Tracking

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by SmithSmithy, Jul 17, 2021.

  1. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Hey everyone. I'm a 22yr old male, started watching porn around 14 or so. I had a semi-religious upbringing, and was exposed to dangers of porn with respect to ED early on, perhaps around 16. I didn't seriously try to stop until around 20, around the summer after quarantine began. I had about half a year/a year of stopping for 3/4 days and relapsing, with longest streak in that time being around 20 days. My main triggers I have found so far appear to be free time, online videos, and junk food. As of writing I have not watched P in about 58 days, but I am not happy with where I am mentally.

    The main thing that brought me here was/is brain fog - I was/am drifting through days without a ton of goals/purpose/hobbies beyond getting moneys to live. I want to enjoy things, I want to be more attentive to myself and others, I want to be past P. To do this I think I want to consciously direct my life more, in habits and goals/purpose. I am not sure what that means right now but hopefully I will figure it out.

    I am planning on using this journal to track where I am on habits, what I am focusing on, how I am feeling, how goals are going, and any PMO-related struggles. Hopefully through a lot of trial/error and recording I can figure out what works for me. If anyone has any advice or tactics or whatever feel free to drop your wisdom/say hi.

    ---

    Daily, I want to: exercise, eat well, mentally refresh, produce something, see sunlight early, center on goals, gratitude journal
    Still have to figure out how I want to actually do most of this. I will mentally refresh with guided meditation and Tai Chi. I will produce something by journaling here and writing small things. I want my dead time to be spent thinking about what I want my days to look like.
    In the past, I have not consistently taking actions to create the habits I want. So, here we are, excited for the coming days.
     
  2. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Day's Ramblings:
    Ok, so exercised using an app around midday, that seemed to go smoothy enough. Woke up early but forgot to get sunlight, Tai Chi felt like going through the motions, probably should learn more so it feels more complete. Guided meditation felt nice, just an online video, for some reason that was when my brain decided to synthesize parts of my day so I wasnt 100% into it but it has tons of potential. Daywise felt bored and had some trouble getting conversations going. That being said, didnt feel like so much brain fog as wanting to talk and not getting a nice flow going. Ate some cake but didnt feel bad afterwards. Later, ate some ice cream and cookies and def feeling brain fog, tends to take me longer to figure out what I want/I feel semi content in situations where I am bored/dont want to be in, like certain convos. Day felt like being around people for the sake of being around them, which I would not prefer to reading in their presence.

    Not as rambly:
    For guided meditation, it seemed like knowing you were going to relax came before relaxing, or at least believing the audio person saying I was gonna relax. I like the confidence a lot, it almost seems "I'll do it" is shorthand for "Ill do my best." For conversations, I think I want to pay more attention to myself and leave/change the topic if I don't want to be there anymore.

    Next:
    Going to continue with guided meditation, was very happily surprised. In conversation, if I am out of it I will walk away or change the topic. Going to look into what I usually eat for macro breakdown and what my targets should be. Cheers
     
  3. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    So, its been longer than I planned. Don't recall a ton, first day didnt do meditation, second and third did, today did unguided which helped but I didnt take it super seriously. Been keeping fairly busy with random catchup tasks, havent had a ton of free time. Definitely think I feel worse without exercise and sleep (shooting for 7.5h min 9h max), and meditation helps me zone out; happy with those habits. Not sure how I will eat better, going to track my food and see where we are, have a hunch I need to eat more. Thinking of going back to smoothies and peanuts for easy calories, if anyone has advice for this one it would be greatly appreciated.

    Feel like I have a list of things I want to do and life topics I want to explore, but limited time this time. The days I have been/felt busy, I have spent less of my free time goofing off. Definitely tend to struggle with tasks that don't require all of my attention because I cant think deeply either, might try fidget spinner/spinning a pen. Probably going to set aside time at end of day to go through stuff that requires a lot of thought so I don't feel like I have to during the day, cause that was wasted time.

    Happy with my habit choices so far and we'll see how coming days/weekend goes, excited to work through the mess of papers on my floor/desk area lol
     
  4. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Huh its really weird looking back at the mess of papers comment, didn't do anything to change that situation. My sleep schedule has gotten a bit wack the last few days, as has my limited-junk-food plan, as did meditating, as did waking up early/gratitude journal. Think this was mainly Fri/Sat, which are also the days where I can have a poor mental state and still be ok for work on Monday.

    I think the main thing holding me back right now is not being super invested/caring about how my life is going. Like I care when I hurt others, and that's kind of motivation. A few years ago, would say I was motivated by being around people/wanting to explore, mainly when I was with people. Think my ideal attitude is being eager to explore life and acting based on where that leads me. I currently do a lot of things I used to do when I was younger, and most I do not care for tbh, but it is known (youtube, clothing style, eating patterns). Its tough to recall but think towards when I gave up P/start of current streak I was writing a lot and trying piano and origami and things I hadn't really done a ton before. Still giving it up, had some thoughts/considered yesterday watching P, didnt feel like something I wanted to do and I would prefer that to stay in my past.

