True Change's Journey to The Land Where The Hand Is Banned

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by True Change, Jul 5, 2021.

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  1. True Change

    True Change Member

    Hey everyone,

    This is my journal page. It's time to quit porn or die tryin'.

    Why I'm here
    : I read in 'Wack' by Noah Church that you 'need to give to others during your reboot" so I'm here to encourage guys, share lessons from my experiences and help wherever I can.

    My story: I'm going to try and condense my story and keep it relevant.

    1. Innocent & Ignorant
    Many people think porn addicts suffered trauma or sexual abuse during childhood. That wasn't true for me. I grew up in the country, on farm, a bit sheltered but happy and safe. My parents are still together. My older sister is happily married with children. What happened with me was my natural curiosity met with easy access and lead me down the wrong path.

    It started in the late 1990's as a teenager with men's magazines such as Maxim. I also saw glimpses of nudity on late-night TV channels.

    Amazingly, I never touched myself and had my first sexual encounter at nineteen in college.

    2. Addicted & Ignorant 2002-2012
    Bored one night (age 21) in my room at college, I decided to see what this masturbation stuff was all about. I downloaded a full-length movies from a torrent site and jerked off for the first time. That was the start of the addiction.

    This habit escalated to the point where I was masturbating to porn 3-4 times per day. I was jerking myself to exhaustion, eating junk food and staying up late.

    Over the next few years I had some girlfriends, some hookups and 5 episodes of ED. In 2012, after trying to have sex on two different occasions with a lawyer I was dating, I had severe ED and realized something was wrong. So I turned to the internet and found the whole nofap/anti-porn movement.

    3. 2013-2019 Addicted & Aware
    Now I knew I had a problem and over the next few years I had one streak of 57 days, another of 46 days and multiple 20-30 day streaks. I got into online dating and hookups which dampened the addiction a bit but I now realize I was a heroin addict turning to opium.

    4. 2019 - 2021 Breaking through to the light
    Around 2 years ago I decided to stop trying to white knuckle my way out of this addiction using brute force. I educated myself - I read 'Your Brain on Porn' by Gary Wilson, 'Wack' by Noah Church, 'Man Interrupted' by Phillip Zimbardo, 'Digital Minimalism' by Cal Newport and a load of other books. I sold my smartphone and bought a Nokia. I went into full-on self-improvement mode: daily cold showers, meditation classes twice per week, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu 3 times per week, Morning Pages every morning, bodyweight exercises every day, 2-hour daily walks in nature, listening to audio books, etc.

    Since January 2021 I've found it easier to to string together 20-25 day streaks. I feel I'm crawling my way to freedom. I'm not totally free yet but I'm not the serious addict I used to be.

    That's where I am today.

    My aims: I want to keep up my journal to be accountable. I don't want to fight this alone any more. There's no need to when there are so many guys struggling with the same problem.
     
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  2. Sebs

    Sebs Member

    Hey
    Hey, thanks for shering, in geting started now...so a big way to walk...i hope have friends to help me with this adiction
     
  3. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hi True Change, Welcome - I liked your post. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. All best, Tom
     
  4. True Change

    True Change Member

    Thanks Tom. I'm on the path but this addiction still won't die.

    Keep fighting.
    True Change
     
    Sebs likes this.
  5. True Change

    True Change Member

    Monday 5th July 2021
    I didn't look at any porn today. I was alone in the living room and I considered looking at the late night channels but I just went to bed instead. I'm proud that I said 'no' to that little temptation.
    I'm still in a flatline, no morning wood at all.

    Tomorrow will be a good day.

    My Counter:
    Total days clean since February 15: 160 days

    Tuesday 6th July 2021
    I didn't look at porn today. There were two moments of temptation:
    1. While I was working in the afternoon I had a few flashbacks of exes and indulged in some fantasises for a a couple of minutes. I didn't take it any further - I just brought my mid back to the task.
    2. In the evening I was alone in the living room. I briefly considered looking at the adult channels but I decided not to and went to bed.

