True Change's Journey to The Land Where The Hand Is Banned

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by True Change, Jul 5, 2021.

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  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Great stuff, TC. It can be awkward talking to people about porn, but in the times I've done it, I've gotten varying levels of acceptance that it's a problem from the different people. I think everyone is in danger of it being a problem, since by its nature it is a very addictive "substance".
    You're doing really good work!
     
  2. True Change

    True Change Member

    Thanks so much for the encouragement Mozenjo.

    I have found through experience that it's easier to talk to guys aged between 25-40, because almost all of them have watched porn. I even told a girlfriend about it years ago and she was supportive. One advantage of pornography being so easily accessible these days is that it's not a taboo topic any more. Every cloud has a silver lining.
     
  3. True Change

    True Change Member

    Tuesday 24 August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I didn't watch any TV today but I did watch a few YouTube videos, which to me are almost the same think. I went for along walk this evening. I took a cold shower this morning. It's been twelve or thirteen days since I looked at porn although I did masturbate a couple of times. I feel like I'm weakening the addiction but it's still there. I have no libido so it's not too difficult. I find it pretty easy to stay clean during a flatline but it gets tough when the libido comes back. I need to be prepared for that.

    I am grateful that I don't have a lot of stress in my life at the moment. I am feeling pretty relaxed and content.

    Wednesday 26 August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did some drawing and handwriting practice as soon as I got up. Then I went to train in Jiujitsu this afternoon. Once I got home I cooked myself steak and eggs. I didn't watch any TV today.

    I was thinking today about the influences I had from my teens and how they shaped my view of women. From the age of 17-20 I started buying and reading men's magazines like Maxim. That was when I first stated looking at images of attractive women.

    Then from the age of about 20 I got into hip hop music, specifically gansta rap. Many rap icons in the 80's and 90's had multiple children with multiple women and were renowned notch collectors: Easy E, Dr. Dre, Suge Knight, Puff Daddy, Tupac. The song lyrics talked about 'groupies', 'hoes' and 'bitches'. The women in hip hop videos are objectified, shaking their asses.

    About age 24 I got into the pick up/seduction community.

    Looking back, maybe those influences made me hypersexual, focussing on women's looks and always seeking casual sex. Of course there were other factors as well: my male friends at school and university were always talking about getting laid and about females bodies, so I can't blame media entirely.

    Maybe porn addiction is the symptom and the cause is how I looked women over the years. I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud.

    Thursday 27 August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I went for a walk today and walked some of the path barefoot. I didn't watch any TV today.

    I am trying to go to bed earlier now because I read in The Brain That Changes Itself that the brain needs extra sleep when it's going through plastic changes. I have been going to bed fairly early for a while now - around 10:30 but I'm trying to push that to 9:30 or 9:00.

    Porn can sneak into our lives so easily. Yesterday, I googled testosterone and I saw this author/trainer had tweeted about it. I clicked on his tweet and restarted reading the replies and one of them was from a well known adult start. Luckily my laptop doesn't display images (I disabled them)

    Triggers can come out of the blue they're always through a screen. I've eliminated TV from my life now. I plan on keeping that habit for life.
    I still use the internet for work so that's a danger. But I've grey scaled my laptop and disabled all images and I usually go to the public library to use the internet so I'm not tempted. It seems to be working pretty well so far.

    I tell myself: "No matter what happens during my day, any day no porn is a good day." I have to keep telling myself that because I don't really celebrate single days any more, but I should. 'One day at a time' is the only way to accomplish big things.
     
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You have some great strategies going on, True Change. Well done!
     
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I agree with Saville. You are doing great work. Removing the traps we've created for ourselves is key.
     
  6. True Change

    True Change Member

    Thank you @Saville and @Mozenjo - encouragement gives me the boost to keep going.
     
  7. True Change

    True Change Member

    Friday 27 August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I took a cold shower this morning meditated. I went to do some errands this afternoon at the bank and at the library. I ate a steak with eggs for dinner and went for a walk through the fields. I had no cravings today and didn't think about porn at all. I have been sleeping well this week. I think my brain is rewiring and healing on this reboot. My goal is to make it clean to the end of the month.

    I haven't watched any TV today.

    I am grateful that I don't have a lot of stress at the moment. But that's not always a good thing. I'm a big believer in positive stress that makes us stronger. I am going to train in jiujitsu tomorrow so that will give me some eustress.

    Saturday 28 August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I woke up early and did my meditation and handwriting. Then I had some breakfast, took a cold shower and went to jiujitsu training. In the afternoon I sat outside in the garden enjoying the sun and drawing. Then I made some homemade ice cream - I'm trying a new recipe. In the evening I went for a walk and listened to an audiobook. I watched bout ten minutes of TV today - a documentary about the Aztecs.

    I haven't had any desires or cravings today. I am on day sixteen. I always start to feel good as I get near the twenty day mark - a feeling of extra energy, zest for life and happiness that is hard to describe.

    I am grateful that I can wake up whenever I want. I have been sleeping well this week and having a lot of vivid reams.

    Sunday 29 August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I'm still in a flatline. I haven't had a boner for what seems like weeks. Today I cooked a roast beef lunch with my parents. It came out really well. We ate lunch outside in the garden. After lunch I cleaned the rooms upstairs, vacuuming, mopping and sweeping. I cut my Dad's hair for him.

