freelancer. When I fist disconnected from home WIFI I had a flood of things I wanted to Google, search queries, etc., but they are beginning to fade now. It was almost like my craving for new information that has died down.

    I'm much more efficient with my internet use. I only have three hours at the library so I have to do everything I need to do in that time slot. It forces me to focus and work quickly.

    I still don't wake up with morning wood but I 'm not worried. I know this is a process. I am sleeping deeper and I have more energy in the boxing gym so I'm sure my testosterone is healthy.

    Thursday 10th March 2022

    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Day twenty on this current streak. Day ten without watching any television or YouTube. I was only online for around five minutes today when I checked my emails. I had a one flashback today but it soon went away. I wrote lot in my journal today and I took a two-hour walk through the fields and woods. I did 170 push ups today.

    Today I stared listening to classical music. I used to be a big fan of hip-hop music. But going through this journey has made me question all the messages we get through the media and screens. Rap music videos often sexualizes women and the lyrics promote promiscuity. I also read about the 'Mozart effect'- increasing IQ points from listening to classical. Every day I'm more conscious of my information input.

    Friday 11th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I read some success stories on the forum today by guys who were in a flatline for two years and finally recovered so I'm being patient.

    Today I meditated in the morning then I practiced my juggling and my handwriting. I had some breakfast then cut my hair and shaved. I went to the library to message some of my contract freelancers and fill out some forms online. I came home, had steak and eggs and then went to boxing training. After I came home I had a shower, cleaned my shoes and did some journaling.

    Today is day 10 without television or YouTube. I'm feeling a lot better overall. I'm more productive. I live with more urgency and I'm doing things that I had been putting off for months.

    All I can control is staying on this bat path and keep doing what I'm doing. Whatever fate wants to hand me in the form of relationships, opportunities, etc. is out of my control. If I stay on this path I've done my best.

    Saturday 12th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    One more week and I will have done near thirty days on this current streak. I had a cone flashback today that lasted for maybe a minute. I've now done 12 days without television or YouTube. I'm definitely spending more time doing the hobbies that I always wanted to do but never seemed to have time for.

    I meditated this morning. I used the internet for one hour and fifteen minutes today to do some online banking and emails. My mood is stable and I continue to feel excited about life and enthusiastic for the rest of the year. I underestimated how long the healing process would take. But it's worth it.
     
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  11. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    @True Change I just wanted to let you know that I find your journey very inspiring!
     
  12. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Thank you so much @Cali. I've been fighting this addiction since 2012. It was only in January 2021 that I started to make some real progress in overcoming it.

    Two of the big key changes are: 1. Journaling here to document my journey. and 2. Contributing to the forum. I'm not trying to recover in isolation any more.

    Even thought I've never met guys on here, I respect everybody for fighting this addiction.
     
  13. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Sunday 13th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I went online for about 30 minutes today to do some online banking. I went for a 90-minute walk in the afternoon. I meditated in the morning.

    Today was Day 13 without television or YouTube.

    Many people think nofap with fix their life but what actually happens is that the problems that he or she has been hiding from are now out in the open. Nofap shines a light on the problems that you now need to face.

    Monday 14th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I meditated this morning. I did some journaling and I went to the library to upload my journal entries to this forum. After that I came home, had steak and eggs for dinner. Then I went to boxing training.

    I am sleeping better these days and waking up at seven am naturally. I'm realizing now that nofap is not going to change my life by itself. At one point I believed it would. I thought 90 days nofap would change everything. Now I'm realizing it's a part of the process. Yes, it's a big part but other things have to change too.

    Tuesday 15th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    This morning I woke up at six fifteen without an alarm. I'm glad that I've started to wake up earlier on my own. I have waited for this change for months.

    After I got up, I meditated and practiced my juggling. I did lot of journaling this morning. I went to the library in the afternoon to check some work from a freelancer. I ended up browsing bit and wasting time. I even got sucked into Facebook for about ten minutes. But at least in the library I'm in contained environment. I can't lose hours browsing there and I can't look at any adult content.

    I then came home, had some dinner and did a bit of reading and journaling in the evening.

    Today was day 15 without television or YouTube. I don't think I will abstain from these two indefinitely. I have a movie in mind that I want to see that's on Netflix. But after this this thirty day period I won't lose hours of my life down YouTube rabbit holes or watching mindless television.

