Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    True. I honestly felt like the forum might be gone for good. My habit is to come here in the morning at the same time that I check my emails. I would miss my brothers in arms, but life must go on, nevertheless.

    I really have very little to report. Life is going well, I'm busy enough doing things that interest me. There are always struggles, particularly the existential dread that can pop up from time to time, but it's not overwhelming. I find walking usually resets any mood. Little by little we identify that which makes us uniquely us, I think. I read about this baseball pitcher who had Tommy John surgery to rebuild his elbow. While he was rehabing he had lots of time to think. One of those thoughts was that, yes, he could come back to baseball and start throwing as hard as he could again, or, he could back off a little and be wilier with his pitch selection - he was looking at his career as a long-haul. What happened was he became a much better pitcher. He was taught right from high school that only flame-throwers were valuable. Well, now he's got a deal worth 65 million over three years. What "truths" have we been taught that are profoundly wrong?
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2023
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  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I so needed to hear this.
    Found out a few things about myself over the past few weeks, maybe the real meo_O and was beating myself up for finding them out so late in my life and wasting so much time.
    I often find myself fighting with regrets and trying to deal with them these days.
    Great to see that you two are still around and kicking, Saville and Mozenjo.
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  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, and the older we get the more we tend to look in the rear view mirror of regret. When I talk to older people, meaning older than me, they spend a lot of time reminiscing about the good times and an equal amount regretting their past. I remember watching a movie as a kid about a car race where one of the race participants breaks off the rear view mirror, much to the horror of his female companion. When she asks why he would do such a thing he replies something like, "in a race, it doesn't matter who's behind you." I feel very much in that camp. Regrets will come, but the quicker we dispatch them, the better. I could spend all day feeling bad about cheating on my wife and fapping to P for years, but how useful is that? I already know that scratching that itch never leads to anything good, let alone a conclusion. I'm a good man who did some shitty stuff - end of story!

    Have you ever noticed how many news articles there are about sleeping? I saw three in the NY Times this morning. I think we all know what habits limit our sleep. Don't lose sleep over regrets and never listen to sleep experts. :D
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Agreed. Last night on the way to the SO's place, I stopped at a grocery store I had never been to. While searching for the entrance, I was asked by a homeless person "can you help me with a sandwich?" At first I didn't hear him, so I asked him to repeat himself, though I knew what he wanted. As is always the case when in this situation lately (the homeless issue is way out of hand in California), my habit is to say, "sorry", and keep walking. Which I did again last night. I was pretty sure he wanted money, and not a sandwich, but I could have said, "sure, I'll buy you a sandwich" instead of giving him money. But I didn't. And I felt like shit for that. Should I? Well, maybe, and maybe not. But it happened. Beating myself up over it won't change that fact.
    Yeah, I get tons of those articles myself. If we read them all, we'd never get any sleep :p
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Or maybe the articles would put us to sleep!

    The homeless are everywhere now. They even live in tents in colder climes. There's no right or wrong about helping people. I help where I can. I donate money to the Salvation Army at Xmas, because I know they help the homeless in concrete ways. I give where I can, but I seldom hand out change to people who ask for it. Again, no right or wrong. The fact that you feel badly for them just means you have empathy, which is a great quality. We need empathy for ourselves, too. We may not be homeless, but we have lacked donations in mentorship, and life-skills, and confidence. "OMG, he's going to talk about his mom, again!" :rolleyes:o_O Yes, I am. :D

    I could never live up to the standards my mom set, because they were always shifting. Of course, she never learned adequate life-skills, either, so what was she to do? My dad, like so many dads, was a great guy who was rather checked-out. The role models I had made me choose a woman is who was like my mom, a woman who would never be pleased by me just being me.