    I'm grateful for my dog and that my parents are coming back from vacation and I will see them again tomorrow. I am grateful that I get to go to bed now and I don't have to stay up all night working.

    My Counter:
    Total days clean since February 15: 161 days.

    Wednesday 7th July 2021
    I didn't look at porn today, but I rubbed the sheets to an 'O' before I got out of bed. While I didn't look at porn I still count it as a relapse.
    Apart from that I didn't shave any cravings and I didn't think about porn all day. My trigger was laying in bed for a long time in the morning..

    Good thing I don't have a smart phone to look at anything when a wake up.

    I'm grateful for my local library and all the great books I can get there for free. I requested the new Quentin Tarantino novel , adapted from the screenplay of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

    Thursday 8th July 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    While I was working my mind was wandering and fantasizing but I didn't act on the thoughts. This has happened a couple of times this week. I think it's the mind rebelling from having to focus on one task and it's looking for relief and a distraction.
    I had random boner in the afternoon so that's s sign things are improving.. I am grateful for the weather we're having here. It's warm and I can go for walk outside to get some sunshine and enjoy nature.

    My Counter
    Total days clean since February 15: 162.
     
    Sebs likes this.
  6. Sebs

    Sebs Member

    Good for you!!! Think that its a proube that we an heall from rhis fkn PMO...so i jope stay with you brother
     
  7. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Hi @True Change do you live alone or in the same house as your parents?

    It sounds like these late night TV channels are a trigger for you.
     
  8. True Change

    True Change Member

    Yes with my folks right now.

    Thanks for spotting that - you're right. Maybe I need to go upstairs and read after 8pm. Or go to bed early.
     
  9. True Change

    True Change Member

    Friday 9th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I kept myself busy all day working and then drawing and writing ln the evening. I haven't thought about porn or sex all day.
    I don't know what day I'm on because I'm not counting any more.

    Tomorrow I will train in jiu jitsu and then watch a movie in the evening.

    I am grateful that I have the freedom I have. I can go for a walk whenever I want, work whenever I want and go to the gym whenever I want. I am grateful that I'm healthy and all my family are too.

    My Counter
    Total days clean since February 15: 163.

    Saturday 10th July 2021

    I didn't' t look at porn today. I had a couple of flashbacks but that's it.

    I kept myself busy - I went to bjj class, read for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I went for a walk in the evening.

    My skin is looking better. I don't know if that's due to nofap or because I'm eating well.

    I 'm grateful for the food that I have access to. I go to the local butcher and I have a supermarket a five minute walk away. I always have access to healthy food at low cost.

    My Counter:
    Total days clean since February 15: 164.

    Sunday 11th July 2021

    I slipped up tonight. I stayed up alone to watch sports. I was intending to go straight to bed afterwards. But I had a quick peek at the adult channels and it was a slippery slope from there. I looked at YouTube videos and then social media and then pornography.

    The difficult thing these days is that you can access provocative images on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook.
    I'm making excuses now.

    I've realised that staying up late in the living room is a trigger.

    I remember reading an interview Gary Wilson did with Todd Becker where they talked about 'cue exposure therapy'. They said you can't live your life avoiding g triggers;. A better approach is to expose yourself to triggers and learn to behave differently in response. Maybe I'll try that.

    Monday 12th July 2021

    I looked at porn this morning after relapsing last night.

    Then I made it through the rest of the day without looking at anything. I don't even enjoy it anymore. I don't get excited thinking about it like I used to. I guess that's good thing because is shows I'm over it.

    I am grateful that I can work from home don't have to commute.

    Onward and upward.

    Tuesday 13th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I didn't watch any tv. I spent the whole afternoon offline doing work. I am back on a another streak now.

    I am grateful for the facilities I have access to - the library, the community centre where I work, the bjj gym.

    I've noticed I don't get any improvements in my boners until I get to at least day 20.
    My goal now is to be clean for the rest of July.