    In the evening I went for a long walk through the woods. I stopped and chatted to a guy who walks seventeen miles a days. When I came back I had some left over roast beef and ironed my jiujitsu kimono.

    Today I read some success stories from the forum. Reading about people going two or three years without looking at porn is both inspiring and intimidating.

    I am grateful that I've had an easy week without much work and I've been able to relax .

    Monday 30 August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I'm on day eighteen or so. Today I noticed an increase in energy. I was active and busy all day. I did my morning routine of meditation, drawing, handwriting and bodyweight exercises. then I had breakfast. After that I ironed my clothes. Then I took a cold shower.

    In the afternoon I did some work and wrote a couple of emails. Then I cooked a roast beef dinner. In the evening I went for a long walk and listened to the audiobook 'Suffocation'. It's about nine thirty and I'm going to bed now.

    I am grateful for all the simple joys I have in my life: all the countryside I can walk through every day. The library where I can use the internet and get any book . The local food that I can buy to eat healthily. The few possessions I have that make my life a bit easier. The family and friends I have even though at times I wish they didn't do the things they do.

    I'm still in a flatline.
     
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  8. True Change

    True Change Member

    Tuesday 31st August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I didn't think about it today. I'm still in a flatline and have no cravings. My energy are mood are higher than usual. I've achieved my gaol of making it to the end of the month. I'm feeling pretty good right now and don't want to break my streak.

    Today I went to the library to send a few emails. I went for a ninety minute walk in the evening.

    I'm grateful for my sleep. For the past five days I've been sleeping really well. From about 10pm to 7am I sleep like a baby. I think part of it is my brain healing. I know many adults don't sleep well so I count myself lucky.

    Wednesday 1st September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I woke up and did a few minutes of meditation and then did some handwriting practice. I had an omelette for breakfast and took a cold shower.

    In the afternoon I went to; jiujitsu training and trained there till 5pm. Then I came home home and made dinner. I watched thirty minutes of TV tonight.

    I didn't have any desires today. Funny thing: I noticed a couple of attractive girls today as I was walking and taking the bus. Maybe I am slowly starting to see real women as attractive again. Or maybe it was a coincidence and there were an unusually high number of semi-attractive women on my route today .

    I am on day twenty and I'm proud of myself for getting this far. I don't want to end it and I don't see any need because I'm not having any cravings and I don't have to fight off raging boners. So I might as well ride out is flatline as long as possible .

    Thursday 2nd September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had a few thoughts because I'm home alone but I decided to take the temptation away by going to bed early. It's nine PM now and I'm about to go bed.

    Going to bed early is such a great nofap strategy. I read in the Willpower Instinct that we have the most willpower in the morning and it drains at the day goes on - that's one reason for late night junk food. I am more likely to watch porn after the sun has gone down. So by crawling into bed super early with a book I remove that temptation. The other alternative if you are going to stay up is to be with other people.

    Today I watched quite a bit of YouTube even though I didn't watch any TV but I think it's just as bad if you don't keep it under control.
    I took my parent's dog for a walk through the fields. Then I did some reading.

    I am grateful that I have good food here and at I'm sleeping really well now.

    Friday 3rd September 2021
    I relapsed last night.

    I woke up at 3 am and for some reason couldn't get back to sleep. The frustration of not being able to sleep made me get up and go downstairs to look at TV and YouTube.

    I wasn't particular excited or even hard.

    For the rest of the day I focussed on not bingeing and doing the addict thing of saying 'fuck it' and ruining all the good work. I took a really cold and uncomfortable shower. Then I took some things to a goodwill store to donate them. I took my parents dog for walk.

    I remember Charlie Munger saying that you should "never let one tragedy turn into two" so I made a big effort to keep it to only one relapse. I got back on track and completed the day porn free.

    Saturday 4th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I went to jiujitsu training until the afternoon. Then I bought an Aloe Vera plant for my desk and I took my parents dog for a walk while listening to an audio book.

    I am reading a book called 'Remotely Controlled' - it's about the damaging effects of TV. After reading that, I will only watch tv when I'm at a friend's house ay movie or a sports match. But I will never own a TV at my own place.

    I feel good for having gotten right back up when after I stumbled on Thursday night. I think that is the key: to keep your relapses to just one and get right back on track.

    Sunday 5th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    Today I cooked a Sunday lunch for my mother. I cleaned all the bedrooms - mopped the floors, swept and vacuumed. I then went for a two hour walk in the afternoon. When I got back I did some writing in my journal, I practiced my handwriting and listened to a podcast.

    I heard this quote today: "Sunshine is the best disinfectant". It made me think about talking more about porn addiction and brining it out in the open.

    I am grateful that have lot of books here to stimulate my mind with new ideas. And I am grateful that I've got lots of healthy food and that we are having some sunny weather here.
     
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  9. True Change

    True Change Member

    Saturday 11th September 2021
    I relapsed tonight.

    It was silly. I had been hiking all day and I came home feeling tired. My dad asked me to to have a look at his iPad because it wasn't working. I took it upstairs and logged into Instagram and then looked a a couple of videos. It was over in less than fifteen minutes. I feel there is progress because I don't feel the same enjoyment or excitement that I used to. I was looking at the photos and it was just 'meh' - it doesn't do much for me any more. I think the reduced desire shows progress.

