True Change's Journey to The Land Where The Hand Is Banned

Monday 1st November d011
I didn't look at porn today.

I'm on day fourteen. My goal is to do thirty days. That's the recommended period for dopamine reboot in the book Dopamine Nation.

I am trying to reset my dopamine levels which is why I am posting about my diet and how much TV I watch on here. Today I didn't watch any television or any YouTube videos - no moving images at all today.

I took two cold showers today but not they weren't under the waterfall head. I did a few errands today and made some changes to a client job. I went to boxing class from 6:30-7:30 pm. I didn't have any carvings today.. I had a couple of flashbacks but that's all. I am feeling pretty level.

I will be home alone from Thursday to Sunday so I need to make sure I go to bed early and don't stay up late watching TV or I might get tempted.
I am grateful for the library where I can do my work every day and the boxing gym where I can train three nights week.

Tuesday 2nd November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day fifteen. I woke up naturally at 6:45am this morning, which is a good sign. I always find when I get on a good streak I start waking up earlier without an alarm.
I didn't have any cravings or flashbacks today. I didn't watch any television today but I did watch a few YouTube videos so probably got some dopamine spikes there.

Wednesday 3rd November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I'm feeling good. I didn't have any cravings or temptations today. I got up and did ten minutes of meditation this morning. Then I had a 50% cold shower and went to jujitsu training. I had a good training session. Maybe it's placebo but I was maybe a little sharper.

After training I came home and had steak and eggs for dinner. Now I'm about to to bed - I'm feeling pretty tired.

In this journal I'm going to note a random act of kindness I did during the day. I've read lot about the dopamine boosting effects of doing altruistic acts.

Random act of Kindness Today: While I was waiting the bus stop an old man was walking towards me with cane. There wasn't enough space for him to pass. So instead of making him go round me to the side I moved forward and out of the way to clear a path for him. About five minutes later a young woman came the same way pushing a pram. I did the same for her as well.

Gratitude: I feel grateful tor the feedback and advice I got from some of the guys in MMA class today.

Thursday 4th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I'm on day seventeen or thereabouts. I noticed my voice is bit deeper today. I've been slipping on the rest of my routine though. I haven't had a cold shower in two or three days. I haven't done many bodyweight exercises the past few days. I watched lot of YouTube videos today because I've been home alone. But I didn't watch any television.

I am determined to make it to thirty days.

Random Act Kindness Today: I cooked breakfast for my parents before they went away to visit my sister.

Gratitude: I'm grateful my local supermarket. They sell steaks in affordable packs that make it easy for me to eat well.

Friday 5th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today. I think I am on day eighteen. I had a wet dream last night. I'm sure my brain is rewiring or healing or working through some things.

Today I did some reading and took my parents' dog for a walk. I had couple of flashbacks but no major cravings. I didn't watch any television today but I did watch some YouTube videos. I feel like I'm in a pretty steady mood. I'm determined to make it through to day thirty.

Gratitude: I am grateful for the overabundance of food options I have both at home and at the supermarket.

Saturday 6th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today. Day nineteen. My voice is a bit deeper and clearer.

I am getting more deep and restful sleep. I have some flashbacks come to me from time to time but I try not to hold them in my mind. I was irritated a couple of times with my family last week. I know irritability is a symptom of withdrawals but it could be nothing more than family stuff, addiction or not.

When abstaining I feel I need something to look forward to. It's like my brain is looking for some kind of reward or milestone in the future to justify this pain of abstinence.

Sunday 7th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day twenty. I have one ten more days to; reach my goal. It feels like a long time but I am looking forward to it. Dr. Anna Lembke said the final week of the thirty day abstinence period is when one starts to feel really good.

I took my parents' dog for a walk today. I also did some reading and laundry. I didn't watch any TV but I watched a few YouTube videos. I didn't have any cravings today. I am confident I can make it another ten days.

Gratitude: I am grateful for the quiet area I live in. I know some people find it hard to sleep because it's noisy where they live.

 

Keep up the good work. I love the name of the thread by the way.

 

Monday 8th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day twenty one. I am three quarters of the way to my goal. Today I I woke up naturally at around six forty five - I'm starting to wake up earlier now without an alarm. I meditated and I had a steak for lunch. I did some work and admin stuff in the afternoon. I went to boxing training tonight and I did some journaling after I got back.

I feel emotionally stable and more resilient to stress . I feel that nofap won't change the world around us - it won't make every thing easy and rosy but it will make us stronger an more resilient. I am looking forward to this week because the fourth week is when people start feeling better during their dopamine fast.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the people I have interacted with today - the woman at the butchers, the staff at the library, the staff in the organic shop, the guys at the boxing gym. I feel like I am involved in the community.

Tuesday 9th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I have done twenty two days now. Today I had a client project to keep me busy all day. I woke up early and worked there until five PM.
I didn't watch any television or YouTube videos today, so no moving images at all. I'm looking forward to getting good deep sleep tonight and feeling great when I wake up tomorrow morning.

Gratitude: I am grateful for the shared workspace I have in my town where I can go to work, focus and get lots done.

Wednesday 10th November
I didn't look at pornography today.

I am on day twenty three of my streak. I did my ten minutes of meditation this morning.
Today I went to jujitsu training. This might be a placebo, but in training today I was stronger and my stamina was better. I was more aggressive too.

After I came home I had steak and eggs for dinner then I did some work in the evening.