    Where I would like to be is fully invested in my life (all/almost all actions serve priorities/values and I understand and am happy with what I choose to do). I think I was to approach this by doing a three-day trial run. What this means for me: looking for things to do that excite me or seem scary in a meritless way and doing them, planning/prepping for immediate future, and noticing when I feel bored/disengaged and looking for ways to make the situation better (leaving, changing it through an internal game or external action). Ideal result would be reflecting back and noticing how those days felt different. It's very odd writing as one of those people who does experiments, but on the upside knowing people have tried self-experiments before is probably a good sign.

    Will probably check in again in a few days and see how I felt. This whole journalling thing feels so surreal to write but also kind of great, putting things into words/making them make sense kind of forces my thoughts to make some sense.
     
  5. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Protip: dont run life experiments in times of flux.

    I don't have much to say, first couple days went nicely, slipped mentally/on habits the last few days. Had some logistics stuff to run, think I may have let myself slip after knowing I would be sharp enough to deal with mandatory obligations. Looking back I think I like the life I tried and wanted to try thoroughly. I am going to try again and see what happens, I am going to be around new influences soon so I am going to take advantage of this opportunity. Will let you all know how it goes.
     
  6. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Still swimming

    Went to a bar arcade thing, felt a tad out of place. Not sure why, perhaps fake sensory stuff or not drinking. More to explore myself through.

    Been keeping busy, eating better, coming up with and forgetting life purposes/mottoes. Still converging, still going, posting here to keep myself grounded in how watching porn can take me to a worse mental space. Change seems to be done over time, and I want to keep perspective. Happy to have this space and hope everyone finds what they are looking for.
     
  7. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Bar stuff I think was fine, I wanted to be there to talk to people and wasn't continuing conversations in engaging ways/people did not want to talk with me for whatever reason (is my best guess). Kind of a dissonance-caused feeling.

    Being more whimsical/doing what I want to in food/cooking life. Socially getting to know people better but some events center around pretty sexual shows, think I can keep myself in check but its something for me to be aware of. A situation happened that made me aware I do not know basic first aid, that's something I want to be good at. Finances and being considerate of others/social dynamics when relaxed are two other dimensions I want to be better at. Still not at full capacity mentally - been getting poor sleep and still on social media/occasional pointless internet videos. For me those kinda take away focus on the world around me.

    Paths forward seem to be percolating/getting noticed, still a bit to go for self care but its important for letting me do other things fully/once habits are set it's less work later.
     
  8. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Day 100 yeet.
    Think no porn has let me see other holes/inconsistencies in my life/development and start filling them.
    Still a ton of ways for me to disconnect from life (videos, alcohol for me, poor diet), but also ways to life it (learning, clubs, relationships).
    Hoping to get comfortable living a different life, get invested, fully move on to a life I want.
    Happy and grateful for progress, but my life does not look like what I want it to
    - More empathy and openness to people's perspective and ideas, general understanding
    - Meeting new people and initiating conversations with eye contact
    - Proactive with kindness, being rude when needed to protect someone in some way
    - Plans: Budget, Investing, Career, Living Space/Personal Care, Learning about world, Time

    Grateful this forum exists, was/is really helpful knowing I am not alone and people were/are kind enough to share their wisdom (for shameless stealing).
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    100 days? That's huge man. You can be proud of yourself!
     
    SmithSmithy likes this.
  10. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    MOed yesterday while drunk. Not sure how I feel about it, was mainly out of curiosity. Hungover so cant tell if there were negative mental effects for me, which is unfortunate. It felt like a choice so think I'm good with that decision, I don't want to do it too much but it seemed fine for me this time, I am not mad at myself, slightly wish I had given it more thought thou.
     
  11. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    PMO-related: Last few days were not super great. Day after def felt more urges to M, some more today but a bit less powerful. Have not done a ton today, kinda did the essentials and then watched tv for a ton of hours. So yea, M not great for me it seems, and I gotta trust myself more, I could have predicted how watching tv would make me feel.

    Random: But yea, it's one way to spend a weekend, not one I enjoy but one I chose. Oddly I do not feel bad about that choice right now, hopefully I will find something that makes the opportunity cost feel real (or at least internalize it). I have things I want to do (learn about world, be more engaged in life for interactions with others and eventually myself), but missing the link between knowing and doing. It's a simple fix: trusting myself enough to let myself lead my life instead of my past self/commonly-seen "societal" practices. On the upside, I feel like I know where I want to go with some of my time, and spending it that way is a courage/caring about myself thing.
     

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