    I had a great day before that. I was up at 4:30am. I went with the guys from the MMA club to climb a mountain. We hiked all day - three hours to get up and two hours to walk down. Then we rested and had something to eat and drink. It felt good waking up really early seeing the sun come up and being outside all day in clean air and moving my body. The trail was really busy and I noticed a few attractive females which is another sign of progress. I will carry on the road I'm on and keep battling.

    Sunday 12th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I got up and did my morning routine, then I did some reading. I had lunch with my parents then I went for a walk. I watched and hour of golf on TV in the evening. Then I went upstairs to do some journaling and now I'm going to bed at 9PM.

    The important thing was not having two PMO days in a row, to get right back on track after relapsing yesterday.

    I have noticed that the more I avoid images the better I feel. After reading Remotely Controlled I've sworn off all television. I'm not exposed to any images that might tempt me and the only women I see are real flesh and blood humans and I think that helps rewire me. So I'm obsessively avoiding images all images, digital and print and screens in general. It's helping me stay clean and progress with no fap and feel better in my life.

    I am grateful for the experiences I had this weekend - playing golf with my Dad on Friday then hiking up a mountain with the guys from the Jiu Jitsu club on Saturday.

    Monday 13th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I got up and did my morning routine. Then I made myself some breakfast. I went to the library to check my emails and do some online banking. then I came home and cooked myself a steak with some eggs. In the evening I did a 1-hour meditation session on Zoom that I do every Monday night.

    I didn't think about porn today and I didn't have any flashbacks. I feel a little happier and little more social. Not superpowers by any means but a little increase.

    I have to have faith that life will get better when I give this thing up. I might not know how but I have hope that things will improve.

    I have good health and that is enough to be grateful about.
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2021
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  10. True Change

    True Change Member

    Tuesday 14th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today;.

    I was tempted for a few seconds but I didn't entertain the thought - I just carried on with my day.

    I did my morning routine then I had some breakfast. I edited my journal and took a cold shower. I went to the library to send some emails. I went to the butcher on the way home to buy some meat then I walked home through the woods. I had dinner with my Dad outside in the garden. Then I cleaned my shoes. I'm writing this at 9pm and I'm about to go to bed to read. Tomorrow I have jiu-jitsu training.

    Lately I've been reading books about the importance of relationships and community. One of the most insidious effects of PMO is that it keeps us away from other people. Instead of bonding with others we are alone with a screen. It's like TV in that sense but even worse because at least you can watch TV with other people. PMO keeps us away from platonic relationships and it distorts our views of intimate relationships.

    Wednesday 15th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I got up and did my meditation. I had an omelette for breakfast and then had a cold shower and went to jiu-jitsu training. I was there all afternoon. I came home at 6 and ate salmon for dinner. Then I wrote in my journal and practiced juggling. Now I'm going to bed at eight thirty.

    This morning was the first in a long while that I woke up with morning wood. I didn't watch any TV today. I'm proud that for two days in a row I haven't watched any TV or YouTube videos. I haven't seen any images of people these past two days. The only people I've seen have been flesh and blood people in real life .

    I few porn as images of women as 'sexual advertising'. Ads entice us to want to buy things, while images of women on the net/TV/ or magazines make us want to have sex. But if you avoid the images the desire go away. Ignorance is bliss.

    I'm happy with my progress.

    Thursday 16th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had a craving in the afternoon while I was in the bathroom but then I quickly took a cold shower.

    I hope the reboot will help me wake up earlier. I am going to bed early these days but I sleep for nine and half hours. I would like to get up earlier.

    I went for along walk today. I did my morning routine and I read a book in the afternoon. I haven't watched any TV or any YouTube videos at all today. That's three days in a row of not seeing any images on a screen, only text. It really helps.

    I'm grateful that I have all the food I need here to keep me healthy and satisfied. I know many people around the world don't have that.

    Friday 17th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    Over the past couple of nights some flashbacks have come back. I think it's due to the changes in my brain. Maybe my brain is whining that it's not getting its dopamine fix. Or my brain is rewiring and getting rid of old images I don't know.

    There were a couple of times today where I though about relapsing but I just went to the next thing in my day. I'm proud that I got through today because I had some desires. I'm feeling better, slightly happier and more energetic. I don't know what day of my streak I'm on, maybe day five or something.

    I didn't look watch TV today but I did look at a few YouTube videos - a couple of MMA fights and one of comedian and podcaster Russell Brand talking about porn addiction. He said he once sent a text to his accountability partner saying "I want to look at some porn right now". His friend messaged back saying, "I don't know what you're feeling right now but I know porn will not make it better". Brilliant.

    Saturday 18th September 2021
    I relapsed last night.

    I went to bed early - around eight forty-five - but I couldn't sleep. I got frustrated and so at ten thirty or so I got up and took my Dad's tablet and logged into Instagram then PMO'd.

    The good thing these days is that I always keep the relapses to one day.

    I had a relaxed day today. I listened to some podcasts, I did some bodyweight exercises, I took a nap. I had a steak dinner outside in the garden with my parents. After we sat around for another hour or so reminiscing about the family home we lived in when I was growing up . We talked about old friends and memories. We weren't in a rush. Nobody checked the time.

    That brings me to a benefit I've felt over the past week or so - I am feeling closer to other people. It's hard to describe but I'm kinder and listen better and people open up to me more. The conversations go deeper and smoother.

    After dinner I practiced my handwriting and did some reading. I'm going to bed early again.

    I am grateful for all the opportunities and cool experiences that are available to me. My friend asked me to visit him again. We might go bouldering or race super cars at a track.