    When one is desperate enough they will stick their hand out for a handout. We have never been quite that desperate, though we've been in just as much need. On the outside we have the trappings of solid citizens, but it's on the inside where real homelessness begins. Mother Theresa said that feeding the poor in India was easy, "because all they need is bread." In our Western world we are homeless in an entirely different way.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Same here. Where I usually shop for groceries, at the checkout, you can add a donation to your total just by choosing an amount and pushing the button. I asked once whether it really goes to helping people, and the reply was that yes, the money goes towards providing food to the needy, and that it has been a very successful program. I took his word for it. Because of my guilt from the night before, yesterday I gave a little more than usual. Isn't guilt great? :confused:
    Very well said, Saville.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2023
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  7. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    Only on the topic of stores taking donations at the checkout... they are not being altruistic in any way really. Now bear in mind I'm fine with the process and donate, or do the "round off" thing all the time, but... these stores get to donate all that collected money from you, donate it in their own name, and brag about how much they gave to "so and so" on commercials and take the tax write off for that lump sum, not you or me. If they got no tax or advertising benefit from doing so, I doubt it would happen.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm sure all of that is true, and can be said for many, if not most, charities. There are websites that rate different ones based on the percentage of gross income spent on admin and other costs not directly related to helping the people they are supposed to be helping. So, what to do? Volunteer, or give to people on the street directly are two ways I guess. Or just do the research and make a decision as to which companies are hopefully doing the right thing.
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Or ship them pesky homeless people into outer space. Or, force them to work at Amazon. Why can't people be normal like us and fap to porn in a nice comfy house? I just don't get it! :confused:

    Had sex with the wife a couple of days ago and the boner was awesome. It's really all in the head, er, the cranium. The more I'm into my life, the more everything functions well. Retirement has been the bomb!
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    What a great report. I'm sitting here working on a Sunday. Maybe there's something to this retirement thing after all.
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  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There totally is! It's like being a teenager again, except with money. :D

    Yesterday I went for lunch with a 20-something young dude, who is a friend of the family, and after that I had coffee with my 85 year old buddy. After that I exercised, took a bath, and then read for two hours. I even cooked my wife dinner! :eek: Even though eating used to me my main pastime I seldom cooked a meal. Probably because I ate a lot of junk food. My wife has always liked home cooked meals, but I always preferred restaurant food, the greasier, more carb-laden, the better. Anyway, she was appreciative of my paltry efforts. I'm not going to be buying my own set of pots :rolleyes:, but I'm going to invest a bit more time in the kitchen.

    Not much happening on the sex front at the moment. I think about P once-in-a-while, but have no inclination to watch anything.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I was reading the first few pages of my journal and was amazed by the wonderful and intelligent support I got, which has continued to this day. What a great forum! One guy, Arizona, wrote about enlightenment and asked if I loved myself. The easy answer to the second thing is: NO! I didn't love myself and still to this day don't believe I do. Does loving oneself even matter? Arizona mentioned a book: Spiritual Enlightenment -Damnest Thing. I took a look at that book yesterday and in it the author posits that there is no use trying to set one's life straight, because nothing is wrong in the first place. We see ourselves as needing to be fixed, as needing to go on a spiritual journey, but that journey is just more of the dreamscape we've become accustomed too. Even if we stop PMO, overeating, indulging excessively in alcohol, we still get no closer to the truth. What is that truth? I don't know. However, as the author puts it, it isn't the fear that we close ourself off with and then, in that fearful dreamworld, invent interventions in order to live a better life. Fascinating way to look at things!

    It's a lot to bend my mind around at the moment, but I do understand the "not trying to fix what isn't broken" aspect. It's why I try my best, and counsel other to do so, too, to not feel guilty about the past. We aren't bad people that need a good whipping. As we heal from PMO we often think we also have to make our relationships better. My experience has shown that selfishly taking care of myself has done way more for my relationship than I ever did when I was trying to be a good boy.