One change I've noticed is that the hot, lusty feelings have disappeared from my body. It's either a flatline or I'm slowly conquering lust.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for all the interactions I have every day. The world would be a much lonelier and more boring place without interacting with different people every day.

Thursday 11th November 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

I am feeling more confident in general. Not just in one domain but like I can overcome life challenges and do difficult things. I am having some disagreements with my parents but I'm not letting anything get to me. I'm just keeping my head down and pushing on with one more day porn-fee.

I didn't watch any television or YouTube videos today. I think this is a big part of not having cravings. I haven't seen any images at all today - no digital or print images. No videos at all. Any cravings come from inside my own head not from the outside world.
I am going to make it to the end of the thirty days. My next goal after that will be to the end of the month.

Gratitude: I am grateful for the services and people I have around me locally. Today I went into a Chinese takeaway place on the way home and asked if they had any chopsticks because I want to practice. They gave me some wooden ones.

Friday 12th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day twenty five. This is the longest streak I've done this year. What I've noticed in the past three or four days is that my drive and ambition have started to come back. I've been working on my business after doing nothing for the past three months. I feel excited about what I'm creating and looking forward to the launch. It's like I have a bit of hunger for work back.

My emotional mood is still all over the place. I still get irritated easily with my family and I still have down periods that might be due to the reboot.

I had gotten in touch with Sexaholics Anonymous a few weeks ago. They messaged me back telling me to read a page on their website that explains sexual sobriety and decide if it's for me or not.

They say sexual sobriety for a married person is no sex with themselves or anyone other than their spouse. I agree with at. Then it says for an unmarried person, sexual sobriety is freedom from any sex. I assume that means celibacy but I'm not sure if I understood it properly.

If that is the case I'm not sure if SA is right for me. I remember hearing years ago, "Nofap isn't about being celibate; it's about not wasting your time fantasizing or looking at pixels of women who are not part of your life".

This community advocates not looking at porn and masturbating to screens... and getting out there to date and rewire with a partner. I still want to have a long-term girlfriend/partner for life but I'm not sure if I'll marry.

 

Saturday 13th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I've done twenty five days now. I went to the library this morning to use the computers, send some emails and work on my business. In the afternoon I did some journaling and some reading. This evening I had a steak with two eggs then I did some drawing. I feel pretty steady. I didn't watch any television today but I did watch around four YouTube videos. I feel pretty hopeful about the future and that things will get better.

Gratitude: I am grateful for the delicious rib eye steak I had tonight. I know lots of people around the world are starving and even people in developed countries don't get to east that well.

Sunday 14th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Today I meditated in the morning. I read a lot in the afternoon. I went for a walk in the evening and I did some drawing and journaling and now I'm about to go to bed.

I still get irritated easily and that's sign of withdrawal. I have periodic flashback but I don't do anything bout them. Doing push ups as before I get out of bed has helped me avoid fantasizing and fapping before I get up. Even when I don't achieve much during the day I tell myself it's successful day when I don't look at pornography or masturbate.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the people who trimmed all along the hedge and path where I walk. They cleaned it up a lot and made it lot easier to walk.

Monday 15th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day twenty eight. A full four weeks since I looked at pornography or masturbated. I am two days away from my thirty-day goal.
I am noticeably irritable but I don't know if that's just life stuff that happens to us all.

Today I meditated when I got up. I did some work this morning then I went to the library in the afternoon to email a few messages and post job for some freelancers.

In the evening I went to boxing. In the last two Brazilian Jujitsu and boxing sessions I have felt an increase in my aggressiveness. Anyone who knows me will say I am the most laid-back, placid guy ever. I'm too much of a nice guy for combat sports. I wonder if nofap has released some much needed fire or anger that is good for someone like me? The ability to get a little aggressive when needed. I only mention this because I've never lost my cool in three years of bjj. But last week I noticed a tiny bit of anger sneaking building up during sparing. It was the same when I was sparring in the ring last night.

I am grateful that I get the chance to make up for all this time lost to nofap.

 

Tuesday 16th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day twenty nine. I will make it to my goal of thirty days.

Today I meditated in the morning. I watched some boxing videos on YouTube but no television today. I have lot going on this week but I don't feel stressed by it.

The waterfall colds showers have gone - it's just too damn cold here. While tidying today I was ;in my room, I put some music on and I caught myself dancing like a happy fool in the mirror.

Temptations are still everywhere - on YouTube I'll see a video thumbnail of a girl in a bikini. I have to discipline myself not to click.

Random Act of Kindness: An elderly lady was truing her car around on my road and I helped her reverse and turn around;.

Wednesday 17th November 2021
I did it - I hit my goal of 30 days without looking at porn or masturbating. This is the longest streak I've had this year. I had a bunch of 21 to 24-day streaks but this is the first time I've reached 30.

I'm proud of this because it is the first 100% hard-mode streak I've done. In the summer of 2019, I did 46 days but I was peeking at girls and messaging them on Facebook. I edged a couple of times as well. Technically, I didn't look at porn or orgasm but it was far from a clean streak.

But I can say with my hand on my heart that for the past thirty days I haven't touched myself at all. I haven't looked at single porn image or video or any social media or any images of women.

I am now aiming to keep going till the end of November - to make it a totally clean month.

I think the secret to this steak has been media management. On my laptop, I've disabled all images in Chrome. And the screen goes dark after sundown so it's hard to see anything, making it inconvenient for me to use at night. I gave up TV around a couple of months ago and that has helped.