    Sunday 19th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had a few carvings after lunch but I got rid of them by moving all the furniture around in my room and cleaning everything underneath;. Then I went for a walk through the fields and woods.

    That edging session and relapse on Friday night took a lot out of me. I have been tired for two days.
     
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  11. True Change

    True Change Member

    Monday 20th September
    I relapsed last night after going to bed. The cravings that I had pushed away during the by being busy came back to while I was in bed. I guess the one positive is that I don't do multiple sessions or multi-day binges anymore. That could be down to age but it could also be a sign that this addiction is weakening.

    I got right back to my routine today. I did some handwriting practice and some body weight exercises - chin ups and pull ups. I took a freezing cold shower. I went to the library to check my emails and do online banking. I did an hour -long meditation session tonight.
    I am grateful that I have little stress in my life right now.

    Tuesday 21st September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had some fantasises this morning as I was lying in bed. I am still working on getting out of bed quickly after I wake up. I did a liquid fast today - bone broth, orange juice and milk all day. I took freezing cold shower.

    I went to my doctor's surgery in the afternoon because I wanted them to look at my eye and the lady on reception was sharp, almost to the point of rudeness. It bothered me a bit and and was having one of those imaginary arguments with her the rest of the afternoon.

    Later I was walking out of the supermarket and I saw a woman hobbling towards the ATM. As I walked past her I looked down to her feet - she was wearing a long summer dress and I saw a prosthetic leg going into her shoes. I felt grateful tat I have my legs and I can walk every day. Not everybody is as fortunate.

    I then went home, drank some bone broth and went for a walk. When I came back I cleaned my walking boots then I wrote in my journal.

    I didn't watch any TV today but I did watch a couple of YouTube videos about nofap and swimming. One nofap Youtuber said that a relapse is inevitable. Sometimes I read stories of guys who have steak going on five hundred days and I feel like a failure when I relapse. But I realised today that relapses are inevitable and the most important thing is to keep moving forward.

    Wednesday 22nd September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    It was pretty easy today - I've had conjunctivitis and I just lay around reading. I didn't feel like doing much. I did my morning meditation and journaling. I didn't watch any TV today but I did watch some YouTube videos. I went for a walk in the evening.

    Thursday 23rd September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    Today I didn't do much because I have been recovering from conjunctivitis. I sat out in the garden enjoying the sun. I did some reading and I went for a walk this evening.
    Today I read fellow fapstronaut say that a flatline is just the brain rewiring itself to be aroused to real women and touch. It's a good reframe to see the flatline as a positive.
    I am grateful that my life is pretty relaxed right now. I have little stress.

    Friday 24th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I read a great reply by Lancet (or Liberty - sorry I can't remember the name) on his journal today about wanting to get away from 'streak thinking . I agreed with him totally. I have been keeping my eye on the bigger picture: holistic life improvement and not beating myself up for relapsing. For me this journey has become about much more than a ninety day clean streak of no pmo. It has become about mediating, reading lots of books, cutting TV totally out of my life, spending more time in nature, valuing experiences over possessions, taking a daily cold shower, practicing a communal sport, exercising every day, eating carnivore or paleo diet, journaling, spending less time online, going to bed early, waking up early, having a creative outlet though writing and drawing, learning lots of new skills, doing volunteer work and working on my business. I feel if I make all those a part of my life they will eventually crowd out porn and fapping.

    The focus is on building and doing rather than avoiding and abstaining. If I am doing all those things and I relapse, so what? I just get up and keep going and go back to those positive habits.

    I am grateful that I will my body is healing and that I will go out to eat with my parents tomorrow.

    Saturday 27th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    Today I woke up and did my morning routine. I had some ground beef and rice for breakfast. Then I took a cold shower and walked to the library to return a book then I bought a birthday card for my mother. I came home and watched the golf on TV. Then I went for lunch with my parents. Once we got back I went for a ninety minute walk though the fields. Then I did some journaling and practiced my handwriting. Now I am going to bed at nine pm.

    I think the goal is to get dopamine hits from healthier activities so we don't need it from pmo. We can get a high from the flow state of creative work. We can get a high from altruistic acts and from sharing experiences with others. And from physical exercise.

    Thursday 30th September 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I didn't journal the last four days. I had a slump. I've realised how all these bad habits - watching porn, masturbating, staying up late, watching a lot of TV and YouTube - are all connected. They're all about escapism. I relapsed once on Monday and once on Tuesday.

    I feel a bit down today, pessimistic about the future, nihilistic. But I know that's due to watching too much TV, eating junk food, staying up late, and pmo.
    I'm grateful that I have plenty of food and no too much stress in my life at the moment.
     
  12. True Change

    True Change Member

    Friday 1st October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I got back into my disciplined routine today: I did my morning routine, ate paleo all day, took a cold shower and went for a walk. Now I'm going to bed at nine PM. I didn't watch any TV today.

    I read a nofap success story today by a guy who said that you can see relapses coming days before. I will keep that in mind and look out for signs that a relapse is coming.

    Saturday 2nd October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did my morning routine again. I went for a long walk in the pouring rain. I practiced juggling and I didn't watch any TV today. I feel I'm not doing that well because I'm doing these twenty day streaks. But I have to remind myself how far I've come - in the summer of 2019 I was stressed at work and I had a smartphone at that time. I was fapping everyday for about two weeks straight. These days I can easily do a twenty-day streak.