    My Counter:
    Total days clean since February 15 : 165.
     
    Saville likes this.
  10. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a good approach. Since triggers are biologically hardwired, they're not going away any time soon. We need to focus on changing our response to them.
     
  11. True Change

    True Change Member

    Wednesday 14th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today. I kept myself super busy. I did some work in the morning finishing a project. Then I trained in jiu jitsu all afternoon. That tired me out, but I feel good.

    I haven't had any flashbacks today.

    I am grateful for the clients I have that send me work. I am grateful for the sunny weather we have had today - it's been one of the hottest days o f the year.

    Thursday 15th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today. I have had no flashbacks and no desire to look at anything.

    I am still in a flatline and don't have any morning wood.

    I am grateful for the freedom I have in my schedule to work when I want and do what I want. I am on track for my goal of making it until the end of the month at least.

    Friday 16th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I didn't think about it. I had no cravings no flashbacks.

    I'm on day five or six of my streak but I'm not counting. I feel good. I've been walking barefoot, getting a lot of sun. I've been productive with my work. I have vacation coming up in a couple of weeks.

    I am grateful that I get the chance to save some money and build up my savings. I am grateful for the great weather we are having. I'm grateful that I have lots of great nature close by where I can walk barefoot in the woods and clean my feet in the river.

    Saturday 17th July 2021

    I didn't look at any porn today.

    I had no flashbacks and no cravings. I kept myself busy -- I went to jiu jitsu training this morning. This afternoon I read then went for a long walk while listening to an audio book.

    I still have no libido and no morning wood so I'm in a flatline for sure. It's easier to get a streak going when I have no boners and no desire. The real test will come when my libido bounces back.

    I'm grateful for the freedom I have in my life to arrange my time as I wish.

    Sunday l8th July 2021

    I peeked at some girls on tv today but I turned in less than 10 seconds.

    Last night I woke up in the the middle of the night. I had a boner and I humped the sheets. I was almost half asleep.

    I feel pretty good and I'm confident I can stay clean the rest of this this week.

    I am going away on the 28th for 4 days and I won't take my laptop with me. I'll have no internet access so I'm confident I can stay clean those days.

    Tonight I sat in the river with my legs dangling in the stream, looking at the water reflecting off the rocks and the sun breaking through the trees. It was nice moment.

    Monday 19th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I watched a movie in the morning then I went to the library in the afternoon.

    I practiced my handwriting and I did an hour of meditation.

    I am grateful that I don't have to work a soul-sucking job tomorrow.

    Tuesday 20th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I kept myself buy with work all day and then I did some handwriting practice and went for walk in the evening.

    Sometimes I get tired of being busy and having a full schedule. But then I tell myself that being busy is what keeps me away from porn.
    I am grateful that I have got things to keep me busy during the day.

    Mini goal 1 is to get to the end of the week.
    Mini goal 2 is to get to next Wednesday. I go away then and will have no internet access so I know I'll be clean for those four days.

    Wednesday 21st July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today. I didn't give myself a chance -- I did some work this morning. Then I trained in BJJ and MMA all afternoon. When I got home I did some reading and sat outside in the garden.

    I had no desire to look at porn today. I have spent most of the day outside and I haven't watched any tv at all today. In fact, I barely looked a at a screen all day .

    I am grateful that I live in small town where I can walk to most of the things I need to do.

    Thursday 22 July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I think I am on day ten or nine of my streak. I've been doing client wok all day then I have been reading tonight.

    For some reason I've been exhausted I had a lie down on the floor at 6 pm and fell asleep for twenty minutes. Since finishing the client job at 4 pm I've been barley able to move. I don't know if it's because of the heat or because I got my covid jab on Tuesday.

    I am grateful that I am free tomorrow and can go for a walk and do some reading. I am looking forward to being clean until the end of the month.
     
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  12. True Change

    True Change Member

    Friday 23rd July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today. I had no desire to look at anything.