The way I figured it, all porn comes through a screen. A screen is the portal. So if I avoid those then I avoid porn. To fill the void I've developed lots of analog hobbies - drawing , journaling, reading, walking juggling, boxing and martial arts.

Cold showers and intense bodyweight exercises got me through the first two weeks. But I've fallen off those now- it's gone so cold here I can't make myself do the waterfall cold shower. And I've been busy with work stuff so I haven't done many bodyweight exercises at home.

I haven't had any superpowers yet. My emotions oscillate between Zen calm and irritable.

Lastly I want to say thank you to every one here. Writing every day has become a habit and while it isn't a magic bullet, just posting, reading other people's journals and commenting helps too.

Cheers.

Thursday 18th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day 31. I'm glad I got through today. I thought I was going to celebrate achieving my 30-day goal by relapsing and indulging. But I didn't. I kept my streak going.

Today I meditated in the mornings soon I got up . I did some reading in the afternoon and I did some client work this evening. My goal now is to get to the end of November and make it a clean month. I'm still not waking up early and I slept poorly last night.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the time I have to practice my hobbies every day.

 

Big congrats @True Change !

 

Thanks @Rudolf Geyse . See you getting to 30+ days kept me inspired and on track.

 

Congrats on 30+ days clean from me also, True Change. Well done.

 

That's awesome.

 

Friday 19th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today .

Day 32. I felt better when I woke up this morning and I've been feeling good all day. My voice has changed. There is more resonance in my chest and in my throat, as if my vocal chords are thicker.

I did lots of reading this morning. This afternoon I went to the library to send some emails to contractors and to update my journal and check the forum. I went to boxing training this evening. I was sharp in sparring.

Saturday 29th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Today I went to a fight event with the guys from my MMA club. It was a series of cage fights in an arena with around two thousand people in the audience. I really enjoyed it, being out with other people, getting out of the house and totally away from screens. In my opinion this is the away to live life - experiences with other people. I was there from around 2PM till 9PM.

I remember reading a reboot account by a guy was struggling with social anxiety. He said that just beings out in the world made him feel better, like he was part of society. I don't suffer from social anxiety but I know that he means. We are social animals and there is something that makes us feel good to be among people. Even though I only knew 20-odd people at fight event, just being in an arena with three thousand other people made me feel like part of society, it gave me good energy. This is a feeling we can never get from screens.

Today I didn't watch any YouTube videos or watch TV. I was only online for 15 minutes to answer emails.

Sunday 22nd November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Today I meditated in the morning. I then did some journaling. I went out for lunch with my parents. I read in the afternoon then I went for a walk through the fields. I watched golf on TV in the evening .

The voice changes from nofap are real. I have much more resonance in my chest when I speak. I'm no James Earl Jones by any means but I feel I've dropped from a low tenor into baritone range. Having a stronger voice also makes me want to speak more, so I'm more engaged with people and more likely to speak up. I speak more clearly so people can hear me better and understand me.

Monday 22nd November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I still have fantasies that come into my mind - especially in my dreams. I kept myself busy today: I went to boxing training in the evening. Overall I feel more confident - more swilling to be assertive and say what's on my mind.

Another day free.

Tuesday 23rd November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.
Day 36. This morning I did ten minutes of meditation then I did some drawing and journaling. In the afternoon I went to the library to send some emails. I came home and had dinner. I had a long phone conversation with a friend of mine.

My goal now is to make it to forty days. I have a boxing fight on Sunday December 5 so I want to store up all my strength and energy and be at my best for that.

I didn't watch any television today but I did watch around four YouTube videos about coordination and using chopsticks.

Wednesday 24th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I'm still chugging along, 37 days hard mode. This morning I meditated then I had a steak for breakfast and left for jiu jitsu class. I trained all afternoon. When I came back this evening I did some drawing and journaling. I'm feeling pretty tired now and I'm about to go to bed at 9:30.

I'm confident I can make it to the end of the month now and make it a clean month. My target is next Wednesday December 1.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the books I have to read an all those that are available to me through Amazon and the library. Yesterday I counted all the books I have read this year (I make a note of all books I read). In 2021 I have read 44 books so far. I plan to read lot less in 2022 because I feel I'm consuming rather than creating. But I would much rather read a book than watch TV or surf the net.

I had never though about it before but this year has been the best nofap year I've had ever - multiple 21-24-day streaks and this one (37 days and counting). I've also read a ton of books as well so maybe it's not a coincidence.

Thursday 27th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today. I'm still going strong. My emotions have evened out lot now - I'm not as irritable as I was in the first two weeks. I didn't watch any television today. I did watch around nine YouTube videos, mainly about martial arts, business and juggling. I meditated this morning. I had a steak for lunch. Then I did some drawling and some journaling. In the afternoon I went to donate blood.

I have noticed slight difference in my mood.- I'm not bouncing off the walls or anything, but I do feel more hopeful and optimistic about the future. I'm also more chatty and conversational with people. It's a slight but noticeable personality difference.

Friday 26th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day 39 today. I haven't had any really bad cravings. I have more energy - Last night I didn't sleep well but I still went to boxing training tonight. In the past I would have stayed home and relaxed. I get a lot of images or adult stars and flashbacks in my dreams. I've been keeping a dream journal for bout a year now. I think it must be my bran rewiring during REM sleep. Maybe my brain is filtering through old fantasies and images.
I didn't watch any television today. I watched around four YouTube videos on martial arts.

Saturday 28th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I hit my goal - 40 days without looking at pornography and without masturbating. I thought I would relapse at thirty days after hitting my goal but I've checked off another ten days easily.