    Here's another interesting thing, at least I think it is. Why is the US government trying to get rid of Tik Tok as though it is the worst scourge out there? Where are all these complaining, whiny, politicians when it comes to PORN?
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's great to see that there are some new guys here. :)

    The most important thing you can do on this forum is to read the journals of other, to write religiously in your own journal, and offer your thoughts on other journals, as well. It's amazing what we learn (and reinforce) when we write things down.

    I was reading in Success Stories today a guys journal and found it highly inspiring. Here's the link:–-2-years-clean-pied-gone.118156/
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  14. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Thanks for the link to this success story. It is really good. You've done us (me) a great service of sharing this story. I always feel a bit guilty that I can't spend more time on the forum commenting on people's posts. I do read some journals but not consistently due to a lack of time. And, I always feel a bit overwhelmed by the wisdom that other, more experienced, members are able to share. In comparison my thoughts are very mundane and trivial.

    Anyhow thanks for the share Saville.
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  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No one's thoughts here on the forum are trivial. You are here to help yourself first and foremost. I remember a poster named musicman who was active here a few years ago. I always looked forward to his post. One day he wrote something like "being a man means not using P." That sounds mundane, trite even, but somehow that resonated with me that day; it was just the thing I needed to here. We never know what thought might land with someone.
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  16. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Wish Saville the best in his retirement
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  17. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    you retiring my brother?
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    From work, yes. I left my job in December and good riddance to it. :) I had a few struggles dealing with my new lease on life, but overall it's been good. I found I was going out for coffee too much, which isn't so much a drawback but I don't think I need to drink a cappuccino everyday. I was also running into too many people that I knew, ones from my previous life. The usual questions would ensue about "when did you retire?," "how are you enjoying it?"

    Mostly I stick to my yard where I can while away the hours with gardening. I take piano lessons once-a-week and also have classes in Tai Chi and yoga. My wife and I will probably travel some, though I hate tourists, even when I am one.

    I had a couple of tough months where I couldn't stop chewing over in my mind the terrible things I've done. I replayed painful conversations with my wife and all the shit surrounding the affairs. I knew it was useless, but it nagged at me and sapped my energy and happiness. Then, the thoughts went away.
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I guess part of the joy of retirement is knowing you don't have to engage in small talk if you don't want to :)
    I'm evious, as I don't have time for any of that!
    Lol. I've been listening to some old bits by George Carlin on YouTube, and in one of them he laments how he loves most people on a one-on-one basis, but once they are in groups, they become assholes. Maybe a bit of hyperbole, but then again...
    Regret is the gift that keeps on giving. We can tell ourselves that the past is the past over and over again, but relitigating our mistakes seems to be our lot in life. On the one hand, that sucks, but on the other, it reminds us that we shouldn't entirely forget the things we've done, so we don't repeat them. Personally, I'm still here so I can keep reminding myself of how debilitating this addiction is.
    Great to hear from you, Saville. I've been meaning to send you a note for a while. Have a great day!
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  20. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    my brother,
    once in a while i replay all the shit i have done. mainly like you, the affairs, the horrible life i gave my wife for 25yrs due to my drinking. all that goes with that. from time to time it will creep into my mind to give me grief. sometimes my wife will remind me. it's been 20yrs since i touched a drink but once in a while she will remind me. i used to get upset but i don't now. i know who i am now. that is her problem now, not mine. if she wants to be miserable with those memories, well have at it. now i am not mean toward her when she brings it up, i just don't say anything, look at her, and walk away. after 45yrs of marriage she knows she hurt me without me responding. it is very very rare now that she will bring up the past. mainly it's my own guilt feelings coming up. porn has a lot to do with it. again, i am keeping a secret, just like the affairs. so it is up to me to work it out. every night before i go to bed i do a self inventory. where did i hurt anyone, where was i selfish, where was i mean, where did i talk out of my ass, where did i insult anyone, where was i self-centered? i try to better the next day. this helps me knowing i am not the asshole i used to be. not perfect. but working on it daily. anyway that's what i do. but i want to thank you Saville because i have learned so much from your journey and your sage advice.

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