    I got right down to work in the morning. I bought some meat and ate lunch outside in the garden.

    In the afternoon I did some research for a client job. Then I took a walk in the evening and sat by the river listening to the water and losing track of time. I think hearing water flow and being in nature has a healing effect on the brain.

    Tonight I did some reading. I hit my goal of being clean for the whole week. Now my aim is to make it to Wednesday because I'll go on vacation and will be disconnected the whole time. I slept better last night night too so I think I'm progressing in my reboot.

    I am grateful for all the great teachers in my life who are helping me to get better all the time.

    Saturday 24th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I worked all day then I had dinner with my parents.

    I am grateful for the fact that I have finished a hard week of work and I m going to have a week off now.

    Sunday 25th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I studied in the morning then I had lunch. In the afternoon I took my dog for a walk and swam in the river with him.

    I came back, cleaned the house, did some reading and took a nap. The only TV I watched was about thirty minutes of the Olympic Judo finals.

    Monday 26th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I think it's around fourteen days since I looked at porn.

    I was on my walk this afternoon and I felt really good - noticeably happy and hopeful. I don't think it's all down to my streak - I'm also spending lots of time in nature, eating well, avoiding TV, doing bodyweight workouts and lots of other things. I had a noticeable spring my step.

    I am grateful that I can disconnect for a few days and go away.
     
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  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey there TC, I really like what you're doing here. The daily journaling is a great idea! Keep going, you're doing great, man.
     
  14. True Change

    True Change Member

    Thanks Mozenjo.

    Sometimes it feels like extra work, but I tell myself it's okay to write a short entry for the day.

    Daily journaling is not a magic pill but it does seem to have positive effects.
     
  15. True Change

    True Change Member

    Tuesday 27th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today. I have been tempted a few times but I haven't looked at anything in around two weeks.

    Today I read for a couple of hours in the afternoon and I took a walk through the countryside. I woke up without an alarm clock at six am this morning. I find that when I am rebooting I start to need less sleep.

    I am grateful for the chance I get to go away and disconnect for a few days and swim and read.

    Wednesday 28th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today. I haven't had the ability to. I am on a break now away from the internet and screens.

    I sometimes get angry when I think of all the lost years to porn. But I know that type of thinking is pointless - it's futile to look back and think 'what if'? The only thing we can change is the future.

    Even though my external circumstances haven't changed that much, I know that I am making progress in private with all the work I've done on myself. I am hopeful for the future and hat is the most important thing.

    Thursday 29th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    Being disconnected helps so much. I spent most of the day walking, reading and spending time with family.

    I am on something like day sixteen or so without looking at porn. I haven't had any cravings. What's hard is not seeing any immediate, tangible changes in your life. I think if we saw life changes after just fourteen days or so we would all find it a lot easier to stay on our streaks. But it's hard to have faith, be patient to wait out the 60-90 days that are needed to see results.

    I am grateful that I am on vacation and I am disconnected and I can get lots of reading done.

    Friday 30th July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had a couple of thoughts but didn't act on them. This break has been good for me because I have no access to anything - no internet at all.
    I am still in a flatline. I have no libido at all.

    I am grateful that I have this opportunity to be away and see my family. They won't be around for ever.

    Saturday 31st July 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    Tonight I had some cravings but without any internet, tablet, laptop or smartphone so I can't look at anything.

    I think I am on day nineteen or twenty without looking at porn. I'm still in a flatline and can't feel anything. I'm still waking up without boners.

    I still have doubts that I can live the rest of my life without porn. I feel like I am in this 'no-mans' land now. I don't get any pleasure from looking at porn anymore, but I'm not free of it either.

    Does anyone else feel this way? Like you're still hooked but it doesn't give you the same thrill that it used to? So now you're really starved for dopamine. You're regular life is not giving you dopamine hits but the old addiction isn't either, so you're between a rock and hard place.