My next goal is the end of November, to make it a clean month. The irritability has definitely gone away. I think that was as symptom of the dopamine deficit state I was in for the first three weeks or so. Things aren't bothering me half as much.

Sunday 28th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Last night was challenging. I woke up at around 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. I began fantasizing but I didn't touch myself and the thoughts soon disappeared.

I'm going through some issues and arguments with my parents at the moment. In the past I would have found comfort in porn and masturbation but I'm keeping it it together and staying strong on the path. My nofap streak is helping me rise about the arguments. I remember what Russell Brand's accountability partner told him when he Brand messaged him saying he felt the urge to relapses: " I don't know what's going in your life right now but I know porn won't make it better." Amen to that.

Today I didn't watch any television or any YouTube videos.

Gratitude; I'm grateful for the friend who called me tonight. I'm planning to visit him over the New year. It gives me something to look forward to.

 

Good job True Change. Sounds like you're settling into a routine and finding some balance/consistency. Drawing, martial arts, meditation - a nice range of activities/hobbies to be involved with. Steak for breakfast, that's hardcore.

 

Monday 29th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today. I'm closing in on forty days Just two more to go to the end of the month.

Not much is happening now - I'm not flighting big urges nor am I experiencing any superpowers either. I'm just ticking along adding days to my counter.

Today I took a cold shower and did some journaling in the evening. I didn't watch any television or YouTube today. On December 1st I will have to set a new goal.

Tuesday 30th November 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I completed Nofap November! One month totally clean, hard mode. The longer this streak goes on the more confidence I gain that I can go longer. I have set two new goals:

1. On Sunday 5th of December I have an exhibition boxing fight so I want to be sharp for that so I can't relapse before then.
2. On Saturday the 11th of December I am going to visit my old college buddy for the weekend so I will be away from screens that weekend.

My emotions have balanced out now and I feel very level. Today I did my journaling in the morning. I got the book Dopamine Nation from the library so I'm looking forward to reading that. My energy is better - before I sometimes took a nap on weekend afternoons. These days I have the stamina to be active all day.

One day at a time.

Wednesday 1st December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I had a tough night last night. I woke up in the night and couldn't get back to sleep. For some reason my sleep has been terrible for the past two weeks or so. I thought after the initial couple of weeks of withdrawals my sleep would get better. But progress isn't linear.

Despite not sleeping well I still stayed busy during the day and trained at the boxing gym in the evening.

My mind sometimes thinks back to encounters with girls from the past or a porn scene. I usually get rid of these after a couple of minutes or they go away on their own.

Thursday 2nd December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day 45. I can't believe I'm halfway to the recommended 90. Getting this far has given me a shot of confidence - I'm starting to think: "If can do this, what else can I do"? That's one of biggest benefits of the reboot.

My main goal with is journal is to be honest with everyone. If I peek or relapse I will write about it here. I'd rather fail and be honest than lie.

Today I did my journaling in the morning. I fasted till 11:45am then had steak with eggs. I really feel a growing sense of pride and self respect during this steak. I feel better about myself which is huge. I keep telling myself not to get too far ahead. I just want to make it through this weekend. I watched around five YouTube videos today about boxing. I didn't watch any television today.

Friday 3rd December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Today my parents went away for four days and left me with their dog. To prevent temptation, I unplugged all the cables behind the television. I have no other access to digital images here - my laptop is a 'text only' machine now.

Today I did my journaling in the morning. I fasted till 11:30am then had a steak.

In the afternoon I went to do some work and email some freelancers. Then I went online to order some Christmas presents. I came back home then went to boxing training for one hour. After I came back I did more journaling and some drawing. Now I'm going to bed at 21:45.

I haven't had any fantasies, flashbacks or cravings today. I'm still taking it one day at at time.

Saturday 4th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I've been in an empty house since yesterday morning. I unplugged the television and I haven't been online all day today - I feel great - really focussed, calm am and abundant in time. I have been doing offline activities all day: drawing, journaling, cooking, juggling, reading. It's so peaceful here without having to listen to the boob tube all the time. It's amazing how silent and relaxed everything is when we turn off electronics.

I want to live more like this on a regular basis, disconnected for days at at time. Obviously we all have to work and communicate but rationing it would make us all feel better. Turning off all the news and media noise is so soothing.

I haven't had any cravings or fantasies today.

Sunday 5th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I'm around the fifty day mark. The days are going by a lot faster now than they did at the beginning.

Today I woke up early and took my parents' dog for a walk through the woods as the sun came up. Then I had a boxing exhibition at the local boxing club. There were a group of people watching us and it was good to feel some butterflies and nerves. I'm a big believe in 'doing one thing every day that scares you'. It was also good to be around people in a social occasion too - we all had some food together afterwards.

In the afternoon I ate a ton as a cheat day after having trained and eaten so well for weeks. At night while I was looking through YouTube my brain was telling to me to search for a few women "just to have a look, not to fap" . It seemed as if a voice was saying, "It can't hurt to have look to see if she has uploaded any new videos."

I almost did but I stopped myself before I typed anything into the search box. .I've come too far and it's easier to keep going than to fall off now. All the YouTube videos I watched yesterday where about boxing, powerlifting, golf, business etc. No women at all.

I've noticed over the past couple of weeks my interactions seem to go better. I engage more with the other person and it's a more pleasant interaction. You don't realize how closed off and stand offish you were until you abstain for porn and masturbation for a few weeks.