    Sunday 3rd October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I'm proud I made it through today as there were many moments where I could have slipped. I had a few flashbacks that kept reappearing through the day. Also, I was reading a novel that had a brief sex scene in it.

    But I used procrastination to my benefit. I kept telling myself "I'll look at it later" or "I'll look at it tomorrow." I kept putting it off and then went for along walk.
    The ability to delay and put it off until later is huge because the chances are later you will be in a different state and will have forgotten bout the craving. It's just one day but it feels like a success. I'm not telling myself I will never pmo again. I'm just delaying it for a an hour or two or until the next day.

    I feel grateful for the the clothes I have. I wear most of them on a regular basis and make good use of them. I have everything I need for my life.

    Monday 4th October 2021
    I relapsed last night. I'm not upset. I managed to delay it for a while. I woke up in the middle for the night rubbing the sheets. I couldn't get back to sleep so I did some push ups and read my novel. I held off for a couple of hours I count as as a victory.

    Today I got back on the horse and had a clean day. I'm slacking on cold showers because it's gotten colder here and they're harder to do than in the summer. I read a lot today and went for a long walk through the fields and woods.

    I have been going through my possessions and discarding a few things, having a clear out. I am grateful for all the possessions in my life. Most of them serve me or bring me joy in the words on Marie Kondo. They are all things I wanted to buy and own at one time. I read somewhere that most of us have all the things we dreamed about a few year ago. We have the job, clothes, gadgets that we once wanted. That is true for me. I have kept a list of the things I want to buy - I looked through it today and saw that I have most of he things I ever wanted. Many of my wishes came true. I'm grateful for that.

    Tuesday 5th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    Two things stood out for me today. First, I went to the library and as I was walking through I saw a card on a table with a picture of a woman on it. I stopped and looked a bit closer - it was the picture of a woman who worked at the library for couple of years. I hadn't seen her for a year or so, right around the time of the COVID-19 lockdowns. It was a memorial card saying she had died a week ago. I was shocked - I thought she was in her sixties. I went upstairs to ask another staff member and she said the lady had been fighting caner for years and she was given two weeks to live and a couple of month ago. She made it nine weeks then passed away The funeral was today. I remember about her was how energetic, cheerful and positive she was. Everybody liked her.

    She taught me a bigger lesson than all the self help books I've read: that no matter how dire your circumstances, you can always act cheerful. She showed me that there is no link between your problems and circumstances and your demeanour. Anybody can be up and friendly, no matter what problems you have and what challenge s your facing behind closed doors.

    The second epiphany I had today was about nofap. I'm a fan of Scott Adams and his goals vs. systems idea from his book How to Fail At Everything and Still Win Big. I realized that 90 days is a goal. It's in the future. you fail every day until you reach the magic day. Every time you relapse you feel like a failure. And once you reach day 90, what then?"

    In contrast, a system is something you do every day. My system is cold showers, walking in nature, no TV, limited internet time, exercise, early to bed, etc.
    Every day you follow your system you can feel good about yourself. I can't do 90 days every day but I can take a cold shower everyday. I can do push ups every day. I can mediate everyday. I'm focussing completely on my system and putting goals to the back of my mind for now.

    Wednesday 6th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I kept myself busy all day. I did my morning routine. I had breakfast then I went to jujitsu training. I trained all afternoon then came home and had some fruit for dinner. Now I'm going to bed early - 8:30pm - to read.

    I'm grateful for the people I know: my parents, my clients, my sparring partners and all the different ways they challenge me and support me.

    I don't feel anything special having not looked at porn today but I have to enjoy single days of success. It's another brick in my success building.

    Thursday 7th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had no desire today. I read for two and half hours. I didn't watch any TV but I watched around one hour of YouTube videos, mainly about bodybuilding.

    Friday 8th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today. I saw a few girls on the home page of YouTube wearing bikinis but I didn't click on the videos. I wasn't interested. Today I took a freezing cold shower and felt great afterwards. I find as it gets colder, it's harder to take a cold shower but if I brave it I feel awesome.

    I took my parent's dog for walk to the river and back. I uploaded my journal. I was going to buy some nachos or ice cream but I disciplined myself to leave it until tomorrow. I find that small acts of willpower help the bigger willpower challenge of saying no to porn. It's almost like exercising your willpower muscle on smaller weights.

    I am grateful I've got lots of food here and lots of book to read.

    Saturday 9th October 2021
    I relapsed tonight.

    I was watching a movie on Netflix at night. Once it finished I was about to go to bed but then I started peeking on YouTube on the smart TV. I wasn't in the mood. I didn't have any cravings or an erection but it's amazing how you can begin with no desire and then build it up. I didn't look at porn but I relapsed to bikini girls and twerking videos on YouTube.

    I had a pretty good day besides that. I went to jujitsu training in the morning then I took the dog for a walk in the afternoon.

    Sunday 10th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    It was s struggle. I had the chaser effect from relapsing yesterday - I was thinking about looking at stuff all day and thinking of ways I could access porn. But I made it through the day and I'm proud of myself or that. I feel strong when I make it through a day when I have cravings compared today day when I have no cravings at all.

    I think it was Emerson who said, 'we gain the strength of the cravings we don't succumb to'.

    I was reading online about the benefits of nofap on a person's work ethic. I know that many of the superpowers are exaggerated and many guys hope that nofap will turn them into the next Elon Musk of drive and achievement, but it's not that simple.