    Anyway, I'm grateful that I've had this chance to take a break form the internet and tv. I've done a lot of reading, handwriting practice and walking.

    Sunday 1st August 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did rub the sheets to an 'O' this morning when I woke up. It's weakness for me. The only thing I can think to do is to get up out of bed sooner.

    It's the end of my vacation now. I enjoyed being offline for five days. I want to keep up the momentum this week and make it a clean week too.

    I am grateful for the family I have. Obviously all families have their stuff. There are things about my parents and my sister I don't like but they are the only people who are always going to be there. I guess that's life.
     
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    "The Land where the Hand is Banned". That's classic :D
    Being offline for 5 days was probably a cleansing experience. It's hard to remember a time when everyone was unplugged.
    Have a great week!
     
  17. True Change

    True Change Member

    Monday 2nd August 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I kept myself busy with work all day then I did a meditation session this evening. My aim is to get to the end of the week without looking at anything.

    Each evening I am doing some drawing, practicing handwriting and reading to stay away from tv.

    I am grateful that I will get paid in a week and will be able to save half of that.

    Tuesday 3rd August 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I worked don a client job all day. I came home at five, had some dinner then went for an hour walk. I practiced my handwriting in the evening.

    I am confident I can get to the end of the week. I am feeling good - clear headed and energetic. I didn't watch any tv today and I only used the internet for work.

    I am grateful that I have access to healthy food here.

    Wednesday 4th August 2021

    I didn't look at porn today. In considered it but when I got home from Jujitsu at seven I was so wiped and hungry.

    I am on something like day twenty three so I'm on a good streak.

    I am reading Maximum Willpower by Kelly McGonigal. I'll try some of the suggestions and exercises in the book, using nofap to test the theories.

    I am grateful that I've lots of work coming. I had have done two client jobs this week and i have another on due for Friday. It's keeping me busy.

    Thursday 4th August 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I didn't watch TV today but I watched a bunch of YouTube videos. It's been a fairly busy week and I'm looking forward to disconnecting for a couple of days over the weekend. Sometimes I feel that I'm trying to do too many things, but I remind myself that the goal is to be busy so I don't have time to look at porn.

    Friday 6th August 2021

    I slipped up today.

    I know what the trigger was. I had a client job due at 3 pm and I was struggling with it. At around 11:30 I told myself, " I'll just see what's on Instagram". It escalated from there.

    Other possible causes: I usually have cold shower, shave and get dressed for the day around 8:30 or so. But today I started working as soon as I got up away. I was still in my sweatpants and t-shirt at 11:30 thirty when I relapsed. Maybe that little slip in discipline led to the relapse. Just looking for clues and variables.

    I was just going through the motions. I don't get the same rush I used to get years ago. I guess that's progress if my tastes are changing and I'm not as turned on by it as I used to be.

    I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm gaming for another thirty days.

    I am grateful that I have the weekend off and I can train, go for walks and read.

    Saturday 7th August 2021

    I messed up. I binged today and edged for something like six hours.

    I think it was in part a 'chaser effect' from relapsing yesterday. Porn is like Pandora's Box: once you open the door and let the evils out with a single relapse, it's hard to close it again.

    I was doing well, on a twenty five day streak and now I had a six or seven hour binge. Not only did stumble, I fell off a cliff. That is hard to take. But I'm trying not to beat myself up and just get right back on the horse.

    Sunday 8th August 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    My balls ached all day after edging for so long yesterday and I had a headache from not sleeping enough. But I got back on track: I cleaned the house. I ate well. I trimmed my fingers nails and my toe nails. I shaved. I did some laundry.

    At the end of the week I will be alone for a couple of days so I need to be vigilant.

    I am grateful that I have had lots of work this past week even though it has increased my stress levels.

    Monday 9th August 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    Today was a good day: I slept well last night, I had a cold shower this morning, I worked on a client job from ten till three. After, I walked home and cooked streak and eggs for dinner. Then I went for a walk through the woods listening to The Brain That Changes Itself by Dr. Norman Doidge.