    Wednesday 16th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I had a nocturnal emission last night but I don't remember the dream that caused it. I have very good dream recall and I keep a journal but I have no idea what happened. I meditated this morning then did some journaling. I went to the library in the afternoon to send an application over for a summer job and to check some work from an outsourcer.

    I went to boxing training in the evening. I was sharp tonight. I felt strong , confident and fit. I've always been into fitness but I feel that nofap has given me an extra gear I never had before. Or maybe it's placebo.

    Thursday 17th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm feeling the slightest hint of libido returning in the mornings. I have now done 18 days without watching TV or looking at YouTube. I'm really enjoying it. I do love watching some how-to videos for skills I'm learning or some stand up comedy or a keynote speech, so I can't see myself abstaining forever but I will be much more circumspect from now on. It also prevents me from seeing any videos of women.

    My energy levels have risen. I'm always moving and doing stuff. The thought of sitting in front a screen watching moving images doesn't appeal to me. I have a lot of hobbies going on.

    My initial goal is another 90 days nofap hadrmode.

    Friday 18th March
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I MO'd in the shower today. That will teach me to have warm showers. I will get back to cold showers so that won't happen again. I'm not mad at myself - I'm male. I'm human. At least I wasn't looking at a screen. And it shows my libido is coming back.

    I still feel good. I'm have more energy and I'm more productive.

    Saturday 19th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm getting up out of bed lot sooner these days as well - I'm keen to get started with my day.

    I did my meditation in the morning;. I had some rice and beef and eggs for breakfast. I had a sewing lesson in the afternoon then I did some reading. It's day 19 without television and YouTube today.

    I will probably repeat this 30-day no YouTube experiment a couple of times per year now. I can't see myself ever going back to watching any television again. With no lightbulbs or screens at night I am feeling tired a lot earlier in the night. I'm ready to go to bed at nine pm. I don't read in bed any more and I fall asleep lot faster.

    Sunday 20th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I think I'm on around day 28 of this no-porn streak.

    I have more drive now for sure. I have more urgency and fire to do things. Today I did some reading - Meditations by Marcus Arelius. I went for an hour walk with my parents' dog. I practiced my juggling and had lunch with my mother. I vacuumed upstairs. I wrote copy job for a client in the evening.

    I woke up without an alarm clock at six fifteen this morning. I'm so glad that I'm waking up up naturally early now. It was one of my main goals . I'm keeping these sleep habits for life . Even if my circumstances change - work, living arrangements, etc., I will fight tooth and nail to keep these sleep habits because I feel so good.
     
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  14. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Monday 21st march 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today. I continue on a good path. I'm getting up out of bed quickly these days which I think is a good sign of mental and physical health.

    I meditated in the morning. I did some journaling then worked on a client job. I finished it before the deadline I'm more organized and punctual these days.

    I went to boxing training this evening and then I came home and did some more journaling.

    The only downside is that with all the excess time and energy I've gained from nofap and reduced media consumption, I've taken on a lot of projects, new hobbies and pursuits so I am in danger of feeling overwhelmed. My mind is consumed by other things - goals and hobbies and I rarely think about sex and women much anymore.

    Tuesday 22nd March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I had no desires today or cravings. I had some unexpected bad news this afternoon, nothing major, just some tax stuff. I felt stressed but I said to myself, ''porn isn't the answer. It isn't going to make things any better."

    I'm on day 22 of no television or YouTube. I don't really have any extra time because other things have taken over to fill the void. I'm feeling very positive and hopeful for the next six months.

    Wednesday 23rd March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I didn't have any cravings today or any porn flashbacks. Having done 30 days my goal is now to get to the end of May and I will be closing on 100 days but that is a while away.

    I'm still not seeing any strong surge in libido but I'm not in any hurry. Today I meditated as soon as I got up. I did some reading. I went to the library to send some emails and do my taxes. I donated blood after that. In the evening I had dinner and now I'm going to bed early at nine pm.

    Thursday 24th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I was offline all day today and I went for a two-hour walk.

    Friday 25th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    Thoughts of pornography still come to me occasionally but they are few and far between.

    Saturday 26th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I MO'd this morning while lying in bed. For some reason I was very tired this morning and found it really hard to get up. I know it's dangerous to lay in bed in the mornings. Apart from that, I had no fantasies or cravings.

    Everything in my life is slowly moving in a positive direction.