Monday 6th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I woke up early again and took the dog for a walk. I cleaned the house today. I did some journaling. I hired a couple of freelancers to start working on a project. I went to boxing training this evening. My next milestone is the end of this week because I'll go visit a friend over the weekend.

Tuesday 7th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I'm starting to lose count of the days, which is good thing.

Today I interviewed a couple of freelancers and reviewed their work. I took brisk walks after all my meals. I did my journaling.

I feel more ambition and energy rising up in me through this streak. In my fapping days I was pushing on the accelerator but there was nothing in the tank. Now I have more energy and drive to help me chase those goals.

I didn't watch any television or YouTube videos today. I didn't see any images at all.

Wednesday 8th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I am on day 50 or 51 today. I still feel that I'm healing. I use my sleep as a barometer of my recovery. For the past two nights I've fallen asleep okay but I've woken up around 3am and haven't been able to get back to sleep. From that I deduce that there is till some healing going on in my brain.

Today I journaled. I went to boxing training in the evening. My voice is still strong. What keeps me going is thinking that there could be some superpowers around the corner.

Gratitude: I am grateful for the feedback I get from the other guys at the boxing club. They all go out of their way to help me and give me pointers on what I'm doing wrong. I'm glad I train with such a friendly and helpful bunch of guys.

Friday 10th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

In The book Dopamine Nation I read about a guy who abstained from 'lust in any form' - he stopped watching television and YouTube. I gave up TV in early September but I still watch YouTube occasionally. I've decided to ban YouTube viewing at home. I will only watch the occasional YouTube video when I'm using the computers at the library now.

This rule is not just about triggers but about not wasting my time on infotainment. For the past three days I haven't watched YouTube at all and no television either.

I'm still going strong on this streak: no peeking, no orgasm, no masturbation. I haven't touched myself in over fifty days - pure hard mode.
Sometimes when I'm daydreaming I think back to times with exes. But after a few minutes those visions go away. I think the brain may realize: "Well if he's not going to act on these thoughts then there's no point having them".

I'm closing in on sixty days next.

Saturday 11th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I visited my friend from college for the weekend. I noticed that my words flow better when I'm with him - I'm funnier and verbally sharper. We went to the health club, played tennis, relaxed in the sauna, swam in the pool. Then went for dinner then to the cinema to watch West Side Story.

Sunday 12th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I hung out with my friend all day again today. We went tot the health club to lift weights, do a social fitness class and sit in the jacuzzi. Then we went to for a burger then to the cinema to watch the James Bond movie 'No time to Die'.

After the movie we went to the driving range to hit some golf balls. It was a fun day.

I'm on day 55 today. I've noticed changes in my social behavior. - I joke and banter with service workers. I'm warmer, more talkative, funnier and more positive with strangers.

Monday 13th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Day 56. I came back home today after spending the weekend away. I was offline Saturday, Sunday and today.
I got this idea from reading Dopamine Nation: porn addiction is form of overconsumption that is rife in the modern world - like alcohol and food. Instead of being satisfied with one real woman - monogamy - we want to consume/enjoy multiple women.

Watching the Bond film 'No Time to Die' really got me emotional. It's about love, relationships, and having something in your life worth dying for. It made me look at my own life - I don't have a partner or children. But I have to be grateful for the love I do have - from my parents, from their dog, from my friends, etc.

Tuesday 14th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I need to set a new goal. Back in 2014 I had my previous best streak -71 days - after going though the most painful breakup of my life. But those 71 days were rife with edging, dry humping the bed, peeking at girls on Facebook and dating sites, etc. So there's no comparison to this current streak. My next milestone is to beat the my previous record of 71 days.

I'm not a success story yet, but I do want to share a couple of big keys that have helped me do 57 days hard mode :

1. Media Management - it's hard to be addicted to porn when you're offline all days being active with other people.
2. Change how you think about sex and women - you must think about sex as how two people who are in love make children. This is the hardest thing. It's easy to avoid TV and the internet but changing our minds is really hard. For me during the past 20 years sex has been about body parts, figures, my own pleasure, conquest, etc. But I realized that I need to bring the innocence and purity back to it - if that's possible.

But I guess that's lot to ask for in fifty seven days.

Maybe if I hang on longer till 100 days?

 

Thanks for writing your blog, it has been very inspiring to read through. You are right changing ideas about sex is a hard part of the puzzle; non objectifying and fantasising about women. I would say sex is how two people who are in love express it physically (not purely for making children).

 

You're welcome @positivef ! I'm glad it inspired you.

Yes, the outer hacks - installing a blocker, meditation, cold showers, etc., - are concrete and easy to implement. But trying to change the inner thoughts from lust and objectification to love, bonding and innocence is tough.

I hope it comes in time.

 

Wednesday 15th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

I am now aiming to be clean for the rest of December. That will get me to around 75 days. At that point I will say to myself, "I might as well do another 15 to reach the fabled 90" And then it's only ten days until the three figures.

During this 58-day streak I haven't woken up with an erection. I want to achieve that so I am going to keep going until it happens regularly.

Thursday 16th December 2021
I didn't look at porn today.

Nothing much to report. I'm recovering from a bit of a cold. I still have fantasies that come into my head a couple of times a day but I don't do anything about them.

Today I travelled to a nearby city. I went to the library. Then I walked around the outdoor Christmas market and chatted to vendors. I walked around the streets some more then I had lunch with my parents. I didn't watch any television or YouTube videos today.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for all the inspiring people out there who push me to aim higher.