    When I came home I spoke to a friend on the phone then read a bit of a novel. Then I practiced my handwriting and now I'm typing this and about to go to bed.

    I still feel a bit defeated by what happened on the weekend but I'm back on course now and looking forward to having a clean week .

    I am grateful that I can have the afternoon off tomorrow. I will do some dreading, some cooking and go for walk again.
     
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  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    One of the best journal titles of all time by the way. :D
     
  19. True Change

    True Change Member

    Tuesday 10th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did some work this morning then I had some online task to do this afternoon: upload my journal entries, booking train tickets, emails, etc.
    When I came home I read a novel for a couple of hours. then I made some homemade burgers.

    I have been really tired these past few days. We underestimate how much porn and fapping take out of us. We only realize this when we give it up and we have all this extra energy.

    I am grateful that I have the afternoon free tomorrow to go and train in jiujitsu.

    Wednesday 11th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had a good day today. I had a cold shower this morning. I trained in jiujitsu all afternoon. When I came home I had some lamb's liver and a snowball melon for dessert. Then I did some drawing and practiced my handwriting.

    I had no desire at all today to look at porn. I didn't even think about it.

    Thursday 12th August 2021
    I relapsed tonight.

    I was stressed by the client job I was doing and I was alone in the house.

    Hindsight is perfect, but I was going to head out for a walk at around 4pm because it was sunny. But I hesitated, didn't go and ended up relapsing an hour or so later. If I had headed out of the door for a walk I would have avoided relapsing. Who knows...

    Friday 13th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I was up late watching TV and I flicked over to the babe channels but I turned it off. It bored me. I had no desire to look at it.

    It 's easy to abstain when you have no libido. But I don't want to be a guy with permanently low libido.

    I had a pretty good day today: I finished a client job. I did my laundry, ironed it, and folded it. I took my parents dog for a walk. I read my novel. I practiced my handwriting.

    I am grateful for the friend who I'm going to visit next weekend. it's easy to feel lonely but we need to be grateful for the friends we do have, even if it's one.

    Saturday 14th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    Today I did some reading and I took my parent's do go for a walk thought the woods. I haven't been online all day today. Sometimes I feel like I read too many books but at least it keeps me offline and away from screens.

    I am grateful that I am going out for lunch tomorrow with my parents so I don't need to cook.

    Sunday 15th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had good day today. I cleaned the house this morning, then I had a cold shower and cut my hair. I went out for lunch with my parents and their dog.

    When we came back I took a nap and read my novel. In the evening I practiced my handwriting then I played Scrabble with my parents.

    I didn't watch any TV today and I've been offline all day.

    I was thinking today about superpowers. I haven't felt them for a while and I think it's because I'm not getting beyond twenty five days.

    I am grateful that I can take it easy over the weekend and recover. I've had a head cold the past few days and I'm sleeping a lot and taking it easy to fight it off.

    Monday 16th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I've had a head cold the past three days so it's hard to have any carvings when you feel rotten.

    I have now gone two days without watching tv. I'm removing it almost entirely from my life besides a few films and sport.

    I am grateful that I can take it easy this week and nap in the afternoons to try and feel better.

    Tuesday 17th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I was thinking earlier how standards go up once you start to get a hold of this addiction. When I was really addicted I would have celebrated a single day of being porn-free. But these days I can easily do 10-14 days clean, so I don't feel grateful for making it through one da. My standards have risen - now I need to do thirty or fifty days to feel like I've accomplished anything. But I heard once that even one day sober is cause for celebration. I should feel good that I had another nofap day.

    I'm on day five of my streak . Two more days and I will visit my friend.
     
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  20. True Change

    True Change Member

    Wednesday 18th August 2021
    I didn't look t porn today.

    I went for a walk this morning. Then I went to the library to print off some things and upload my journal. This evening I practiced my handwriting.

    I didn't have any cravings today. I watched about ten minutes of TV all day.

