Trans porn addiction may just destroyed my life.

I don't know how to start, I'm filled with guilt, regret and disgust.

Its long post so bare with me and English is not my native tounge so please forgive me for misspellings and bad grammar.



My porn addiction started back when I was 10 yrs old and I'm now 24, I was watching the normal stuff and it kept on evolving into trans/shemale porn I reached point where if I hold myself from fapping and watching porn for quite a while all it takes me to ejaculated is watching a small clip of trans porn video or a picture containing a transex person naked and thats it my mind start going crazy it my boner goes from 1-100 and cum in less than a minute without even the need of touching myself at all.

My fantasies where a massage parlor happy ending themed based where u know it start with regular massage and one thing leads to another. Anyways years back I used to search and chat with ladyboys close in my area who work in massage business which just kept on feeding my fantasies and making my mind go crazy, but whenever I tell them that id come for a visit I stop myself always and come to realisation that this is only something I crave because of my porn addiction and never visiting them after but id did go couple of times to visit biological women in massage parlor and Id cum only by getting massaged by them and sometimes and sometime I have a quick fuck but then finish fast and could get it up for 2nd shot. It all depended on how horny I was during the visit.


Anyhow today is when I made a mistake soul crushing mistake, I was finishing my work and I already had a privte acc where I added women plus transwomen where 90% were sex workers, so I could chat and feed my weird fantasy by talking to them and look at their picture as well as sending the picture of my junk, all of these stuff was fetish and whenever I get off the phone I feel weirded out by what I was doing, I came close before to whenever I book an appointment with a trans lady I stop after realising that I dont actually want to be in bed with them and start regretting that I even had thought about visiting a transwomen for sex and knew if I ever did it would put me in a mental dillema and make me feel so bad about myself.

But today my missed up addiction got to me real good, I downloaded an app where it was Tinder like hooking up app for gay and bi people which means no ladies. I download the app only to feed my mentioned fetish which was the thrill of visiting a transwomen but had no intention into actually visiting. I started chatting until I finish work and was driving home and the chat keept going on. After I reached home she told me the she was available for me but this time I was so horny I couldn't stop myself from going like always I just couldn't stop and she lived really close from like a 20 minute drive and I just started my car and left. I missed up my brain so bad that even by chatting to her on my way made me precum while driving and texting that how bad it was. I reached my destination thinking I always knew this was a bad idea but let me get this over with and know for sure and I was right I didnt wanted to be a part of happened today not even one bit. I knocked she opended the door, i greeted her and went to her room togother she started undressing me and got undressed herself I paid her the money for the service I laid back and she started BJing me I stopped and told her to make out with me for now because of how fast I'd cum if i get any type of sensation on my penis, we started making out she asked if she could lick my ass and hasitated a bit but eventually agreed she started and I was feeling weird and not enjoying which was the opposite of what I would of thought during watching porn. I told her its time we fucked and we did, after finishing i was having this weird feeling like im not supposed to be here, She told me to arouse me back by making out for the 2nd shot I refused and told her I came back from work and was tired and had to leave so I left. After getting home I went to have a shower and it just hit me, WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DID, I was so disgusted by myself that I wanted to puke only reason I didnt because I had an empty stomach, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I'm thinking to myself that I knew it was a bad idea a really bad idea why i didnt stop myself like always WHY? IT been hours now since what happened and the guilt is killing me, i deleted my accounts from the chatting as well as the dating apps and deleted the app altogether. I knew I didnt want anything to do with transwomen because whenever I start the no-fapping for a while, during and after the flatline I really stop thinking about anything related to transex and appreciate women more and more and see them as something beyond than being a sex object. Im sure my fetishes messed-up my brain really and its carved in my brain forever because of how long I been watching it.


I dont know what to expect from writing this post really . Im thinking about mental therapy because I for sure wont tell anyone I know about what happened I'd rather take it to the grave than do that.

Sorry for the long post.

 

sorry bro. Forgive yourself.

 

Pretty similar to how many people feel after a normal relapse.

Take care, mate. You don't want to go through this again, because the first time usually opens the gates of hell and it becomes harder to not repeat it. Cut this shit off your life, seriously, never look back.

I know this won't help, but I am really sorry that happened mate.

 

First off it's nothing to be ashamed of. I've done things that I would've never done if I hadn't been addicted to PMO. When we have poor life skills coupled with internet porn it's a disaster waiting to happen. As @GokuSSB_XMAXX said, "cut this shit out of your life and never look back." You have a great life ahead and this episode will fade into the background in no time. Peace.

 

i know from personal experience that pmo blurs the lines. opens doors you can never close. be very careful because these actions are now part of that addiction. some of the things I have done in the past are disgusting and I would not have done them if PMO was not involved. Now like any addiction, they sit in the background of my mind like an idling car waiting for me to jump in and drive off.
I can tell you with success that I have totally be able to cut off pursuing sex workers or anons. Never again. It doesn't mean I know I still can, it just means I love myself too much to feel like shit ever again. I know exactly how you feel.

 

I may be in the minority but I see nothing wrong with what you did. The goal is to beat porn and having sex with a real person is alright even if the person was transsexual. I visited dommes to explore my sexuality and to be honest I don't see how that's unhealthy.

Having not working dick because of the porn is bad, having sexuality that isn't 100% vanilla isn't bad IMO. Just my 2 cents.

 

@M.alblooshy Mate, don't listen to this "advice". You haven't gone completely blind like many P addicts. You still have good emotions like guilt and you could still realize it when you do something wrong and you also try to fix your mistakes. Those emotions die with time as you keep repeating those "mistakes" over and over then you don't feel anything anymore. You can no longer see the line between right and wrong. When you reach that stage of total blindness, you become an animal, animals are better imo because they are still using their instincts.