Friday 17th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today. I made it to day 60!

For anyone just starting out, my experience is that cravings never go away completely but it does get easier. I think about looking at stuff but once I racked up a bunch of days they began to blur together. Then it gets easier to live 'just one more day' day porn free.

Today I was on the computers at the library and I looked at an attractive Youtuber's channel but she hadn't posted any new videos in the last six months - I just clicked off.

It have spent too much time online today - mainly reading articles and listening to music. -so I'm feeling a bit frazzled.

This past week I've fallen off my self discipline regimen. I haven't taken any cold showers, gone for walk, exercised or been to boxing training since Monday. But even though my standards are slipping I still haven't slipped up and looked at porn or masturbated .
I have been nicer to my family these past few days. I think with any addiction withdrawal there is some irritability in the beginning but that has gone now.

Saturday 18th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

Nothing much to add today. I went to the library this morning to do some things online ()messing around to tell the truth). In the afternoon I took my parents' dog out for a walk. Then I had a steak for dinner.

I haven't had any cravings in the past few days. Whenever I think about porn it feels uninteresting.

I am thinking a lot about what my goals are for the coming year. I am not worried about relapsing over the next two weeks . I'm confident I can make it to the new year but I know I need to keep my guard up.

Gratitude: I'm grateful that I 've been lucky to have lived this long. I know lots of people who don't make it to forty so I have been blessed to have been given this many years on the planet. I aim not to waste any more of it.

Sunday 19th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

Day 62 or thereabouts. Not many changes these past couple of weeks. My voice is till strong. I thought nofap wold help me wake up earlier but it still hasn't.

I didn't watch any television today but I did watch some YouTube videos - more than I wanted to. I took my parents dog for a walk. I practiced my juggling.

I don't have any cravings or desire to look at porn now. But it's always in the back of my mind. More than anything this streak has given me confidence to try other things I thought I couldn't do - other 'impossibles'.

 

Monday 20th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

Today I ran some errands in the morning. In the afternoon I went to the library to use the internet and message a freelancer. I had a covid jab the I came home and had some dinner.

I got a boost this afternoon to seeing a message from @positivef on my my journal thread saying it had inspired him. Reading that pushed me to keep going.

I want to see if relatives over Christmas see any notice any difference in me as they haven't seen me since before this streak. I wonder if they will see any difference in my eyes, my skin, my face, my posture or something they can't put their finger on.

Gratitude: I'm grateful the food that I ate today and all that of people that were involved in getting it to my kitchen.

Tuesday 21st December 2021
I didn't look at porn today..

Last night I woke up the the night a couple of times and started having fantasies. When I woke up this morning I began rubbing the sheets but then I stopped myself. I know it's a slippery slope and from experience I know how these things escalate. I think the cravings are coming because I've been less active the past week with no training, little work - just killing time waiting for Christmas.

I didn't watch television today but I did watch some YouTube videos and about nofap and travel. I went for a walk in the afternoon. I am having some arguments with my mother. Usually I would respond to feeling bad by fapping but I'm staying strong. Doing nofap is helping me be more emotionally resilient in the face of conflict.
I have my eye on 90 days and then 100 after that. I've come so far that there's now way I'm going to ruin all this work and go back to day zero. I've been trying to do 90 days nofap for nine years now and this is the best chance I've ever had - I'm on day 64-ish today.

Wednesday 22nd December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

I'm on day 65 or thereabouts. Not much going on now. I'm still waiting and hoping that some superpowers to come my way. The voice changes are real but I haven't experienced much else besides being more outgoing. I know that recovery isn't linear so I might experience some incredible benefits on days seventy five to ninety for example. I've read accounts from guys who said nothing much was happening and then suddenly on day seventy or eighty or one hundred they got their superpowers. We'll see.

I will have to keep my guard up over Christmas because I might find myself alone in front of the television watching a Bond movie or something at 10:30pm and I might get tempted to look at something. I didn't watch any television today but I did watch a UFC fight on YouTube.

Thursday 23rd December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

Day 66. I don't feel much different these days. Today I went to visit the trainers at the boxing club to gift them some chocolates for Christmas. Apart from that I didn't do much. I am spending lot of time thinking bout my life and what my plans are for the coming year. I really hope that nofap will be the catalyst for changing things in my life: earning more, living more independently and maybe meeting a women for a long-term relationship.

I hope this will be the change that changes everything. But I know I have to be patient.

Thanks for everyone here. I couldn't have gotten this far without writing this journal and reading comments from you guys. I've been trying to do this since 2012 never go this far.
Merry Christmas.

 

Congrats on 66 days, True Change. Your name suits your ideas for the new year. You are doing great. All the best for christmas and the new year.

 

Glad that we can boost each other. Hope you are having a good festive time.

 

Friday 24th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

Day 67. I'm feeling anti-climactic these days - I'm not experiencing any huge changes or superpowers from doing nofap. . I guess I might be getting used to it and it's now becoming the 'new normal'. I've read in many success stories and other books on addiction that once you abstains you are now able to get joy from the simple pleasures in life. I don't feel that I'm experiencing joy from the simple things. I'm a bit more productive and driven. I have more endurance during the day. My voice is deeper.

But my advice to myself is to give it a bit more time before I make judgements. I will carry on to 100 days, maybe 130 or even six months, and see if I get any more substantial life changes.

Saturday 25th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

Day 68. Today I helped my parents cook Christmas dinner. It came out well and we put our little differences aside and had a nice meal together. The rest of the day I read a book and watched some Christmas movies.