    And yet I'm unhappy with my drive and work ethic. I feel that porn addiction is a big part of that. I want to work harder and grow my business and my income but I'm coasting along doing the bare minimum.

    I'm grateful for the books I have and the savings I have in the bank to get me through this dip in work.

    Monday 11th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I fapped under the sheets when I woke up this morning. I didn't watch any TV or any YouTube videos today. I had a cold shower and I did meditation this morning and this evening too. I am going to bed now at nine thirty.

    I am grateful that I have access to meditation and Brazilian jujitsu locally. That hasn't always been the case in other places I've lived.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2021
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    "As the Sandwich Islander believes that the strength and valor of the enemy he kills passes into himself, so we gain the strength of the temptation we resist."

    You're right, it is Emerson. I wasn't aware of that quote and so I looked it up. It's from a rather lengthy, but excellent, essay. It is so true that the more we resist the scourge of PMO, the stronger all aspects of our lives become. Thanks for that!
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, thank you for that. Just what I needed this morning.
     
  15. True Change

    True Change Member

    Tuesday 12th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I have been thinking of joining a November nofap challenge. I kept myself busy today: I read a book, I edited my journal, I went for a walk in the evening . I didn't watch any TV today but I did watch around one hour on YouTube. I am confident I can get to the end of the week clean.

    I am intrigued by the idea that nofap increases creativity. I feel the same as many guys who join his movement - that we could achieve so much more if we weren't wasting our sexual energy . All that energy could go into creating and building amazing things in life. I guess the only way to find out is to abstain for along time.

    Wednesday 13th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    Today was a pretty much text book nofap day. I got up and did my meditation. Then I wrote a bit in my journal then I had breakfast. After that I took a cold shower and went to Brazilian jujitsu training. I was there all afternoon and came home around seven. I did some more journaling and reading this evening. I haven't watched any TV today, no videos and I haven't seen any images.

    I was reading a couple of stories success stories from reboots and they got me excited. I think it's an important habit to read success stories because it gives us hope. We have to have some faith that this will chance our lives and we need hope when we are struggling. Whenever I'm feeling down I read a success stories and feel more hopeful about the future.

    Thursday 14th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I took a big step today. I called up the helpline for Recovery which is a non profit that helps people suffering from substance addiction. I asked them about help for pornography addiction. The guy said my choices where either to seek private counselling or contact either sexaholics anonymous or sex and love addicts anonymous. I thanked them for their help and then looked on sexaholic website. They mention porn addiction on the homepage and there are some meet up groups that I could attend once a week. I don't know if I'm opening up a can of worms and I should just stick to doing what I'm doing, or if support and company will help. I guess I could try going a few times and see if I feel any benefit. I will look further in it and see what days they have a meet up and if I am able to travel there and the cost of travel.

    I had a pretty relaxed day today. I made lots of phone calls that were on my to do list. I had a two hour phone call with friend I haven't spoken to for three years. .

    I am grateful for the help that's out there for porn addicts both online in the forum and in person.
     
  16. True Change

    True Change Member

    Friday 15th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I took a full cold shower today. I warmed myself up by doing Hindu push ups, pistol squats, pullups and chinups first. Then I set it to the coldest setting and stood underneath it panting for one hundred and eight seconds. I felt awesome afterwards. Nothing bothers me after a cold shower. I'm cheerful with everybody I run into. I went for a ninety minute walk through the woods tonight. I've didn't have any desires to look at anything today.

    I am grateful for the facilities that I have close to where I live - the supermarket, the library, coffee shops and I can walk to all them.

    Saturday 16th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I went to the library in the morning to check my emails and do some online banking. I came back in the afternoon and had steak and eggs for lunch. I've been eating steak and eggs all week and I think it's been helping a lot with nofap. I read that not eating carbohydrates or processed foods helps balance brain chemistry. Maybe its the discipline of eating one meal a day and that discipline carries over to nofap I'm not sure.

    Today I tried cue exposure therapy. I typed one of my danger sites into the search bar and immediately closed the window, dropped down and did twenty push ups. I'm going to explore this more and try to practice it every day.

    I am grateful that so may people have written and created information to help guys overcome porn addiction. There is wealth of information out there.

    Sunday 17th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    Well I did, but it was part of my cue exposure therapy training. First I looked at an adult start's Twitter page. As soon as a video clip started to load, I closed the screen and called up my friend immediately and had a thirty minute chat with hi. Later, I looked at another star's twitter page and as soon I saw a video begin, I closed the page and did a deck of pain push up workout on the floor. I'm going to keep practicing this method over the next couple of weeks and see how it helps.

    Today it's been seven days since I masturbated to pornography. I'm going to do push ups as soon as I wake up to avoid fapping in the morning in bed - that is a danger time for me.

    I took a walk today and I did some reading.

    I'm grateful that I've got a fun week coming up.
     
    Old Tom Bombadil and Saville like this.
  17. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Wow TC what an amazing way to start the day! Did you build up to having a cold shower this long with a shorter time to begin with or did you just start with 108 minutes? As an old bloke (I'm almost 60) I worry I would have cardiac arrest or something! All best,
    Tom
     
  18. True Change

    True Change Member

    Oh Tom, I could talk for hours about cold showers.