    I am grateful for all the writers and teachers who have shared their ideas and findings though books and videos. It's because these writers shared their wisdom that I have been able to make changes to my life.

    Thursday 19th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I had a wet dream last night. it's the first one I've had in months. I remember reading that t it doesn't count as a relapse and I understand now. I didn't feel bad about it.it hasn't affected my energy and mood like a conscious relapse does. I lm still on my streak and I still feel good. I think I am on day seven now. I won't relapse over the weekend because I'm visiting friend so I will make it to ten days for sure. After that my target is thirty.

    I had an idea today while listening to The Brain That Changes Itself by Dr. Norman Doidge: overcoming this addiction can inoculate me against hard times in the future. Life give us all pain: losing loved ones, getting divorced or dumped, job loss etc. If I get through this I can always say, "Well nothing can be as painful as overcoming porn addiction." I've reframed it as a character-building boot camp.

    I am grateful that I get to visit my friend tomorrow and do lots of fun stuff like go out to eat and go to the cinema.

    Friday 20th August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I travelled to see my friend today. It was good to visit a new city. We had dinner and watched a movie. I had a couple of flashbacks during the day but I quickly changed my thoughts.

    The big challenge for me is not giving up porn but giving up lust. Looking for love and companionship rather than fuck buddies and one night stands. It's lot harder than giving up porn because I have to change what type of life I want in the future, and how I view women and relationships. If I can change that then I think porn addiction will go away by itself.

    Saturday 21st August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today. I did rub the sheets to an 'o' this morning. Lying in bed in the morning with morning wood is a dangerous time for me. I need to get out of bed immediately . But at least I didn't masturbate to porn.

    Sunday 22nd August 2021
    I didn't look at porn today.

    I did rub the sheets to an 'o' this morning after I woke up. I'm disappointed because I want to practice semen retention, but at least I didn't do it looking at porn. 'Progress not perfection' is my mantra.

    I visited my friend this weekend and I wanted to tell him about my pornography addiction. I read that telling other people aids healing and that addiction thrives in secrecy. All weekend I was waiting for these right time to talk to him about it. On Sunday afternoon we were walking talking about the opening scene in The American Pie movie where the guy is trying to watch porn on his bedroom TV. I saw that was a good chance bring up porn addiction. Here's how it went:

    Friend: You know that female porn stars get paid a lot more than the men?
    Me: Why's that?
    Friend: Because guys watch porn to see the women. The guy just needs to get hard , do his thing and be in the background.
    Me: That's interesting... Do you watch any pornography?
    Friend: Occasionally... Not so much any more.
    (The fact that he didn't give an emphatic 'no' makes me think he does look at it once in a while. But I believe him because he's a pretty wholesome guy: teacher, married ten years, two children)
    Me: Yeah, you're married now. I feel I've watched too much and I think it's unhealthy
    Friend: It can become and addiction. Also, it changes the way you look at women.
    Me: Yeah it makes you objectify women
    Friend: You know the serial killer Ted Bundy? He was obsessed with porn and so he didn't see the women as humans begins. He just saw them objects so he had no problem killing them.
    Me: Oh, I never knew that. It's so easy to access now - In the past you had to go to a store, be embarrassed and buy a magazine Now you can access it on your device from your bedroom, for free.
    Friend: Yeah, think about what percentage of the internet is pornography.
    The conversation lulled at this point. I wanted to talk more about my problem but we both fell silent then the conversation moved on to a different topic.

    I feel good that I faced the fear of talking about it with a friend. We chatted about it casually and it wasn't awkward at all. But I didn't get a chance to get stuff off my chest about my pornography addiction.

    Monday 23 August 2021

    I didn't look at porn today.

    I didn't think about it all day. I went for a walk tonight. I didn't watch any TV all day.

    I am grateful that I can get any book I want and learn skill I want to and expose my self to all sorts of unique ideas.
     
    Saville and Old Tom Bombadil like this.

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