Sunday 26th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

Over this Christmas period I've watched more television and YouTube videos than usual. But next year I plan to go back to my low-media diet.

Today I ate some left over Christmas food, walked the dog through the woods and did lots of reading.

Monday 27th December 2021
Day 70. I didn't look at pornography today. I'd say I think about pornography on average once per day now.

I feel more 'clean' these days- I have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of.

Going without pornography or masturbation or orgasm for 70 days has given me belief that I can do other stoic challenges - going without spending, or any media or any processed foods - some of those challenges I want to try in the new year.

Tuesday 28th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

I had a wet dream last night. I think that's the second or third nocturnal emission I've had during this 71-day streak. I'm not sure what it means if it means anything at all.

Today I went for a long walk through the country with my parent's dog. I the evening I watched a thanksgiving movie and then a James Bond movie. I was alone in the living room at 11 PM. Everyone else had gone to bed but I didn't look at anything.

When I fantasize my erections are stronger. It's bad that I'm fantasizing sometimes but good that my erections are improving.

Wednesday 29th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today. I was home alone this afternoon and looked at two videos on YouTube that had had some women in them. A mild trigger but I soon turned them off after a couple of minutes. I didn't feel any urge to masturbate.

I am continuing to set my mini goals for nofap: end of 2021, then 90 days, then 100 days and then 120.

I've been more tempted over this Christmas period by just not being busy enough. I'm looking forward to the holiday being over so I can get back to work and boxing training to give my days some structure.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the food I've had over the past couple of days and this time to spend with family. I know they won't be around for ever.

Thursday 30th December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today. I am on day 73 today.

I am really slacking over this Christmas period: I'm not following my healthy diet. I'm sleeping late every morning. I'm watching TV and YouTube videos - mainly family films so nothing has triggered me yet. I haven't done any work. The only good thing I do is go for a 90-minute walk every afternoon. I'm looking forward to getting back to my routine in the New Year . I don't have any physical cravings but the mental thoughts and flashbacks pop up from time to time. What I don't like about Christmas is that it's a time of overconsumption of every thing: food, television, shopping, possessions.

Friday 31st December 2021
I didn't look at pornography today.

Day 74. I made it to the end of the year! If I reach 100 days I think 120 - it's nice round number. it's also four months.

Tonight I was a watching the James Bond film 'Spectre' and it's now a shock for me to see attractive women on a screen because I have been avoiding that for so long.

Saturday 1st January 2022
I didn't look at pornography today.

I have taken the first steps on a slippery slope the past couple of days. I have watched tourism videos on YouTube of people walking around city centers, knowing that there will be some beautiful women in the video. I have not seen them by accident- I have searched for them. It's a minor infringements but it could be the beginning of a slippery slope.

Today I went for a walk with my parent's dog. I'm still hanging on and still on my streak.

Sunday 2nd January 2022
I didn't look at porn today.

I started to slip up this morning. I rubbed the sheets before I got out of bed. I didn't ejaculate but I was edging for a few minutes. I'm not going to reset my counter because I didn't look at any images of women today but it was a small slip up to be sure.

Apart from that, I've stayed strong all day. I didn't watch any television or YouTube videos today. I took a walk in the afternoon. I got back on my diet after all the holiday food over the past two weeks.

I'm on day 76. I'm getting pretty close to the 90. These past two days are the closest I've come to slipping up with looking a the YouTube videos of women and rubbing the sheets this morning, but I can still call this a hard mode streak.

Monday 3rd January 2022
I didn't look at pornography today.

I got back on track today. I woke up early and travelled with my parents to visit my sister and her her husband and their two children. I am on day 77. I will be staying with them for the next three days to I will get to days 80. I haven't had a thought about sex all day

I am starting to think that maybe day 90 won't be some magic moment and that I will need to keep ploughing ahead to day 100 or 120. I remember hearing from Gary Wilson that younger guys need many months to recover but old guy guys need less. I had one relationship before I discovered pornography. But I've been addicted to porn and masturbation for 19 years or so nineteen years, so even tough I'm older maybe I will need to more time to recover.

Tuesday 4th January 2022
I didn't look at pornography today.

I'm staying at my sisters house with her family for a few days. I took their dog for walk in the morning. We went with my nephew and niece for a walk through the woods and a park in the afternoon We played board games. Then we went to have dinner at a friend's house. A good night of food and conversation around the dinner table. I haven't been online all day.

Gratitude: I'm grateful for the family I do have that are still here and I get to spend time with. When I'm with them, lust is the furthest thing from my mind.

Wednesday 5th January 2022
I didn't look at pornography today.

I had a wet dream last night. It's weird: this is the fourth or fifth wet dream I've had during this 79-day day streak. I never expected to have this many - I expected to have one or two. I guess it helps because it releases the pressure. I don't know if the wet dreams are a sign of healing or that I'm still stuck in those thoughts

Another nice day with family. I took their dog for a walk. In the afternoon we took my niece and nephew to tennis lessons. Then we played board games. We had dinner together and then I did a jigsaw in the evening. I haven't been online today.

I do feel that I'm connecting with people better. I'm closer to people. I have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to hide. I feel good tonight. I haven't been online for three days. I've been around family..

I began rubbing the sheets as I got up this morning but I cut it off after minute or so and did some pushups. I need to avoid letting that habit creep back into my life.

Thursday 6th December 2022
I didn't look at pornography today. Day 80.

I didn't watch any television or any YouTube videos apart from two on recommended books.