    I started doing them back in 2016. I started by holding the shower head away from me and my placing my foot under the cold stream. Then I moved it around my shin, then my whole leg. then my privates. then my stomach etc.

    That is how I did them for years. I guess there were some benefits but it's only in past 7 months that I have felt the full benefits of cold water therapy.

    One day this past spring, I turned on the waterfall showerhead and stood underneath it. That's when I started to get the full benefit of cold showers. I walk out of the shower to get dressed feeling pumped. I step outside and I feel warm. I see other people wearing coats while I'm wearing much less so it has definitely increased my tolerance to cold. Last month I was still walking around outside in shorts and a t-shirt.

    The big benefit is as I said - I feel much more cheerful. I take a cold shower then walk to where I work and I greet everyone with enthusiasm. I have a spring in my step. It doesn't last all day for me, but at least a good two or three hours.

    I have been gradually increasing the time I count while I'm shivering in the shower. I am up to one hundred and forty seconds now. I've heard of people doing five or ten minutes so I might get more benefit if I stay in there longer.

    It was easier to take cold showers in the summer, but now we are in the fall here, the temperature has dropped and it's getting really hard to do them. I've started experimenting with doing a quick workout - some push ups and pull ups - to get my body warm before I run under the shower. it's the only way I can do them in the colder months. It will be really challenging this winter but I'm going to try.
     
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  19. True Change

    True Change Member

    Monday 18th October 2021
    I relapsed today. The cue exposure therapy backfired on me. I was intending to look at one page and quickly do a push up workout but I got stuck down rabbit hole and ended up relapsing. I think the cue exposure method has some merit but you need to be vigilant about turning off the page straight away. Don't linger at all - cue then different behavior instantly. The mistake I made was getting caught on different sites.

    One positive from the relapse was that I only watched one video. I read in BJ Fogg's book Tiny Habits that one way to overcome a bad habit is to reduce the amount or frequency. I used to binge for two hours and watch hundred of videos now I looked at one and do - that's progress. I know it should like I'm rationalizing to people who say you should quit cold turkey, but I'm about progress not perfection, and reduced consumption is progress.

    Immediately after relapsing I did the 'deck of pain' push up workout and took a freezing cold shower. I went to train Brazilian Jujitsu in the evening. That was good for me to get out, be away from from screens and be around the people and do exercise.

    Tuesday 19th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn toady.

    I did the 'Tyson's squat workout' today and then immediately took a cold shower afterwards. I feel great and warm afterwards. I went for a an hour walk through the fields today listening to a podcast. I listened to the 'Art Of Manliness' interview with the author of 'Dopamine Nation'. They talked a bit about porn addictions link here:

    https://www.artofmanliness.com/health-fitness/health/do-you-need-to-take-a-dopamine-fast/

    I picked up some great tips from the interview
    • Being totally honest and never lying will help the healing process from addiction
    • Engineering your environment to prevent access to the drug of choice. - people phone a hotel in advance and ask them to remove the TV or mini bar.
    • Doing brief painful things resets dopamine. I've bumped up my bodyweight workouts and colds showers the past couple of days to do this. I'm going to experiment more with intermitted fasting.
    • Knowing and expecting the first two weeks to be painful helps people get through it. Expect to feel worse before you feel better. Thirty days abstinence is the minimum.
    Wednesday 20th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did my meditation this morning. Then I had a steak for breakfast. I psyched myself up and had a freezing cold shower again. Then I went to jujitsu and mma training. After I came home I made some dinner an cleaned up a bit.

    I practiced the cue exposure therapy gain tonight. I was home alone so I cued up my weakness - the television late at night. I sat on the floor of a the living room and got a deck of cards ready. I watched a five second clip of a video that would usually cause me to slip, then I immediately turned it off, turned over a card and did that number of push ups. I started around five videos and did push ups after each one. I did fifteen cards from the deck and I my hear was going and my arm were about to fall off
    I feel stronger for having exposed myself to temptation and not acted out. Some people might say it's peeking, but I feel the key is to turn it off immediately. If you linger on the video or the image then it's peeking, but if you close the window within two seconds it's not. I'm going to continue practicing this.

    Thursday 21st October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I went out today for most of the day. I travelled to city one hour away. I visited the library and a couple of stores. I then had lunch with my parents. After I came home, I read, took a nap and then went for a walk. When I came back I practiced my handwriting and wrote in my journal. I didn't watch any TV television today and I didn't watch any YouTube videos either.

    I had some carvings last night. I have started the habit of doing push ups after I wake up and before I get out of bed to break the habit of rubbing the sheets and fapping.

    Friday 22nd October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did my morning routine then I had a big meal of steak and eggs. I edited my journal and had one of my sissy cold showers. Then I polished m shoes. Then I went to the library to do some research.

    After I got back I went for walk for an hour.

    I have requested the book Dopamine Nation from the library and I'm really looking forward to reading it. I'm already doing a lot of the stuff the author recommends. e.g., restricting access and seeking out uncomfortable experiences.
     
  20. True Change

    True Change Member

    Saturday 23rd October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I felt good today. This morning I took a full full cold shower shortly after getting up. I pushed myself to stay under the cold water longer - five minutes - a new record for me. I fasted all morning and didn't eat until two PM just to experience a bit more discomfort and reset my dopamine. I did my meditation this morning. I read a book for ninety minutes this afternoon. I took a walk in the evening and I had steak and eggs for dinner.