 

Since you attacked the sincere advice that I've given to the OP, I have a question to you. Do you believe that everyone who's sexuality isn't vanilla is "an animal"? That once you move from vanilla missionary sex to the more spicy one, you lose your humanity and become an animal?

 

One thing that I'd like to follow up on that I forgot about is that based on my (limited because that's not my cup of tea) knowledge about trans sex workers etc. you REALLY want to protect yourself against STDs, especially HIV.

 

Hey man why don't you try SA or any similar type of organisation fro help?

 

Actually I have the same "biography" as you man. What is interesting that it isn't so special to escalate like this, because when in it it feels like you're the only one the world being f*cked up like that.
Got into trans porn when I was around 18 years, but was already watching a lot of porn since I was about 10 I would say.
After a couple of years and a rough breakup I actually visited a trans woman. It was soul crushing for me, I only did it at that time to numb my depression and it worked for the act, but I felt even worse afterwards.
So later I downloaded that app and relapsed when I was partculary down or drunk, most of a time due to a break up to punish myself even more.
Obviously it's not fair to the trans woman to use them as emotional relief or fetish, they're humans with feelings.
So I have developed a sex addiction on top of my porn addiction.
For me the sex addiction is actually worse, because it can actually hurt the people I love or get me STD. (it also expands to women)
In this forum some incel will tell you having anonymous sex or going to hookers is recommended, but it is very likely to be problematic for porn addicts especially in the long run!
Having a monogamous loving relationship is what is recommended to addicts.
Also I'm generally addicted to all sorts of dating apps, but managed to not install them in 2 and a half years, because I stopped using a private smartphone and use my phone from work for communication.
My company can see what apps I install so I'm not doing it. Also I'm part of a SLAA email group, I never had the courage to actually meet with a group, but I find most of the principles useful.

 

I think porn addiction does lead to a general sex addiction or vice versa. Either way effectively dealing with sexual urges and emotions in general is the problem. Obviously everyone knows about progression to fetishes, but I do know that rebooting and staying away does reset the brain away from fetishes. Of course, if you relapse all the fetishes can come back. But the desire for regular women will be strongest. It's like the alcoholic who used to always drink beer and then switched to whiskey as his addiction grew worse. Then whenever he has a beer, before long, he's back to whiskey. Unless he keeps it in check. Likewise many say they are non-smokers, unless they drink alcohol. Then they have a cigarette. The addiction feeds the fetish or the co-occurring addiction. The downside to porn or sex addiction is that sex is a natural part of life, whereas alcohol and cigarettes are not. So they are easier to give up. Just stay away from the bad thing. But one cannot stay away from sexual desire. The goal, I think, is to keep understanding your feelings and desires, but know they will go away. And to eventually make them go away. Controlling your emotions used to be taught to all men. But it has not been in the past few generations. Now we have to teach ourselves.

 

I agree. Imo dealing with emotions is the most important part. It isn't even that much about the sexual tension, it is mostly about escapism.
Trying to feel better or alive or anything at all. The thing with sex addiction it comes from the same corner, but is even worse.
You do stuff in the real life, it isn't just you in front of the screen. There's a much higher potential for harm for you and others.
Addicts will lie to loved ones and the person they want to have sex with. Chances are you get STD and that you spend money on it.
Most partners are OK with the SO watching porn, but for good reason will not accept a cheater.
Also will stand in the way of you getting a real relationship if you don't have one, because the thoughts will evolve around acting out.
Perhaps you even fall in love with someone, but your sexuality is centered around the addiction and you will not make the loved one happy, because sex with them is not what you're craving.
Had that one too when I was still actively in the addiction and was the main reason for me to quit.

 

same situation happened with me basically accept cocaine as well and more than one instance. Whenever I come to I’m devistated it’s a disgusting addiction.

 

well yeah went to one then being 1-2 months disgusted with myself, then the desire for it grew stronger and stronger again and it happened again.
Glad that is over.

 

نفس المعاناة للأسف.
لدرجة اني قبل فترة بديت اقتنع اني شاذ.
بس الحمد لله بديت ارجع ف الطريق الصحمع بعض الانتكاسات.

 

My porn habit escalated to seeing gay and BDSM escorts. This does not fit with my values or belief about my fundamental sexual orientation. So cutting out all porn (straight, transexual or gay) is the only
way to get back to a healthy life. In my case I have to stop both a porn addiction and a sexual addiction. I too feel shame and guilt. But I now have strong blockers on all my devises. And I am already feeling
less bad.

 

Taking it into real life is even more shameful, I know from experience.
I did a 90 day reboot in 2014 and haven't paid for sex since.
I set that goal up for me to "never pay for sex" again.
All the best for you.
Sex addiction is in my opinion harder to beat, because the adrenaline rush is so strong, however porn is available in your pocket at all times.

 

I agree about sex addiction. My problem is that I both have severe bipolar disorder (associated with hyper-sexuality) and have to take a dopamine agonist for a health issue (which can cause sexual addiction). I am not using this as an excuse. It is just that it makes it all more difficult to beat. But I have now blocked all porn sites on all my devices, and am already feeling more in control. The problem is that porn can lead to seeking actual sex, and my hope is that in cutting out porn I can break this escalation into sex addiction,

 

that's true since you already have sex addiction as well it can move from porn to sex. For me that happened as well.
Now that I'm married it moved back to porn again from sex.
What helps me is a good social network, spend as much time as possible with friends, perhaps have a relationship if that is possible.
Do sports, eat healthy, try a new hobby such as learning guitar, learn a new language with others etc. etc.