I read a success story on Yourbrainonporn by a guy who did 90 days hard mode and then another 90 days easy mode. He said a couple of things that resonated with me that I have experienced too:

1. This process isn't linear. On day 50 you might feel amazing then on day 75 feel awful. But he also said, even on the bad days, any day that you don't look at pornography is a good day.
2. Fantasies don't go away you just get better at dealing with them. That's how I feel.

I'm heading into the home straight - 10 more days till I get to 90, but I still feel that I'm not even fifty percent recovered.

 

Friday 7th December January 2022
I didn't look at pornography today.

I got my swagger back today - I got back to work and started checking things off my to-do list.

I went to boxing training in the evening and felt good afterwards. When I feel like I do today, I think about being clean for the next six months because I know I won't accomplish the things I want to if I'm addicted. I didn't fantasize today . I didn't watch any television. I watched a few YouTube videos about weight lifting - nothing potentially arousing.

Gratitude: I'm am grateful that I have a boxing gym right on my doorstep. It's full of very experienced trainers and other good fighters who are decent people. I'm lucky to have this opportunity and resource.

Saturday 8th January 2022
I didn't look at pornography today.

Day 82. I've calculated that a week tomorrow (Sunday) will be the 90-day celebration.

I've had a pretty good day today. I updated my journal on the forum. I went for long walk through the countryside in the afternoon. I ate two steaks and nine eggs today. I did some pull ups, chin ups and dips. I am feeling bit overwhelmed with all the things on my to do list but that's life. I will just have to do them one at at me.

Gratitude; I'm grateful for the activities and facilities I have locally. I have lots f great walks. I have the boxing club. I have the library. I used to complain a lot about the place I lived but I've stopped bitching now and started to find cool things to do locally instead of always wishing I was somewhere else.

Sunday 9th January 2022
Today I looked at an adult star's twitter page and then I searched Reddit for a while looking at various subreddits of adult stars.

I didn't see any images but I did see a few grainy, black and white video clips. I didn't linger on them but just kept scrolling. I didn't tough myself and I didn't feel any urge to masturbate.

I'm not sure it this is a relapse or not. I did actively search those sites.

At least I prevented myself from saying 'to hell with it' and doing a full-on binge. It's a minor infringement and in AA I would have to start over. But I guess it doesn't really matter. This journey is for me and I've done 83 days so far without masturbating and without watching a porn video or looking at any photos on social media. Other than this, it was a good day. I did boxing training in the morning and I went for a long walk in the afternoon. I didn't watch any TV but I did watch some YouTube videos on strength training.

Monday 10th January 2022
I didn't look a t pornography today.

I got back on track after the slip up yesterday. I meditated in the morning. I had an omelette for breakfast then went to do some work. I came home in the afternoon, had a steak and then went to boxing training.

A few things haven't happened that I expected to happen when I reached close to 90 days. I expected to sleep really well and wake up early full of energy. I expected to be horny all the time and have raging boners and blue balls. That' hasn't happened either.

Things that happened that I didn't expect? I didn't expect to have so many wet dreams.

Tuesday 11th January 2022
I didn't look at pornography today.

I slept well last night after weeks of not sleeping well. I have starred meditating again after missing it for two weeks so maybe that's the reason.

This morning I meditated then had an omelette or breakfast. In the afternoon I planned the first lesson of a Spanish class I'm teaching in a local community college. I came home at four to have a steak for dinner. Then I taught the class in the evening. It felt so good to share something with people and teach and help others. I really think giving is one of the secrets to not only overcoming addiction but also to living a life well-lived. We are all here because we overconsumed something. But the way to feel good is to focus outwards, to help others rather than focus on our own pleasure.

I am teaching this class for six weeks and I want to stay on the nofap path because I want to give my students the best of me. When I'm clean I've got more energy and mental sharpness. I connect better. So this class might motivate me to stay clean for another six weeks.

I am going to track my media consumption on this journal now. For me, television and YouTube are triggers and slippery slides so my goal this year is to limit consumption of both. I'm not aiming for perfection by never looking at either of them again. I think YouTube is superbly useful for listening to music or looking up how to do something - repairs, cooking recipes, playing instruments, etc. But there are also a lot of attractive women on there just one click away so I want to limit consumption. So every day I will track:
Days since I last watched television:
Days since I last watched YouTube:

Wednesday 12th January 2022
I didn't look at pornography today.

Days without watching TVs: 5
Days without watching YouTube: 0 Today I watched a music video - One Love by 'Blue'.

I slept well again last night. I meditated for five minutes this morning. I spent the afternoon writing some notes from a book I read. In the evening I had a steak dinner then went to boxing training. I've had a bit of a spring back in my step these past couple of days;. I don't know if I'm excited about the coming year or if I'm finally rebooting and healing.

Thursday 13th February 2022
I Looked at Reddit again today at a couple of adult stars' pages. I scrolled quickly past a couple of clips and didn't see any images, but I know I'm slipping.
I also watched a couple of videos on YouTube of people walking on the beach and there were a few attractive women in the video.

Days without watching TV: 6
Days without watching YouTube: 0

I'm reading book called, 'Happy' by Derren Brown and a passage helped me:

"Epictetus encouraged us to embrace tenacity over perfection. Perfection is not important, just keeping going is all that matters."

Reading that passages inspired me to forgive myself quickly and just keep ploughing on. I've had a couple of small slip ups but not a full on tumble or fall down. So I keep putting one foot in front of the other - one day after another.