    I listened to the Anna Lempke interview for the third time today. I've requested the book from the library and I'm looking forward to reading it. I'm starting to implement a couple of the things she says in the interview - experiencing a bit of pain by staying in the cold shower longer and doing my bodyweight exercises to failure and intermittent fasting.

    I'm feeling excited and hopeful but I don't want to get too carried away. I've tried so many methodologies in the past - many of them have helped a little but not nothing has been the one magic cure. But I guess there isn't a silver bullet- just a collection of strategies that are greater than the sum of their parts.

    I didn't watch any TV or YouTube videos today.

    Sunday 24th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did twenty five minutes of meditation this morning. Then I wrote in my journal and did some drawing. I took a three minute cold shower. then I went for lunch with my parents. In the afternoon I read a book, napped and then cut my Dad's hair. I went for a walk in the evening listening to a podcast.

    It's been five days since I looked at porn and masturbated. Before that I did seven says. I think they key is to keep relapses as short as possible - it makes a difference. There is a big difference between a binge of several hours and relapsing to one ten minute video. I feel confident I can carry on. I didn't have any cravings today.

    I feel the longer cold showers are really helping. I do fifteen push ups in the morning before I get up while I'm lying in bed. It seems to have broken the habit of fapping in the morning s soon as I get up.

    I'm grateful for all the great books and podcast out there that feed my brain and make me smarter.

    Monday 25th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    My confidence is growing. I meditated for fifteen minutes this morning;. I fasted until eleven thirty. Then I did some work. I took a a full cold shower and was underneath the stream for three minutes. It was really hard but I'm proud of myself for doing it. Then I went to jujitsu and wrestling class. I came home, did some more work and now I'm going to bed.

    I had a couple of short flashbacks today but I had no desire to act on them. I feel I'm on a good run.

    Tuesday 26th October 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had a busy day of work all day - that kept my mind off sexual thoughts. I did my meditation this morning. I fasted till eleven thirty then had steak and eggs for lunch. I took one of my sissy cold showers - running the showerhead over my body.

    The conditions were favorable for a relapse last night - I had to stay up late to do work. I was feeling a bit of stress having to meet deadline and I was using a family member's smartphone to do a work task. But I didn't look at anything. I did my work and went to bed at one am.

    Wednesday 27th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I've had more involuntary stress over the past couple of days: I've had a heavy workload and haven't slept a much. I could have easily binged on porn to escape but I'm keeping it together.

    I worked all morning and missed doing my morning routine. Then I travelled to jujitsu class but the class was cancelled - I didn't know. I don't have s smartphone so I don't use Whatsapp. Oh well. I came home took a nap then I worked all evening.

    I'm feeling better - I feel stronger, more resilient to the stresses of the world and the annoyances of other people. More Zen. And I'm sleeping better too.

    Another successful day. The road to success is always under construction.

    Thursday 28th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    It's been ten days since I last looked at porn, masturbated and or ejaculated. I feel I'm gaining strength. I'm sleeping more restfully. I'm more resilient to stress. And my head is clearer. I didn't have any flashbacks or cravings today.

    I did some work this morning then I had steak and eggs for lunch. I went for a walk this evening listening to a podcast. I read a book this afternoon and took a nap. I haven't had a cold shower for a couple of days. It's so hard to make myself do them but when I do I feel great. I think that's great lesson for life. Work and cold showers are similar. I'm avoiding the work I have to do and I will do anything to get out of it. It's painful to start but once I get going it's feels okay and After I finish I feel great. It's exactly same process.

    I didn't watch any TV or YouTube videos today. I think it's been around seven days since I watched and TV or video online - no moving images at all. I think it's changing my brain.

    Friday 29th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did my morning routine today. I had steak and eggs for lunch. then I went to the library to do some online banking and emails. I helped my Dad connect his iPad. In the evening I went to an introductory class at a local boxing gym. I had a great class and I think I will train there three nights a week now. When I came home from boxing I took a full cold shower for three minutes. I journalled after that and I am now going to bed. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling strong and gaining strength. I think I'm on day eleven now.

    Saturday 30th October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I fasted today until one thirty PM to experience a little stress. I could feel myself getting irritated by little things by midday. But at least I was mindful of my emotions which is a step in the right direction. I had steak and eggs as my only meal today. I took walk in the evening listening to a podcast. I read my book in the afternoon. I did some journaling and some handwriting this evening. I feel I am doing well, I'm gaining strength every day. I didn't watch any television today but I did watch couple of YouTube videos. I feel like not looking at a TV screen for about two weeks is changing me. I like it. I did get some flashbacks last night while I was in bed. My sleep is on and off but I think that is just my brain rewiring. .

    I am grateful that have interest to pursue that keep me away from the television and away from pornography.

    Another successful day.

    Sunday 31st October 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I am on day twelve or thirteen since I last relapsed. Today I did a lot of cleaning. then I did some reading and went for a walk in the wind and rain in the evening.

    I had a bit of existential malaise today thinking about being forty and being single, kinda feeling bad about myself. But then I cheer myself up by telling myself I have lot to feel grateful for. When I feel bad about my life situation I tell myself that all I can do is beat this pornography and masturbation addiction and things will get better. They have to. It might not happen straight away but beating this addiction is the first step .

    I am grateful that I have more than enough reading and studying material available to me. It's amazing we live in and age now now where whatever you want to learn, guide is available either from the library, Amazon or on the internet.
     
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