    Sunday 27th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I am somewhere around 35 days no porn on this current streak. I've lost count and that's a good thing. I meditated this morning as soon as I got up. I sat outside in the garden in the morning getting some sun. I went for lunch with my parents then I took their dog for a walk for two hours.

    I've now done 28 days without any television or YouTube. I've had such good results from this experiment that I'm going to carry on the TV ban indefinitely and do frequent, week-long YouTube bans. I haven't been triggered at all and I haven't seen any images of attractive women on screens. It's made the streak a lot easier - like avoiding pubs for an alcoholic. Many fapstaurnauts say the internet itself is tempting but I think images are the real danger. Text-only websites or audio podcasts are not going to trigger anyone. But Instagram and YouTube will.

    Monday 28th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I was really tired this morning for some reason. I slept late and then had trouble getting up out of bed. It's been that way for the past three mornings. I wonder if masturbating the day before yesterday has had an effect on me. Then again it could be other lifestyle stuff and not due to this one variable.

    I meditated this morning. I did some reading. I went to the library this afternoon. It was strange - I've been doing this information fast for the past month - no television and no YouTube. And I was on the computer today and there was nothing I wanted to look up, read or research. My mind was blank. It's like any addiction - the less you feed it the weaker it gets. I've starved my information addiction and now my brain is not craving any.

    I had a steak for dinner and then went to boxing training in the evening.
     
  15. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    Tuesday 29th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I did my meditation this morning. I wrote in my journal and checked the forum in the afternoon. I had some salmon for dinner and I did some reading and journaling in the evening. I didn't have any cravings today.

    Only two more days and I will have a totally clean month. Today was day 29 without television or YouTube.

    Wednesday 30th March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm almost at 40 days no porn on this current streak. Staying clean of television and YouTube has made it a lot easier. I've avoided lots of triggering images.

    Today I worked hard on a client job. I went to boxing training in the evening. After I came home I did some journaling.

    Thursday 31st March 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I meditated this morning as soon as I got up. I was offline all day apart from around ten minutes of checking emails. I did a lot of reading - around two and half hours. I completed the deck of pain work out for the first time today - 381 push ups.

    I have completed my month-long no television and no YouTube challenge today. I have worked harder and been more productive because I haven't had anything to distract me. It has made nofap easier because I haven't been exposed to images of women. I've practiced hobbies that I never had time for before. And - this is a subtle but noticeable difference - the month has gone by slower. I think digital media, videos, TV, etc., speeds up our internal clock, putting life on fast forward. I now have a list of three movies and one documentary I want to watch this month.

    Friday 1st April 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I'm somewhere around 40 days porn-free, almost half way to my 100-day goal. I meditated this morning then I had a short cold shower. I practiced my juggling.

    In the afternoon I completed a few errands in the afternoon. I went to boxing training in the evening and then I did some journaling when I came home.

    I'm feeling pretty good. I once heard that 'happiness is a sense of progress'. I think about porn less and less these days. Most days I go without thinking about sex at all.

    Here's to another clean month.

    Saturday 2nd April 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    This morning I went to the library to check my emails and get a project brief from a client. I watched a few YouTube videos and realized how little I had missed it in the past month and how little I need it in my life.

    I had some ground beef and eggs for lunch then I went for a walk through the fields and woods and sat by the river reading. I came back and had a steak for dinner and did some more reading. I feel that my low media consumption habits have now become normal and solidified into a lifestyle.

    I'm now comfortable with not watching TV, not watching porn and not participating in social media. My goal now is to make April a totally clean month.

    Sunday 3rd April 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I felt my libido coming back a bit when I woke up this morning. I did my meditation after I got up. I had lunch with my mother. In the afternoon I worked on a client project and went for a two hour walk through the country side. I feel pretty zen now. I'm not bothered by other people so much. I have a couple of big projects coming up in May and June, and I'm counting on nofap to give me the energy, focus and brain power to do them to the best of my abilities.

    Monday 4th April 2022
    I didn't look at pornography today.

    I slept poorly last night but I was so busy today doing client work I didn't have a chance to think about resting. I'm not a productivity superman since starting nofap but I am a point or two higher on the productivity scale.

    100 days for me will fall on my birthday at the end of May. In July I will begin an eight-week work project living on site - I won't take any internet device with me. If I am clean to the middle of August when the job ends, I feel I will be ready to write a success story and move on with the next stage of my life.

    But there's still a long way to go.
     
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